Exponent II's Blog, page 220

Ash Wednesday Reflections

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“For dust you are and to dust you shall return.”

I am small.
I am insignificant.
I am nothing.

I have been taught to push these words away, to regard them
as deflating and demotivating. And yet, sometimes when life is overwhelming and
I can never be enough, the reminder that no, I can’t be, is an acceptance of
grace.

It was in the spirit of nothingness that I attended my first
Ash Wednesday service last week. Like most Mormons, I grew up a little unnerved
by liturgical seasons and rituals. They were uncomfortable and unknown. As the
years have progressed, I’ve felt a sense of calming and grounding in the
liturgical calendar—a reminder that there is a time and place for feasting and
for fasting, for celebration and for contemplation.

Now is the time for fasting and contemplation. It is a time to
rest and repent, a reminder of Christ’s 40 days of fasting. It is a time to withdraw
and examine our lives, our souls, our selves.

Admittedly, I had not given much thought to where we were in the liturgical calendar this year. Between my own busy-ness—a new baby, kids playing competitive sports, managing a home, hustle here, bustle there—I had become unmoored. Awareness of time is not one of my strong suits.

And yet, I awoke Wednesday morning with a yearning for quiet and a reminder that I truly am nothing in this world. None of us are. Birth and death are the great equalizers—we all come into this world and we shall all depart. None of us are getting out of here alive.

So often I’ve used this reality check as a mantra to carpe diem—Seize the day! Make your life what you want it to be! Work, work, work! Do, do, do! Go, go, go!

But last Wednesday, when the world felt overwhelming, as I grappled with feeling disappointed in many of the humans around me, I felt the call of grace.

“You are God’s beloved dust and to dust you shall return.”

I hear the words as they echo from the minister’s mouth as he brands me with the sign of the cross—the sign of Jesus, God made flesh—upon my forehead.

The head: the symbol of our humanness.

My eight year old reminds me daily that our brain is our evolutionary superpower. We humans have the corner market on smarts (or at least we think we do).

And yet it is the head that needs reminding that we are nothing.

Not even God escapes the nothingness of death in this story.

With that freedom, we can let die the parts of our lives and our selves that no longer serve us, that do not reflect God in us.

This is a call to let my own importance die,
A call to de-centre myself in my own narrative,
A call to quiet my mouth (and often my keyboard),
A call to truly listen,
A call to understand,
A call to engage with curiosity and calm.

God calls me to nothingness, stillness and smallness so I have the grace to accept the new life that will grow. Grace to accept grace.

We are but dust.
It is our beginning and our end.

Book Review: Like A Girl

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“Like A Girl” is a gorgeous children’s book, written by Leslie Perkins and illustrated by Magi & Justin Hernandez, and is the inaugural release of the children’s book division of The Far Press. This book aims to destigmatize the playground insult of doing things “like a girl” and instead neutralizes the phrase in a way that is both empowering and and inclusive. With simple, clear language and gorgeous illustrations, the book features five girls who all do things “like a girl,” and it’s an excellent addition to any family library.

I had the opportunity to email with the author, Leslie Perkins, as well as sit down with one of the illustrators, Magi Hernandez, and discuss their process of creating this book.

Leslie, I’m curious as to what prompted you to write the book.  Why reclaim the phrase, “like a girl?” Do you have any personal experiences with that phrase that informed your writing?  

I wrote this children’s book after hearing my son’s friend use this phrase as an insult — and trying to find a children’s book that would help my kids understand why “like a girl” actually meant something really incredible. I found that there wasn’t actually a literary children’s resource that specifically tackled the way society at large still uses the phrase “like a girl.” I loved the idea of a children’s book that turns this supposed insult on its head for girls from the time they begin hearing it for the first time in preschool and early elementary school.

I want young girls who read this book to feel proud of who they are. I see this book as an inoculation, of sorts. I imagine parents reading it to their child as an act of love and rebellion of the way society uses the phrase “like a girl.” I can think of countless times, in my own life, that I was mocked for doing something “like a girl” (PE and gym class come to mind), and every time it stung. I never heard “like a girl” used in a positive context when I was younger.

One of the things I really love about the book is that it doesn’t demand excellence – it talks about running like a girl, and sometimes that’s fast, and sometimes that’s slow, but it doesn’t suggest that girls have to be perfect in order to do things “like a girl.”  What made you want to approach it from that angle?

After the 2016 election, post #metoo, we’ve seen women–and men too–rise up and re-engage with feminism. I love seeing that happen. One of the things that I think we need to be cautious of, however, is only talking about women and girls in the superlative. You don’t have to be the epitome of brave, strong, fierce, fast, powerful, etc. There are all kinds of girls, and all kinds of ways to be. And it’s up to each girl to decide what the phrase “like a girl” means in her own life.

When you picture a child sitting down with your book, what do you hope he/she feels while they’re reading it?  

I hope little girls and boys who read this book feel that being a girl is a thing of pride. Not a benchmark for the low bar or a lesser status. And that no matter what a girl says, does, wears, or feels, she’s the right kind of girl. I also hope that young girls feel a kinship with other girls. I hope they feel empowered to, if (and unfortunately when) they do hear the phrase “like a girl” used in a derogatory way, to reject it.

*** 

When I sat down with Magi Hernandez to ask her how she and her son, Justin, came up with the illustrations, she walked me through her studio filled with amazing artwork that is clearly filled with light and love.  She told me about how, when she was approached to do this book, she went to her local neighborhood playground to watch how girls play.  She wanted to see how they move, how they interact, and how they express themselves.  She also drew upon girls she’s known in her own life, including girls who dance, girls who read, and girls who are disabled.  

Once she had ideas for the five girls that the book discusses, she drew inspiration from other artwork she had created, and wanted to include books, trees, beautiful skylines, dogs, and plants.  To me, the art feels like it’s rooted in the whimsical reality that I remember from my childhood, where things were both ordinary and magical at the same time.  

“Like A Girl” is a fantastic addition to any children’s book collection, and one that I’m thrilled to own for both my sons and my daughter.  I love how it frames doing things “like a girl” as doing things as a girl – they aren’t necessarily worse than the way other people would do it, nor are they rooted in the perfectionism that often plagues girls who are striving to prove the patriarchal norms wrong.  Girls simply do things like girls, because they are girls, not because there’s a value judgment placed on how they move through the world.  It’s a refreshing, beautiful, and inspiring book that I plan to read over and over.

Beloved Child of God

This past Wednesday was Ash Wednesday, the beginning of Lent. This is a period of time when many Christians prepare for Easter. It is common to attend a church service on that day, and as part of the service, ashes are placed on the forehead in the shape of a cross to remind congregants of their sinfulness and need for redemption and repentance.

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I have some holy envy when it comes to Ash Wednesday, so I often try to stop in somewhere for a service because I find it all very meaningful. However, I’m in the middle of moving, my assistant is on vacation, and I’m swamped at work. As a result, I wasn’t able to go to a service this year.

I was at Starbucks on Wednesday evening, in between work and a trip to Ikea, when I saw two clergy members at a table outside with a sign that said “Ashes to Go”. I walked over to say hello, and they asked me if I wanted ashes. I said yes. One of them placed the ashes on my forehead and said a prayer. “You are a beloved child of God, and you are marked with the cross of Christ forever…” There was some stuff about ashes and dust, but none of that registered.

I was moved almost to tears by the pronouncement. At church, we sing “I am a child of God”. But there was something more meaningful about another person declaring me to be a child of God. And not just any child, but a beloved one. And the cleric proclaimed me as belonging to Christ forever. He didn’t conduct any sort of worthiness interview. He didn’t ask me where or if I go to church. I’m Christ’s because I want to be, and that’s enough.

He gave me a flier that had a short summary of the purpose of ashes on Ash Wednesday. The flier also said that the reason they were out in the streets offering ashes is because while it’s good to go to church, not everyone can do that, and God is bigger than a building.

They’re bringing God to the people as a way to bring people to God.

I wonder what that would look like in the context of LDS practice. I think the ministering program is intended to do that, but in practice I’ve seen it just play out as home/visiting teaching with a new name.

What can we do as a church to broaden our outreach and bring the love of God to the people around us? How can we better reach people where they are?

#hearLDSwomen: I Was Yelled at By My Bishopric and Told My Opinion Wasn’t Welcome Because I’m a Woman

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Photo by rawpixel on Unsplash

One of my ward callings was doing the Sunday bulletin. I wasn’t allowed a key to the library to copy it, so every Sunday morning I had to interrupt PEC meeting to get a key from a member of the bishopric.

One Sunday I walked in to hear them congratulating themselves over the fact that a deacon in the ward had made his entire family late to Sacrament Meeting – and miss the sacrament – because he needed a white shirt. I happened to know the family and knew that they had picked him up from a friend’s house and just inadvertently forgot the white shirt, but they turned around at the insistence of their son to get one, making the entire family late.

I asked them if they were really congratulating themselves on enforcing a rule so strenuously that they caused an entire family to miss partaking of the sacrament just so their son could wear a white shirt to church.

The response I got? A member of the bishopric pointed his finger at me and shouted, “this is a priesthood matter and you are a woman. You don’t get to have anything to say about it. Get out of this room now.”

– Lori LeVar Pierce

 

My stake president walked into Relief Society for an AMA (Ask Me Anything).

I raised my hand and asked about what we could do to help support women in better balancing church calling work with our lives, and I mentioned that I had several children that I homeschooled, and that that directly conflicted with the tasks I was expected to do during the week by the church. This was a really vulnerable thing for me to ask about and was close to my heart because I wanted *so* *much* to be a really good mom AND a really good Mormon.

The stake president smiled and said, “I don’t think that’s a real problem. Next question?”

I smiled back and then fled the room in tears.

I have also received many a lecture that I was selfishly homeschooling when I owed that time and effort to the church first.

More than one mother in my ward pressured me to put my kids in school, like they had, so that I’d be available during the day.

– Rebecca, Washington State

 

Many years ago during my mission, I was in Relief Society one day, and one of the sisters commented about how we shouldn’t be blindly obedient. I really liked her comments because she really thought things through and went into depth. But then one of the counselors in the bishopric came in and sat down. When the sister made a comment, he would tell the teacher to continue with the lesson. Later I went to this sister’s house, and she told us that the bishopric member had come to Relief Society because of her, to make sure she didn’t get the lesson off topic, and that it had happened before. I was surprised because I thought her comments were really good and that she hadn’t said anything wrong. I liked that this sister wanted to discuss things further and to not blindly accept everything that she was told.

– Anonymous

 

Currently, my bishop, who doesn’t care for dissent from anyone, won’t even talk to me. It’s not that I’m trying to “tear down the leadership” as he put it in a personal email exchange he CC’d to the bishopric and YM presidency. I’m simply trying to offer alternate viewpoints on how ward policies affect the youth (particularly my sons). Rather than listen to our requests to make more room at the table, he insists on conformity and in the process is pushing otherwise willing disciples of Christ out of activity.

– Natalie Ware Gowen

 

Pro Tip: Treat women like peers and like people. Take women’s concerns, input and questions seriously.

Click here to read all of the stories in our #hearLDSwomen series. Has anything like this happened to you? Please share in the comments or submit your experience(s) to participate in the series.

“If any man have ears to hear, let him hear.” (Mark 4:23)

How Patriarchal Blessings Perpetuate Patriarchy

In every woman’s Patriarchal Blessing, you will find a declaration of lineage, assurance of resurrection, and a promise of heterosexual marriage and motherhood.

Most members of the church receive their Patriarchal Blessings around the age of 14, which is in accordance with the recommended age. The process is simple. After you get a recommend from your bishop, you meet with an elderly man (sometimes this is the only time you ever see him) who takes out a recording device, asks for your full name, and lays his hands on your head. He calls you by name, states his authority, and tells you which son of Israel you belong to.

Sometimes the blessing ends there – he utters ritual words that call and mark you to someday be resurrected, and then he ends the blessing.

Usually, though, he says more. He tells you of your blessings – of your parents, of your leaders, of your friends. He tells you that you are loved, that you are valuable. He reminds you to make good choices, and he tells you that God cares what you do.

He tells you to get an education, to work hard in the Church, to honor your parents. And he promises you that one day a righteous priesthood holder will take you to the temple and marry you, that you will bear children, that you will be a mother in Israel.

The man who gave me my blessing was a good man. I had never met him before, though I knew him well in the years after. I read my blessing in his voice until the paper fell apart. I memorized it to recite in times of confusion or sorrow. He meant well. He promised me wondrous things, he made astute observations. Despite this, his inspiration did not filter out his ideas about appropriate guidance for a woman’s life.

Girls read their blessings. In my experience, girls read their blessings with far more frequency and seriousness than their male counterparts – probably because their eternal identity and destiny depends upon the assurances they find there. They make serious choices predicated upon the perspective of old men who speak for God. The voice in their heads that tells them what God wants them to be is a male voice. It is not their own.

Girls need the wisdom of women. Usually it comes too late, in whispers and tears, but doesn’t have to. Patriarchy is personal – that is how it is often perpetuated. In holy words and narrow perspectives. Because when you are young, and a holy man puts his hands on your head and calls you by name, you listen.

Mormon Mean Girls

[image error]The Mormon Mean Girls won’t quit. Lonely, betrayed, and isolated women keep showing up to my Utah based maternal mental health practice bereft over their toxic interactions with rejecting and unkind Mormon women. The behavior sounds like teenagers of bullying Mean Girls fame. But the actors are adults. Why is this happening to grown up women? Does it happen outside of Mormon culture? Curiosity soon had me observing signs of Mean Girls at work in all my communities.

A review of research literature on the topic revealed that relational aggression does persist into adulthood and is not the exclusive domain of women or specific to Mormons. Relational aggression uses threat and injury to our deeply human need for connection to  overpower and harm the targeted victim. It is violence of words, eye-rolls, neglect, exclusion and gestures that inflicts invisible injuries. It can be as simple as the front section of seats at the school assembly taped off with a sign that reads, “Reserved for PTA Moms Only.” It might be the friends in the meal prep group all being called to the Young Women’s presidency together. Or the neighbors that water ski together on the weekend but never extend an invite to one neighbor family.

Exclusion and rejection are the most common threads in these experiences where everyone (family, friends, neighbors, and/or ward members) get together for a shared purpose. The target is secretly excluded or not invited. Later the target learns of the missed event from others. The knowledge may be dropped accidentally or the target might be directly informed of their exclusion by an in-group member, “So and so is uncomfortable around you” or “We thought since your son came home from his mission you might not want to be celebrating.” Pictures are posted to social media, again without any regard to how the target will feel when they realize they are excluded. The message delivered to the excluded individual is “You don’t belong. You don’t matter. We don’t want you.”

Other weapons of relational aggression include rumors, gossip, concern trolling, dismissal, undermining, doxing or online pile-ons. It looks like hierarchies where power and influence are hoarded by an elite in-group. It looks like a group that belongs and others that are cruelly informed they do not belong. A target that chats with the spouse of a neighbor across the hedge while gardening is whispered about as a husband stealer. Judgements about the spouse or children of an individual might be used as a reason to insult a target or gossip about them. A group gets together at a work place, on a play date, or online and they bond over their collective superiority in comparison to the wrongness of the target. Often the violence is driven by a group member that acts as a go between, filtering negative stories to the group leader to justify the unleashing  of relational aggression. Instigators might reach out with their rumors to those outside of the group to inflict greater harm on the target. They aim for losses such as a release from a church calling, termination of employment, broken relationships, and ruined reputation.

Why do adults engage in these adolescent antics? The bullying behavior of relational aggression is fueled by feelings of inferiority and powerlessness in humans regardless of age. It doesn’t just happen to Mormons. It is common in work places, particularly in occupations that lack power within a hierarchy, such as nursing.

Mormons are especially prone to relational aggression because of the hierarchy of priesthood power and how that power is expressed. A hierarchy of leaders determine worthiness and belonging through subjective judgement or discernment. A criminal can be called as a leader. The best human can serve in beta callings for a lifetime. The lack of transparency around who receives or is released from a calling breeds opportunity for rumor and judgment. The secrecy of a disciplinary council or simply the assignment of ministering teachers create conditions for exclusion. In the absence of transparency it is easy for an influencer to create prejudice about a target with rumor and conjecture.

Humans are wired for connection. Being received by a community with empathy and love creates safety, well-being and heals emotional injury. It is what Jesus taught as he referred to the Church as a body (we are all interdependent connected parts of a whole) and as he counseled us to do unto others as you would have them do unto you. The intentional severing of connection has devastating consequences as evidenced in the many clients paying for mental health services to treat the emotional injuries of relational aggression.

When we are at our most stressed, moving through life transitions such as marriage, parenthood, new employment, losing our faith, death of a loved one –we are at greatest risk of being triggered by shame into a mental health crisis. This is when we need connection most. When we need our voice to be heard. When we need to be received with empathy.

Shame researcher Brene Brown describes secrecy, silence and judgement as the petri dish that allows shame to grow and thrive. She identifies scarcity culture as a multiplier that exacerbates these conditions. Relational aggression feeds shame with the othering message that a target does not belong. On the receiving end of relational aggression we are isolated, rejected, and other. There is something wrong with us that causes our people to reject and harm us when we need them to survive.

What can we do as adults when we are targeted by relational aggression? We must reclaim connection using our voice and moving into responsive action.

Speak: When it is safe to do so, speak up. Connect to safe people outside of the community where you are a target and name what is being done to you. Describe the impact it is having on you. Discuss it with a therapist. Connect with support groups in person or online to validate what you are experiencing and to remind you what it is like to be received with kindness and respect. Interrupt the secrecy of the aggressors and you will begin to find relief from the shame of being targeted.

If the relational aggression is coming from family or other permanent people in your life rehearse with a therapist or friend how to tell them that they are hurting you. Practice saying no to interactions that will hurt you. Experiment with boundaries to keep you safe in the future.

Move: Trauma is nastiest when we feel fear and we are trapped. It is 100% human and normal to feel fear at being rejected from a group that we believe we need to survive. Being trapped escalates the fear to trauma. Some clients have moved their children to different schools to escape a toxic PTA or chose to forgo callings to attend a different ward. In a workplace case of relational aggression, documenting the acts creating a hostile work environment may allow you to find relief through a responsive manager or a human resources department.

If you are experiencing relational aggression in a physical community, moving to a new home in another ward/school district/neighborhood may not be a viable option. You have every reason to feel trapped! If you cannot physically remove yourself from the harm is it possible to identify the needs you are trying to get met through connection to the aggressors? What resource are they hoarding as you experience scarcity? Can you get what you need from someone else and emotionally move to a safer source? What other communities or connections might you nurture to eventually transition those needs to empathetic people? If you cannot easily remove yourself from the reach of the threat are there boundaries you can set to reduce the harm being done to you?

Finally, we can improve all the communities we engage in for connection by doing the hardest thing and minding our own tendencies towards relational aggression. Where do you feel you have the least power? When do you feel the most insecure? These are the spaces to ask, “Lord is it I?” And to notice when we are judging others as our means of connection. To notice when we are being the information broker spreading news and stories that do not belong to us. To be on the lookout for our own tendency towards secrecy, silence and judgement and to note when it is hardest for us to express empathy. It is never too late to reject relational aggression and begin to cultivate authentic connections built on empathy and vulnerability.

When have you been on the receiving end of relational aggression? What did you do about it? How did you survive?

A Journal Entry for the New Year

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Photo by Hannah Olinger on Unsplash

In April 2017, I found myself in a deep and severe depressive episode. Some actions of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints at the uppermost level have been painful for me to witness. And, even though, I love my ward and stake while I was depressed, it was very hard for me to get through anything hosted by my ward or stake without crying or feeling physically ill.

Much of my pain involves the exclusion of children of LGBTQ families being baptized until they are 18, and the Church’s response to the problem of Church leaders sexually abusing members of their congregation as well as being unwilling to believe many survivors of sexual assault.

But, lately, I have felt the Spirit whisper that I should try again, and I am attending my ward (the two-hour block has been so helpful for me because I still have a lot of feelings to manage during the block). I use journaling and meditation to help me feel more in-tune with the Spirit and to better love and understand those who are teaching. Here is my first journal entry on my first Sunday trying this new experiment.

1/20/19
Strangely hopeful

On Monday, E (my daughter) asked if she could get baptized and if we could start going to church. Then, she told me how she was planning on reading one page of her scriptures every night. I’m not sure where this came from, and this isn’t the first time she has suggested this, but it is the first time that I felt ready to help her…I mean she’s eight, and she creates these ambitious spiritual goals. I want to help her, but I kept getting tied up in my own emotions.

So, E and I came today, and I’m here in sacrament meeting, trying to figure out how I feel. I keep looking/trying to feel if God wanted me to come back, and I don’t get a feeling one way or the other. It reminds me of when I was praying about whether I should go on a mission. Ultimately, I felt like God would be happy with either choice.

What if God is letting me choose again? What if this feeling of being “nice” (not good, not bad, not even fine, but “nice” with all of its superficial connotations) in a perfunctorily familiar, comfortable way is just what I need? This feels a little boring to me, but I am relieved that it also feels normal and no longer harmful for me to participate in.

That seems doable, but I wonder…

Should I go to the LDS Church even though it’s not safe or comfortable for others?

Is it morally OK for me to get what I need out of it and ignore the rest even though that can perpetuate harm?

What obligation do I have to my children? To the marginalized? To the Mormon community? To those who are going to insist that everyone calls them members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints?

I guess I could go and take what I can from it and leave the rest.

I don’t have good answers to those questions, but I think and pray about them every day.

Partly, I feel like I’d be returning because this church is what I know. I’m too lazy and too old to find something new. I know I can find some spiritual nourishment here, but is it enough? Is that a good enough reason?

Then again, I don’t want this for my children. I hate that my lack of attendance has branded them as “less than” or unfortunate. I hate that I have had to make religiousity and piety so complicated for them. I should know where I stand so I can teach them where to stand, but I’m lost. I am so lost…

If I was doing this, i.e. finding a church, for my kids, I would keep searching and dragging them along to find spiritual sustenance in a new (and ideally final) religious home. But isn’t that putting a set of expectations on my kids? How is that different than if I return to full fellowship in our ward and then, expect them to be LDS? Is that fair? Is that right?

I know that I can’t choose my children’s spiritual path. I can only let them watch and observe mine as I muddle through and trust that that is enough for me and for them, but I continue to feel heartbroken that I can’t seem to make anything about my religious life work.

#hearLDSwomen: As Relief Society President, I Was Kept Out of the Loop

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As Relief Society president, I asked the bishop if I could attend some of the PEC meetings. My request was ignored. I asked again and received the reply that nothing was discussed in there that would involve me. Our ward membership was over 50% female.

I’m happy that the next RS President had better luck.

– Debbie

 

I was once the Relief Society president in a ward with many single mothers and widows. Most of the ward was women or families run by women. I did not attend PEC, which felt strange because it was hard to imagine most any ward issue that didn’t directly affect Relief Society women. I always felt like an interloper when I did attend Ward Council (because it was held monthly at the same time and place as PEC). Once when I walked in the room, a man looked up at me and said, “You know it must be Ward Council when the women come in.”

I remember clearly at one of those meetings making a comment about a pending issue (an update of some kind about a needy family). My comment went unremarked upon, which didn’t strike me as strange until later in the meeting when a man made the exact same comment–same content, similar wording–and it immediately changed the direction of the conversation. Everyone basically said “oh really?” with rapt attention. As if they hadn’t heard it before. Which I guess they hadn’t.

It was the first time I had had that type of experience, and it felt so strange and unnerving. I felt confused. I’m grateful that now that type of thing has a name and is commonly recognized. And I’m grateful that PEC no longer exists so Relief Society presidents are acknowledged as leaders of virtually the whole ward.

And I’m grateful that now as a Young Women president, I attend a much more collaborative Ward Council where my input is overtly valued. I think church culture has made progress in this area.

– Angela Ashurst-Mcgee

 

More than a decade ago, I was called to be Relief Society president in my ward by a bishop who had earlier been my High Council adviser when I was serving as Stake Young Women President. We had a good relationship then, and I surmised it was one of the reasons he called me to head up the ward Relief Society.

My new counselors and I set to work , organizing our board and tackling the perennial problems related to Visiting Teaching. We interviewed each of our visiting teachers, a time-consuming task, and made adjustments where needed.

Three months into my calling, we’re told there is to be a special Sacrament Meeting that all must attend. Just minutes before the meeting is to begin, the bishop informed me that another ward was going to be combined with ours, and I would continue as Relief Society president over the merged wards. Imagine my shock!

I was soon to learn that the bishop knew about the ward merger when he called me to be Relief Society President. In fact, a new bishop had already been called to preside over the combined ward. The bishop who called me to my position later told me he had chosen me because he knew I could handle the many problems that would arise from combining wards.

I received a choice comment from the wife of the new bishop who, of course, had known about the ward merger for some time. She said, “I was wishing I could have told you what was coming when I saw all the time you were taking holding visiting teaching interviews.”

The experience made me see that for all the talk about women and the Relief Society being the backbone of the ward, in practice they’re really second-class citizens who will be told what they’re asked to do without given an opportunity to give input.

– Anonymous

 

In the Relief Society presidency in our small diverse ward, our welfare system was a mess, and, as most recipients were women, the bishop asked our presidency to take charge and create a clear process that would provide temporary and long term benefit to recipients. For weeks, we studied the manual, prayed, and worked on a simple clear process, which was then shared with the bishopric via email. Later that day, the executive secretary at the time replied with a version full of edits that mostly said the same thing (mansplaining, if you will) but in a way that stripped the Relief Society president of authority, and ran everything through the bishop instead.

The four women in our presidency put this together over weeks of study, thought, and prayer. This guy thought about it for maybe 20 minutes before treating it up because in its wording the Relief Society president was too involved. Our process was never implemented (at least during our presidency).

– Kirsten

 

Pro Tip: Give women the information they need to perform their callings. Allow them to seek and follow their own revelation, and get out of their way.

Click here to read all of the stories in our #hearLDSwomen series. Has anything like this happened to you? Please share in the comments or submit your experience(s) to participate in the series.

“If any man have ears to hear, let him hear.” (Mark 4:23)

Fools Rush In Where Angels Fear to Tread

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1981, Fall Semester, Nursing 201, was the  introductory class in our nursing program. The words, “Fools Rush In Where Angels Fear To Tread” were written on the blackboard.   

The phrase was new to me.  I thought it scripture, but later learned it was a line of poetry by Alexander Pope, written in 1709.  His poem, An essay on criticism, was targeting literary critics of his day.  

The semester introduced the historical aspects of the nursing, but more importantly it explored the personal and psychological aspects of the profession into which we were embarking.  It was a class of introspection prior to beginning clinical practicums. We were taught to see ourselves and our biases before entering into clinical situations.

Nursing, like ministering provides individuals with access to personal situations experienced by others.  The relationships can be short or long term. Some are easy, natural and non-stressful. Occasionally we are privy to deeply troubling circumstances, or serious illness, or private heartache.

One of the major differences between nursing and ministering is documenting and reporting.  As a nurse one must document the encounters…the assessment findings, the education, care, medication and/or treatment provided, and finally the response to interventions.  In today’s age of electronic records, all members of the health care team have access to each other’s notes as a way to improve the quality of healthcare.

To my knowledge, with ministering, the only documentation, is a quarterly record of the number of ministers interviewed.   There are no records of our ministering assessments or interventions. Thank goodness for that. No one would want a record floating around with details of individual people’s circumstances.

I wonder how one learns what or how to report, especially as a new member or a YW, turned RS-member.  We can help each other in this respect, by establishing ground rules or ministering-orientation. I know the last thing anyone wants right now is more lessons on ministering; we had so many in the last year.  In my memory they have been well intentioned and generic; mainly focused on how to ‘reach’ someone and the various ways to minister, be it phone calls, texts, emails, or in-person visits. I don’t recall a specific lesson on what to report or not report, or how to establish those ground rules with the person you minister to.  That being said, I did miss quite a few meetings last year and perhaps it was covered.

It might be helpful for a ministering sister to say to the person she ministers to, “This seems like a stressful situation.  Have you discussed this with the Bishop or RS President? Or, do I have your permission to share this with the RS President?” or “How might the ward help you?  Could we do X, Y, Z?”

Or,  “I know this is deeply personal and I’m honored you have shared it with me.  I will maintain your confidence. If you would like me to share this with the RS President please let me know, otherwise it is between us.”

In the Nursing 201 class we were encouraged, through a series of thoughtful discussions, to see beyond our own beliefs, values, religion, culture, race, education and gender.  We were asked to see our future patients with open eyes and a caring posture regardless of whether we agreed with their life decisions or not.

That certainly applies to ministering as well.  Learning how to minister within our family and wards prepares us to minister in the broader sense to anyone we might encounter in our life’s path.  We had a lovely discussion in our RS recently about ministering based on the talk by Sister Cordon in October 2018 General Conference. Being able to ‘see’ people beyond their activity level at church, or their lifestyle choices opens the door of our hearts.

Fools rush in where angels fear to tread is an idiom I have reflected on since college. The expression refers to foolish or naive people doing things that a more mature person might avoid.  I have wondered if I rushed in to situations where I should have stayed respectfully on the outside. Part of growing up involves knowing when to intervene and when to stay out of it.

I recall a perfect storm situation when I was serving as RS President and a member of my ward was having a serious health problem.  Always a nurse, I pushed in and was gently rebuffed, only to be invited in with open arms a few weeks later. Maybe my timing was off.  Regardless, I know for sure that I was in the right calling at the right time in order to help this family.

As a new blogger at The Exponent, I feel a large measure of naivety considering the many years and experiences of others that have brought us to this moment.  I enjoy this forum for discussion, illumination, commiseration, and education. Perhaps a new idiom is in order, although I can’t think of an improvement on Charity Never Faileth. Having charity for each other, in this space, is what The Exponent is about.

Discussion questions:

Have you struggled to know if you should ‘rush into’ a situation, for better or worse?

In what ways were you taught how to report or what to report?

How do you maintain confidences during ministering interviews?

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Activity Days, Mormon Feminist Style

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Activity Days girls donating their no-sew dog blankets to an animal shelter

I’m currently an Activity Days leader in my ward. After a bit of floundering (i.e. aimlessly doing crafts), I’ve recently started to revel in my freedom with this calling. I’ve now caught the vision of what it can be: a group of girls learning about issues/injustices/suffering in the world and about women who are doing things to help those situations, followed by actions to help or bring attention to these issues. I’m putting the activist into Activity Days!

The books Goodnight Stories for Rebel Girls , volumes 1 and 2 (expensive but worth it to me) have served as cornerstones for me as I’ve made my plans. The books highlight hundreds of important women in very short profiles, told in a way that appeals to tween and younger girls. We’ve had terrific discussions after I read to them about a particular woman and ask the kids how they would have dealt with x problem or why it’s important that this person did the work they did.

I’ve decided to divide Activity Days into one or two month long units. To give you a glimpse of what this kind of Activity Days approach looks like, here’s a rundown of some units I’ve planned/am planning and what we actually did/will do in our  weekly hour-long meetings.

Helping Animals: An Animal Shelter Drive Unit


meet a dog who was rescued from a bad situation and make posters and flyers to advertise our drive
talk about Jane Goodall and the work she’s done with primates; make homemade dog biscuits to donate to a rescue org
deliver homemade dog biscuits and learn about the rescue
read some quotes by MLK and Gandhi about the importance of being kind to animals and make no-sew fleece dog blankets, according to the shelter’s specifications
make catnip toys out of recycled baby socks
take supplies to the shelter and take a 45 minute tour of the shelter

2. Promoting Girls’ Education Unit

read about Malala Yousafzai in the Goodnight Stories for Rebel Girls book, talk about the kind of courage she had to promote girls’ education and what she meant when she said, “One child, one teacher, one book,one pen can change the world.” Make homemade lip balm to remind girls that their voices and mouths are powerful instruments for speaking out against injustice.
embark on a drive to raise funds ($116) to sponsor two girls’ educations for a year, through the International Rescue Committee. (This organization has a strong reputation on Charity Navigator.) Make posters and flyers advertising services the AD girls will be doing to raise funds.
bake goods and hold a bake sale
host a group babysitting project (supervised by me and other AD leaders) in which people bring their kids to my house for two hours one Saturday for cheap babysitting. Girls will plan and play games with the little kids.
spearhead a shoe drive in the ward and local community. This organization apparently pays groups for collecting used shoes.  (Haven’t done this yet — still looking into it, but it looks promising.)
Host a $5 per car carwash.
During the course of this drive, girls will get public speaking experience by announcing their project to EQ and RS.  I also plan to have them learn about another woman or two who have done important things for girls worldwide.

The following units are still pretty hazy, but here are some vague ideas

3. Being kind to the Earth Unit

learn about Julia Mavimbela, a South African Mormon peace activist who promoted gardening projects with youths in the wake of riots and oppression under Apartheid. (See the Illuminated Ladies coloring book for a one page biography and a beautiful coloring page.) Brainstorm what we can do to help the earth and the environment
beach cleanup
girls organize a ward clothing/goods swap, in which people bring all the stuff they would normally give to Goodwill to the church one Saturday. People then take whatever they want, thus helping to keep items out of our landfills. Unwanted items go to DI or Goodwill.
Girls learn about and discuss Wangari Maathai and do some kind of artsy/crafty project promoting being good to the earth
volunteer with local organization that pots plants and trees

4. Feeding the Hungry Unit

learn about hunger in our local community. Learn about women who have done great work to bring attention to/solve the problem of hunger.  Brainstorm ways we can help.
through the local food bank, glean a field. Harvested crops are used by the food bank to feed the hungry
volunteer at a soup kitchen
make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and donate them to an organization that works with the homeless
volunteer to pack food boxes for the elderly at the local foodbank
sponsor a food drive in the ward, donate to foodbank

5. Athletics and Fitness Unit

learn about some important female athletes who paved the way for girls behind them.  The Katherine Switzer story is great. Plan out a series of athletic/fitness opportunities for the girls
zumba
yoga
capture the flag
paddleboarding/kayaking
swimming
learn about planning balanced meals — cook a balanced meal together
learn about a few more female athletes and what they’ve accomplished

6. The Written Word Unit

learn about great women writers and poets
girls write their own poetry using writing prompts or other guides
girls artistically render their favorite lines from the poems they’ve written, drawing and coloring images that represent their poetry
design, build, and paint a Little Free Library
volunteer at a local library for a couple of hours
hold a book drive, donating books to shelters
book group, where girls bring a book they love and talk about it briefly. Follow this with making artsy bookmarks

This is my vision for the next year or so of Activity Days. What are your best ideas? What would you like to see the girls in your ward get involved in? Please feel free to share.