Exponent II's Blog, page 216

April is Child Abuse Prevention Month

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Blue pinwheels for Child Abuse Prevention Month
Courtesy of Volunteers of America Illinois

April is Child Abuse Prevention Month. If you happen to see blue pinwheels in a park or on the lawn of a courthouse this month, they represent every child who has been a victim of child abuse within the last year. It’s a staggering sight and is a reminder of a very sobering statistic.

As a social worker I’ve dedicated the last few years of my career working toward the prevention of pediatric abusive head trauma and volunteering as a Court Appointed Special Advocate (CASA) with foster children in Northern Utah.

In my line of work, approximately 25% of abusive head trauma victims die. Most of them are under the age of two years old. I’m inundated every day with information about babies who are abused, with a quarter of them succumbing to the injuries of that abuse. It’s work that hurts my heart and my soul, but meeting survivors, especially adult survivors, and their caregivers, gives me the strength and inspiration to continue on in this much needed, if not soul crushing, work.

If you’re wondering what does this have to do with the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, let me educate you a little. A Gallup poll conducted in 2013 found that 60% of Utahns identify as members of the Church. That would be a majority of this state, but probably the lowest majority since 1847. I know there are many more citizens who no longer identify as members, but were still raised as members or whose family are still members. I would say, having lived in Utah my entire life, that most people either are members, have been members, or have been heavily influenced by the church.

But did you know that 1 in 5 Utah kids will be sexually abused before the age of 18? According to the organization, Prevent Child Abuse Utah, that’s four times the rate of the national average. That would mean, according to the Gallup poll, a majority of those children are members of the church. In every CASA case I have worked on, the families involved all identified as LDS in some way. In Utah, both girls and boys are sexually abused almost equally. Statistics indicate that 54% of reported child sexual abuse victims are girls and 46% are boys. Because of that Utah taxpayers pay approximately $1 billion annually on child abuse. This equates to just over $2.7 million per day for Utah tax payers.

However, most children do not report sexual abuse. In fact, 88% of adults who were sexually abused as children stated they never reported the abuse. It is estimated that only 1 in 10 victims will report abuse. What most people don’t realize, is that 90% of the time a child will be abused by someone in their circle of trust, not a stranger. It’s not the boogey man in the bushes – it’s that trusted person in your life who you thought would never abuse a child.

In the last year we’ve been hearing more and more about men in positions of authority in the Church who have abused either children or people they had stewardship over – people in their circle of trust. Just last week Sterling Van Wagenen was charged with 1 count of aggravated sexual abuse of a child in connection with a girl between the ages of 7 and 9, which occurred between 2013 and 2015. Those were the years the Church hired Van Wagenen to produce the temple videos. This was after he admitted to his Stake President in 1993 that he molested a 13-year-old boy that year. Maybe you believe in forgiveness (I do too) but I also believe protecting children should come first before giving second chances to child molestors. If only 1 victim in 10 comes forward about sexual abuse, we can extrapolate from those statistics that for every 1 child that comes forward, there are 9 who are silent. I doubt this boy in 1993 and this girl two decades later were Van Wagenen’s only victims.

The latest statistics show that in 2015 there were over 20,000 investigations of child abuse and neglect. The state population in that year was close to 3 million. During 2015 the rate of child abuse was 10.5 per 1,000 children, and those were just the cases reported to the Division of Children and Family Services (DCFS). Out of those 41.1% were physically abused and 21.1% were sexually abused.

Child abuse happens in every demographic you can think of, including religion. Child abuse is not unique to the LDS Church, but as a citizen of this state and a person who was raised in the Church, the child abuse statistics hit a little closer to home for me. In my position at my non-profit I track all the publicly reported cases of infant abuse in the country and we have seen a rise in infant abuse in Utah since the beginning of 2019.

My purpose in writing this is not to accuse the Church of anything, but to wake up those members who don’t believe child abuse happens in our community. It does. It absolutely does. Unfortunately what I see in LDS circles is a lot of burying of heads in the sand because people are either in denial that child abuse, and especially child sexual abuse, could be a problem in their community. It’s a problem in every community. And when known child predators are being asked to produce videos for our holiest of places, we need to stop and demand better of our leaders. I’m sorry, but we do not have the gold standard in protecting against child abuse in the Church. Just the child abuse statistics in Utah alone prove that.

During this month, I’m asking all of you what you can do to help eradicate child abuse in our communities. The motto for us CASA volunteers is “I am for the Child.” Can you please also be for the child? Can you put the safety and welfare of children ahead of your loyalty to family members, friends, church members, and institutions? In Utah, all adults are mandatory reporters of child abuse. The National Child Abuse Hotline to report child abuse in the United States if 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453).

And remember, when you see a blue pinwheel on a lawn, know that that precious young person could have been spared abuse, and possibly death, if only one person had spoken up and had been for the child.

#hearLDSwomen: I’m Told at Church and at BYU It’s My Job to Be A Wife and Mother, Not to Have a Career

[image error]I was asked (as a working mother and previous single mother) to speak in sacrament about the Family Proclamation and specifically about God-given role of women to stay home and care for their children.
– Rachel Coleman

 

Before I started my master’s program at BYU, I of course had to get an ecclesiastical endorsement. My bishop offered nothing but support and kindness during round one of the interview process. When I went in for the stake presidency interview, the counselor who I met with asked with great concern if I already have a full-time job. When I answered yes, he proceeded to ask if adding graduate school to my already busy schedule would prevent me from fulfilling my responsibilities to my family. I responded by saying that my daughter is married, my son has his mission call, and my husband is a grown man who can take care of himself.
– Kathryn Larsen

 

I recently studied Engineering at BYU. Most of my professors gave a testimony at some point, that they knew how important school and learning were and how much studying Engineering would help us, even the girls because Engineering is a great major to prepare for motherhood. I never heard even one male teacher in the department acknowledge that a female might have a career after marriage/kids. Some of the smartest people in our class were female. On awards night at the end of senior year, not a single female received an award based on anything but straight GPA. They did recognize one amazingly talented woman by nominating her husband as ‘Most likely to be a stay at home Dad’ as a joke and giving him an award. As an Engineer raised in the Mormon Belt, I have been to hundreds of meetings/seminars claiming to support women in STEM. I have only once seen a woman with a full-time career as the guest speaker/role model.
– Anonymous

 

My grandmother, as Associate Editor of the Relief Society Magazine, was paid significantly less than men in similar positions, because they were “supporting their families” while her pay was supposedly just extra, even though she’d explained to them that my grandfather threw his money into risky investments and she was almost the entire support for herself and my mother.
– Nancy K.

 

I think the biggest silencing the church did to me was when I worked at LDSFS. I was told to stop participating in Mormon feminism in any way, leave all MoFem groups on FB, stop commenting on any feminist blogs, or else I was in danger of losing my job. I was written up by my supervisor. This was action was prompted because a mole in the fMh Facebook group sent screenshots of my comments to church headquarters. This was the Ogden, Utah office at the end of 2011, beginning of 2012. I did what I was told and shut up. Until June 2013 when I quit my job. They were actively dismantling the adoption program and wanted us to lie to our clients that despite rumors it was “business as usual.” I thought it was funny I was asked to break temple covenants by not being honest in my dealings, but couldn’t be honest about my feminist feelings in public.
– Marisa McPeck-Stringham

 

When I was 18, I was sitting in Stake Conference between my dad and older sister. The stake president was giving the closing remarks. I don’t remember what the topic of his talk was but I do remember my blood started to simmer early and then boil by the end. He started talking about the evils of feminism (this was early 2002). He said that all of the evils in society could be traced back to feminism and the denegration of the family unit and home. The only comment that has been seared in my mind was “Women should be more concerned about the state and strength of their ceiling at home than trying to break through and glass ceiling that, when broken, the shards of which will damage, injure and destroy all in its path.” At that point in my life I hadn’t “come out” per se as a feminist, I didn’t have the language for it yet, but I knew that he was talking about me. I knew that he thought who I was at my core – a feminist- was something he was teaching was evil. When I looked around and saw approval and nodding heads of the people in my stake my heart simultaneously broke and my rage ignited. The moment the meeting was over I bolted, leaving my family behind. I walked the neighborhood trying to get my rage and hurt under control. When I got my home my dad didn’t understand why I was upset. He figured if I was angry and hurt it was because I was being called to repentance and it was a message I needed to hear.

I left for college that fall. I attended a liberal women’s college in Southern California. The next 4 years solidified my own brand of feminism and, I know keep, set me on a path that eventually led me to leaving the church when I discovered I was pregnant with a little girl. I knew I never wanted her to feel the way I did sitting in that crowded cultural hall.
– Kelly Boren

 

Pro Tip: Women have many different roles and desires and viewpoints. Do not pigeonhole women into one role or set of opinions that may not fit. Trust women to know what’s best for them.

Click here to read all of the stories in our #hearLDSwomen series. Has anything like this happened to you? Please share in the comments or submit your experience(s) to participate in the series.

“If any man have ears to hear, let him hear.” (Mark 4:23)

Lesson Plan: We Can Do Better and Be Better by Russell M. Nelson

This talk by President Nelson was directed toward male members of the church.  The first part of the talk focuses on repentance and is equally applicable to men and women. Later in the talk, he speaks with men about purity and emotional labor, areas of concern that have been traditionally disproportionately directed toward women within American and other cultures. A discussion of this talk is an opportunity to address unraveling gendered cultural expectations that place responsibilities on women that should be distributed across genders equally.

Repentance as a Process, not a Punishment

Too many people consider repentance as punishment—something to be avoided except in the most serious circumstances. But this feeling of being penalized is engendered by Satan. He tries to block us from looking to Jesus Christ, who stands with open arms, hoping and willing to heal, forgive, cleanse, strengthen, purify, and sanctify us. The word for repentance in the Greek New Testament is metanoeo. The prefix meta- means “change.” The suffix -noeo is related to Greek words that mean “mind,” “knowledge,” “spirit,” and “breath.” Thus, when Jesus asks you and me to “repent,” He is inviting us to change our mind, our knowledge, our spirit—even the way we breathe. He is asking us to change the way we love, think, serve, spend our time, treat our wives, teach our children, and even care for our bodies. —Russell M. Nelson

How can we reframe repentance as an opportunity rather than a punishment?
How can we readjust our attitudes if we feel like avoiding repentance?

Nothing is more liberating, more ennobling, or more crucial to our individual progression than is a regular, daily focus on repentance. Repentance is not an event; it is a process. It is the key to happiness and peace of mind. When coupled with faith, repentance opens our access to the power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Whether you are diligently moving along the covenant path, have slipped or stepped from the covenant path, or can’t even see the path from where you are now, I plead with you to repent. Experience the strengthening power of daily repentance—of doing and being a little better each day. —Russell M. Nelson

How does defining repentance as “doing and being a little better each day” change your perspective on repentance?
How is repentance liberating?

Purity Vs. Purity Culture

Repentance is the key to avoiding misery inflicted by traps of the adversary. The Lord does not expect perfection from us at this point in our eternal progression. But He does expect us to become increasingly pure. Daily repentance is the pathway to purity, and purity brings power. Personal purity can make us powerful tools in the hands of God. Our repentance—our purity—will empower us to help in the gathering of Israel. —Russell M. Nelson

Describing repentance as purity is different than a common idea taught by Christians, including Latter-day Saint Christians, which equates purity with virginity, leaving no room for repentance.

Many object lessons revolve around food. There’s one where the woman at the front of the room holds up an Oreo cookie and says, “Who wants this?” All the kids raise their hands. And then she says, “We’re going to pass this Oreo around the room, and I want each of you to spit on it or to throw it on the ground.” When it comes back to the front of the room, she holds it up again and says, “Okay, now who wants this Oreo?” And nobody raises their hand. It becomes this analogy: The untouched cookie is the virgin and the cookie that has been spit on or dropped by everybody in the room is somebody with sexual experience, who will never be wanted again. —Linda Kay Klein, author of Pure: Inside the Evangelical Movement That Shamed a Generation of Young Women and How I Broke Free

In addition to ignoring the power of repentance, this worldly concept of purity is also sexist, putting the responsibility for sexual purity and the blame for sexual sin in the laps of women, while excusing male behavior. 

Women and girls are fully defined by one thing about them, which is the community’s perception of their “sexual purity.” They can be considered less pure based on their own sexual thoughts and feelings, but also based on men and boys’ sexual thoughts and behaviors toward them. Women and girls are seen as the keepers of sexual purity, so if men and boys are taking sexual action or having sexual thoughts about them, questions will be asked, like, “What was the girl wearing? Was she flirting?”  —Linda Kay Klein

Elder D. Todd Christofferson has discussed this double standard previously: 

There has long been a cultural double standard that expected women to be sexually circumspect while excusing male immorality. The unfairness of such a double standard is obvious, and it has been justifiably criticized and rejected. —D. Todd Christofferson

Speaking to the men of the church, President Nelson flips the script on purity culture:

And remember that it is your responsibility to help the women in your life receive the blessings that derive from living the Lord’s law of chastity. Never be the reason that a woman is unable to receive her temple blessings. —Russell M. Nelson

Why is it damaging to view purity as synonymous with virginity?
How does repentance bring about purity?
How can we ensure that the men and boys in our lives are taught that they are equally accountable with women for sexual purity? 

The Ungendered Responsibility for Emotional Labor

Like sexual purity, the emotional labor within relationships has been disproportionately assigned to women by American and some other cultures.

Gemma Hartley, author of Fed Up: Emotional Labor, Women, and the Way Forward, describes emotional labor this way:

 …the unpaid, invisible work we do to keep those around us comfortable and happy. It envelops many other terms associated with the type of care-based labour I described in my article: emotion work, the mental load, mental burden, domestic management, clerical labour, invisible labour. —Gemma Hartley

She also describes how men are acculturated to neither appreciate nor do the emotional labor that women perform. President Nelson discusses how men should adjust their behavior with the women in their lives, taking on their share of not only physical labor but also emotional labor.

Brethren, your first and foremost duty as a bearer of the priesthood is to love and care for your wife. Become one with her. Be her partner. Make it easy for her to want to be yours. No other interest in life should take priority over building an eternal relationship with her. Nothing on TV, a mobile device, or a computer is more important than her well-being. Take an inventory of how you spend your time and where you devote your energy. That will tell you where your heart is. Pray to have your heart attuned to your wife’s heart. Seek to bring her joy. Seek her counsel, and listen. Her input will improve your output. If you have a need to repent because of the way you have treated the women closest to you, begin now. —Russell M. Nelson

Review and discuss Emotional Labor: A discussion guide for partners and roommates for ideas on how to better divide emotional labor, instead of defaulting to gender norms.

 

 

 

Lesson Plan: “Come, Follow Me” by Russell M. Nelson and A Home Where the Spirit of the Lord Dwells by Henry B. Eyring

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The Hatch Family by Eastman Johnson. Courtesy of the Met.

Since both Russell M. Nelson and Henry B. Eyring talked about eternal families at the April 2019 General Conference, I would discuss both talks together if I were assigned to teach about one of these talks.

As many of you know, our family experienced a tender separation three months ago when our daughter Wendy departed from this mortal life. In the final days of her battle with cancer, I was blessed with the opportunity to have our farewell daddy-daughter conversation. …It was a tender, tearful moment for us. During her 67 years, we worked together, sang together, and often skied together. But that evening, we talked of things that matter most, such as covenants, ordinances, obedience, faith, family, fidelity, love, and eternal life. We miss our daughter greatly. However, because of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ, we do not worry about her. As we continue to honor our covenants with God, we live in anticipation of our being with her again. Meanwhile, we’re serving the Lord here and she is serving Him there—in paradise. —Russell M. Nelson

Do you have an experience sharing the last moments of life with someone you loved? 
What felt important at that time? 
What gave you comfort?

(In a classroom setting, if people may want to talk about these experiences, do, but if they would prefer silent contemplation, allow privacy and time for silent thought.)

Actually, my wife and I visited Paradise earlier this year—Paradise, California, that is. As it happened, our scheduled visit there came less than 40 hours after our daughter departed from this world. We, along with Elder Kevin W. Pearson and his wife, June, were bolstered by the Saints of the Chico California Stake. We learned of their great faith, their ministering, and the miracles that occurred even amidst their devastating losses from the most destructive wildfire in the history of California. While there, we spoke at length with a young police officer, John, who was one of many brave first responders. He recalled the thick darkness that descended upon Paradise on November 8, 2018, as flames and embers raced through the town, devouring property and possessions like a scourge and leaving nothing but piles of ash and stark brick chimneys. For 15 hours, John drove through an impenetrable darkness that was streaked with javelins of threatening embers as he helped person after person, family after family escape to safety—all at the peril of his own life. Yet during that strenuous ordeal, what terrified John most was his all-consuming question: “Where is my family?” After many long, terrifying hours of anguish, he finally learned of their safe evacuation. …The spirit in each of us naturally yearns for family love to last forever. —Russell M. Nelson

Why do our hearts turn to our families in extreme circumstances? 
How can we bring our families closer together in more mundane circumstances?

So, what is required for a family to be exalted forever? We qualify for that privilege by making covenants with God, keeping those covenants, and receiving essential ordinances. —Russell M. Nelson

Russell M. Nelson reminds us that eternal families are predicated on righteousness. Some examples of sins that could separate families in the eternities are listed in The Family: A Proclamation to the World:

We warn that individuals who violate covenants of chastity, who abuse spouse or offspring, or who fail to fulfill family responsibilities will one day stand accountable before God. —The Family: A Proclamation to the World

This doctrine can be healing for people who have been victims of abuse by family members, to whom the promise of an eternal family relationship with an abuser can feel more like a threat than a blessing.

Most abusers have mothers, wives, daughters, and sisters, yet the secrecy with which we shroud the victim is nothing to the secrecy with which we shroud the perpetrator. When the abuse is incest, that means that a wife and a mother either does not know or chooses not to know what her husband is doing to their child. She may love him and choose to not know what is happening because the knowledge is too painful, because she feels to helpless, because there is too much to lose. Please remember the words of the Savior: “And whosoever shall offend one of these little ones that believe in me, it is better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck and he were cast into the sea.” If you know a perpetrator and if you love him or if you love his victim, set the processes in motion so that the perpetrator can receive help and start on his own process of healing. He needs professional help; he also needs ecclesiastical help, and he has committed a crime which he must answer for in the courts of justice. …We can refuse to accept abuse, to make excuses for an abuser, or to turn our heads away from those who have suffered abuse. We can refuse to keep the guilty secrets of abusive men and women in our families, our wards, and our neighborhoods who are damaging and destroying innocence. —Chieko Okazaki

However, to others, who want eternal relationships with family members and fear separation, President Nelson’s teachings about a potentially fragmented eternal family can be deeply disturbing.  President Eyring described himself as one of the people who has felt this way:

My promise to you is one that a member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles once made to me. I had said to him that because of choices some in our extended family had made, I doubted that we could be together in the world to come. He said, as well as I can remember, “You are worrying about the wrong problem. You just live worthy of the celestial kingdom, and the family arrangements will be more wonderful than you can imagine.” —Henry B. Eyring

In President Nelson’s talk, he mentioned that even he, the current president and prophet of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, is unqualified to judge who will earn the blessings of eternal exaltation and eternal families. However, many families are already fragmented during this life. In President Eyring’s talk, he focused on how we can maintain and build family togetherness now, during this life.  

They felt the Holy Ghost, and they felt that they were in a holy place. They surely felt that they were united as one. That miraculous feeling is what we all want in our homes. It is a feeling that comes from being, as Paul described, “spiritually minded.” My purpose today is to teach what I know of how we can qualify for that feeling more often and invite it to last longer in our families. As you know from experience, that is not easy to do. Contention, pride, and sin have to be kept at bay. The pure love of Christ must come into the hearts of those in our family. —Henry B. Eyring

Read and discuss the following suggestions from President Eyring for building family unity. As you read, consider these questions:

How are you building closeness in your families? What more could you do?
What can we do to lead by example? 
Within mixed faith families, how can we build unity and love that transcend differences of belief?

So building faith in Jesus Christ is the beginning of reversing spiritual decline in your family and in your home. That faith is more likely to bring repentance than your preaching against each symptom of spiritual decline. You will best lead by example. Family members and others must see you growing in your own faith in Jesus Christ and in His gospel. —Henry B. Eyring

Even when family members are not living in the home, prayer can build bonds of love. Prayer in the family can reach across the world. More than once I have learned that a family member far away was praying at the same moment for the same thing as I was. For me, the old saying “The family that prays together stays together” could be expanded to “The family that prays together is together, even when they are far apart.” —Henry B. Eyring

Your example of growing in faith may not be followed by all members of your family now. But take heart from the experience of Alma the Younger. In his painful need for repentance and forgiveness, he remembered his father’s faith in Jesus Christ. —Henry B. Eyring

Because none of us is perfect and feelings are easily hurt, families can become sacred sanctuaries only as we repent early and sincerely. Parents can set an example. Harsh words or unkind thoughts can be repented of quickly and sincerely. A simple “I am sorry” can heal wounds and invite both forgiveness and love. —Henry B. Eyring

I believe that he would extend that happy hope to any of us in mortality who have done all we can to qualify ourselves and our family members for eternal life. I know that Heavenly Father’s plan is a plan of happiness. I testify that His plan makes it possible for each of us who has done the best we can to be sealed in a family forever. —Henry B. Eyring

Book Review: Silent Souls Weeping

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Around the year 2002, my husband and I attended Sacrament Meeting together in our BYU single’s ward. The visiting speaker that day was from the high council, and he spoke extensively about overcoming depression and anxiety through service, prayer and scripture study. I was 21, and probably more interested in holding hands with my boyfriend (now husband) than thinking too deeply about what he was saying. It would’ve almost certainly gone into the discarded mental pile of thousands of unmemorable Sacrament Meeting talks I’d heard over the years if it hadn’t have been for what happened the next Sunday.

My bishop at the time was a medical doctor. Sometimes he’d be late to church because he’d been at the hospital delivering a baby, and a friend in my ward once told me the hilarious story of getting a pap smear the week before moving into her new college ward and realizing that she’d just spread her legs open on the exam table for her next bishop. (“I really felt like we didn’t need a get-to-know-you interview at that point!”, she’d quipped.) I knew very little about mental health at the time, so when he stood at the pulpit and said the following, my ears perked up.

Bishop: “I wanted to say something last week after Brother So-and-so from the high council spoke, but I waited until now because I wanted to be sure what I was going to say was okay with the stake president. He has wholeheartedly approved me saying this to you.”

He totally had my attention! I was trying to remember what crazy thing the high councilman had said that needed a public rebuke. Why had I been so into hand holding that I missed something so interesting?

Bishop: “Last week, you were told that depression, feelings of overwhelming sadness, thoughts of suicide, and anxiety could be cured by living the gospel more fully. This is totally incorrect. It’s not a gospel teaching, it’s not good science, and it’s not safe. If you are feeling depressed, you need to see a doctor. Not a priesthood leader, not a blessing from your home teacher, not an extra hour of reading your scriptures in the morning. None of these things will solve your problem. I’m a doctor. Come and see me as a physician, not a bishop, if you are feeling any of these things.”

That had a lasting impact on me. I’m glad I heard it, because I’ve remembered those words countless times over the years.

Fast forward about 17 years in my life, and I’ve just finished Jane Clayson Johnson’s book “Silent Souls Weeping”. I’ve loved Jane for years, ever since I shook her hand at church when I was visiting California as a 12 year old and my mom spotted her in the congregation. We were in the overflow, a visiting family from Utah, and my mom told me she was famous (she’d been on the news in Utah) and that I should shake her hand. All I noticed was how beautiful she was, and that her handshake was so perfectly feminine and soft, with manicured nails and a level of TV star elegance that I had never encountered. As a 12 year old girl, I felt manly in comparison. I’ve spent decades trying to recreate her handshake at job interviews and when meeting new people. I’m sure I’ve failed. Jane’s hands are just perfect.

I followed her journalism career over the years, and when I was still a fairly new mom I read her book “I am a Mother”, published by Deseret Book. My husband was deployed at the time, and I remember staying up late reading it, then waking up early to finish it. It was a pink book whose cover shouted “sappy mom book” to me, but I’d purchased it anyway because I remembered Jane so fondly and gave it a try. It was the perfect book for me. I will never, ever, judge a book by its cover again (as long as I know the author is cool).

Several years passed, and I was pregnant with my youngest daughter with no name picked out. Nothing felt right, and we’d named her two older siblings after important people in our lives, so I didn’t want to pick a name with no meaning for her. I went to Relief Society one day in my uncomfortable maternity panty hose and sat on the back row, in the middle of a faith transition and not sure if I wanted to be there anymore. The teacher was my friend Becky, and she’d printed off a handful of the “I’m a Mormon” biographies from different people she’d found at Mormon.org. None of them had last names, just the “Hi, I’m Abby!” printed at the top, a brief bio, and information about the person and their testimony. Becky walked back to me and handed me one of these handouts, smiling and saying, “Here, you have to read this for me.”

Mine said “Hi, I’m Jane!” on top, and as I read through the brief sentence or two of biographical information, I realized it wasn’t just any old Jane – this was my beloved Jane Clayson Johnson, the woman whose career I had followed since childhood, whose book had brought me peace in the middle of the night, and the woman whose handshake I’d literally been trying to copy my entire adult life. When it came my turn to read my handout I exclaimed, “The person you gave me is one of my favorite people! Like literally, what are the chances of that? Am I being haunted by her?” Only one other woman in the room said, “Oh, I think I remember her…” when I explained whose bio I was reading. Becky had brought Jane’s paper to the one person in the room who would even have known who it was. As we all laughed at this coincidence, Becky said, “You know… Jane is a great name for a girl”, and I realized immediately that I would be naming my youngest daughter Jane. I pretended it was negotiable for about two hours after church, but then told my husband it had to be her name. It was meant to be her name. God stuck the name on my lap in church (via Becky), so no arguing was allowed.

Fast forward again six years to 2019, and this new book was recently released by Jane (the adult Jane, not my kindergartner). It turns out that this perfect woman with perfect hair and the perfect handshake also had a massive episode of depression during which she contemplated taking her own life. She’d had an incredible career (on air with Bryant Gumbel during 9-11, interviewed Martha Stewart right before she went to prison, went to Kosovo during NATO air strikes, interviewed presidents and first ladies, to name a few highlights), she was married with two kids, she’d written a book about how motherhood is freaking awesome, she had a testimony in the church, and yet it turns out that wasn’t enough to keep her mentally healthy. She doesn’t blame her illness on any trigger in her life, but says it was a biological event that was coming, one way or another. People don’t usually do anything to cause mental illness. It just happens.

With the same care and craft that Jane spoke to my heart about motherhood years ago, she speaks about mental illness in this book. She interviewed 150 people directly impacted and told their stories. She interviewed my friend and her gay son who contemplated suicide as a way to escape his impossible life. She interviewed my sister’s favorite BYU professor who had struggled deeply with depression for several years. She talked to mission presidents, moms, family members and friends (including bloggers here at Exponent!) who had suffered from this disease which carries a stigma no other physical ailment does. When someone has surgery or breast cancer, we take them dinner and watch their kids. But when someone is depressed, we gossip and complain about them standing us up and acting distant, or not taking care of their kids. When someone goes to the hospital after a suicide attempt, we don’t know what to do with them and back away in fear. That’s wrong. It’s totally unfair.

I think everyone should read Jane’s book (and pick up her old “I am a Mother” while you’re at it, even if the cover looks too pink for your taste). Years ago I really wanted to understand what it meant to be homosexual, and reading the stories of gay and bisexual members of my church had an indelible impact on my understanding and love for them because they became real people to me. More recently, I’ve been trying to understand racism from my super-duper white corner of the universe in Lehi, Utah – and reading stories from those affected by racism has really been my only way to find that understanding. Reading this book about mental illness has opened my eyes more to what it can be like to suffer from depression. I started thinking about a former neighbor of mine who never smiled, never said thank you, and just let her kids run wild. Was she depressed? I didn’t help her. I just kept a polite distance and tried not to get too annoyed with her children invading my pantry.

I can do much better, and knowledge is what will open the doors of understanding and compassion between all of us. I’d tell to everyone to read this book, then pass it on to a friend who suffers with postpartum depression, lost a friend to suicide, or ever struggled with feeling worthy in any way. We need each other, and we need to understand each other’s journeys to know how to help each other.

 

#hearLDSwomen: I Was Sustained to a New Calling Without My Knowledge or Consent

[image error]I was asked to serve as a stake young women leader at a very stressful time of my life; the calling completely took me off guard. When I asked if I could think about it, the counselor told me they wanted to sustain me in a meeting that started in 30 minutes, but okay, think about it. Within 10 minutes, they called on the phone saying, “Never mind, we decided to ask somebody else.”

– Christy C.

 

I went to Sacrament Meeting as a newlywed and was shocked when I was called over the pulpit to be a visiting teaching supervisor. The bishopric member wouldn’t move on until I stood up and everyone sustained me. I was extremely upset and after the meeting I tried to tell the bishopric member that I had never been asked about this calling. He asked if I would have accepted the calling if he had asked. I said yes and then he just walked away. There was no apology or recognition that I was put in an extremely uncomfortable situation. I felt like I couldn’t say no at that point and that the leadership didn’t care about my contribution.

– Hope

 

I had an experience where I was not “officially called”. The bishop spoke to me on one occasion and said they were looking to make some changes to callings in the ward. I was a Ward Den Leader for Scouts at the time, and he asked how I liked my calling, how long I’d been doing it, etc. He then asked if I would be open to another calling. He gave no specifics as to what this theoretical calling was, what group it was for (Relief Society, Young Women, Primary, etc). I said that I was always open to the potential of another calling and would be happy to talk about it more if/when it came up. He said that they were still in the “early stages” and weren’t sure what they were going to do yet.

Fast forward to a few weeks later, and I’m sitting in Sacrament Meeting. They are going through the ward business, and they announce that they have released me as the Den leader, as well as all of the Primary Presidency. Imagine my complete shock when they called my name as the new Second Counselor in the Primary Presidency. I was completely blindsided! I had no idea that I was being released or called to a new calling. The new Primary President pulled me aside after the meeting and said that I looked visibly confused when they called my name. I explained that I had no idea, the only discussion I had with the Bishop was a very vague “would you be open to a new calling” conversation WEEKS before. I was completely clueless that anyone had even submitted my name for consideration for this calling, and I had certainly never been formally asked if I would accept it. I approached the Bishop about it and he seemed shocked that I was confused. He actually told me that he assumed that by saying I was open to a new calling, I wouldn’t have any issues with what I could potentially be called to.

TLDR; I wasn’t even given a chance to decline or be pressured to accept a calling. It was given to me without any prior knowledge on my part that it would be happening.

– Anonymous

 

I found out I had been called to be RS Secretary during Sacrament meeting; nobody, and I mean nobody, let me know beforehand.

– CP

 

Pro Tip: Encourage people to take the time they need to decide whether a calling is a good fit for them. Do not sustain people to callings unless they are aware and have accepted.

Click here to read all of the stories in our #hearLDSwomen series. Has anything like this happened to you? Please share in the comments or submit your experience(s) to participate in the series.

“If any man have ears to hear, let him hear.” (Mark 4:23)

How @HonorCode Stories Will Change BYU

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Stories are about to change a university. Let me explain.

Most people in the Mormon feminist community have heard about the Instagram campaign to expose and hopefully change the practices of BYU’s Honor Code Office. The account, @HonorCodeStories, was begun by BYU alumna Sidney Draughon and has 36k folowers and more than 1000 stories have been submitted. The goal is not to topple the Honor Code but to “restore accountability to the Honor Code office [HCO], and ensure protection, advocacy, and empowerment for all students, without compromising the integrity of the Honor Code itself.”

Back when I attended BYU in the 1980s, there were scary stories circulating about the HCO. And over the years students have tried to change things by writing letters, circulating petitions, making calls, yet it appears that things have become more draconian over time. But I believe things will change. And this is why.

The submissions to the Instagram account are mini narratives, tiny tales of (sometimes big) trauma with a beginning, middle and end. One can be accused of almost anything: sexual infractions, sexual orientation, cheating, hair & dress, and on and on. Some confess to having broken rules but then the process goes off the rails; some assert they were falsely accused for a variety of reasons (my favorite? To open up a spot on the Young Ambassadors!); some are in trouble for not turning in roommates or friends who violate the HCO. Whatever the cause, there is something extremely powerful in reading these narratives of vulnerability.

The bottom line in each case seems to be: “This happened and I had no recourse.” And yet, the very act of writing the story is an act of power. In a recent article in The Atlantic entitled “The Story of my Life,” author Julie Beck observes, “There’s something about the narrative form, specifically—while expressing thoughts and feelings about negative events seems to help people’s well-being, one study found that writing them in a narrative form helped more than just listing them.” Telling is helpful. Listing is helpful. But writing is transformative.

Before @HonorCodeStories, the tales of humiliation and outrage told behind closed doors could be dismissed as the rantings of rule breakers, kids who were selfish and took the spots of upright students who would not have transgressed. (In fact this is my sister’s theory, that because BYU has become so competitive to get into,  the pressure to weed out the unworthy has led to tactics more suited to Mao, Stalin or McCarthy than an LDS institution.) In creating a space for people to share their shame, Draughon has created a platform that validates both the individual and collective experience.

In an article in Psychology Today, physician Lissa Rankin explores the personal benefits of sharing stories in public spheres:

“Every time you tell your story and someone else who cares bears witness to it, you turn off the body’s stress responses, flipping off toxic stress hormones like cortisol and epinephrine and flipping on relaxation responses that release healing hormones like oxytocin, dopamine, nitric oxide, and endorphins. When we tell our stories and others bear witness, the notion that we are disconnected beings suffering alone dissolves under the weight of evidence that this whole concept is merely an illusion.”

So why now? Why are people who’ve sat on their stories (some for decades) coming forward and willing to share, not just to a friend or two, but the whole interwebs? I think it’s because they now know they are not alone. There is power in numbers. We’ve all had that experience in RS or SS when one brave soul raises their hand and says, “I may be the only one who feels this way, but…” And invariably others raise their hands in agreement or come up the person after and say, “Thank you for saying what I was too afraid to say.” We know from movements like #metoo, that when a few souls bravely speak out, it empowers others to follow and the world can change.

The rush of contributors attest to the truth of what Maya Angelou said, “there’s no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” Individually, as people add their stories, whether huge outrages or minor irritants, there is healing. Every time one of us “likes” a story, we are saying to the victim, I hear you. I support you. You are literally counted.

When something has this much light shed on it, it can’t be shoved back into the dark. We saw this in 2017 with the exposure of the rape culture on Utah campuses. What started with one brave woman resulted in “The yearlong reporting project boosted awareness of sexual assaults and campus safety, while spurring reforms at Utah State University and LDS Church-owned Brigham Young University.” So I don’t think I’m overly optimistic in believing these stories are going to change policy, help heal the university and the ones who suffered. Stories change lives.

 

Relief Society Lesson Plan: “Missionary Work: Sharing What is in Your Heart” by Dieter F. Uchtdorf

Link to the talk: https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2019/04/14uchtdorf

There is so much material in this talk, and as if often the case with Elder Uchtdorf, sometimes what he doesn’t say is as important as what he does say.

Introduction

Elder Uchtdorf begins by talking about the recent trip to Rome, where all 15 Apostles were present for the dedication of the Rome Temple. (show a picture of them all gathered)

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Why do you think President Nelson wanted them all there?
What do you think was accomplished by their trip and time together in Rome?
Potential Responses:

Sort of like a retreat, where you leave the workplace/home and go somewhere else to meet together and figure some things out; create harmony
Busy men, always traveling, good time for all to be in one place at some time
Not so much to show the world, but to reaffirm to themselves and to us as members that the role of an apostle is important, and this is where it started

What is significant about Rome (try not to focus too much on Catholicism, but rather as the cradle of Christianity)
What do we know about Paul and Peter’s time in Rome?
Potential Responses:

Paul was summoned to Rome, as a Roman citizen, imprisoned for 2 years and as able to preach/teach during that time.  He was martyred there.
There was persecution of the early Christians and the church did grow despite this.

Elder Uchtdorf shares some statistics about the number of members of Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints compared to the world population: 16 million members in a world of 7.5 billion people.

The church continues to grow although the growth rate has decreased.  (This is not the point of his talk, so try to to get caught up in this).

Instead of dwelling on the chapel half-empty scenario, Elder Uchtdorf sees it as a chapel half-full, with room for more. You could have someone read 4 paragraphs starting with

“Even in the Lord’s church…

Elder Uchtdorf acknowledges that missionary work is more natural for some than for others and offers Five Simple Suggestions  to help us participate in the Savior’s work.

These suggestions are way to help ourselves as well as help others.

First: Draw Close to God (the first commandment)
Ask yourselves:

Do I really believe in Heavenly Father (and Heavenly Mother)?
Do I trust them? Do I love them?
Why is this Elder Uchtdorf’s first suggestion?

Possible Answers:

If you don’t know God, you can’t introduce others to God/Jesus
The closer you draw to God, the more light and joy will shine and attract others to you

Second: Fill your Heart with Love for Others (the 2nd great commandment)

How do you cultivate a desire to love others?

Try to see everyone as a child of God, regardless; minister to everyone


Can someone share an example of being in an unlikely relationship and loving someone you might not normally be friends with?

Third: Strive to Walk the Path of Discipleship

How can we strengthen our commitment to follow Jesus?

Possible Answers

Personal revelation
Our own experience: That good feeling we get when we help others–positive reinforcement
Learning from others: family, friends, people in scriptures, modern prophet and apostles

Elder Uchtdorf says when our love for God and mankind deepen, our commitment to follow Jesus will follow.
If you can’t get many answers here, call on someone to read Elder Uchtdorf comments in this section.

Fourth: Share What is in Your Heart

Ask someone to read the 1st 2 paragraphs in this section of the talk

What are some normal and natural ways to share what is in your heart?

Possible answers

Social media kindnesses (nice comments about others etc)
Inviting people to your home
Getting to know your neighbors, classmates, coworkers
Find a commonality
Talk of Christ, even when we are of different denominations
Allow others to share their beliefs, even when they are not Christian
Talk about something that happened at church, or some experience that was affirming of your belief
Invite people to come and see without the expectation that they will be baptized

Fifth: Trust the Lord to Work His Miracles

Ask someone to read the 1st paragraph

“ Understand that it’s not your job to convert people. That is the role of the Holy Ghost. Your role is to share what is in your heart and live consistent with your beliefs. ”

How can we keep from being discouraged if our invitations are not accepted?

Remember, we are asked to invite, not convert
Remember the Lord is in charge, he works in mysterious ways

If there is time and you ward/class is open to this sort of thing you might discuss the Spectrum of Belief and put it out there that everyone is at a different place in their beliefs.

You might ask a question like these:

What if you are unsure of your testimony on a specific point of our doctrine?  Is it still possible to be a missionary? (let that sit out there for a while)
Why do you think Elder Uchtdorf titled this talk, “Sharing What is in Your Heart?”
What is it about authenticity that is attractive and inviting?
Do we need to have all the answers in order to be a missionary?
Are there any of these Five Suggestions that apply to everyone, regardless of where they are in their beliefs?

Some might say all are applicable to all
Maybe the first 2 steps are all someone can do right now, and it’s okay.






Conclusion:

Idea 1:  You can read Elder Uchtdorf’s closing remarks where he invokes a blessing.

“As an Apostle of the Lord Jesus Christ, I bless you with the confidence to be a living testimonial of gospel values, with the courage to always be recognized as a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, with the humility to assist in His work as an expression of your love for Heavenly Father and His children.

My dear friends, you will rejoice in knowing that you are a significant part in the long-foretold gathering of Israel, preparing for Christ’s coming in “power and great glory; with all the holy angels.” 20

Heavenly Father knows you. The Lord loves you. God will bless you. This work is ordained of Him. You can do this. We can all do this together.

I so testify in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.”

Idea 2: Go back to the beginning of the lesson with the apostles together in Rome.

When our leaders recently gathered together in Rome, they most likely had a powerful experience.  They were there, where Christianity took hold and spread forth to fill the earth.
The responsibility to carry the mantle continues.
No matter where we are as individuals, may we appreciate the great Atonement of Jesus Christ and the responsibility, as his disciples, to share what is in our hearts.

 

#hearLDSwomen: My Tithing Was Recorded Under My Husband’s Name

[image error]The first time I went to tithing settlement after getting married, I discovered that nearly all the tithing I paid was placed under my husband’s name. I was so upset because my husband was in school full-time and I was the breadwinner at the time. I didn’t want someone else to receive the credit for the tithing I had paid. The bishop told me that the tithing is placed under the priesthood holder’s name. And when I hear things like that, it makes me dislike the word “priesthood” because it sounds like men get special treatment just because they have the priesthood. I told the financial clerk to put it under my name, but he never did. Perhaps the website didn’t allow him to. I’m glad that nowadays I can pay tithing online and it goes under my name. Also, at tithing settlement the bishop said he only needed to ask the husband if he was a full-tithe payer. This made me feel awful, like it doesn’t matter if I pay tithing or not. Am I not accountable for my actions? Paying tithing is important to me, and the bishop made me feel like it was only important for my husband. When I told a family member about this, she saw it as a positive thing, that the bishop saw me as an angel and didn’t need to ask if I paid tithing. But I didn’t agree with her view since the bishop had made me feel so awful.

– Anonymous

 

When we were first married, I was working and husband was in school. They put all the tithing I paid under my husband’s name. I pitched the biggest fit and got them to put it back under my name. I was SO angry about this.

– Anonymous

 

I had all my tithing put under my husband’s name after marriage. I asked to have it moved back to under my own name and was told it didn’t matter.

– Ashley Groesbeck

 

Pro Tip: Respect people’s requests when it comes to their records. If you wouldn’t put a man’s tithing contributions under his wife’s name, don’t put a women’s tithing contributions under her husband’s.

Click here to read all of the stories in our #hearLDSwomen series. Has anything like this happened to you? Please share in the comments or submit your experience(s) to participate in the series.

“If any man have ears to hear, let him hear.” (Mark 4:23)

Playing the Music of Our Lives

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A Lenten Offering as we begin Holy Week.

 

I am called to a meeting where a musical score is introduced.  It is the story of our lives, I am told, complete with movements, arrangements, duets, concertos and one solo performance.  It will premiere in a new concert hall, currently under construction. Many of us are gathered.  Everyone present who desires to play will be given their time on stage, but we will not all play at the same time. We will be able to watch the performance before and after our time on stage.

 

In preparation we gather often with the conductor, who reviews the genesis of the music, the exposition, development and recapitulation of the two dominant themes.  I am instructed in the specific details of my segment, as are others, but we do not know the details of the other movements in which we are not playing.  We will experience it together during the performance. The conductor is most unusual. I am drawn to him and his enthusiasm for the score.

 

The day of the performance I enter through the foyer and join others in orchestra level seating, facing the stage.  The conductor enters to our applause. He invites those still in the foyer to enter. He thanks us for our preparation and steps up to the platform.

 

I follow a soft spotlight to find a couple seated at a grand piano.  I recognize them from rehearsals. The conductor signals with the baton. They begin, playing the same line of music tentatively. Then they separate into parts, playing in harmony, eagerly looking to each other and the conductor.  Their music is playful and inquisitive in a major key of happiness.

 

Another musician enters and attempts to join the couple at the piano, inserting tension in a minor key. The trio’s music seems strained and halted. They appear distracted from the conductor’s direction.  The conductor stops the music, and directs the third player off stage. I was not expecting this but am secretly excited by the unforeseen nature of his conducting style.

 

The conductor returns to the platform.  He summons the couple forward from the piano to new instruments. I watch a scrim descend behind them, obscuring the piano from sight.  These musicians, now violinists, take their seats to begin a new melody. The conductor gently guides them as they play their violins. Their music increases in complexity.  I observe more musicians enter and take their place on stage. Viola, cello, bass, harp, flute, piccolo, oboe, bassoon clarinet, french horn, trumpet, trombone, tuba, and timpani musicians join the violinists.

 

I feel the light and joy of the score, but oft times a darker, more menacing melody entwines.  I look to the stage anticipating my time with excitement and a bit of apprehension.  The original couple has completed their time. They bow. I applaud as they exit stage, taking seats in the balcony.

 

Musicians enter and exit on cue. The music continues, telling the stories of peace and war, love and loss, hope and despair, joy and pain,  loyalty and betrayal, sacrifice and redemption. Though it all the conductor leads, directing the score confidently.

 

One scene is played in beautiful unison. How do these players achieve one accord? Will I play as harmoniously?  It’s sublime. This orchestra receives a standing ovation before exiting to the balcony.

 

Another scene is tumultuous, like tsunamis of unrest.   Brass and percussion dominate, as the stage rolls in waves of turbulence.  It continues even as players drop out and exit stage. At last the swells of sound recede as soft strings and woodwinds return like birds in spring.  This orchestra that began with a full corps of musicians now finishes with a  tiny crew of players. The small ensemble bow, seemingly in stunned shock, then exit stage and enter the balcony.

What was that about? I feel sadness.  I hear the crowd in the foyer and am distracted as the next movement begins. I hear grating, jarring opposition among the musicians.  The woodwinds offer a melody as the strings drown it out. They are competing with no clear winner. I remember, this isn’t a competition. What are they doing?  There is noise but no music. The conductor silences the orchestra with a wave of the baton. Thank goodness, I welcome the relief.

 

From stage left a flautist enters; from stage right a piccoloist.  I watch them greet at center stage, embracing. I see their instruments seemingly leap from their hands in anticipation. They play a dulcet duet reflecting an inner happiness they share. The melody is both meek and magnificent.  The other musicians, in stunned silence, observe the pair.

They finish their offering and separate. The piccoloist joins the orchestra.  An oboist escorts the flautist stage right, stopping just in front of the curtain.  The flautist begins sweetly while the oboist supports her melody. Their song is gentle and humble, yet noble and sacred. Just as the flautist plays her high note they are joined by a chorus of French horns and trumpets.  The joy cannot be contained. The entire assembly erupts in joyful affirmation.

 

One by one each musician on stage approaches the flautist and oboist, quietly speaking with them.  I cannot hear their conversations, but the flautist seems surprised, shedding tears of joy as she takes in the scene.  The lights dim.

 

At intermission I ponder what has happened. I recall the two dominant themes, hearing them in my memory. I glance up to see the piano couple seated in the balcony surrounded by musicians who have had their turn on stage.  We on the main floor have yet to experience the stage. What will it be like? Are the lights bright enough or blinding? Will the noise in the foyer still distract me?  Will I be able to see the conductor? How will I handle my instrument?

 

The next movement begins.  From stage left I watch a trumpeter enter, commanding center stage with a brilliant, bold performance.  We are awakened. The musicians take notice and join in. This score is alive with urgency.   I am drawn in, carefully observing the interplay between the conductor and trumpeter–the latter totally aligned with the former, following his lead and direction. Then, unexpectedly, the trumpeter lays down the trumpet, bids the orchestra to follow the conductor and exits to the balcony.   Why did this section have to end now, just when I was understanding how to take direction?

Together with the orchestra, I am saddened by the trumpeter’s exit.  The musicians are silent, beseeching the conductor for direction. I watch him.  He beholds them, each of them. He pauses. He lays down the baton and steps off the platform.  I see his compassion. I feel their gratitude.

 

He signals for a tuning note, but they cannot align their instruments. I watch the conductor approach each player, gently touching their instruments, gracefully tuning all to the perfect note.  I wish I were on stage now. I want to be there with them–with him.

 

I see the flautist step forward, presenting the conductor with his violin. He kisses her and moves to center stage.  He nods to the musicians and they begin to play together, all eyes on him.  With each measure he draws out my private felicity and frailty. He is breathtaking.  Who is this man? What is happening to me?

 

They play on, in harmony.  However, gradually the alternate theme of dissension appears.  Can’t the harmony continue a bit longer? The percussion increases as if marching towards him, then halts abruptly. I watch the other musicians one by one, moved with emotion, unable to play, silence their instruments.  The conductor continues alone, each note exquisitely offered. His range is amazing. He descends incrementally to the lowest octave his instrument will play, lingering there with brief sojourns to higher dyads.  Gaining strength he climbs one octave above the tuning note, but falls below again. He climbs, he ascends, bittersweetly reaching the highest note, abiding there at the pinnacle, searing the audience with the intensity of his gift—the clarity of his sacred strain.  In that moment I am released from the sorrows and shame that hide in my soul. I watch the pains and sufferings rise up like incense wafting away from me.

 

Exhausted, he collapses on his violin.  The neck breaks, the strings snap. The violin lays in pieces.  I can barely watch as he, our conductor, stumbles off stage, pitching and weaving through the orchestra seating. He passes close by as he reaches the foyer doors. With his last drop of sanguine energy, he audibly commands the portal to open.  In submission the doors rent as shock waves permeate the concert hall—trembling walls, shuddering people, failing light. The conductor disappears into the foyer. What is happening?  

A second intermission gratefully begins. I sit in reverential respect, coupled with fear, contemplating the immensity of the scene played out before me. There is so much I do not understand.  Why did the conductor leave? I selfishly wonder about the rest of us who have yet to have our time on stage. I feel guilt for thinking about myself. Where has he gone? I find no answers but gradually the fear is replaced by hope.  I remember what he told us during the rehearsals. He said he would be with us.

The bell sounds for the next movement to begin.  I turn my attention to the stage. The conductor’s platform is empty. A violinist offers the tuning note.  The orchestra begins a simple song reminiscent of the beloved conductor. To stage left, in front of the curtain, out of sight of the orchestra, but clearly visible to me, I see a clarinetist, sitting alone on the stage floor, crying.  She looks up and unexpectedly finds the conductor standing before her, with his restored violin and baton. He signals her to stay silent. They embrace. He takes his leave of her, silently stepping to the conductor’s stand. He is recognized, quickly encompassed about with musicians.  They clamor about him, inspecting his violin and baton. A great rushing wind blows through the concert hall, showering divine light. Joy has returned.

 

The conductor signals the musicians to take their seats.  The note is given. They align in unison. The conductor turns, facing the audience.  He is splendid, full of light and life. He explains there is room for more on stage and beckons others up.

 

His eyes meet mine, his arms extended.  I propel myself forward from orchestra seating, through the back stage, excited and apprehensive.   I find my mother waiting, just offstage, veiled in the side curtain. She touches me, bestowing a beautiful blessing befitting my time on stage.  She offers me my instrument. I feel her love.

 

I enter. My focus on the conductor.  It is my turn.

 

 

Discussion questions:

Which instrument best represents you? or Christ? or other musicians in the symphony?

Which movement or dispensation would you like to play in or observe?

Can you think of specific music that speaks to you of Christ?

 

I gratefully acknowledge help from the  musicians in my life (M, R, J) and Ed, my friendly spiritual sounding board   Artwork by Meaghan Clark