Exponent II's Blog, page 215

“I Gave Her a Name” Bulleted List of Poems

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Please see the bulleted list of poems according to the four themes discussed in the Exponent book review of “I Gave Her a Name.”

Theme 1: Heavenly Mother is multifaceted and complex, and embodies dialectical and opposing traits

“She is total brightness, then darkness, then brightness again” (Her Brightness and Glory, p. 58)She embodies opposites (Borders, p. 68)Heavenly Mother is powerful, assertive, brave, directive (see “What Lin Taught Me, p. 14) She is also extremely delicate and soft (Somewhere to Lay His Head, p. 55)

Theme 2: She embodies our human traits,
emotions, and experiences

She shows love for her growing body and is confident taking up space (Space, p. 16)She’s lost things (Lost, p. 49)She is connected to her mothers and sisters, even if they are lost to her (What Claudia Taught Me, p. 50)She Feels Grief (Her Grief, p. 50; Unraveling, p. 117)She wants to be understood, even though it’s hard (Her brightness and Glory, p. 58)She gets scared (Stoic Mother, p. 65)She is learning (Through, p. 69)She knows the pain of being violated (She’ll Say, p. 83)She remembers the things that have happened to her and keeps records of her life (The Archivist, p. 90; What Joanna Taught Me, p. 91)She remembers the things that have happened to women and keeps records of it (What Joanna Taught Me, p. 91; When She’s Handed the Book, p. 95)She loves nature (The Mother Still Delights, p. 104)She’s political and directive in responding to injustice and pain (What Karim Taught Me, p. 63, She Witnesses, p. 63; Like Lady Liberty, p. 119; What Paul Taught Me, p. 174)She cries (The God Who Weeps, p. 125; The Mother Cried Power, p. 126; How Heavens weep, p. 136; Why Heavens Weep, p. 137; What Lisa Taught Me, p. 137)She feels anger and rage (On Female Anger, p. 12; What Laurel Taught Me, p. 126; What Rebecca Ann Taught Me, p. 128; Moon Mother, p. 173)She’s quiet without a microphone and has a hard time being hard; she talks as loud as she can (Without a Microphone, p. 133)She knows who exactly she is (A House, p. 148)She carries her experiences in her body (Where She Carries, p. 168)She knows what it is like to be cast out and alone in the wilderness, but to still make things beautiful (Exile, p. 264)

Theme 3: Heavenly Mother caretakes us is so many
varied, individual, intricate, and intimate ways

Checking after us, often, all day (“To See If We’ve Called, p. 26)She sits with us (What Margaret Taught Me, p. 28) – those dying, in labor, she cries with outcastsShe calls attention to others’ pain and those who are forgotten  (The Unseen mother, p. 29; The Unheard Mother, p. 135; Blood Issues, p. 143)She sends proxies to help us (e.g., when we’re throwing up; Proxies, p. 29)She keeps watch while we sleep and greets us before and after bed (“The Lamplighter, p. 46)She is our home (Home, p. 54) and where we belong (Where We Belong, p. 55)She knows our stories (Well Behaved Women, p. 62)She would do anything for us (What Karim Taught Me, p. 63)She lets us try things (Free-Range Parent, p. 67) and lets us make our own mistakes (Helicopter Parent, p. 67)She goes with us places (Of a Good Courage, p. 78)She leaves a trail for us to find her (A Trail of Small Items, p. 79)When she can’t take us with her, she’ll leave us with a blessing and offer comfort (What Steven Taught Me, p. 88)She holds us, even when pull away from her (What Rosie Taught Me, p. 108)She does unseen things all day (What Heather (Re)Taught Me, p. 108)Feeds us, dresses us, gives us Vitamin C drops and tissues when we’re sick (What a Mother Does, p. 111)She is a place we can rest (The Napping Place, p. 111)She wants us to not hate our bodies or ourselves (Things She Hopes For Her Daughters, p. 112)She understands our cries in different languages (The Linguist, p. 120)She remembers important facts like all of the alphabets, how the stars and suns move, etc. (She Knows it by Heart, p. 123)Sometimes she doesn’t talk, but she brings gifts (What Te Fiti Taught Me, p. 131)She honors women’s stories and voices and writes them down (What the Exponent Taught Me, p. 132)When things are desperate, she leaves her throne and comes down to us (What Joe and Gina Taught Me, p. 138)She teaches us things we need to know, like how to be carried, how to drink milk and eat honey, speaking her language, and how she will deliver us (Did Not Doubt, p. 138)She runs to us after we’ve been gone or lost (Prodigal Daughter, p. 141)She opens her arms to us all day long and wants us to run to her (The Woman with Outstretched Arms, p. 142)She prays to us (What the Mother Prays To, p. 153)She wishes for eternal rest while she provides it to her children (Her Hands are Open, p. 158)She offered to come down to earth instead of us (I Am Here, p. 166)She knows our pain and losses, binds our wounds, and helps us salvage what can be salvaged (When Things Break, p. 170; Kintsugi, p. 170)She cries for us and holds us close to her (Moon Mother, p. 173)There is nothing that can separate us from her love (What Paul Taught Me, p. 174; Other Things That Will Not Separate Us From Her Love, p. 173)

Theme 4: We are intimately connected as women to
each other, and to our Heavenly Mother in lovely, intricate ways

We are connected to women, all the way back to Eve, and then Heavenly Mother (Matryoshka Dolls, p. 34, Mother Lines, p. 35)We are connected to Heavenly Mother through our DNA (What Heidi Taught Me, p. 37)We are connected to Heavenly Mother through the earth and nature (The/Her, p. 40)The artwork includes women of varying ages and body sizes, and even generations. Some of the artwork includes pioneer women (e.g., see p. 164 and 167)

#hearLDSwomen: My Bishop Sided With My Abusive Husband and Would Not Give Me Aid When I Left Him

[image error]My bishop told me if I’d hearken to my husband, he would feel better about himself and stop abusing me. I literally told my bishop that the phrase was to hearken to the counsel of my husband as he hearkens to the counsel of God. He wasn’t listen to God, his psychiatrist, or anybody. So it didn’t apply at ALL.

– Anonymous

 

I was taught as a Beehive that a woman is a mirror to reflect their husband’s light.

Thankfully this comment simply made me roll my eyes, but I am still close friends with one of the girls from that class and I know she really deeply internalized this message (and others like it). It wrecked her for years. She finally found her voice and her individuality but it took 15 years, an abusive marriage (wherein she was silenced and belittled and thought this was how it was supposed to be) and completely separating herself from the church for her.

– Marjorie

 

My abusive husband Refused to pay the court ordered child support when we were going through a divorce and he still owes about $40,000. Having four children that I was trying to support on my own, I went to my bishop asking for assistance at least until the matter could be somewhat resolved. My bishop said this is my fault because I filed for divorce and lied about being abused.

I have these statements in emails and several texts. He said I was asking for too much money from my husband and he couldn’t afford it. Again, it was court ordered and a straight calculation by the judge.

My bishop cut me off of receiving food for my children at a time we needed it desperately. I donated plasma just to buy food and gas. I have an autistic child and mounds of therapy bills, plus attorney fees, and was hopeless. This was the darkest time I have ever experienced in my life.

This was done by a Bishop still currently serving in Virginia and abusing more women.

– Lesley

 

A girl in my ward was my visiting teaching partner. Her husband was an alcoholic and always having and meeting other women. I encouraged her to go to counseling and al-anon. Eventually he asked her for a divorce. She said oh heck yes. I helped her find a job, navigate social services to get day care, etc. The bishop wrote to her mother, told her husband (who decided he wanted to go back to church and stay married after he found out the financial cost to him) that I was the cause of the divorce. She was told not to hang with me. Her mother paid for HIS attorney and wouldn’t help her because I had corrupted her. It was bad enough when the bishop was telling women not to hang with me outside of church functions as I supported LGBT equality, but after this I quit attending church and vowed not to go back as long as he is bishop. I took this as ecclesiastical abuse. Oh course, he never once talked to me about any of this.

– Cheryl Purnell

 

A few incidents from a kind, well-intended bishop who responded mostly well to a discussion about my husband’s depression but cautioned that I might be oversensitive to conflict since Mormon culture prizes non-confrontation and I’m such a calm, gentle person. 10 years into our marriage (of which he has known us for 7), I am surely seasoned enough to tell the difference between a normal argument and a man who is almost constantly angry with me. It felt very patronizing and dismissive of the painful problems in my home.

– K. Peterson

 

Pro Tip: Support women during difficult and vulnerable times. Do not deny resources or aid to a woman going through a divorce. Do not counsel people to stay in abusive relationships or use temple covenants to justify abuse.

Click here to read all of the stories in our #hearLDSwomen series. Has anything like this happened to you? Please share in the comments or submit your experience(s) to participate in the series.

“If any man have ears to hear, let him hear.” (Mark 4:23)

A Conversation with Myself: Practicing Self-Compassion

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Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash

“Compassion isn’t some kind of self-improvement project or ideal that we’re trying to live up to. Having compassion starts and ends with having compassion for all those unwanted parts of ourselves, all those imperfections that we don’t even want to look at.”
—Pema Chödrön

A couple of years ago, Dr. Sara McPhee Lafkas gave a life-changing workshop at our annual Exponent II retreat on having self-compassion for ourselves as Mormon women. This workshop was based on the work of Dr. Kristen Neff, and self-compassion is “with self-compassion, we give ourselves the same kindness and care we’d give to a good friend.” Until that workshop, I hadn’t realized how cruelly I was talking to myself.

I still work on having self-compassion, and I wanted to share the dialogue in my head when I was successful in being kind to myself because the voices in my head have the best of intentions, and being kind to myself allows me to listen, evaluate all those thoughts, and decide what is best for me.

Me at 10:00 am one morning: I feel like my body needs a nap.

Voice #1: You are so lazy! It’s 10 am on a Monday morning. You haven’t done anything to deserve to take a nap.

Voice #2: You want to sleep?! Your depression is back! You will never get well! Why do you keep trying?! This is hopeless!!!!

Self-compassionate Em (SCE): Ok, we’re going to slow down a bit. Why might you feel tired?

Me: Well, I did wake up early to run 5 miles, and I haven’t done either of those for months. And, then, I was feeling so good and productive I set up like 6 appointments and a few social visits for the week, and I can’t remember the last time I did that.

Self-compassionate Em: Well, maybe you are really tired. What else could you do instead of a nap to see if you’re tired?

Me: Well, I guess I should focus on my breath and see what would help my body.

SCE: Good thinking! Let’s try that!

Now, how do you feel?

Me: You know, I am still tired. I think I want to rest.

SCE: Well, let’s do that then. It’s not that you deserve this nap. We’re just going to try and listen to your body and see what helps. If a nap doesn’t help, we’ll figure that out when you wake up.

When I first wrote about this experience, I called those voices “demons,” but I realized that wasn’t being kind to a part of myself. And, I found this quote helpful.

“Most of our suffering comes from resisting what is already here, particularly our feelings. All any feeling wants is to be welcomed, touched, allowed. It wants attention. It wants kindness. If you treated your feelings with as much love as you treated your dog or your cat or your child, you’d feel as if you were living in heaven every day of your sweet life.”

–Geneen Roth

Have you been kind to yourself today? What does that look like for you?

Relief Society Lesson: Answers to Prayers by Brook P. Hales

A lot of this talk is stories about people who were praying for something and then it came to them. There is one story at the end of a woman who goes blind and she comes to terms with not having her eyesight restored in an “endure to the end” way. I think we need to be very careful about how we talk about prayer and the blessings that we receive from it because there are lots of people in this world hurting and praying and not getting the relief from their burdens that they desire.

If you are interested in another perspective on prayer, Mary Jane Woodger, a professor at BYU, wrote What I Have Learned about Mighty Prayer in the December 2006 Ensign. For this lesson outline, I have a mix of quotes and questions to get discussion started.

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Prayer, by Samuel Huron, used with Creative Commons license CC BY-NC-ND 2.0

Early in the talk, Elder Hales quotes Matthew 6, “The scriptures teach us, “For your Father knoweth what things ye have need of, before ye ask him.”

Discussion Question: Why would we need to pray if Heavenly Father already knows our requests?

Elaine A. Cannon in Reach for Joy in the April 1982 Ensign, “Adversity is an important part of the preparation for at least three reasons. One, God knows whom he can trust and who, like Job, will stand firm and love him unconditionally. Second, adversity well handled can increase our understanding and compassion. And we will be more effective in helping others when we’ve had a few challenges of our own. We just may need to be an answer to somebody else’s prayer. And third, we draw closer to our Heavenly Father when we are in deep need. Our prayers of thanksgiving and joy of course should be part, and are a part, of our worship, but I guess there isn’t anybody here who won’t admit that we pray more fervently when we’re under the press of problems. Attitude in adversity turns hopeless to hopeful.”

Discussion Question: Have there been times in your life where you don’t feel God is answering your prayers? If yes, was it worth it to pray in those times? Why/why not?

Patricia T. Holland stated in the October 1987 Ensign, “We are women now, not children, and we are expected to pray with maturity. The words most often used to describe urgent, prayerful labor are wrestle, plead, cry, and hunger. In some sense, prayer may be the hardest work we ever will engage in, and perhaps it should be. It is pivotal protection against becoming so involved with worldly possessions and honors and status that we no longer desire to undertake the search for our soul.

Discussion Question: Are there times where prayer might not be beneficial? Or is it always a positive?

In the Ensign article linked above, Woodger states, “Although the Lord has promised to grant our righteous desires, I recently learned to look at prayer in a new way. ‘The miracle of prayer does not reside in the ability to manipulate situations and events.’ Rather, the miracle is that we have a relationship with God and have the knowledge that He is there, that He loves us and desires to bless us. “

Discussion Question: Have you ever received an answer to a prayer that was not what you expected? What was it like to follow a prompting that seemed contrary to your original thoughts?

 

If you need other lesson ideas, here are a few from our archives about prayer:

Relief Society Lesson: Help from on High
Gospel Principles: Praying to Heavenly Father
Young Women Lesson: How Can I Make My Prayers More Meaningful?

 

The Impermanence of Eternal Things

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By E. Gray

I have an irrational love for churches. All churches. Soaring medieval basilicas, ancient stone shrines, clapboard New England meetinghouses, eccentric modern architecture, Latter-Day Saint temples. Old and new, large and small, awe-inspiring and quirky and plain, Christian, pagan, Jewish, and Muslim. I have spent most of my academic life thinking and writing about how churches embody religious identity and constrain religious practice. I drag my kids, students and friends into churches and require them to sit and observe, and to admire if they choose. Not all churches are beautiful. I am perfectly ok with that. In fact, my Latter-Day Saint upbringing has accustomed me to looking for transcendent experiences while sitting in practical, unadorned chapels and I frequently discover that unattractive churches can reveal the most fascinating things about those that built and worshipped in them. But there is no experience like walking into a gorgeous cathedral and looking up at the vast expanse of enclosed space created by human hands in veneration to God, an experience that feels about the same in Mexico City, Montreal, Washington DC, Venice, London, Cologne, Madrid, and over and over in Rome.

And in Paris. Like so many others, I watched the news with horror as Notre Dame burnt on the night of April 15th, and I woke up early the next morning to find with relief that most of its treasures, its windows and its iconic façade and bell towers were saved due to the heroic triage efforts of firefighters. Because of my work as a religious historian, I have managed to talk my way up into the space between the vaults and the roof at more than a few medieval and early modern European churches. (Despite a touch of vertigo and claustrophobia, I firmly believe that one must explore both the attic and the basement whenever possible.) A few years ago, clambering over roof timbers above the vaults in King’s College Chapel in Cambridge, it occurred to me to wonder why all those ancient, dry wooden beams did not burst into flame more often. The thick stone walls and wide expanses of copper sheathing on old European churches create an impregnable skin, but on the inside are hidden some highly-flammable bones.

Now that I know that the damage to Notre Dame is repairable and most of the priceless items preserved, I have been trying to sort through my complicated emotions of the past day. Watching dramatic footage of the fire and reading despairing posts and melancholy memories on Facebook, I kept thinking, “Yes, this is how this feels.” While I watched video of Notre Dame’s central tower falling, I saw bombs dropping on Dresden in 1945, destroying the Frauenkirchealong with every other building in the center of the city and the lives of hundreds of thousands of civilians. I watched emergency response personnel running in and out of Notre Dame and saw rioters pillaging the cathedral in 1793 during the French Revolution, doing much more damage to its precious art and irreplaceable relics than the fire of 2019. I clicked on photos of bright flames glowing through the rose window and saw besieging armies in the Thirty Years War torching the Cathedral of Magdeburg in 1631 while citizens ran to escape the city and looters scrambled for any remaining treasures. My sense of déjà vu was heightened when news reports about Notre Dame brought similar events into the consciousness of media consumers: the al-Aqsa Mosque in Jerusalem experienced a major fire at the same time Notre Dame was burning, and an arsonist attacked three black churches in Louisiana a few weeks ago. I watched the burning of Notre Dame and saw every church in the world.

I realize this is a strange response, maybe even for a historian. I also realize that I cannot possibly know how it really feels to watch a sacred, beloved, iconic building desecrated and devastated before my very eyes. Perhaps my friends who watched the Provo Tabernacle burn in 2010 could honestly say they know how it feels. I was safe at home in my farmhouse in Vermont, wrapped in a warm blanket, staring at a screen at events happening 3500 miles away. The images transported me to Paris and beyond, and yet I felt distanced from my fellow observers around the world, who were watching the unimaginable destruction of a building everyone assumed to be eternal and unchanging while I saw something that struck me as terrible, but oddly predictable and even routine. Churches burn. Roofs collapse. Art is tragically lost. People rush back and forth, saving what they can or escaping the destruction. Then the sun comes up, they take stock of the situation, they clean things up, and they begin again to rebuild. Until the next time.

What does it mean when a permanent structure, an anchor of memory and identity, turns out to be ephemeral? I think of the things that once seemed everlasting and infinite to me, but I now recognize as a complicated amalgamation of things ancient and modern, human and divine. Some of the elements are beautiful, some are strange, some are unsightly and uninspiring. Sometimes flames erupt or looters invade and I am forced to assess what is precious enough to be worth saving and what I can let go and rebuild later. But I do not love the edifice any less.

How do you cope when your spiritual landmarks go up in flame? 

What’s in a name?

[image error]Mister-Mistress, Lord-Lady, King-Queen, Actor-Actress, Aviator-Aviatrix, President, Boss, Bishop, Deacon, Teacher, Priest-Priestess?, Elder, Provider, Presider, Nurturer, Pilot, Captain, and etc. So many titles. All referring to positions, qualifications, status, or location in a hierarchy. So many attached to men, with lesser, corresponding feminized versions sometimes. Certainly part of our patriarchal heritage, part of our human desire to categorize each other. Labels help us make sense of the world but also put children of God into boxes.

How many titles or boxes contain you? Or do you contain? Surely we all contain multitudes. What names will never be attached to you, perhaps because of gender roles?

If “all are alike unto God,” and we really believe it, we shouldn’t use honorific titles. I’ve long felt that we should all be “brother” and “sister” without regard to callings or positions. Or maybe, in acknowledgment of a non-binary world, “friend” or “sibling.”

And yet…

I was in a youth meeting recently. When the young men’s president turned the time over to the young women’s president, he referred to her as “President _____.” This struck me; I don’t think I’ve heard that before. Usually the man is called “President” and the woman is called “Sister.” It really made me feel something. That something was good. Eventually I do believe we will do away with labels and titles. When we achieve Zion, there won’t be any manner of -ites among us, and we will be one.

But until that time, it was really good to hear the young women’s president called “President.” An easy and achievable step towards reducing the unnecessary boxes around all of us children of Heavenly Parents.

Are female presidents referred to as “President” in your ward? I live in a very conservative area, is this just an issue in Utah?

How does the priesthood apply to women?

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The priesthood is something I’ve found incredibly confusing ever since I was in Young Women’s. Whenever people talk about the priesthood, it always goes in one ear and comes out the other. I don’t retain the information because I don’t feel it applies to me. And, it seems that the priesthood is only about men. After all, the men’s quorum is always referred to as “Priesthood.” The men are referred to as “the priesthood.” And the men’s session of general conference is also referred to as the “Priesthood session.” Then there’s always all the talk about priesthood keys, priesthood leaders (which only refers to male leaders) and priesthood offices, which only men get.

You can see why I tended to disassociate the priesthood from me. Yet, we often hear at church that the priesthood is available to all and that people receive all the blessings of the priesthood. We are told that women receive all the blessings of the priesthood. My question is: if women receive all the blessings of the priesthood, then the priesthood must apply to them too, right? And if so, then why are men referred to as the priesthood and why are men’s meetings always called priesthood meetings? Isn’t it more correct to label the men’s quorum or conference session with a word other than “priesthood?” Church members always associate the priesthood with men, and at the same time teach that everyone has access to the blessings of the priesthood. Can you see why I get mixed messages?

I really appreciated the article “Connecting Daughters of God with his Priesthood Power,” which appeared in the March 2019 Ensign. It’s written by Barbara Morgan Gardner, a BYU associate professor of Church History and Doctrine.

It’s no surprise that, as the writer puts it: “Many women, not knowing what blessings they have access to, are not taking full advantage of the spiritual feast available to them” (31). The writer says that women need to “step forward” and “take their rightful place…in the kingdom of God” (31).

I believe that a few things could have been improved in the article. For example, the quote by Gordon B. Hinckley says that women “stand in an associate role to the priesthood” (32). I think a better word could be used instead of “associate.” “Associate” can mean “partner” but it can also mean a “subordinate.” The word “associate” is vague and can be interpreted as either an equal or someone of lower status. I prefer the word “equal” or “partner” instead of “associate.”

The article mentions several great things that people never talk about at church. I once was in a Sunday School class and we were learning about the ministering of angels, which the scriptures mention in regards to Aaronic priesthood offices, and one woman raised her hand and asked, “Does this relate to women too?” The teacher said she didn’t know for sure but that she believed so because we all receive the blessings of the priesthood. When I heard that, it was like a lightbulb went on in my mind. I had always thought that the ministering of angels was something that only those with the Aaronic priesthood had access to, or at least, I thought that this was what the scriptures were saying. But at that moment I realized that I have to separate the blessings from the usual descriptions of the priesthood in order to apply it to women.

The article states that “Both women and men are delegated power and authority by those who hold priesthood keys” (32). This idea is very unclear at church. We’ve only had hints of this idea spoken by apostles in General Conference. Elder Oaks has provided several quotes that talk about this idea, and I’m grateful that he’s providing more insight about how women use the priesthood. When I read that God gave men the power “to direct, control, and govern the use of His priesthood” (32) I admit I feel uneasy. I think to myself, why did God give the priesthood to men only? Why is this based on gender? Why do men get to make decisions about the church? Is it possible for women to make decisions about the church, while at the same time not having the priesthood?

I have so many questions but very few answers. I also think to myself: if priesthood-holders are allowed to delegate, then why don’t they delegate more opportunities to women? Why do they get to decide and make major decisions for the church? Shouldn’t women be able to do any thing in the church, since the priesthood can be delegated?

“Women have authority to perform their callings, under the direction of one who holds priesthood keys, just as men do” (32). I like that it recognizes that women have authority, but I cringe a bit when it says that they have that authority because of a man. I also liked that it reminds us that men have to answer to others as well, but it would be nice if men answered to women too (besides male primary workers answering to the female primary president). I like it when things are reciprocal and equal.

Another issue I see with this quote is that it makes it sound as if a man is needed in everything, but I don’t believe that’s true. I don’t believe that God would leave women without some kind of power. And I’m not just talking about the Holy Ghost. I like to think that women have something that we don’t know about yet. Wouldn’t God have given some kind of divine power to women as well? I think that women do have a divine power, but that it goes unrecognized by church members and that members also don’t know much about the women’s power, perhaps because it doesn’t have a name.

The article asks who would preside if a joint Stake YM and YW presidency meeting were taking place. I personally had never thought of this before, nor did I think it could happen. Since both presidents were given the authority by the Stake President, then they “both have the same priesthood authority and therefore neither presides over the other” (33) and can take turns presiding. I was glad the writer addressed this. I honestly had never known about this. I thought that men with the priesthood always had more priesthood authority than women did, but I guess that’s not true when it comes to certain callings. I once attended a joint Relief Society and Elder’s Quorum meeting, and the RS president kind of stood by and let the EQ president direct the meeting. I don’t blame her for thinking that men should preside; this kind of thing is so widespread everywhere in the Church. I was so disappointed in how the meeting went. And to be fair, it was the first joint meeting and ministering had recently come into place, so I guess it was a new thing for everyone.

Then there’s the question of spiritual gifts. It seems that sometimes people equate certain spiritual gifts (like healing and revelation) with the priesthood. However, President Joseph Fielding Smith said “The Lord offers to his daughters every spiritual gift and blessings that can be obtained by his sons” (33). If this is the case, then women too can exercise the healing power. This isn’t just something that men can do. One example I can think of is Amanda Barnes Smith, one of the early church members, who healed her son’s hip. While church materials often explain this in terms of revelation and the power of prayer, I believe this story is principally describing a healing. The woman healed her son. Surely women must have some kind of divine power since they’re able to do these things without having priesthood office.

One thing that makes me cringe is when women talk as if they need a priesthood holder in their home in order to have added blessings. I hear this all the time in sacrament meetings. But what about the temple? Don’t women officiate in priesthood ordinances there? Both men and women talk about the priesthood as if women are missing something and as if men are adding something to the women’s lives. For example, when people talk about single women, they tell them they can ask their home teachers for blessings and such. That’s fine and all, but it also makes it sound as if single women are defenseless without a priesthood-holder, and that is just not true. Don’t women have the Holy Ghost? Don’t women have priesthood power? There’s no reason to talk about women as if they’re incomplete or lacking in God’s power. The article says “…women can have priesthood power in their homes regardless of a visit from a priesthood holder” (33). Men are not mediators between women and God. The article states that women can access priesthood power “without any mortal intermediary” (33).

I hope we get more articles about the women’s access to the priesthood, because it would be great to understand more clearly how women use the priesthood. I hope “priesthood” becomes a word that refers to women and women’s organizations as much as it refers to men and their groups. It’s about time for women (including myself, of course) to stop feeling like the priesthood doesn’t apply to them. I sincerely hope we get more clarity on this issue. I’m not an expert on the priesthood by any means (far from it, actually), but I hope that women start taking their rightful place, as the article said. Perhaps that can only be achieved when we learn more about how women use the priesthood.

#hearLDSwomen: When I Was Relief Society President, My Bishop Would Never Tell Me Our Budget

[image error]One that comes to mind is when I was called as a Relief Society activity committee person. Every year we asked for a budget and every year it took them months to get back to us. We would submit our budget with $5 per attendee and it would be rejected. Everything we tried we got denied for and was told spend as little as possible. The Young Men would get to do a lot of fun things and we were expected to spend nothing on planning activities for women. Once they told us that we weren’t allowed to buy food for the activities because they shouldn’t be coming just for the food. When Mormons meet, we eat.

– Margaret Beach

 

I had a bishop who wouldn’t give us (the Relief Society presidency) the budget either. Ever. It’s infuriating!

– Alisha Upwall

 

The time as a teen that the Young Women couldn’t get a pizza party when the boys got ward funded scuba lessons.

– Amy H.

 

I was 17. President of my Laurel class. In Bishop Youth Council at the beginning of the year we were discussing building scheduling and budgets. I had previously spent a lengthy time with the Young Women president discussing all the things we wanted to do for the YW. We had a detailed list with what times we wanted the gym and how much we thought everything would cost. She was an incredible leader and was teaching me how to be a leader so I was the one to bring up the scheduling and the budgets. Well, in BYC I started with stating that the YW wanted to have the gym once a month. This was unheard of as the Young Men would spend 10 minutes doing scouty things (if that) and the rest of Wednesday night playing basketball. Every week. The YM president–remember, the adult leader–laughed and said that the YM should ALWAYS have the gym but that we could have it once a quarter. He said it in a joking tone, but his eyes were not joking and he immediately changed the subject. Later I asked about knowing our budget and the YM president smiled at me and changed the subject. I didn’t wait very long to bring it up again. It was important, and the goals we had created for the YW required all the money we could have. Anyway, the YM president then looked at me and said “how much can yarn and knitting needles possibly cost?” Everyone laughed. I ran out of the bishop’s office in tears. My YW president ran after me. She was bawling. She apologized for me being treated so badly. But she also said she was so proud of me for standing up for the YW from the beginning of the meeting. She told me we would go back in with our heads high and ask again. We went back in. The bishop asked if I was ok. I said yes but that I needed answers to my questions and requests. I got the budget number but the gym issue was not discussed. And I was never offered an apology.

– Kristal Norris

 

Pro Tip: Give women leaders the budgetary information they need to run their organizations. Make them a part of the budget decision making process and ensure that there is equity in resources given to Young Men and Young Women.

Click here to read all of the stories in our #hearLDSwomen series. Has anything like this happened to you? Please share in the comments or submit your experience(s) to participate in the series.

“If any man have ears to hear, let him hear.” (Mark 4:23)

Easter for Doubters

Christian holidays after a faith transition can be tricky. Two years ago, I wrote about speaking to my congregation on Easter Sunday. I finally answered my own question about the Resurrection on my short walk to the pulpit to give the day’s sermon. It was an awkward moment of personal discovery. From that moment forward, Jesus hasn’t been the divine person who brings about an eternal salvation, but a radical with a deep understanding of God, who taught others how to be in right relationship with the people around them. The empire-challenging, social justice Jesus is one that I can embrace.

[image error]Photo of an empty tomb in the Pantheon, taken by Hieu Dang.

Since that episode, I have been learning how to interpret scripture through that lens, and this new-to-me Jesus has offered many insights about the nature of God and the value of humanity. But celebrating Christmas and Easter has felt complicated. One of the ways that my congregation of doubters has handled this is to embrace the religious music that goes with the holidays. We have a Sunday night where we sing obscure carols at Christmas and another where we sing the music of Holy Week and Easter.

During our Christmas sing this past year, I realized that the music held space for a divine mystery that still felt important and compelling, even if it no longer pointed to the virgin birth in my mind. We sang our Easter hymns last week and I felt joy at the idea of resurrection, without the need to for it to be literal. In particular, the song “Lord of the Dance” by songwriter Sydney Carter brought to mind the metaphor of the message of Jesus as a dance that continued long after his death. I liked the idea that we are still dancing the way of Jesus thousands of years later, that we are still learning from Jesus’ insights.

Singing the music of these holidays has ultimately become comforting to me, even if the comfort I experience is no longer in the certainty of a Jesus who brings about a heavenly salvation. Rather, the comfort is in existence of questions that I don’t need to have answers to right now. As new questions emerge, I find peace in the depth of a Christianity that can absorb and hold my questions. For right now, it feels like that is enough to make a life of faith.

Letter From a Doubter

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Dear Church Leader,

Allow me to introduce myself:  I’m a millennial, part-time-work-at-home mom of 3 young kids, married in the temple to a returned missionary. Based on the outpouring of messages and firesides directed at my age-group and marital status, I see that I’m in the target demographic for discussions about church activity, faith, doubt and questioning.

As one who lives in the constant company of questions and uncertainty regarding matters of faith, divinity, and salvation, I want to thank you for the recent attempts you’ve made in addressing remarks to those of us who experience doubt. I appreciate your positive intentions in showing concern for me, and my eternal welfare. Like many of my peers, including my single friends, I search, ponder, pray, and struggle on a daily basis. I seek wisdom, wishing for it to be liberally given, without upbraiding.

I’m not sure how many “doubters” you might have consulted in the formation of your talk, so perhaps hearing from one of us might be helpful for how you frame your remarks in the future.

There have been doubters and dissenters since the early days of the Church. I grew up hearing stories about the foolish members who left the church over inconsequential things like milk strippings and misspelled names. Each time, the person was characterized as misguided or rebellious.  As a teen, I giggled over their silliness.

I don’t giggle anymore, because now the stories seem like they’re being told about “foolish” members like me.  The way you have characterized people like me in your remarks is hurting my family.  It’s creating divisions that break my heart and break up my most cherished relationships.

The associated pain I feel with doubting and asking questions is real.  The internal wrestle over my identity, core morals, and beliefs is excruciating and exhausting.  Sometimes in a moment of trust and vulnerability, I might reach out to a loved one or leader for support or advice, hoping that they can take a moment to see my struggle and mourn with me.

Too often I have been rebuffed, usually with a line from your talk used as a weapon against me: “You’re just whacking at moles.  You’re straining at a gnat. You’re picking at the same scab. You’re chipping off the paint. Stay in the boat! Paddy-cake taffy-puller. It’s only a name. It’s only milk. Research is not the answer.”

I realize you may not have had any idea of the damage these types of metaphors can do to my relationships, but nothing good has ever come to me, or the people around me, as a result of words like this. These responses make me feel diminished, not comforted or motivated, as you might intend.  When your remarks model an attitude of dismissal or defensiveness, it trickles down to my own ward and family. When leaders and friends show that they’re not interested in truly listening to me or empathizing with me, but instead minimize or reject my concerns with a metaphorical quip, embarrassment and pain drive my questions deeper into secret and shame.

These weaponized one-liners permeate the talks and lessons at church on Sunday, as people like me are often disparaged, shamed, or made the object of a cautionary tale.  When I sit in classes and listen to people repeat the same mischaracterizations of folks like me that they’ve heard used by church leaders, I inwardly cry, “Is there no balm in Gilead? Is there no physician here?”  When comments like this are made in public church settings, those who doubt in secret may become even more afraid to articulate their questions because of the associated stigma. It turns our suffering inward because it seems as though no one would be able to receive our vulnerability without judgment. It’s anguishing.

My doubts and questions are mine, they are not an attack on anyone else, yet so often people like me are characterized as a threat to others, an evil to be shunned.  These judgmental and inconsiderate attitudes are doing real damage to some of my most important relationships by discouraging me from sharing ideas or feelings with others. When my friends’ views of me are tainted by their judgments of me (according to these metaphors) rather than by the actual thoughts or intent of my heart, loving connections are severed.

But I don’t want this to continue. There is a better way. When considering the language you might use the next time you address individuals who doubt, question, or otherwise don’t always fit in with the mainstream beliefs of the Church, or when talking about us to our friends and family members, here are some examples of responses that perpetuate harm to emotionally vulnerable people in the throes of searching and questioning.  These devices will alienate the people you actually hope to help, and should be avoided:

Dismissal: “Just don’t focus on that. Keep a broader perspective.”

Minimization: “It’s not that big of a deal. It doesn’t happen very often.”

Exception: “That bishop was just one bad apple.”

Mischaracterization: “You’re misguided and foolish. Oh, you’re one of those women.”

Invalidation: “I don’t see your concern as that big of a concern.”

Unsolicited advice: “What you need to do to get over this issue is _________.”

Redirecting: “Just keep praying and reading your scriptures and it will work out.”

Gaslighting: “You must have misunderstood; it couldn’t have happened the way you describe.”

Rejection:“Your beliefs don’t match mine; we can’t be friends anymore.”

Judgment: “What sins have you committed to lead you down this path?”

 

On my difficult days of questioning and doubting, what I need from my family and church leaders is charity and empathy.  Here are some ways I want people to show charity to me:

Recognition: “I can see that this is troubling for you. I’m here to listen and understand.”

Validation: “This must be really difficult. Thank you for sharing with me. I honor your trust in telling me.”

Understanding: “It’s not what I’ve ever experienced, so please tell me more so I can understand how you feel.”

Trust: “Even though this feels really awful right now, I know you have a good heart and a clear mind. I believe in your strength and I will support you.”

Open-Mindedness: “You can tell me anything and I will listen without judgment or give advice unless you ask for it.”

Love: “I love you.” (And mean it)

Belonging: “You are welcome here, no matter what. You always have a place with us, and you can bring your questions and uncertainty.”

These statements show true empathy. When you model this type of loving language for my family and local ward members to hear and follow, it helps keep our relationships strong, no matter what challenges in belief we may undergo.  When others show that they are willing to help me bear my burdens, I no longer have to shroud them in secrecy and shame.

People will always continue to question, even leave the church, and rhetoric like “whack a mole” and “stay in the ship” won’t change that.  Shifting away from using a dismissive or blaming style of language would help everyone. Modeling the language of empathy at all levels will trickle down in the best ways. Our relationships would stay stronger.  Our love would be more poignant and trusting. Our families would be more peaceful.

This recent quote by Elder Soares gives a model of the type of language that will help families and relationships stay strong. We need more of this:

“It is hard to understand all the reasons why some people take another path. The best we can do in these circumstances is just to love and embrace them, pray for their well-being, and seek for the Lord’s help to know what to do and say. Sincerely rejoice with them in their successes; be their friends and look for the good in them. We should never give up on them but preserve our relationships. Never reject or misjudge them. Just love them!” 

 When I look to leaders of the Church for help and healing balm, I’m hoping to see a reflection of the Savior who said, “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.”

 I need that type of peace and rest modeled from my leaders to my family and friends. Please help me keep my family strong. Please share the kinds of words that help us sustain our relationships, no matter what we believe or doubt.

 

Sincerely,

ViolaDiva