Exponent II's Blog, page 284

February Young Women Lesson: How can I find comfort when someone I care about dies?

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This card and others like it are available for purchase at emilymcdowell.com.

For this lesson, I think it’s incredibly useful to know what the experiences of the young women in your class have had in relation to death and grieving.  Have any of them lost a parent, a sibling, a grandparent, a close friend, or somebody else?  Do they have a friend who has lost somebody close to them?  I would begin by asking about their experiences, and then also asking what we know as Latter-day Saints about death.  My guess is that they will bring up eternal families, the resurrection, and that we can complete ordinances for deceased loved ones if they die before completing them in this life.  Write the things they know about death on the board and be prepared to come back to them later in the lesson.

For much of the lesson, I’m using the framework presented in Chapter 13 of Chieko Okazaki’s book, Disciples, about how we can approach death and grieving when someone we love dies, as she gives both a faith-centered and pragmatic approach to how to cope with the death of a loved one.  She writes,

When I lost [my husband], a great source of strength was the knowledge that kept ringing in my heart, “I don’t have to do this by myself.” You don’t have to do it by yourself either – neither death nor illness nor any of the trials that face you. “When ye shall search for me with all your heart,” the Lord told Jeremiah, “Ye shall. . . find me” (Jeremiah 29:13).

Remind the young women that no matter how alone we feel, the Savior is with us as we go through our trials.  Sydney S. Reynolds, counselor in the General Primary Presidency, taught in 2003:

 “Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? I am persuaded, with Paul, that neither tribulation, nor life, nor death, nor any other circumstance shall have the power to separate us from His love.”

Acknowledge to the young women that grief and death are hard.  So often we tell people that “I’m so sorry for your loss, but I know that you’ll be together again in the eternities.”  Encourage the young women to stop before the “but” in that sentence!  President Russell M. Nelson once said,

Irrespective of age, we mourn for those loved and lost. Mourning is one of the deepest expressions of pure love. It is a natural response in complete accord with divine commandment: “Thou shalt live together in love, insomuch that thou shalt weep for the loss of them that die.” (D&C 42:45.)

Have the young women open their scriptures to John, chapter 11, and read verses 1-35.  These verses contain the story of the death of Lazarus, brother to Mary & Martha.  Despite having called for Jesus to come heal Lazarus, Jesus doesn’t come in time, and Lazarus dies, and is four days dead by the time Jesus arrives.  And what does Jesus do, when he sees Mary and others weeping?  He weeps with them (verse 35).  He mourns with those who mourn.  Despite knowing the plan of salvation, and even knowing that He would raise Lazarus from the death, Christ takes the time to mourn and allow them their grief.  We need to recognize that for us, and for others, the emotional reality of what is happening to us.  To quote Sister Okazaki on page 171 of Disciples, “Grieving is a process.  It’s okay to experience that process.  To deny the bitterness of the sorrow is to deny some of the sweetness of the comfort when it comes.”  She later continues,

We need to understand the plan of salvation.  It may not seem very comforting at times of pain and loss to think about the plan of salvation. It may seem too intellectual, too remote, and too theoretical to be very comforting.  But each of us makes sense of our experience in a context.  It is wise and truly comforting to see that context as a purposeful and loving plan – and especially as something we chose.

What do we know about the plan of salvation regarding death?  Refer back to the suggestions on the board from earlier in the lesson.  What about these doctrines can bring us comfort during times of grief?

Read 1 Corinthians 15:22.  Remind the young women that the resurrection is a gift given to all, regardless of righteousness or temple ordinances.  Because Christ completed the Atonement and was resurrected, we will also all be resurrected.  Reading Mosiah 16:7-8 can also reinforce this concept (the sting of death is swallowed up in Christ).  President Uchtdorf also spoke on this, saying,

That is why we are here on this beautiful planet earth—because God offered us the opportunity, and we chose to accept it. Our mortal life, however, is only temporary and will end with the death of our physical body. But the essence of who you and I are will not be destroyed. Our spirits will continue living and await the Resurrection—a free gift to all by our loving Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ. At the Resurrection, our spirits and bodies will be reunited, free from pain and physical imperfections.

This doctrine – of being whole again through the resurrection – can be especially comforting to those who have lost loved ones after painful disease or injury.  Many are comforted by the idea of their loved one being able to walk, talk, eat, and rejoice again without infirmity or ailment hindering them.

As Sister Okazaki said above, sometimes knowing about the Plan of Salvation isn’t enough comfort.  Elder Shayne Bowen describes the pain and sorrow he felt after losing his infant son, Tyson, to a choking accident:

It is impossible to describe the mixture of feelings that I had at that point in my life. Most of the time I felt as if I were in a bad dream and that I would soon wake up and this terrible nightmare would be over. For many nights I didn’t sleep. I often wandered in the night from one room to the other, making sure that our other children were all safe.

Feelings of guilt racked my soul. I felt so guilty. I felt dirty. I was his father; I should have done more to protect him. If only I would have done this or that. Sometimes even today, 22 years later, those feelings begin to creep into my heart, and I need to get rid of them quickly because they can be destructive.

About a month after Tyson died, I had an interview with Elder Dean L. Larsen. He took the time to listen to me, and I will always be grateful for his counsel and love. He said, “I don’t think the Lord would want you to punish yourself for the death of your little boy.” I felt the love of my Heavenly Father through one of his chosen vessels.

However, tormenting thoughts continued to plague me, and I soon began to feel anger. “This isn’t fair! How could God do this to me? Why me? What did I do to deserve this?” I even felt myself get angry with people who were just trying to comfort us. I remember friends saying, “I know how you feel.” I would think to myself, “You have no idea how I feel. Just leave me alone.” I soon found that self-pity can also be very debilitating. I was ashamed of myself for having unkind thoughts about dear friends who were only trying to help.

He then continues,

As I felt the guilt, anger, and self-pity trying to consume me, I prayed that my heart could change. Through very personal sacred experiences, the Lord gave me a new heart, and even though it was still lonely and painful, my whole outlook changed. I was given to know that I had not been robbed but rather that there was a great blessing awaiting me if I would prove faithful.

My life started to change, and I was able to look forward with hope, rather than look backward with despair. I testify that this life is not the end. The spirit world is real. The teachings of the prophets regarding life after death are true. This life is but a transitory step forward on our journey back to our Heavenly Father.

I would emphasize that while our faith in the plan of salvation can eventually help move us past our grief and our anger, it doesn’t usually eliminate it.  Allowing ourselves to grieve is just as important as earnestly pleading with the Lord to heal our hearts and help us integrate our loss.

If we’re not the ones personally experiencing a death of a loved one, how can we help friends and family members navigate the waters of grief and loss?  Joy F. Evans of the General Relief Society Presidency said the following in her 1989 General Conference address:

Helping others through a time of special challenge requires understanding and patience. People respond to grief in different ways. Not everyone recovers in the same period of time, and not everyone acts the same. The griever might be irritable, depressed, quiet, or withdrawn, but through kindness and friendship, he or she will almost always recover and will come to acceptance…Being sensitive to such needs helps everyone find joy in the precious reality of everyday living and look forward with faith to the future, knowing that sorrow and struggle and endurance to the end are necessary parts of mortality.

It is said that love is tested and proved in the fire of suffering and adversity. How sensitive we should be to those who are suffering or hurting, to those with special problems—the sister who has had a miscarriage or a stillbirth, a premature or handicapped child; the one whose beloved husband has died; the lovely woman to whom marriage and family have not yet come; the new convert whose family has rejected her because of her baptism.

What we do or say is not as important as that we do or say something—’I care about you,’ or ‘Let me help.’ Where love is, heart will respond to heart and burdens will be lightened.

We must never feel that we have done our share or had our turn.

Remind the young women that we have covenanted at baptism to mourn with those who mourn and comfort those who stand in need in comfort (Mosiah 18:8-10).  How do we do that?  What can we learn from Jesus’ example in the story of Lazarus?  Jesus didn’t offer platitudes to Mary & Martha.  He didn’t say that he knew exactly how they felt, nor that “everything happens for reason.”  He didn’t allow their grief nor anger scare him away.  He simply sat and wept with them.

We can also learn from the story of Job.  Quoting from a beautiful blog post about Job and mourning on By Common Consent:

Following the devastating destruction of his livelihood and the deaths of his children, Job tears his robe and shaves his head. Falling on the ground, he worshipfully insists that what was the Lord’s always to give must by that same token be the Lord’s to take away. Soon, he is afflicted with painful sores all over his body. Now, he collapses in a pile of ashes, heavy with lamentation and grief.

When Job’s friends hear of their companion’s tragedy they immediately set out to find him and comfort him. Upon seeing him from a distance, covered in scabs and ash, they barely recognize him. Weeping for their friend, they too tear their robes and sit down in the ashes with him. They had come to comfort him, but there were simply no words available to speak his suffering and ease his pain. They sit with him in silent mourning for seven days and seven nights.

Later in the book of Job, his friends’ patience begins to fade as Job experiences affliction after affliction with no sign of wearing thin.  His friends turn to judgment and scorn, thinking Job must have done something to deserve his suffering.  This story provides excellent examples of how to mourn with someone (sit with them, be present) and how not to mourn with someone (judge them, think their mourning/afflictions are self-induced or that their grief is taking too long to resolve).

Being with people while they mourn can be uncomfortable, and we often want to offer words of comfort. I think that there is a time and place for offering words of comfort, but most often, it’s simply most helpful to sit and be present.  Rather than offering explanations, or comparing their experience to one of your own, try to be present and sensitive to the whisperings of the spirit.  Expressing sorrow and condolences (like “I’m so sorry for your loss” and “I care about you”) is generally more helpful than offering platitudes or comparisons (“God must have needed him/her in Heaven more than you needed them here” or “I know exactly how you feel – my hamster died last year and I cried for days”).

Being present while people mourn means that we’re not just present for the immediate aftermath, but also in the days/weeks/months/years that follow.  It also means that we try to lift up and support those who mourn.  How can we do this for our friends and family members?  Have the young women brainstorm ways to support others through their grief.  Examples could include bringing a meal, checking in with friends on important dates or anniversaries, offering to help them with logistics or regular life things (like cleaning, gardening, childcare) that may feel overwhelming, and offering to listen without judgment as they process through their feelings.  Simply being a steady, non-judgmental presence in somebody’s life as they grieve can mean so much.  And even if you don’t know the person well, offering condolences via Facebook, text, a card, flowers, or other culturally appropriate ways can mean so much.  Even though your gesture or words may feel small, they really do mean a lot to those who are grieving.

I would close with a testimony of the Atonement, of Christ healing all wounds.  I would emphasize that part of our doctrine is that God is a loving and merciful God, and that we can have faith in the plan of salvation while also allowing ourselves to experience grief and sadness.  Remind the young women of their covenant responsibilities to mourn with those who mourn, and that empathy is a characteristic that we can cultivate and increase.

**********

Other resources on The Exponent:

The posts found in the “Mormons and Death” series, especially this Guide to Giving Comfort post (and the comments!).

Grief Lessons, in which Deborah lists what did (and didn’t) help her through a time of grief

Telling the Story of Grief, in which Julie talks about the grief that’s unique to being single in the LDS church

Little Black/White Lie

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Humans use story to understand and make meaning of their existence. Sometimes life happens in a way that shakes your foundational paradigms and they crumble, as mine did. As a Mormon child, the theoretical framework by which I understood my world was very black/white. I came by this honestly, as weekly indoctrination had taught this both implicitly and explicitly.

This talk by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland demonstrates the worldview I am talking about: 

“Either the Book of Mormon is what the Prophet Joseph said it is or this Church and its founder are false, fraudulent, a deception from the first instance onward. Either Joseph Smith was the prophet he said he was, who, after seeing the Father and the Son, later beheld the angel Moroni, repeatedly heard counsel from his lips, eventually receiving at his hands a set of ancient gold plates which he then translated according to the gift and power of God—or else he did not. And if he did not . . . he is not entitled to retain even the reputation of New England folk hero or well-meaning young man or writer of remarkable fiction. No, and he is not entitled to be considered a great teacher or a quintessential American prophet or the creator of great wisdom literature. If he lied about the coming forth of the Book of Mormon, he is certainly none of those. I am suggesting that we make exactly that same kind of do-or-die, bold assertion about the restoration of the gospel of Jesus Christ and the divine origins of the Book of Mormon. We have to. Reason and rightness require it. Accept Joseph Smith as a prophet and the book as the miraculously revealed and revered word of the Lord it is or else consign both man and book to Hades for the devastating deception of it all, but let’s not have any bizarre middle ground about the wonderful contours of a young boy’s imagination or his remarkable facility for turning a literary phrase. That is an unacceptable position to take—morally, literarily, historically, or theologically.” (June 1996 Ensign)

This worldview which I internalized is a setup for faith crisis and collapse of epic proportions. Why? It basically says that if any aspect of church history doesn’t turn out to be just as we were taught it was then we should abandon the whole religion altogether.

Do you think I’m being extreme? I wish I were! President Gordon B. Hinckley said: “Each of us has to face the matter — either the Church is true, or it is a fraud. There is no middle ground. It is the church and kingdom of God, or it is nothing.” (May 2003 Ensign) And guess what? Church history is absolutely not the rosy whitewashed picture we were all taught. In the internet age we are learning there are a lot of questionable aspects of Joseph Smith’s story. For example, he was indeed a treasure-digger who sought buried Indian gold with a seer stone in a hat (which he then later used to translate the Book of Mormon). There are 9 differing versions of the first vision story, and they do not give a cohesive narrative ‒ his reason for inquiry was different, those who answered him were different, and what they said to him was different. The Book of Mormon seems to be a product of Joseph Smith’s time period with 0 archaeological evidence of its historicity. Joseph Smith had himself married plurally to 35 women (give or take), several of whom were teens, and several who were already married to other men (Gospel Topics Plural Marriage in Kirtland and Nauvoo); and caused a deep rift in his marriage with Emma Hale. There so many dark and troubling aspects of church history ‒ massacres at Mountain Meadows and Circleville, the teaching of blood atonement and Adam-God doctrine, the Book of Abraham, and the acceptance of the Salamander letter. If we insist on the entire narrative being true, or none of it, people are left with nowhere to turn if small pieces crumble. The black/white, good/bad, true/false narrative is a setup for failure. The worldview they were taught tells them, “If every piece isn’t true, then none of it is.”

Please, dear Brethren, do not set us up with an all or nothing paradigm any more. You are driving people away. You have taught them that if there are any problems in church history that the entire thing has no value whatsoever. If there is anything I know now, it is that this is a false dichotomy. When you set us up that there are only choices A and B, one of which is all good and the other all bad then no amount of inoculation can really help. But people can be innovative and creative when they feel freedom to choose, inventing options C-Z.

Life is complex, morality complicated. Black and white thinking makes us lazy agents, remaining children morally by ceding all important moral decisions and thinking to some vague hierarchical power structure. When we give our agency away, we lose touch with our moral authority and become more judgemental of ourselves and others as we try to reinforce the rules rather than deal with the complex nuances of all the shades of color in our world. I support people in clinging to the good in our tradition, and in letting the bad go. The middle road in Mormonism is not easy and Elder Holland was mistaken in saying this was an unacceptable position. If that is the only position that works for you, it is okay. There are more colors than black and white in this faith journey, if you are not colorblind feel free to embrace them and find your way with God. “May we ever choose the harder right instead of the easier wrong.” – Thomas S. Monson (Apr 2016 Ensign)

Female Grooming Mandates That Aren’t That Hard

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Photo by John Nyberg

Pantyhose

It’s a strange kind of clothing that is completely see-through, offers no protection whatsoever from the elements, and breaks when you wear it. Pantyhose break when washed, too, if you throw them in the washing machine with the rest of the laundry. The few pairs I own that haven’t fallen apart yet are often unavailable to me because I don’t have time for hand washing. Wearing hose in cold weather is useless; in hot weather, they get sticky and cause infection.

Skirts

Skirts ride up when I carry a toddler on my hip, and aforementioned toddler likes to yank on the skirt or run under it. Skirt-wearing complicates all sorts of otherwise simple human motions: bending over, running, sitting cross-legged. Wearing a skirt precludes commuting by bike; biking in a skirt is possible—I did it as a missionary—but it is dangerous, messy and immodest.

Lipstick

Almost every lipstick I buy, regardless of the color it claims to be, eventually morphs into a garish shade of fuchsia on my lips. I’ve researched this and it has something to do with my body chemistry. It doesn’t happen right when I put it on, so I can’t tell if a lipstick will work for me simply be trying it on at the make-up counter. It often takes several purchases before I find one that works. Even for women who are blessed with less fuchsia lips than mine, lipstick can be expensive. And it has to be reapplied after eating, drinking, kissing, perspiring or just breathing too much.

High Heels

I can’t think of any downside to walking—or better yet, running to catch a bus in the rain on a cobblestone sidewalk—while wearing little stilts on my feet, so I’ll stop here.

Wear a little lipstick, we’ve been told. It’s not that hard.  I wonder how the man who said that knew; had he tried wearing lipstick?

I have, and I can bear testimony that wearing lipstick is not that hard. Neither is wearing pantyhose, skirts, or heels. At least, not in comparison to climbing Mount Everest or curing cancer. In spite of the drawbacks, I often do wear such things.

But it’s not as easy as a man who has never worn any of these things might assume.

I have certainly never worn a skirt for bike-riding since my mission. I marvel that the LDS missionary program, which seems so obsessed with safety in most matters, still requires most women to wear skirts even while biking, in spite of the hazards of biking in a skirt.  Recently, the church relaxed its dress code to allow sister missionaries to (usually) comply with health officials’ recommendations to wear pants during mosquito-borne illness outbreaks but still requires them to risk it in a skirt at least once a week. Maybe it’s not that hard, but it’s not that safe, either.

Welcome changes have come to the church’s dress codes for paid female employees, removing the pantyhose mandate in 2011 and as of a few weeks ago,  allowing women to wear pants to work.  Female worshippers could  enter Mormon temples wearing pants beginning in 2010.  In response to Wear Pants To Church Day in 2013, a church spokesperson stated, “Generally Church members are encouraged to wear their best clothing as a sign of respect for the Savior, but we don’t counsel people beyond that.”  However, some local bishops continue to chastise women who attend church wearing pants.

Sexist dress codes have never been unique to Mormons. For example, workplaces that require women to wear high heels have been in the news of late in the United Kingdom. When announcing the new LDS church employee dress code, Elder Quentin L. Cook said, “I would hope that Latter-day Saints would be at the forefront in creating an environment in the workplace that is more receptive and accommodating to both men and women.” *

I hope that going forward, we will be. Regardless of how hard female-specific grooming mandates are or aren’t, let’s not create an extra burden on women—and only on women—through sexist dress codes or by preaching prettiness standards over the pulpit.

 

 

* In contrast to many of his predecessors,  Elder Cook’s  General Conference talks indicate that he is concerned about making workplaces woman-friendly and making the church less judgemental toward working women.  Establishing a  more equitable dress code, even if it is too late to be at the forefront, demonstrates his sincerity.  Moreover, the most recent dress code change was accompanied by an announcement that the church would begin offering paid parental leave, which is progressive in the United States, where the LDS church is headquartered.  Only 12% of American employees have access to paid parental leave.

 

 

Like Magic

[image error]I have held several callings: Nursery teacher, Primary Presidency member, and Primary chorister—in which I was responsible for conducting singing time with the toddlers in the Nursery. As far as tasks go, this is a pretty nice one. Singing songs with babies is quite fun. Even so, it has its challenges.

Nursery kids love movement songs like “Do as I’m Doing” and “The Wise Man and the Foolish Man” but songs that are more reverent in style can be a tougher sell. Anything longer than “Jesus Said Love Everyone” and “Kindness Begins with Me” might outlast their attention spans.

At home, I would usually sing songs to my kids like “Heavenly Father Loves Me,” “I am Like a Star” and “Jesus Once was a Little Child” in a rocking chair, but I can’t rock a dozen toddlers at once.

I have found an inexpensive solution that adds the toddler-pleasing element of motion to slower songs. I have made simple wands using materials I already had at home: duct tape, ribbons (mostly saved from Christmas and birthday gift wrappings) and popsicle sticks. (Yes—they were used too. I sanitized them—I promise.)

The wands work like magic. I start singing time with more upbeat songs with hand and body motions, and then pass out the wands for the slower songs. Even kids who are not yet verbal enough to do much singing enjoy waving their wands to the music and watching the ribbons glide through the air.

There is one caution when working with wands. Every now and then, a mischievous toddler realizes how fun it is to swish their neighbor with the ribbon. They never do any damage—ribbons are not very effective as weapons—but even so, it irritates the targeted neighbor and distracts virtually everyone.

To lessen the odds that this will happen, as I pass out the wands, I ask the kids if they remember the rule for the wands.

“No touching other people!” they all shout. (At least, all of the ones who are verbal.)

And they usually follow the rule. When they don’t, I have found that the best strategy is to skip wand time the next week, before breaking the rule becomes a pattern.

The kids always notice when I skip the wands and they are not pleased. “You forgot the wands! Where are the wands?” they cry in despair.

But the next week, when the wands come out again, all is forgiven. And more importantly, that little experiment with naughty wand behavior is forgotten, and the wands work like magic again.

The Transcendent and the Ordinary

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Photo by Michael W. May titled “Impressions through a dirty window”

 

 

My Home is a Temple

My home is a temple

With pinnacles of dirty dishes

And large glass windows stained

With fingerprints and water marks.

As the priestess of this sanctuary

I offer up our soiled laundry

At the altar of the washing machine.

It emerges transformed.

Each morning I prepare

A sacrament of coffee and toast

So that we might celebrate

The preciousness of life.

We are all in need of sustenance and caffeine

To smooth over our natural and cranky state.

My home is a temple

To the everyday

Where we ritualize the necessary

And always remember that the

Common

Ordinary

Mundane

Are also the

Sacred

Meaningful

Mystical.

Amen.

I wrote this poem in response to the On Being blog post by Christena Cleveland. I am guilty of desiring the transcendent instead of celebrating the ordinary, in the false belief that God resides beyond the everydayness of our lives. I had not considered the broader implications of such a belief, that the ability to escape from the ordinary is a privilege. I am working to create a shift in my own thinking.

Where in your everyday life do you find holiness? What kinds of daily actions do you consider to be sacred rituals?