Helene Lerner's Blog, page 132

Why You Need to Say "No"

To understand why you need to say no more often, you first have to understand why you say yes too often.

I mean the “yes” that you either regret five minutes later and it’s either too late or you feel too guilty to change your mind. It’s the “yes” where you end up taking care of other people, working too late, or not leaving time for your own priorities, then feeling overwhelmed and even resentful.

Don’t blame the people who asked for your help, take responsibility. As long as you keep saying yes, they’ll keep asking you.

Use positive self-talk and remind yourself that you  can say “No.”
 
If you’re saying yes to giving away your time and neglecting your own career advancement, you’re giving away the money you would be earning if you got that promotion. You won’t get that promotion or visibility if you give away the time you could be spending on taking care of you.

You get to decide where you want to invest your time. You get to decide where you want to volunteer, and you get to decide what is most important to you.

-Simma Lieberman, "The Inclusionist"
Career Coach
www.simmalieberman.com

How to be Authentic Professionally

How can I be my authentic self at work? I feel pressured to conform. It depends on how you define authenticity and conformity.

If you define authenticity as dressing any way you want, not interacting with other employees because you want to be left alone, no you can’t be authentic.

If you define authenticity as living your values at work and being in alignment with the mission of the organization, you can. You need to be able to articulate what is most important to you, ways in which you are willing to adapt and ways in which you are not.

If you are a manager with a consensus based style and are told, “You don’t have to collaborate as much – take charge,” you will be miserable if you try to change. In that case you will want to find a job with a company that believes in taking feedback  from employees.

You can be your authentic self as long as you can do the work, live your values and your passion, and join the company that best fits you.

-Simma Lieberman, "The Inclusionist"
Career Coach
www.simmalieberman.com

Celebrate These Rising Leaders

Yesterday, I participated in an event on Executive Presence for TD Bank.  It was such fun, we held it at ABC in the studio where Kelly and Michael tape each morning.

Linda Verba, an amazing senior TD leader is a dynamo. She started the event in an energized way, where she and all the "rising stars" in the audience were either dancing or clapping along. It was a celebration for the women in the tri-state New York area.

Linda introduced Liz Cho, a local ABC anchor who gave some remarks, and then I addressed the group. I moderated a dynamic panel of three of their senior women consisting of Linda Verba, Linda McGuigan, and Zenobia Littlejohn.  Allen Nossen who is responsible for the region addressed the group too.

I did one of my special book signings--I love that part of an event. It gives me a chance to be with the women, one to one.

TB Bank, we are thrilled that you are in the Big Apple now!

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What to do if You Don't Get Enough Sleep

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We spoke with sleep expert Dr. Russell Sanna about the importance of getting enough shut-eye. Here are his suggestions.

What is the proper amount of sleep for a woman? Does that vary with age?

Adult women should get between six and eight hours nightly – the precise number varies by individual.  One way to find out is to stop setting your alarm clock for a week.  Keep a log of when you go to bed and when you wake up.  By the end of the week, you should have a clear idea of how much sleep is right for you.

As women and men age, they tend to go to bed earlier, wake earlier, and wake up more frequently during the night. When it comes to trouble sleeping, women tend to have more difficulty falling asleep, though men are more likely to feel sleepy during the day.

If you don’t get enough sleep on a regular basis, what does that do to the body and the way you function?

Long-term sleep loss and sleep disorders have been associated with hypertension, diabetes, obesity, depression, heart attack and stroke.  Sleep deprivation also leads to impaired cognitive performance that can show up as irritability, poor judgment and risky safety behavior, e.g., drowsy driving.

How is stress related to insomnia?

Insomnia is the most commonly reported sleep problem. It includes having trouble falling asleep, waking up frequently and not sleeping long enough. It has been correlated with increased stress -- when adults suffer from insomnia, they experience heightened levels of stress hormones for a 24-hour period.

What are some things we can do to ensure we get enough sleep?

Maintain a consistent schedule – this is key. Don’t look at screens for one hour prior to going to bed as the blue light sends alerting signals to your brain.  Eliminate caffeine after mid-afternoon.  Make sure your sleep environment is cool and dark.

Self-Care Boot Camp 101

“You will be with you longer than anyone else on the planet. You might as well make it a good relationship.” ~Louise Hay

We talked with coach and author Cheryl Richardson about using self-care to combat the inner critic. Here’s what she had to say.

Many women struggle with self-criticism. What is it that makes us so hard on ourselves?

The negative voices in our head reflect our parents and the people who influenced us growing up. When those voices of authority deliver messages to us as children, sometimes they get stored in the subconscious. Then as adults, we replay them. A high percentage of the decisions we make are based on that. It’s where the inner critic comes from.

I’ll use myself as an example. As a woman who’s running a company and traveling around the world, speaking, teaching and writing -- still, when my husband offhandedly says, “There’s nothing good to eat in the house,” the tape starts to run in my head. The inner critic says, “I didn’t go to the grocery store. I don’t cook enough. I’m such a terrible wife.” That critical voice is very old. If we go back multiple generations, we were raised by women whose job it was to keep the home fires burning. So those voices are telling us we’re not measuring up (to a century ago!).

What are some of the common ways women criticize themselves?

One is the challenge of juggling conflicting priorities. For example, a woman who’s trying to build her career and be a good mother. Let’s say you’re in a meeting that’s going long. You look at the clock and realize you have to leave in five minutes to pick up your daughter. The inner critic will say, “You’re incompetent. You’re incapable of doing both things.” It’s telling us we should be able to balance them more easily and we start “shoulding” all over ourselves.

Another is the feeling that we’re not good at what we do, even when we’ve achieved great success. Say your boss is upset and calls one of your coworkers into her office, then shuts the door. Your first thought might be, “They’re talking about me. They’ve finally found out I’m a fraud.” I’ll never forget one time the leader of a $500 million-dollar company said to me, “There are days when I wake up and think, ‘When are they going to realize I don’t know what I’m doing?’”

As women, we often criticize ourselves about our physical appearance, as well. Most of us have looked in the mirror many times and thought, “I should really think about a face lift.”

What can we do to counter the inner critic?

Embrace it. Contrary to what many believe, trying to eradicate it actually does the opposite – empowers it.

There are apps that can help you with this. I use one called Tell Me Later, which allows you to schedule and send texts to yourself. I program affirmations throughout the day. You can also store a photo of yourself as a young girl on your phone and look at it when you notice the negative voices.

What’s the first step that busy women can take toward being less critical of themselves?

Find one small, consistent thing you can do for yourself – and don’t feel guilty about not doing more. In April, I decided to start exercising every day and to make it fun. I wanted to walk so I could be outside and enjoy nature. But my inner critic told me I had to go to the gym for a more strenuous workout. I began walking, anyway.  I started with 30 minutes, then 45 and eventually I was jogging 75% of the way.

It’s important to recognize, too, that when you want to make a big change, you don’t have to do it all at once.

How can countering the inner critic help us at work?

I once had a conversation with a CEO and I could tell from what he said to me that the problems his organization was having reflected the problems he was having internally. Organizations reflect the qualities of their leaders.

At all levels, the critical voice prevents us form stepping up. But when we rise above it, we can claim our power and put it to use in the world.

Why You Need to Find Courage to Take Risks Today

Overcoming the fear of failure and taking a risk can be challenging. Here are some tips we could all read again.

If you want to make big moves in life, you have to take risks. But tossing familiarity aside and thinking outside the box can be difficult, and even scary. Yet, it is critical because this is often the only way to reach your career goals. Taking bold and decisive action at the right moment may be what separates you from living the life you want or one that is less than what you dream. Prepare to walk away from the security of the known and into the insecurity of the unknown – you might just find your happiness waiting for you there. 

Start small before you dream big. Risks are not “one size fits all” affairs. If you are not accustomed to taking any risks at all, then even a small risk may seem huge. First, think about what the risk is you are contemplating, and then measure that risk against reality. Will your business or livelihood go down the drain if you fail? Or is the risk in question a minor move? Understanding the difference can go a long way toward helping you decide just how cautious you need to be. The greater the potential downside of failure, the greater your preparation must be. Period. 

Discover your motivation. Finding the courage to make a big move often comes down to motivation. If you lack the courage to take the steps on your own, then you need to step back and consider what motivates you. Fully understanding what it is will help you look at the task ahead of you in a new light – whether it’s money, time with your family, a better job title, or a new corner office, there’s always a carrot dangling in front of you prompting you to take that risk. 

Know the consequences of inaction. You’ve weighed the pros and cons of taking your risk, but have you weighed the pros and cons of not taking it? The repercussions of not taking a bold stance are often more emotionally taxing than anything that could occur from unsuccessfully stepping outside of your comfort zone. If you take the risk, you can learn from your mistakes – if you don’t, you will spend the rest of your life wondering “what if?” Don’t become a victim – take action. 

Plan like crazy. Courage is all about confidence, and confidence is all about preparation. Once you know what the risk is that you need to take, plan out your next few steps. Figure out who you need to contact, skills you need to sharpen, classes you need to attend, etc. While these measures don’t guarantee success, they do guarantee you will approach your new venture with excitement. 

–Dr. Madeline Lewis, Career Coach 

 

How to Deal with Coworkers Who Are Overly Negative

At some point, we all encounter a coworker who is critical or negative. Here’s what to do.

First, don’t listen to or internalize their criticism. When someone is toxic towards you, detach. Don’t give them any of your energy or take in any of theirs.

If you must interact with them, and they say or do something that is sapping your energy, then just ask them why they are making a particular statement or behaving a certain way. Make them accountable for their language and behavior.

Also, identify the specific ways in which they are toxic. Do they behave that way with everyone – or just you?

If it’s just you, determine whether you play a role in the dynamic.  You have no control over their behavior. When working or speaking with them, stay focused on your job. Do not allow for any personal attacks or complaining. If he or she persists then address that directly. Once the work conversation is done, disengage.

-Simma Lieberman, "The Inclusionist"
Career Coach
www.simmalieberman.com

Why You Need to Start Bragging

Many of us are taught that bragging is impolite and even a sign of arrogance. But that's not always true! It's important to take pride in your accomplishments and share your success with others. Here are some tips:

Say, “Thank you.” Imagine you just won an Academy Award. If you reach a big goal at work, send an email around the office thanking your team for their contributions. That way, you're letting others know about your achievement and crediting your team, as well.

Elevator chat. Bring it up during small talk. If a coworker mentions that she needs help with public speaking, let her know about your recent successful talk and ask her if she’d like some advice.

Work the status updates. It's simple but effective. Tell your community by cheerfully posting about it on Facebook and Twitter. Social media is all about putting yourself in the spotlight, so you don't need to feel self-conscious about tooting your horn.

Make it about the work. If you feel awkward promoting yourself, talk first about how much you enjoy your work – then explain that your success comes as a result of your commitment to something you care about.

-Sarah Cooke

How to Combat Clutter During the Holidays

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Staying organized can be a challenge -- especially with the holidays coming up! Here's one of our popular blogs that has some helpful suggestions.

Sharon Lowenheim knows a lot about organization. The self-proclaimed “Organizing Goddess” has been fighting clutter since 2006, when after 25 years in corporate America she decided she needed a change. “I wanted to do something that would make me want to get out of bed every morning,” she says. “Many of my friends were on their second or third careers and I was still on my first—I wondered if there was a second chapter for me.”

Her passion, Sharon realized, was in creating order of out chaos. She accepted a severance package from her company, and the next day was at a street fair with a sign that read, “Don’t stress the mess!” to sign clients up for her new career as a professional organizer. Since then, Sharon has been featured in Better Homes and Gardens and Cosmopolitan, and below she shares her top tips to transform you into an organizing goddess, too.

Simplify your schedule. Take a look at what you take on during the holiday season and ask yourself, “Is this a tradition that I really enjoy and want to continue, or am I not into doing this and would everyone be happier if we just stopped?” You will cut down on decorations and baking, and save yourself from events that cause too much stress.

Shop smart. Don’t give physical gifts, give experiences. It will be a much more enjoyable and everlasting memory. Grab a pair of theatre tickets or invite a friend to dinner. If you do need to purchase something, try to find it online. You will avoid the stress of packed stores and limit compulsive shopping habits.

Let go. When you start clearing out your closet for next year, figure out what should stay and what should go. Let’s pretend we’re packing for a journey—this journey will start today and last for the rest of your life. What is in this apartment that you will need to make it until then? Keep the things you use every day, as well as a few things that you love—letters from a family member, a gift from a friend—and toss, donate or sell the rest.

Build up. If you’re in a city, your rooms are small and storage space is limited. Think vertically. Go as high as the ceiling lets you. Install shelves to make use of wall space, and invest in storage structures from the Container Store to maximize closet space.

Make a system. Remember that important paper you put in a special place so you would not lose it, only to never see it again? Every paper you need should have a home, and if it doesn’t, make one. Invest in a filing cabinet, and be sure to clean it out yearly. People are afraid to get rid of things, but if you get rid of what you don’t need, then the things you do need are easier to find.

–Lindsay Putnam

How to Deal with a Toxic Boss

Does it seem like nothing you do is good enough for your boss? How do you know she feels that way? Rather than conjecture, assess her objective behavior.

Is she constantly criticizing you? Whether there is validity to the criticism or not, a good manager knows how to give constructive feedback, recognize results, and help employees do better.

Start documenting disparaging comments your boss makes, as well as the positive results from your work. Set up a meeting with your boss and show her what you’ve documented.

In the meeting, get clarity on what she considers excellent work, what she expects of you, and whether her expectations are realistic. Determine where you have a responsibility to take action if any is needed.

Let your boss know what you need in order to do your best work. Continue to document every interaction.

If nothing changes and you see that she has the same issue with your coworkers, then you need to decide if you will raise it again with your boss, discuss it with someone at a higher level or start sending out resumes.

-Simma Lieberman, "The Inclusionist"
Career Coach
www.simmalieberman.com