Helene Lerner's Blog, page 135

Keep Your Cool Around Overly Stressed Coworkers Today

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When those around you are stressed, their anxiety often rubs off. Here's how to stay cool and collected:

Empathize, don’t internalize. When a friend or coworker is feeling stressed, your first reaction may be to empathize and try to make them feel better. Let them know you’re there for them and ask if there’s anything you can do – but know that you don’t have to share their stress to be supportive.

Recognize false pressure. If your manager is feeling particularly stressed out, she may put undue pressure on you to make a deadline. It’s easy to allow those kinds of demands to take a toll. But ask yourself if you’re on target to meet your goals and if you’re performing your job well. If the answer is yes, then pay no mind.

Vaccinate yourself. Since emotions are "catching," it’s important to take precautionary measures when you know you’re going to be around someone who always seems stressed. Take a moment to consciously remind yourself that whatever is causing that person’s overwhelm has nothing to do with you.

-Sarah Cooke

Be Proud of What You Do

I have a friend who is a manager in a very large company, has a PhD, and too many certifications in his field to mention. However, ten years ago, he was downsized from a previous company and he eventually found himself working for minimum wage for over a year as a sales associate in a retail store.

I was talking to him a month ago and found out that during his “detour,” he learned a great deal about himself, customer service and maintaining a positive attitude. He said some of the most difficult experiences during that time were talking to family, friends and neighbors who seemed to be embarrassed for him as he was having to do work he was obviously overqualified for.
 
We live in a culture that "ranks" jobs, positions and titles. We believe that a prestigious degree or a title means your work is important.  But the truth is, all work is important and fills a vital need. Even a brain surgeon can't do his or her work if the hospital is not clean, orderly and stocked.

We can all be (and should be) proud of what we do. We all play a vital role and if we don't respect what we do and take pride in it, something is going to suffer. To be proud of what you do, here are three things to keep in mind:

Every job role has intrinsic value. The fact that some jobs are more difficult doesn't lessen the need for or the value of less difficult ones. As a popular Zen proverb states, “Before enlightenment; chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment; chop wood, carry water.” Any work that we do has value and is worthy of great respect.

Be your own “Employee Recognition Department." My mother was both a waitress and a home health care aid in her forties and fifties. She took pride in both jobs and talked about the importance of her work and how well she did it. I learned from my mother that it's great when others recognize us for what we do—but it's vital that we give that recognition to ourselves.

Work on yourself, not just your job. There's nothing wrong with recognizing we have more talent or ambition than our current job demands, if that's the case. However, there is something wrong when we think we're “above” that job and there's nothing more for us to learn. If we bring our best self to work each day, eventually, someone is going to see that and give us more responsibility and opportunity.

-Alan Allard, Leadership Coach/Life Coach
www.alanallard.com

Pain is the Touchstone to Growth

I heard Wayne Dyer speak this weekend. Over the past few years he has undergone several health challenges.  The most recent is terrible back and neck pain. He thinks this is because his body was out of alignment for most of his life.

He talked about how everything that happens in life--the good and the bad--is for our soul's growth. He knows that this pain is there to teach him something.

I too believe that life's struggles can be seen as "gifts" if we use them to grow through challenging experiences.

 

4 Sure-Fire Tips on Following Through

When you first begin working towards a goal, you probably feel enthusiastic. But there are bound to be snags along the way. Here’s how to keep fear and frustration from derailing your plans:

Prioritize your goals. Don’t pursue too may goals at once, as that can lead to burnout. If you want to both launch a business and exercise more – your priority is probably the business. So don’t beat yourself up if you don’t have time to add a half hour to your workout routine while it’s getting off the ground.

Congratulate yourself. We all know the importance of having a concrete plan with clear milestones. But milestones are useless if we let them pass by without acknowledging their significance. Take time to reward yourself for your progress. Owning your successes – even small ones -- will give you motivation to keep at it.

Make frustration part of the plan. No stretch goal comes easily. Anticipate feeling stressed and discouraged. That way, when it happens, you won’t be taken off guard.

Accept boredom. You might think that being passionate about a goal means you’ll also be passionate about the day-to-day work it takes to get there. But it’s ok to feel bored with your routine at times – just don’t let that turn you away from your goal.

-Sarah Cooke

Female Bonds that Empower Create Success

Here's a clip from one of our favorite shows. Actor Jamie Lee Curtis and Kym Ward Gaffery weigh in about the power of female friendships.

Tried and True Ways to Be Decisive Today

You’re stuck between two options and, even though you’ve weighed all the positives and negatives many times, you feel incapable of making a decision. We’ve all been there. Here are a few useful tips to help you make a choice and move forward:

Ditch the pro-con list. When we don’t trust our ability to make a smart decision, we often over-analyze. Pro-con lists can sometimes be useful, but if they’re not helping, listen to your intuition instead – it’s usually right. And if it’s not, you’ll have an opportunity to grow from your misstep.

Don’t look for the “best” option. Maybe you’re deciding between staying at your current job and looking for something new – and you can’t figure out which would be more fulfilling. It’s easy to agonize over making the “perfect” choice. But one choice isn’t objectively better than the other – it’s just different. Take an action.

Commit. It may seem like you have more freedom before you’ve made a choice than you do once you’re committed to one. But actually, the limbo of indecision is more paralyzing than sticking with any decision you might make.

Set the clock. If you don’t give yourself a deadline, your indecision can go on indefinitely. The ticking clock will help you cut through the confusion, make a decision and move on.

-Sarah Cooke

Get the Results You Want with Positive Change

Marshall Goldsmith is an executive coach to CEO's and senior leaders in the business of “helping successful leaders become better.” Interestingly enough, he says it doesn't matter if he's working with a leader who is self-destructing or with one who is flying high—he gives them all the same advice—and he wrote a book to get his message across called, What Got You Here Won't Get You There.
 
Intuitively, we know Marshall's message is true. Whether you want to get ahead at work, start our own business, lose that weight, or rekindle a withering relationship, we know that to get different results we have to change things up a bit. We also know that just wanting to change doesn't cut it, so what does?
 
Here are three keys to making change happen:

Be honest with yourself: We have a tendency to rate ourselves higher than what the evidence suggests. We want to believe we listen more than we talk, we tend to think we are more generous than our actual behaviors show and everyone thinks they're an above average driver.

Coaching Assignment: Seek out candid feedback and see where you need to improve.

Acknowledge yourself: While we may have an inflated perception of our skills, it’s often because we need to think those things about ourselves to feel valuable. We think that the solution to doing better is to be harder on ourselves—when what we really need is support and unconditional love.

Coaching Assignment: How would you assess your best friend if they were in the same situation you find yourself in? Apply that to self.

Get a change partner: I ask all of my coaching clients to ask someone to be their “change partner.” This is the person that knows what our change goals are and can give us the feedback we need. They can also give us support and encouragement.

Coaching Assignment: Choose your change partner carefully. He or she needs to be someone you trust and respect because   you won't always like what you hear!

-Alan Allard, Leadership Coach/Life Coach
www.alanallard.com

What You Can do Now to Defeat Burnout

[image error]With busy work schedules and responsibilities outside the office, it’s not surprising that many of us experience burnout. Here are some tips on how to handle it:

Get more engaged. You might think that burnout is the result of doing too much – but it may actually be the result of not doing enough of the right things. If you’re worn out at the end of the day, it’s tempting to crash in front of the TV. But taking a little of that time to volunteer, pursue a creative hobby or call a friend can leave you feeling energized.

Be proactive. Burnout isn’t just about feeling exhausted. It’s also about having a disempowering mindset – feeling like you’re incapable of creating the life you want. Take concrete steps forward. If you’ve outgrown your job, send out applications, update your resume, or take training classes.

Don’t give out of guilt. You may become overwhelmed if you feel obligated to do everything your friends and coworkers ask of you. But you don’t have to – no is a complete sentence.

-Sarah Cooke

3 Inspiring Truths to Help You Through Hard Times

I was browsing the psychology section of a bookstore in 1978 when The Road Less Traveled first hit the shelves. Intrigued by the title, I opened it and read the first line: “Life is difficult.” My immediate reaction was, “This guy knows what he's talking about”--so naturally, I bought the book and it's in my library today.

In 1978, Dr. Peck's statement that “Life is difficult” struck a chord with me—but later in life, I began to see things differently. As a psychotherapist, I had a “backstage pass” into the private details of my clients' lives. I learned from them that in the most challenging times of our lives, we can either intensify our pain or lessen it. We can even use it to transform ourselves from the inside out.

The belief that “Life is difficult” only makes the road we're traveling longer, darker and more difficult to navigate. It's not that life can't be painful and overwhelming at times—but that's exactly when we need to be aware of what our deepest beliefs about life are and make sure they are helping us, not hurting us.

Here are three beliefs to consider when you are feeling the heat from life:

“I am not alone.” You're not on your own if you let others in. It doesn't matter how smart, strong or competent we are; we need each other. Especially when life throws us a curve ball.


 “I am more powerful than I know.” There are times in life when we might feel like giving up—we feel anything but powerful. I've been there and know that firsthand. That's when I needed to realize how strong I really was.


 “I can use this to transform myself and my life.” We have countless examples of this truth, from Helen Keller to Nelson Mandela to sixteen-year-old Malala Yousafzai.

 

-Alan Allard, Leadership Coach/Life Coach
www.alanallard.com

3 Powerful Ways to Reverse Guilt

You probably know how destructive guilt can be. It often causes us to ignore our needs while constantly putting others first. That can lead to stress and burnout. But you can use guilt as a productive tool to help you grow and move forward. Here’s how:

Turn it on its head. Anytime you feel guilty about turning down a dinner invitation with a friend or taking time for a massage, use this as a red flag that reminds you it’s important to put your self-care first.

Go deeper. Guilt can be a sign of underlying emotional issues that need addressing – like being a people-pleaser, feeling inadequate or unaccepted or being a perfectionist. It can be a window into significant personal growth.

Use it to help you change. If you feel guilty because you’ve been working late nights all month and your family is not getting enough of your time, for example, it could be a sign that you need to shift your priorities.

-Sarah Cooke