Helene Lerner's Blog, page 136

Everyday Tips on Decreasing Your Stress Load

Here's a popular blog that's timeless. We can all use these insights.

Tongue-tied or talking too much? On edge or downright outraged – often at inappropriate times? Most likely the cause is stress. A certain amount of stress is good; it’s a challenge and a motivator. But we’re here to say enough is enough! Too much can lead to dangerous emotional and physical imbalances – which is why you need stress breakers to overcome the tough moments and open the possibilities for positivity. 

Vent your anger. Ventilate your wrath by writing about it. Don’t organize or analyze your thoughts, just write until you have nothing more to say to the maddening person or about the irritating situation. You’ll know when you’ve said enough because you’ll feel lighter and released. The act of writing is a process which literally lets the emotion flow from your body through your pen, down and out onto the paper. It can also clear the air of the smoke and fumes of your anger to restore your perspective: Just how important is the issue you’re angry about? 

The allowing attitude. From acupuncture to deep-breath kung fu, the techniques and philosophies of Eastern cultures have always been light years ahead of ours when it comes to mind over stressful matters. To let go of your own tension, try an adaptation of ancient T’ai chi exercise. Settle yourself into a quiet place. Interlock your fingers as if to pray. Point your index fingers upward, leaving space between them. Study the space between them, then allow them to come together. Don’t push them together. Allow them to close slowly on their own. Open them again and feel the breath of your emotions escape through the opening. Then name your stresses. Watch the stressful feelings flow out through your open fingers.

Unwind on wheels. The next time you’re stuck in a cab or delayed train, close your eyes and relax your facial muscles. Feel your back rest against the seat. Then begin consciously to inhale and exhale for a few minutes. At the end of the ride you will feel refreshed and composed. This will work an on-the-move executive, a student heading to a final exam, even for a parent on the way to a PTA meeting if you can just once get out of the driver’s seat.  

Take time out. Take time out of your life each week – that is, literally remove it. Let your internal (and external) clock-watching vigilante take a short vacation. Remove or cover all visible signs of time. Take off your watch and turn off your cell phone. Enjoy yourself, paced only by your natural rhythm, not by the imposition of the sixty-minute hour. If you have an appointment, date, or other necessary ending to this exercise, set an alarm. It will signal when it's time to get back into time.

Keys and cues. Stir up positive memories with a cue word. Begin this stress breaker by reconstructing a time when you felt terrific – when your self-esteem was high and your anxiety low. Remember this time in your mind’s eye and feel those feelings again. Catch them, relive them, then find a key word or phrase to name them. Any one- or two-word label will do, preferably the first that comes to mind. Got it? Now, with practice, you can condense the process, key into good times and the pleasant feelings on cue with your word association. 

Adapted from Stress Breakers by Helene Lerner and Roberta Elins

 

3 Reliable Ways to be Less Sensitive to Negativity

When a coworker says something insulting, it’s natural to react. But if you find yourself stewing over the comment for days, your may be too sensitive. Excessive sensitivity often comes from insecurities and incorrect interpretations of what other people say. Here are three ways to assess the situation:

Don’t overreact. You may think that talking through your feelings with your coworker is the most productive option. But if you’re a sensitive person, your initial response to their slight may be more about your fears than what they actually said. So hit the brakes for a few minutes. Take some time to reflect before approaching your coworker.

Question yourself. Try to figure out why your reaction may be more intense than necessary. It’s possible your coworker’s insult is triggering feelings you have about something from the past, not what’s going on now.

Stick to the facts. It’s easy to catastrophize and read too much into what was said. If your coworker criticized your presentation, it doesn’t mean she thinks you’re incompetent. She might even have some constructive feedback -- or be jealous.

-Sarah Cooke

How Your Attitude Can Stop You From Succeeding

A few days ago I walked into a national electronics retail store ready to spend hundreds of dollars on a new laptop. Although I had done my research, I still had a few questions--but I was ready and eager to make a decision. Unfortunately, no one approached me while I was looking at two different laptops and I had to initiate with four sales associates before one of them said he would be happy to help me--as soon as he was finished with his current customers.

I understood that and I waited patiently. Ten minutes later, he came back as promised, and he answered my two questions. It was evident he had good product knowledge--and  it was equally obvious he had no passion for his work. You might think he was having a bad day or was just tired, but I don't think that was the case. I believe he knew what he was doing, he just wasn't that interested in it. My guess is that he thinks about doing something different and he wishes he made more money.

Many employees are in the same boat and they are making the same mistake this sales associate seems to be making. They want their circumstances to change, but they don’t know that they have to change.  We might not like that and we might fight it--but the fact is that if we want something to change, we have to change our attitude first.

The attitude we bring to work--or don’t bring--is the foundation for launching a career or calling. We can be good at what we do, but if we're just going through the motions, we will forever just be working at a job. To move from a job to a career to a calling is a journey that begins within. It begins by bringing the best attitude we can to work every day.  

-Alan Allard, Leadership Coach/Life Coach
www.alanallard.com

3 Ways to Rebound from Failure that You Need to Know

Making mistakes is inevitable. In fact, failure often teaches us the lessons we need to succeed. Here are three tips on how to rebound:

Don’t catastrophize. Take the drama out of the situation. Just because you make a mistake doesn’t mean you’re incapable of accomplishing your goals. Own up to your misstep – then move on.

Don’t “people-please.” If others are involved in the situation, they might be disappointed by your error. But being worried about what they think of you makes a failure feel more intense than it needs to. Everyone makes mistakes.

Eyes on the (realistic) prize – Don’t give up. The worst case scenario was that you didn’t achieve your goal this time. Inventory the things you learned that were useful – then, reset your goal.

-Sarah Cooke

Believe in Your Ability to Succeed

It's nearly impossible to advance and succeed if you don't have faith in your skills and talents. So put an end to the negative mind talk! Take a look at our video for some great thoughts on believing in your abilities and challenging yourself to step forward in new ways.

Video Editor - Dominique Guerra

Three Surprising Realities about Negative People

Most of us have at least one friend or coworker who always seems to be unhappy – and has a way of dragging us down with them. Negative people can be challenging to understand, so here are some surprising realities to consider when dealing with them:

It’s not just about them. At first glance, it may seem like the negative person is the problem. But check your insecurities. If you tell that person about an ambitious goal and they shoot your idea down, it’s not just their pessimism that bothers you – it’s your fear that they might be right. Most of us feel the need for validation from others.

Compassion does not help. Chronically negative people are often reacting to challenges in their lives. But indulging their storyline will tell them they can count on you for an emotional response – which is often precisely what they’re looking for. Don’t allow yourself to be drawn into their drama.

Preemptive positivity. If you know a friend or coworker’s tendency is to be negative, interrupt their pattern by offering a positive comment. You never know! And this will show them that you’re not likely to follow them down a rabbit hole of negativity.

Why It's Not Easy to be the Boss

Employees across the globe are disillusioned, de-motivated and disengaged—and many of them are thinking, “If I were the leader, things would be different.” Maybe so, but let’s investigate what your manager might have to say:

“My job is tougher than you think.” You might think your manager has it made. After all, he or she has a title you don’t have, authority you think you want and a bigger paycheck than you do.  Cushy job, right? Maybe you would think differently if you considered that your manager has to deal with bigger problems than you do, has to try to please more people than you do and probably stays awake some nights worrying about work issues you don’t have to give a moment’s thought to.

“You have to worry about you—I have to worry about everyone.” If you’re having trouble at work and your performance is suffering, your manager is going to expect you to turn it around. That’s not always easy, but at least you’re only dealing with one person—you. Your manager might be dealing with several faltering team members at once—and she probably isn't getting a lot of help from her manager. After all, her supervisor is likely to tell her, “That’s what I hired you for—you are up to the task, aren’t you?”

“I wish I had more support and training to do my job.” Unfortunately, few managers get what they need in terms of management training. Want to know the first department budget that is slashed in tough times? That would be the training budget.

“Yes, I do have favorites—I'm only human.” Can you really blame your manager for liking those who are easy to get along with, do great work, have a positive attitude and are willing to go the extra mile? But don’t be concerned—if you want your manager’s favor, it’s not rocket science. Do great work, be easy to get along with and you’ll be golden.

-Alan Allard, Leadership Coach/Life Coach
www.alanallard.com

Make a To-Do List That Actually Works

Here is one of our popular blog posts. It's worth another read:

Work, family, cleaning the house, preparing for the holidays…who has the time to do it all? Sharon Lowenheim shared her tips for cleaning up clutter, and now the “Organizing Goddess” is back to share her best strategies for effectively managing your time and staying on top of all of your commitments. 

During her 25 years in corporate America, Sharon saw firsthand how a lack of direction often leads employees astray. Here she shares how to manage your to-do list effectively with time to spare. 

Break down projects. The key to a successful to-do list is to differentiate between a task and a project. If you put a big thing on your list that has too many tasks, you’ll feel defeated and overwhelmed and not get anywhere. So if you need to do laundry tomorrow, add it to the list. But don’t put “lose weight” on there; instead, break it down into tasks, such as getting a gym membership, buying a low-calorie cookbook, etc. 

Keep it small. Keep your to-do list to a reasonable length. If you put 30 things on your list, you’ll go mad. But if you put 10 tasks, with a few that are high priority, that’s manageable. Reprioritize your list daily, crossing off the things you completed yesterday and adding new things you want to get done today. 

Make it fun. When you have a day off, you always think you’re going to accomplish more than you can. To make your weekends productive but still relaxing, make a list of the things you want to get done, and then cut it in half. Do the boring tasks – filing taxes, sorting through insurance forms – first thing in the morning. How do you make them enjoyable? Be creative. Put on a fancy outfit you don’t get to wear often or sing along to your favorite album as you are doing it – whatever strikes your fancy.

Find time for you. Don’t think just because a commitment is personal that it doesn’t deserve to go on your calendar. You shouldn’t always get just the leftover time. Block out time to go to yoga or get a massage, and make it non-negotiable. If your boss needs you for work, say you have a prior commitment – just don’t tell him it’s with your masseuse.

–Lindsay Putnam

When to Keep a "Bad" Job

A year and a half ago I had a client who had been out of the work force for five years, by choice. Tracy had a lot going for her: an engaging personality, a strong work ethic, drive—and more. What she didn’t have was work experience in the previous five years. Tracy knew that could pose a problem, but since her goal was to get back to work, she looked for positions inside and outside her industry.
 
One day I suggested to Tracy that she would do great in sales—at first she laughed at the suggestion and said, “I’m not a salesperson.” But we talked more and, a month and a half later, Tracy was employed in a sales role.
 
That's when things got rough. A month into her new job, she was the only one left from her training class—everyone else had quit. It wasn’t a glamorous job—but that wasn't the hard part. The company broke most of its promises and to make things worse, she had a challenging sales manager who yelled at the employees. But Tracy kept her eye on her goal (being employed) and rose to the top.
 
Six months into her year of working at her company, Tracy wanted to quit almost every day. The pressure was intense and her manager rarely praised anyone but regularly berated them. But she stayed for a full year. Now, with a great track record, she was in a position to look for an opportunity where she could not only make a good salary, but one she would actually enjoy.
 
Tracy has been in her new position for seven months now. She loves her new manager, she’s excited about her work and she’s making more money. She wanted all that at her previous company, but she didn’t get it. What got Tracy all the good things she has now is that she never gave up—she was determined. It took her 14 long months to get to where she wanted to be, but she got there.
 
Sometimes it takes more than talent and passion to succeed. It takes determination; the willingness to persist despite all the obstacles and disappointments.

Tracy's name was changed.

-Alan Allard, Leadership Coach/Life Coach
www.alanallard.com

Four Reasons Being Busy Can Prevent a Promotion

In our fast-paced culture, we tend to see being busy as a positive thing. It means, we assume, that a lot of people are demanding your time, so you must be doing a good job. But being busy is not the same as being successful. In fact, having a schedule that’s too busy can get in the way of your successes, like promotions. Here’s why:

Smart time, not more time. At first glance, it might seem that the employee who is willing to work the most hours – who stays late on a regular basis and consistently works through the weekend – is the most likely to get a promotion. But if your work is creeping into time that should be spent sleeping and recharging, you’re likely to feel burned out and you may not perform at your best.

Guilt may be to blame. Maybe it’s not your workload that’s making life feel so hectic. It’s possible you’re spending too much of your time outside of work on activities that should be bumped down on your priority list. It’s easy to fall into the trap of over-giving to others and feeling guilty about taking time for ourselves. But if you feel like you’re constantly firing on all cylinders, you’ll probably be too worn out to excel at the office.

You’ll lose your joy. Overwhelm can make it difficult to enjoy life – even the activities we love. If you’re always worrying about the next 10 things on your to-do list, it’s nearly impossible to keep your mind in the present moment, focused on the activity at hand. You may love your work, but if your schedule is making you feel like there’s never enough time to complete your tasks, you’re going to rush and your work will suffer.

It’s about quality. We all know the stereotype of the supposedly “successful” woman, talking on the phone, working on her laptop and making dinner for her family all at the same time. But just because she’s getting all those things done doesn’t mean she’s doing them well. We tend to believe that multitasking demonstrates efficiency, but the opposite is often true.

-Sarah Cooke