K.E. Garland's Blog, page 6

Monday Notes: Learning to Be My Authentic Self

In How Being an Adoptee Taught Me to Lie, I shared how I’d learned three pertinent lessons: (1) lying was okay; (2) disassociating was required to live with my adoptive family; and (3) fitting in would help me gain a sense of belonging. Of course, these were false narratives, but it wasn’t until adulthood that I knew I had to reverse engineer everything I’d subconsciously learned. Here’s what I continue to practice in order to be a more authentic version of myself:

ADULT LESSON #1: Tell myself the truth.

As a child, I’d learned to lie about and suppress emotions, instead of processing them in healthy ways. So first, I had to learn to tell myself the truth. Practicing yoga began the process. Yoga taught me to slow my breath and movements. Consistent practice showed me how to observe what was happening in my body. Once I knew how I felt in a relaxed state, I began to recognize how my body felt in other settings. For example, I more readily noticed my rising heartbeat during a work meeting or the sluggish feel after a night of tossing and turning. Awareness helped me to tell myself the truth. Instead of saying, I’m fine when I wasn’t, I began saying, I’m tired or I’m angry or whatever. This eventually led to processing emotions, instead of pushing them away. In my estimation, telling the truth to yourself about yourself is the beginning of being honest.

ADULT LESSON #2: See people as they are, not as I want them to be.

As an adoptee, I’d learned to live in a perpetual fantasy world. This turned into me having a fantasy husband, fantasy children, and fantasy extended family and friends. Therefore, to be more truthful, I had to learn how to live in the real world and accept people for who they showed themselves to be. This level of acceptance required a close look at behavioral patterns. For example, I noticed some family only visited when I accomplished something. I had “friends” who I never heard from, unless I reached out first. The next step was being honest about how these acts made me feel, especially when it came to my relationship needs. Could I remain in non-symbiotic relationship with people? The answer depended on the relationship. Some, like mentor-mentee situations, are designed to be nonreciprocal; however, most relationships function best when two people relate with intention. Either way, I found it important to be honest with myself and the other person, rather than lying about their behaviors and how they affected me.

ADULT LESSON #3: Worry less about people’s responses to telling the truth.

After publishing Salve, many people have asked if I was concerned about what my family would say. My answer continues to be no, but I did worry that they would no longer love me. This answer revealed a lingering concern for belonging. Would my husband, daughters, or cousins see me as so far outside of the norm of our family that they would reject and abandon me? That’s what kept me up at night.

Ironically though, releasing Salve helped me to care less about the consequences of revealing truths about myself and my lived experience. At some point, I was ready to lose everyone because I’d decided that, whether people loved me or not, I would be fine. And guess what? I was right.

People who matter haven’t left me. My immediate family is currently walking this journey alongside me. Some who were friends when I published the book no longer hold that title; conversely, some who were distant friends are now closer because they see themselves in the truth I’ve told. The beauty of being honest is that people get to determine if they want to be in relationship with the real you or not. And you get to do the same.

ADULT LESSON #4: Enact internal accountability.

Accountability is at the root of adrienne maree brown’s latest book. She says internal accountability—that thing you do when no one is looking—is one way we will move forward with a new society.

For a very long time, my ability to disassociate prevented me from enacting internal accountability. I thought what I was doing didn’t matter if no one knew. This isn’t true. Maintaining secrets and lies, even if no one finds out, is detrimental to one’s health, if for no other reason than the effect of stress. But even if there are no stressors, lying isn’t right because you know what you’re doing. Internal accountability is a personal code of ethics that we should live by. brown also suggests that our personal ethics should stand apart from religion. For example, our internal accountability shouldn’t rely on if an omnipotent god will block you from the afterlife party. It should be important for you to hold yourself accountable based on the morals you’ve developed. I agree, and with practice, I’m learning to be accountable to myself, which again, requires first being truthful to me.

ADULT LESSON #5: Tell the truth as much as possible.

This lesson is still a bit challenging, which is why I’ve saved it for last. My desire is to be as honest with everyone in my life as much as I can. But there are barriers. I wonder if we need to be 100% truthful all the time. For example, sometimes I still determine how much truth I think someone else can handle. If it’s minimal, then I keep things to myself. Is that fair? Sometimes the truth may not be appropriate for the setting, like if you’re at work or your children are around. Other times, it may be unnecessary to divulge the entire truth, so again, I keep things to myself. Like I said, this part is still in its early stages, but I do think it’s an integral piece. Like brown said it’s important to “learn to speak the truth, learn to hear it, learn to honor that there are many truths, and become allergic to anything that isn’t the truth. Cause we live in the real world.” But I’m still trying to figure out what that looks like.

Let me know what you think about telling the truth to yourself and others. More than ever, I think being truthful has become essential for the times.

Monday Notes: Learning to Be My Authentic SelfMonday Notes: How Being an Adoptee Taught Me to LieAcknowledging the Primal Wound: How Relinquishment Can Lead to an Intimacy DisorderThe Day After Trump was RE-ElectedMonday Notes: Election 2024

Monday Notes: How Being an Adoptee Taught Me to Lie

November is National Adoption Awareness Month, so I’d thought I would kill two birds with one stone today: discuss adoption and answer a common question I’ve received after people have read Salve. After reading my memoir, Grandma Hunny said, “You’ve lived two lives when most people don’t even live one!” Similar to my grandmother, many people have asked me how I was able to live a so-called double life. At first, I didn’t have an answer. I just thought I possessed a natural ability, like curling your tongue. It wasn’t until I was immersed in the adoption community and adoption literature, that I realized lying was something I’d developed as an adoptee. Here’s what I know I learned:

LESSON #1: Lying about your life is okay.

I learned lying was okay when I was ten years old. I remember it like it was yesterday. I had just discovered that I was adopted, that I had been raised by strangers and wasn’t biologically related to anyone around me. I had been lied to for several years, and what’s worse, everyone was in on the charade. I remember wanting to express sadness for learning these details. I wondered where my birth mother was, and I wanted to understand my origin story. But being strong was a virtue in this family, so my adoptive mother didn’t allow for any emotion other than gratitude. I was encouraged to “get over” these life-changing events and move forward with life. Here is where I learned that lying must be an acceptable and normal way to live. My adoptive family told and showed me this lie was no big deal. Subsequently, I not only perceived lying about adoption as okay, but I also began to lie to myself about who I was and how I felt about it.

LESSON #2: Disassociating is a necessary lie.

Nancy Newton Verrier is a scholar who wrote a seminal book called The Primal Wound. In this book, she explains how unnatural it is for a baby to be separated from her mother. She says this separation creates an adoptee’s first pain, or primal wound. Subsequently, Autumn Sansom produced a documentary based on Verrier’s book called Reckoning with the Primal Wound. This documentary summarizes the primal wound concept and describes how common it is for adoptees to disassociate due to this unnatural occurrence. According to Sansom’s documentary, disassociation is a shared trait because many of us are implicitly or explicitly asked to pretend the family we are being raised with is, indeed, our natural family. To be clear, disassociation requires disconnecting from one’s body and feelings; it requires living in an alternate reality. As an adoptee, to disassociate, one must lie to oneself over and over again, until the lie becomes a natural state of being. In a way, I learned that disassociation was normal, too, and I began to use it in my young adult and adult life as a way to cope with discomfort.

LESSON #3: Lying to fit in is fine.

In Atlas of the Heart, Brené Brown says, “authenticity is a requirement for belonging” and “connection” (p. 172). Brown makes a really big deal about how important a sense of belonging is for human connection. Another characteristic that adoptees share is a lack of a sense of belonging. I’ve repeatedly said I never felt as if I belonged in my adoptive family. Growing up, I tried hard to, though: I mimicked laughing at the right jokes; I learned to be just the right amount of sarcastic; and I tried to become as stoic as everyone else when it came to emotional experiences. But it never felt quite right. Now, I know why. Brown says, “When we work to fit in and be accepted, our “belonging” is tenuous” (p. 158). Furthermore, Brown’s research shows that people equate a sense of belonging as a matter of life-or-death. Now, imagine being adopted. If a non-adoptee thinks not belonging is like dying, then how might an adoptee feel? In my case, I suspected my adoptive family was the only group of people I could count on. If I lost them, then I had no one. I became proficient at lying, so I could belong. But as Brown noted, attempts at fitting in don’t work if you’re trying to belong. They only create illusions of belonging.

Oof.

I don’t want to inundate you with information, so I’ll stop here. Next week, I’ll share how I’ve unlearned these lessons, so I could be a more authentic version of myself. Until then, let me know what you think in the comments. And if you know an adoptee, give them a hug.

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Acknowledging the Primal Wound: How Relinquishment Can Lead to an Intimacy Disorder

November is National Adoption Awareness Month or as some call it, National Adoption Adoptee Awareness Month. I was fortunate enough to not only present with Adoption Knowledge Affiliates on the real effects of search and reunion (with one’s birth family), but they also allowed me to blog about how my primal wound led to an intimacy disorder. Read my guest blog here: Acknowledging the Primal Wound: How Relinquishment Can Lead to an Intimacy Disorder.

The Day After Trump was RE-Elected

When I woke up, I knew Trump had been reelected before I turned on my phone. I live in Florida. The past few days had been sunny and bright. But the day after Trump was reelected, it was foggy and grey. A mist of rain covered the city and mirrored half of the country’s sentiments: Visibility had been reduced to a few feet in front of our faces as we pondered a perceived demise of democracy.

The day after Trump was reelected, no one sent me funny memes, gifs, or reels. My sister and I didn’t kee-kee over the bullshit of our lives. Instead, I texted:

This country is so aggy.

Not the phrase I thought I’d see this morning, she replied, but hella accurate.

Moments later, a friend sent Rebecca Solnit’s words from Persevering Resistance. It begins like this:

They want you to feel powerless and to surrender and to let them trample everything and you are not going to let them. You are not giving up, and neither am I.

The day after Trump was reelected, my social media feed felt morose. I say, ‘my’ because algorithms shape our reality. Someone else’s may have been hopeful. But not mine.

Astrology predictions were plentiful. Birth chart readers have warned about this time: On November 19th, Pluto will be entering Aquarius for 20 years. The last time that happened the world saw the American Revolution, the French Revolution, and the Haitian Revolution, Jonathan Louis Dent says.

Social justice activists, like adrienne maree brown have warned about this time and the need to form communities that are not solely identity based. Meaning, it will not matter with whom you graduated college. There is a need to know who you can trust and count on, brown says, and because more people voted for Trump this year than in 2016, I’m not sure who that is.

Tracey Michae’l Lewis-Giggetts, author of Black Joy PlayBook, reminds us that folks have always sought joy, even in unimaginable times. The American enslaved danced and sang amid explicitly induced physical and psychological trauma. But, the day after Trump was reelected, even Lewis-Giggetts woke up less than inspired. She posted from a place of sadness. She had no playbook for joy. Instead, she called for “sitting in the grief.”

The day after Trump was reelected was my husband’s birthday. I wanted to post about him being born and how special his presence has been during our 31-year relationship, but it felt odd. Do people honor births during these times? The answer is yes. Anne Frank and her family celebrated holidays, while fearing for their lives and hiding in an attic during the Holocaust. I returned to Solnit, who reminds us that one can be in mourning and still “water the flowerpots.” Multiple emotions can exist at one time.

The day after Trump was reelected, I wondered what the role of artists and writers is, especially during times of instability. I purposely held off writing until the election cycle ended because musing about relationships didn’t seem as important as who would be the next US president. I didn’t see how thinking about love and life could be just as integral. But artists and writers have always existed, no matter what was occurring around or to them. In fact, artists and writers have existed because of what was occurring around and to them. Whether it is Basquiat or Baldwin, Octavia Butler or Joni Mitchell, Toni Morrison or NWA, artists and writers oftentimes express emotions in ways others don’t to document and inspire. An artist’s and writer’s work is important for saying what a people feel or for helping the masses to imagine a new future.

Plus, understanding love and relationships will always be important for shaping society.

Therefore, the day after Trump was reelected, I decided I will continue to write and record about the in-between spaces of life; of how we continue to work for companies who don’t give af about us, while natural disasters pummel communities; of how we vote for politicians, who tell us the earth is not on fire, while the ocean boils; of how we move forward in grief and joy, while distrusting our neighbors’ judgments. I’ve decided I will leave stories for our children’s children to read, analyze, and learn. We each have our role to play, no matter what is happening around or to us.

What will yours be?

The Day After Trump was RE-ElectedMonday Notes: Election 2024Inspiring Image #37: ChillinInspiring Image #138: VeniceInspiring Image #147: Ferris Wheel

Monday Notes: Election 2024

When former President Trump was elected, I was just as sad about the political and social direction of the country as others. But the one positive effect his presidency had on me is that I have become a more informed citizen and voter. From his January 2017th inauguration to the January 6, 2021st Capitol Attack, I have learned more about what US presidents can and cannot do; how state elections can be more integral than the country’s; and how choosing a Supreme Court can affect everyone’s lives and rights.

Consequently, unlike years’ past, for this election year, I know exactly what matters to me.

One thing I have educated myself on is this document: Mandate for Leadership: The Conservative Promise: Project 2025. Though I have not read the entire 1000-page document, I have read the “Education” section, which in the first sentence proclaims, Federal education policy should be limited and, ultimately, the federal Department of Education should be eliminated. The remainder of this section explains, in detail, how conservatives plan to do that. The primary way is through a return to states’ rights.

I’m all for states’ rights. Really, I am. However, I also live in Florida, a state, where the government has passed legislation without a public vote. For example, the Florida government seemed to have assumed that the entire state wishes to be conservative, and as a result, passed HB 241–Parents’ Bill of Rights. Among other things, this “Bill of Rights” has allowed K-12 parents to challenge so-called inappropriate literature, like Amanda Gorman’s book, The Hill We Climb, which was based on the poem she read at President Biden’s inauguration. As of today, it can longer be read or taught in Florida’s public schools due to one parent’s complaint.

As a teacher educator, I have heard the firsthand effects of challenging books. It seems small. It isn’t. It requires teachers to complete a disruptive process of inputting and explaining each book they plan to teach, giving parents a “right” to contest it, and then removing it from the classroom, library, and school if parents disagree. This is no easy feat for teachers or librarians.

I hope this chain of events is clear. I’m suggesting that what’s happened here in Florida is poised to happen nationwide. Not book banning, per se. But rather, a nationwide return to states’ rights, where each state can decide what they think is “right” for their citizens, whether they’ve asked the citizens of that state or not.

The second issue I’ve been thinking deeply about is how the Supreme Court reversed Roe v Wade in 2022. I’ve been following the consequences in my and other states. Similar to the overall goal of Project 2025, the idea seemed to be to return reproductive rights to the states. Again, I’m all for states’ rights; however, in Florida, no one asked me to vote on if women should or should not have reproductive rights. Instead, the government enacted a six-week ban. This matters to me, not because I’ve had abortions in the past and not because, even as 51-year-old married woman, I could have an unwanted pregnancy. It matters because I care deeply about rights that impact all women and girls, who can reproduce, no matter their race or ethnicity. If most of the state wanted this, I would acquiesce, but we don’t know for sure, because we didn’t vote on it.

To be clear, I am concerned that should conservatives have complete control, the direction of the country would be to pretend to “return to states’ rights,” while states enact a nationwide conservative agenda much of the citizenry hasn’t asked for. This is not some crazy conspiracy theory I’ve conjured. If you have time, you should probably read a part of Project 2025 that interests you, whether it’s because you used to work or currently work in that sector. If you agree, then cool. I trust it’s because you believe the United States is on the right path. If not, well, consider how your vote could impact specific social issues.

I like to think about things in threes, so to round this off, I’ll add this: When former President Obama ran in 2007, I wasn’t very politically savvy. He was Black. I’m Black. Wouldn’t it be cool if we had a Black president? was the sentiment. Today, I would never vote for a president based on race, gender, or sexual preference. Today, I’m less interested in being a part of the masses who are excited to shape history in that way. This year, I’ll be voting for someone who understands the pluralistic demographics of our citizenry, whose rhetoric is inclusive of all our rights, and who recognizes an appropriate level of the federal government’s role in our everyday lives.

Monday Notes: Election 2024Inspiring Image #37: ChillinInspiring Image #138: VeniceInspiring Image #147: Ferris WheelInspiring Image #140: FALL 

Inspiring Image #37: Chillin

 

Inspiring Image #138: Venice

Inspiring Image #140: FALL 🍂

Monday Notes: In Search of a Salve Gratitude

No man is an island, Entire of itself;Every man is a piece of the continent,A part of the main.John Donne, “No Man is an Island”

A lot of times, I feel as if I’m doing things independent of help; however, I know this is not true. Therefore, I would like to express gratitude to and for the following:

Thank you to anyone who purchased In Search of a Salve.

Thank you to anyone who read In Search of a Salve.

Thank you to every reader who wrote an honest review of my memoir on Amazon, Goodreads, B&N, Audible, and/or their personal blog.

“Never apologize for asking for a review!”

blogger, who shall remain anonymous

Thank you to the woman who said, “Never apologize for asking for a review! I was happy to do it…” Asking readers for reviews is not an easy task, and she made feel less shitty about doing so.

Thank you to my friends and colleagues who helped me plan book events in different cities.

Thank you to the independent bookstores who were welcoming, especially 57th Street Books in Chicago, Chamblin’s Uptown in Jacksonville, Florida, and the Happy Medium Books Café in Jacksonville, Florida.

Thank you to Dr. Dinardo and St. Clair College’s Student Resource Center in Windsor-Ontario, Canada.

Thank you to people who attended book events.

Thank you to my friends from high school, who flew from out of town to attend a book event and to those who came directly from work in the middle of the week.

Thank you to those of you who recommended In Search of a Salve to your friends and family.

Thank you to the friends who bought books for their friends.

Thank you to the friend who bought extra books and passed them out to strangers on her flight, in other cities, and in general.

Thank you to those of you who have connected me with other creatives and thinkers in order to collaborate.

Thank you to the friend who sent Carolyn Myss’s team a note about why I should work with her.

Thank you to the adult adoptee community, who has embraced me from Day 1.

Thank you to the friend who said, “If you want me there, then you’ll have to include K E Garland.”

Thank you to the book clubs who have purchased, read, and invited me to speak.

Thank you to U.S.G.I.R.L.S. book club, whose members have been early supporters of my artistry.

Thank you to the friend who recommended I interview with Canvas Rebel.

Thank you for the numerous podcasters who trusted me to be on their shows.

Thank you to the podcaster who said I have to be “a best-seller or famous award-winning author” to be on her podcast, but agreed to read Salve, wrote a review on her other blog, and then gave the book to her mother to read.

Last, but certainly not least, thank you to the love of my life, who ceaselessly tries to understand my motivation for the things I do on this earth, and even when it doesn’t make a tap of sense in the physical world, he trusts that what I’m doing is the right thing not only for me, but sometimes, for us.

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Monday Notes: In Search of a Salve: By the Numbers

One year ago, September 26, 2023, I published In Search of a Salve: Memoir of a Sex Addict! I am three days away from my one-year bookaversary, so today, I thought I’d celebrate by talking about numbers.

BOOK SALES

According to Google Gemini, the average self-published book sells 250 copies, but 90% of self-published books sell less than 100 copies over the lifetime of the book. Chris O’Brien confirms these lifetime numbers and he says the reason depends on several criteria, ranging from how hard the author works to market the book to how big of a social media presence the author has. As an indie author, I can also validate these stats. My first two books, The Unhappy Wife and Daddy: Reflections of Father-Daughter Relationships reached a little beyond 600 in total sales over the course of eight years.

But In Search of a Salve? I’m happy to report that I sold 90 copies in the first nine weeks. As of today, hard cover, eBook, and audiobook sales, as well as online and in-person have totaled close to 300 in the first year. They say, “Comparison is the thief of joy;” however, I’m feeling joyful as hell about these numbers. They are above average for indie authors, and I’m proud of myself.

PODCASTS

Over the past twelve months, I have been on twelve podcasts. The first was SA (Sex Addiction) Speakeasy. To secure this recording, I cold emailed the host, Roy Kim. He was happy to have me on because rarely do Black, female recovering sex addicts write books, much less speak in public about their journeys. After that, I paid to be a guest on Black Authors Matter TV (I do not recommend being on their show or paying to be a guest on anyone’s show). After those first two, I was invited to speak on the remaining podcasts, and guess what, one of them paid me to tell my story, not the other way around!

I’ve tried hard to choose a favorite, but it’s impossible because even when the topic was the same, each was different. For example, I’ve been on four adoption podcasts; however, one focused on the addiction piece, something that many adoptees struggle with, as opposed to another, which focused on what adoption was like for me as a child. Outside of adoption, other podcasts were about the writing process, but still, each had a different angle. Either way, interviewing helped me develop confidence in explaining why I wrote this memoir.

BOOKSTORES

Three independent bookstores in three different cities hosted me for book events. As I’ve mentioned before, this is no easy feat. The first was 57th Street Books in Chicago. I have no shame in explaining that this occurred because my friend, Dr. Duane Davis set it up because he knows the bookstore owner. Based on my experience with bookstores, there is no doubt in my mind that had I tried to do this on my own, it wouldn’t have happened. I’m grateful for the hookup, though, because it allowed me to celebrate publication among a lot of friends, a few bloggers, and my sister and niece.

The second bookstore that was kind enough to host me was Tall Tales Bookstore in Atlanta. Although only three people showed up for the event, I am still grateful that the owner agreed to have me speak there. The third bookstore that allowed me to have an event was Happy Medium Books Café in Jacksonville, Florida. Dana is new at bookstore ownership. I’ve repeatedly joked with her that she hasn’t been in the business long enough to be jaded, which is why she’s so nice. The real reason is that Dana is very community centered. Her calendar is always full, and she embraces being a part of the Jacksonville arts culture. No matter the rationale, I’m grateful because I was able to have a virtual Q&A there.

BOOK PRIZE

Last, but not least, Salve was long listed for one book award—Santa Fe Writers Project Literary Award (2023). I didn’t win, but the reviewers did say, “this is a powerful memoir, one that needs to be told,” and they encouraged me to undergo another round of revisions because I “have access to a niche that can make this a bestseller.” Considering how mean people are in the industry, this was a very kind way to support.

Also, I’ve written before about the importance of entering one’s work into contests. It’s not always about winning. For me, the relevance of these prizes is that they add value to one’s CV and work as a writer. Adding that Salve was long listed strengthens my bio, especially when I apply for grants, fellowships, and residencies. Although it’s not fair, judges of other competitions that require resumes tend to have more faith in you as an artist if they see you have a track record. So, again, even though I didn’t win, I’m thankful that someone thought my memoir was noteworthy.

Welp, those are the numbers that have mattered to me. Again, I’m hella proud of myself for writing this book and choosing a process that suited the goals of the project at the time. It has paid off and met my personal definition of success.

It’s Salve’s one-year anniversary. I’ll be sharing thoughts, impact, and commentary all month!

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