K.E. Garland's Blog, page 4

Inspiring Image #157: Black Joy

I didn’t edit these photos, and I didn’t choose the “best” ones because I want you to experience these as is. I have a lot of commentary, but I’ve landed on this. A lot of times, we see stereotyped or traumatic images of Black people…still. It brought me joy to see two people simply doing something normal: playing.

“Part of the work of joy, the essence of play, is to learn how to surrender to the moment. To be present.”

Tracey Michae’l Lewis-Giggetts, Black Joy Play Book

Inspiring Image #157: Black JoySunday Shorts: Séduire: Serial Tales & Flash Fiction by Tremaine L. LoadholtMonday Notes: A Love Letter to Myself Monday Notes: 3 Ways to Survive 47’s Return to OfficeMonday Notes: When 47 Is in Office

Sunday Shorts: Séduire: Serial Tales & Flash Fiction by Tremaine L. Loadholt

Fellow blogger and all around cool chick, Tremaine L. Loadholt (also known as trE, of A Cornered Gurl), wrote and published a short story collection called Séduire: Serial Tales & Flash Fiction. Because Séduire is not distributed via Amazon or other large platforms, I’m sharing my review here.

I had to look up the word séduire, so I could understand this compilation. What was Tremaine L. Loadholt trying to accomplish with these stories? Where was she trying to take me? Well, the definition of séduire means to seduce; to charm; to appeal to, and Ima tell y’all what…she did that. I was seduced AND charmed lol

The first half or so of this book is devoted to micro fiction, which, in this busy world, I appreciated. I left the book open on my kitchen table, so when I ate breakfast, I would simply read a story before my workout. That worked. It got a little trickier when I got to the collection of serialized tales. Sometimes, I was late for my workout! 

tRE is not only a great storyteller, but she is very skilled at character-driven stories, in particular. I could literally envision each of these people, as if they were real. “The N-Word at Recess” demonstrates her storytelling ability. “Far Out” is my favorite of this collection. However, each narrative really does show how well she develops characters. You will laugh, cry, and shake your head at some of these “people,” mainly because I’m sure you’ve run across a few in your real life.

Kudos, trE!

Buy Séduire (eBook)Buy Séduire (paperback)Follow trE on A Cornered Gurl

Monday Notes: A Love Letter to Myself 💌

keg,

You’ve been through so much in your early years, which shaped how you functioned in young adulthood. I’m glad you’ve finally understood that these are all malleable versions of you. I’m glad you’ve realized how these pieces fit together to make you who you are, even today. I’m glad you no longer hold your birth parents’ or adoptive parents’ shame. It was keeping you stagnant and influencing your creativity. Most importantly, I’m glad you’ve figured out how to integrate the so-called negative parts into your everyday life.

Even though, you’re doing well in this phase, it seems you need some reminders, so you can continue to show up as the healthiest and most loving version of yourself. The following will help you to continue cultivating a relationship with yourself, first and foremost, so you can vibe out to others when necessary.

You don’t need anyone to validate your intuition.

While it is okay to recount a story to your husband, sister, or friends, you don’t need confirmation for what you feel. In the past, your intuition was tamped down by trauma. You were in survival mode for a long time, so it was understandable that you wouldn’t recognize signs, even when they were obvious. However, that is no longer the case. If you feel something, trust that it is the right course of action. Signals can come in the form of physical reactions when you’re in space with people or when supportive events occur that seem like “coincidences.” Either way, do not dismiss them and do not seek external confirmation. Trust what is.

Someone once said, “You have high expectations for friends.”

This is true. Initially, you took this to mean it is wrong to have high expectations for friends. It is not. Expecting people to meet relationship needs is normal, whether high or not. Ask any therapist. So, as you move forward in life, don’t be afraid to let friends know when they are not meeting them. They, too, have the right to make choices. If, for example, your friends think vulnerability requires too much, that’s okay…for them. Your job is not to lower your expectations, so that they can meet them. Your job is to maintain your vibration, so that those who are aligned will find you. Alignment is not woo-woo conjecture; your life has shown this to be true.

If you must lower your expectations to be in relationship with someone, then you are not supposed to be in relationship with that person.

This sounds like the second note, but the message is deeper. Lowering your expectations is akin to not being true to yourself. Everyone has needs, and you are no exception. When you lower your expectations, then you’re implying that what someone else is doing is okay, even if it is not. In all relationships, whether familial, platonic, or romantic, you’ve learned that you desire a certain level of reciprocity, creativity, and intimacy. You want people in your life to consider you as you do them. You want to be connected to people who think of innovative ways to curate time together. You want to experience shared vulnerability. There’s nothing wrong with any of this. However, there is something wrong with asking these things of people who do not have the capacity to meet your needs. It’s not fair to them or you.

Saying you’ve outgrown someone is a bit egotistical.

Remember when you used to go around saying you had outgrown a situation or person? It was okay, then, because you were younger. But now, you should know better. People are not your favorite screen t-shirt or distressed jeans. People are people. Jeans are jeans. Remember, we’re all living on a frequency, kind of like SiriusXM versus a radio station. Your local radio station cannot tune into Sway in the Morning; only SiriusXM can. People are similar. Some folks are vibing differently, and you are either aligned with them or you’re not. You’ve seen this to be true. Once you learn a lesson and move forward, sometimes the people who used to rock with you literally cannot hear or receive your words; they misinterpret your actions. But there’s no need to be haughty about it. It’s simply a matter of being on the same frequency and in alignment.

These notes should keep you well through the next few years. Remember them, and you will not only be honoring yourself, but you will also feel the peace that accompanies being grounded in a deeper understanding of the process of love and relationships.

Love, keg

Monday Notes: A Love Letter to Myself Monday Notes: 3 Ways to Survive 47’s Return to OfficeMonday Notes: When 47 Is in OfficeMonday Notes: Processing 2024Other People’s Quotes: Christmas Edition

Monday Notes: 3 Ways to Survive 47’s Return to Office

How y’all doing?

I’m good, considering the chaotic cluster-phk that has culminated in this country. I’m working on a few things that are taking more time to cook than this microwave culture will allow. One piece is about being in the throes of internal colonialism. Although I have enough evidence in these 21 short days to proclaim that’s what’s happening, I need time to sit with the idea. Meanwhile, I thought I’d pop in and share a few ways I’ve been coping during these so-called “unprecedented times.”

NUMBER 1: STAYING INFORMED

I only read and listen to sources I trust. I read the New York Times. I follow NPR on Instagram. I read the Contrarian on Substack. Additionally, I follow congresswoman Jasmine Crockett, comedian/actress Amanda Seales, and journalist, Prem Thakker on Instagram. In my off-line life, I listen to the following people: my husband, because he is constantly watching different news sources; a good friend, because she lives in a border town and provides me with what is happening from lived experience; and my sister, because she interacts with a diverse set of people, who are affected by policies in real time.

There are times when willful ignorance served me well. Now is not one of those times, so I force myself to pay attention. Checking in in this way provides me with a solid amount of news, so that I am informed and not burying my head in the sand. In 2025, there is no time to bury one’s head in the sand.

NUMBER 2: STAYING UNDER STIMULATED

When I discuss the government’s shenanigans with my husband, I have one rule: we can talk about it for 15 minutes. That’s it.

I am a highly sensitive person. That means my threshold for stress and anxiety is lower than the average person’s. It does not serve me well to spend an hour watching undocumented immigrants and their children be deported. If I do, then I will be in tears and feel hopeless. There’s no space for hopelessness right now. The way my anxiety is set up, I can only entertain brief stories about the ghost neighborhoods of Chicago or the guy in Florida who was baffled when ICE took his undocumented Venezuelan wife; they were about to “celebrate their anniversary” and “she was about to get her citizenship.” Since he’s in Miami, he pleaded to speak with the president, who I guess he thought was accessible. I cannot spend time wondering why he thought that or if he voted for the president. I cannot go down a rabbit hole of the consequences of illegally freezing federal funds, global USAID layoffs, or confirmation hearings of known racists and rapists. So, yeah. I allot 15 minutes to rant, rave, use all the cuss words, and call people dumb. After that, we discuss other happenings, because life is moving forward and there are other happenings.

NUMBER 3: STAYING CONNECTED TO IN-PERSON COMMUNITY

Did I mention that I started a banned book club for teens in August 2024? We meet on the fourth Saturday of every month, and as the title suggests, we read and discuss books that were banned in Florida’s public schools. The teens choose the titles. So far, we’ve read The Hate U Give, which is about police brutality against Black people and All Boys Aren’t Blue, which is a young-adult memoir centered on a gay Black man’s experiences. This month, we’re reading FEED, which seems to be a dystopian young-adult novel about late-stage capitalism and government control. Imagine the timing of this last one.

Sometimes, one person shows up; sometimes, five do. I know it’s popular to think we should lead marches with millions of people, instead of beginning with ourselves and our communities. Maybe. Or maybe you can let someone else plan the next million-women’s march filled with pink, crocheted vagina hats. Maybe your work is to plant a community garden, or to start a knitting circle for community self-care, or to watch the activists’ kids, so others can plan. Marches are necessary, but I’m thinking now is the time to connect and to commune with others in ways you may not have before. Our self-preservation depends on it.

Let me know what you’ve been doing for self-care since the United States has inaugurated another president. We live in a global community, so whether you live in the States or not, whether you voted for the 47th president or not, your voice is important and I want to hear how you’ve been faring.

This was written 21 days post-inauguration.

Monday Notes: 3 Ways to Survive 47’s Return to OfficeMonday Notes: When 47 Is in OfficeMonday Notes: Processing 2024Other People’s Quotes: Christmas EditionReflections on 12 Months of Maintaining the Christmas Spirit

Monday Notes: When 47 Is in Office

i hope all your problems are solved if
immigrants are mass deported

i hope you return to one-dollar-and-fifty-cent eggs when
47 is in office

i hope all your marginalized children are better instructed if
the USDOE is dismantled

i hope you return to residual income when
47 is in office

i hope all your employers enact fair practices if
DEI is mass disintegrated

i hope you return to a stable 401k when
47 is in office

i hope all your heteronormativity is restored if
“woman” and “man” are strictly defined

i hope you return to a valuable dollar when
47 is in office

i hope all your queer daughters and sons are safe if
they don't hide their identities

i hope you return to two-dollar gas when
47 is in office

i hope all your American pride swells if
the Gulf of Mexico is called the Gulf of America

i hope you return to a replenished retirement when
47 is in office

i hope all your weather grows more clement if
the US retreats from climate conversations

i hope you return to affordable flights when
47 is in office

i hope all your days are healthy if
Medicaid eligibility shrinks or ACA ceases to exist

i hope you return to a better economy when
47 is in office

i hope you return to a better economy when
47 is in office

i hope you return to a better economy when
47 is in office

01/11/25

Inspired by 50 Happens.

Monday Notes: When 47 Is in OfficeMonday Notes: Processing 2024Other People’s Quotes: Christmas EditionReflections on 12 Months of Maintaining the Christmas Spirit12 Ways to Maintain the Christmas Spirit AFTER Christmas (10 and 11)

Monday Notes: Processing 2024

As I age, I’ve realized that there are more ways to reflect on a year than to recount a laundry list of achievements. Instead, I’m considering the deeper meaning of experiences. At the end of this year, here’s what I want to share.

2024 began with a woman inviting me to speak at a women’s retreat and then disinviting me. Can y’all imagine? That was a first. Not only was I removed from the roster, but she also had her event coordinator do the deed! I haven’t spoken to her since. Back in the day, when my abandonment issues drove the bus, this would have been an opportunity for me to ruminate on all the ways I’ve been rejected. This time, I released it a little quicker. As a matter of fact, in the time that it took for these events to occur, I was introduced to another person: Tarcia Smith, host of The Adoption Journey Podcast.

Tarcia and I met virtually in February. Shortly after our first recording, we became fast friends. We live two hours away in the same state, and in less than one year, we’ve made time to visit each other seven times. Tarcia and I also traveled to Chicago, where I interviewed her for her podcast’s one-year anniversary. Later, she and I planned an event called Black Adoptees Meetup, which took place in Atlanta in October. And that podcast we did? Well, the Instagram reel is still going viral. As of today, the reel has had 220,000 views, 4,000 likes, 468 shares, and 403 saves.

But the lesson for me is beyond numbers.

I’ve learned that what’s for me is for me. When that’s the case, you don’t have to force anything. Life flows. Clearly, the women’s retreat wasn’t aligned with who I am, and I didn’t need to take the lady’s rescinded invite personally. Being introduced to Tarcia, though? That was for me on a personal and professional level. This woman has not only become a business partner, but she is also a person with whom I can confide in and laugh.

As many of you know, I completed a month-long residency in Pittsburgh in June. For four weeks, I lived in an apartment with a woman from Laredo and a man from Uganda. It sounds like a strange set up, but I wouldn’t trade this experience for anything. Apart from a couple of random girls in undergrad, my husband is the only person I’ve lived with for any significant length of time. It was cool getting to know these two people and co-creating a household rhythm. Because they’re both artists, there was an implicit understanding of when we wanted to be social and when we wanted to be left alone. This also reinforced something I’ve grown to accept about myself—I need quite a bit of space. I enjoyed making up a day that was solely for me and no one else. Though I’d learned these two things in 2022 during Monson Arts residency, this time I took it to heart and reflected on how I could make this type of life sustainable.

In November, I hung out with my childhood friends, Mika and Tim in El Paso. You may recall both names from my memoir. In the past, social mores, would have precluded me from taking a trip like this. For example, I wondered what people would think if they saw photos of me without my husband. I wondered what my husband would think about Tim and I sleeping at Mika’s house? What stories would people on social media concoct? Well, once I decided I didn’t care about any of that, I booked my flight. The three of us had a ball. We hadn’t hung out like that since high school, and it was like no time had passed. I loved being around these two friends because they were authentic, honest, and vulnerable—three things I value. We discussed heavy subjects, and then within minutes, switched to laughing about something light, like my belief in aliens. There was also very little judgement about personal morals or how we had chosen to live our lives over the last three decades. Reconvening with these two helped me to feel what type of friendships I’m willing to be a part of and which ones I can leave behind.

Finally, August, brought a major awakening that has required me to rethink how I plan to show up for myself as a woman who has fewer years ahead than behind. I won’t go into detail here, but I’ve labeled this new way of being: CHOOSING ONESELF. I’ll continue to maintain this blog because WordPress holds a special place in my heart. Here is where I’ve developed a sense of identity, community, and belonging. However, navigating a new phase requires a new space. On Substack, I’ll share curated anecdotes under a category aptly named: Choosing Oneself. Like, subscribe, and share if you feel so inclined. A documented journey begins in January.

2024 was amazing for me, and I want to hear how it was for you. As we look ahead, I hope 2025 brings each of you all that you desire and all that you need

Monday Notes: Processing 2024Other People’s Quotes: Christmas EditionReflections on 12 Months of Maintaining the Christmas Spirit12 Ways to Maintain the Christmas Spirit AFTER Christmas (10 and 11)12 Ways to Maintain the Christmas Spirit AFTER Christmas (9)

Other People’s Quotes: Christmas Edition

Reflections on 12 Months of Maintaining the Christmas Spirit

I will honor Christmas in my heart and try to keep it all year ~ Charles Dickens

For 12 months in 2017, I experimented with different ways to maintain the Christmas spirit, which I’ve defined as being of service to the community. To that end, giving back for 48 weeks helped me in ways I didn’t know it would. Volunteering helped to improve my core self. Here’s how:

Connecting with people felt intimate. Whether it was the children I tutored, or the men to whom I handed goodie bags, connecting in these ways felt more genuine than making small talk about someone’s day. Spending time with the Congolese student included more than just my supporting her literacy. It required my listening to stories about her older sisters. By the time they picked her up at the end of the hour, I felt as if I knew each one. Similarly, handing a stranger fruit and toiletries, and then having a 30-second conversation yielded a heartfelt exchange. There was no pretense in any of these situations; there was no need for either of these people to pretend to be anyone other than themselves. Consequently, there was no sifting for the truth in the moment. Each instance was authentic.

Giving symbolizes abundance. If I give something (time, money, attention) to someone else, that means that I possess time, money, and attention. I’ve mentioned this before. Many times in the past, I didn’t want to release that $1 because what if I need this dollar for fill-in-the-blank? This has been a solid lesson for me. The reality is we always have an abundance of everything if we do one of two things: (1) stop and take account of our excess or (2) shift our priorities. Most of us have careers and families; however, there are many ways to be of service that occur on the weekends, or allow you to bring children of all ages. It just takes a little research.

Caring about people in society added a dimension of compassion for me. It opened up a heart space that’s different from showing consideration for family and friends. Sometimes it’s easy to do things for friends and family because there’s still a bit of obligation there, plus you just want to. However, it takes an open heart to give time and energy to a seemingly random person you may never see again who is not labeled “family.” One thing that helped me from the onset is that I believe we’re all connected reflections of one another. Caring about so-called strangers reinforced that idea. You don’t have to be biologically related to me to receive care. We don’t have to have history for me to help out. This is a distinction that I think will shift how we relate to one another in general.

The 12 months of 2017 began as a “project” to determine how and if I could maintain “the Christmas spirit.” While I’ve learned the answer is yes, we can live like this all year, and I’ve discovered both unique and traditional ways to do so, I’ve also uncovered a way to consciously live in the world. We can’t care about all of society’s ills, but we can focus on one human issue and deliberately give our attention to it.

Today, I invite any thoughts.

Reflections on 12 Months of Maintaining the Christmas Spirit12 Ways to Maintain the Christmas Spirit AFTER Christmas (10 and 11)12 Ways to Maintain the Christmas Spirit AFTER Christmas (9)12 Ways to Maintain the Christmas Spirit AFTER Christmas (8)12 Ways to Maintain the Christmas Spirit AFTER Christmas (7)

12 Ways to Maintain the Christmas Spirit AFTER Christmas (10 and 11)

In 2017, I spent the year maintaining the Christmas spirit in different ways each week. I thought I would re-post this journey because we’re living in some weird-ass times, and I’m beginning to believe that, now more than ever, we will need to depend on ourselves and whatever sense of community we have left.

This year-long project really became a part of my being. I could tell because when Thanksgiving rolled around, I didn’t have the urge to do something nice for someone because I’d been of service the entire year. However, I did purchase a Barbie doll and give to Toys for Tots. This program runs from mid-November through December if you’re ever interested in giving. Toys can be dropped off at most Toys R Us.

A week later, when December 1st hit, I really hadn’t thought of a bang-up way to end the 12 months of service, so I combined two of the year’s ideas.

I began the month with a random act of kindness, and I have to tell you, it was quite natural. An older woman pulled up behind me in the grocery store line. She was in one of those motorized scooters with the baskets attached.

“Do you need help?” I asked.

I’ve learned to ask first because some people get super ornery if you assume they can’t do it themselves.

She kind of glanced up at me, and then said, “Actually, I do.”

I placed all of her groceries on the conveyor belt, and she was pleased. She thanked me over and over again, and told me how much easier that made her shopping.

Imagine that. One act that took less than two minutes made this woman’s day.

Next, I decided to end the year the same way I began it, at the Clara White Mission serving breakfast to those who need it. I’ve since learned that the people who frequent this mission are not always homeless. Sometimes they are newly released prisoners; other times they are simply people who can’t afford to eat.

Either way, I spent three December Mondays with them.

I wished there were some grand finale with fireworks or something, but I suppose the endgame is the internal transformation that has occurred, as well as the literal outward vibration of intending to add good to the world.

If you celebrate something during this holiday season, then Happy Holidays to you! If not, then I wish you well. I do hope 12 Ways to Maintain the Christmas Spirit AFTER Christmas has been an inspiration for each of you to contribute to society in some way.

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12 Ways to Maintain the Christmas Spirit AFTER Christmas (10 and 11)12 Ways to Maintain the Christmas Spirit AFTER Christmas (9)12 Ways to Maintain the Christmas Spirit AFTER Christmas (8)12 Ways to Maintain the Christmas Spirit AFTER Christmas (7)12 Ways to Maintain the Christmas Spirit AFTER Christmas (6)

12 Ways to Maintain the Christmas Spirit AFTER Christmas (9)

 
In 2017, I spent the year maintaining the Christmas spirit in different ways each week. I thought I would re-post this journey because we’re living in some weird-ass times, and I’m beginning to believe that, now more than ever, we will need to depend on ourselves and whatever sense of community we have left. What’s odd about this one is that I didn’t realize how connected I’d be to FSS in the future as an adult adoptee. Summer of 2023, I raised money for this organization during one of my book readings.

A couple of months prior to this one, I asked for service project suggestions. Although I received some great ideas, one stood out. Ann from Waking up on the Wrong Side of 50 mentioned collecting duffel bags for foster care children because they’re always in transition and rarely have luggage. First, I contacted a couple of friends to find out if they could point me in the direction of a foster care home specifically for children of color. They could not. That’s when I googled.

Through a simple search, I found Family Support Services of North Florida. Their community service liaison, Dani said they actually needed diapers. A light bulb literally went off over my head. For October, I decided to host a virtual diaper drive. I’d planned on buying a pack of diapers each week anyway, but it seemed that including others would be even more helpful.

I was surprised by the outcome. A friend of mine from Illinois immediately sent $15 through Messenger. I transferred the money and purchased my first box. Other friends ordered diapers through Amazon or Walmart and had them sent to my home. Another friend who lives here in Jacksonville physically dropped off a box. A few bloggers participated by also mailing them. Wanda is one. And Michelle was another. Four weeks later, I was able to deliver 2,212 diapers.

I am grateful that, together, we were able to support a baby or family in need. I know I said number seven (paying it forward) was my favorite one, but this diaper drive has replaced it. I really believe we need to encourage each other to be more giving in multiple ways. I hate to get all preachy, but a lot of times we expect someone else to help out or we think “help” has to be a grandiose idea. Or, we believe we have to join an organization to impact society in positive ways. Well, I’m here to say that support can be as simple as dropping off or sending a box of diapers at your local foster care home. If you don’t do it, then who will?

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