Heather Hansen's Blog, page 8

3 Tools to Be Your Own Best Advocate

If you want to succeed, no matter what you do, you need these 3 tools to be your own best advocate.  As AI continues to take over jobs, and technology continues to change the jobs that remain, your ability to advocate becomes more and more important. You want to advocate for your ideas, your team, your business and yourself. It’s no longer enough to have a good idea. You have to be able to communicate that idea, support it, and persuade others to get on board with that idea, with enthusiasm. You have to learn to advocate for for your big idea. And when you do, you will turn your clients, customers, investors and teammates into your advocates as well.

Advocating is a skill that I’ve honed and practiced in my work as a trial attorney for the past 20 years. I love to stand before a jury and advocate for my clients. It’s why I became a lawyer. But I soon realized that the biggest part of my job isn’t advocating for my clients. I have to teach them how to advocate for themselves. Because jurors don’t want to hear from me. They want to hear from the parties–the people who made the choices, did the things and had the ideas at issue in the case. My clients have to learn to advocate for themselves, their choices, and their ideas. And my job is to give them the tools to do that well. With these tools, some practice, and a real willingness to go all in, anyone can learn to become a better advocate.

Here are 3 tools that will help you be your own best advocate.

1-Know Your Jury: At trial I choose my jury by reviewing the jury questionnaires, asking the prospective jurors questions, listening closely to their answers, and reading their tone of voice and body language. I get to know them, and then I use that knowledge to advocate to them. You have your jury–your investors, your customers, your clients, your team members. Get to know them. Listen to them. Know how they talk, what ideas resonate with them, and what they love. The better you know your jury, the better you advocate.

2-Break the Curse: The Curse of Knowledge is the idea that you don’t know how to explain the things you know so well. It’s a huge problem in my trials. I’m a medical malpractice defense attorney. The doctors I represent know medical terms and procedures so well that they forget what it’s like not to know them. But I know my jury–and often they don’t know what a “vascular surgeon who performed an angiogram” is. If my client uses these words, the curse is real and we will lose. But if we start talking about the blood vessel doctor who took pictures of the blood vessels–we are on our way to a win. The first step in breaking the Curse is knowing that you have it. Then you can break it with the right choice of words.

3-Use What You’ve Got: Use all of it–eyes, ears, body, Advocating isn’t just choosing the right words. It’s also sharing them the right way. And I do mean share. This has to be a give and take. Speak, but listen. Move, but watch. Use your energy, and pay attention to others’. I work with my clients to use their tone of voice, facial expressions and body language but also to read others’. When they’re aware of the energy of the jury, the Judge and the attorneys in the room, they can use their own to advocate to win.

And so can you. Anyone can be a stronger advocate. Start with these three tools, and get to work. Your big idea needs you.

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You Are An Advocate. The One Way to Be the Best

You are an advocate. You publicly support your family, your ideas, and ideally yourself. And you have your “juries”, whether it’s your clients, your customers, your investors or your team. For over 20 years as a trial attorney I’ve given witnesses the tools to step into the witness box, turn to the jury, and advocate for themselves. The most important piece of advice I give is the reminder I whisper right before they walk to the stand to advocate–“Listen.”

It’s not what they expect. Whether I’m working with my clients as a trial attorney or my consulting clients who want to learn to advocate for their big ideas, they never want to focus on listening. When I’m sharing the tools to help my clients become better advocates, they always want to know the same thing. “What should I say?”

The what is up to them. For my sales or leadership clients, the what is their big idea, and they know it better than I do. And for my legal clients, it would be unethical for me to tell them what to say. Whenever I’m teaching someone to advocate to win, my job is to help them with the how. How can they share that big idea in a way that their jury will understand, appreciate and want to embrace? First we work on the message–how can we overcome the curse of knowledge, share the idea 7 times and 7 ways and tell a story that will win? Then we work on the messenger–their body language, tone of voice, and facial expressions. This is how my clients learn to advocate to win.

But none of that works if they don’t listen. My legal clients have to listen to the question. The worst witnesses are always those who don’t listen to the question, but instead tell the jury what they want to say. They lose credibility with the jury. It makes them seem confused, evasive and in the worst cases, arrogant. These witnesses are afraid they won’t get their chance to speak. They rush to tell their story and in the process make that story much less persuasive. But when they learn to listen, they realize that the questions can help them tell their story. The questions give them insight into the best way to tell the story. In the courtroom, listening to the questions is the only way to win. And the same is true outside the courtroom.

My consulting clients come to me to help them advocate for their big idea. Together we work on how to hone the message and how to ready the messenger. But it all begins with listening. If they can’t learn to listen, they won’t learn to advocate. They have to listen to their clients, their customers and their teams. They have to see that listening makes them powerful, and put as much work into listening as they do into speaking. When they’re willing to receive, what they have to give is so much more likely to resonate.

In the moments before one of my legal clients walks up to take the stand, puts his hands on the Bible and swears to tell the truth, I whisper–“just listen.” I then hold my breath to see whether they remember the work we’ve done on listening. They know how to listen with their ears, their eyes and their hearts. If they remember this knowledge, I know we’re that much closer to winning. If you remember to listen–to your clients, your customers, your team and your investors, you will get all you need to prepare your message and yourself to advocate for it. First you listen. Then you advocate. And then you win.

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How Does Your “Jury” Want to Feel?

When you advocate for your big idea, you need to consider how your jury (your clients, your customers, your team etc) wants to feel. Because if you can use words, questions, tone and body language to help your “jury” feel good, you will win.

Words make us feel, and feelings make us act. I saw that for myself when my boyfriend’s  word choice led to our breakup.  We’d been dating a few months when he started answering the phone by saying “Speak to me.” And it drove me crazy.

He claimed that he didn’t understand. What was my problem? I told him it made me feel bad. Then he offered to say “talk to me” instead. Of course, that was no better. When he answered the phone that way, he made me feel dismissed. He made me feel unimportant and rushed. And if he was trying to win my loyalty, attention or engagement–he lost. That was 20 years ago and while our relationship didn’t last, the lessons I learned did.

I learned that the words we choose matter. Every word you choose has an impact on the listener and how they feel. And if you are using words to advocate for your big idea, your team, or yourself, the listeners are your jury. They may be customers, clients, team members or partners, but they are the ones to decide whether you are going to get whatever it is your big idea needs. And how you make them feel will be key to your wins.

Jurors, customers, clients and teams make decisions based on emotions, because that is what humans do. Antonio Damasco is a professor of neuroscience at USC and he’s studied how humans make decisions. He studied patients with damage to the part of the brain that processed emotions. Those patients were not able to make decisions. They’d go on for hours, weighing all of the cognitive data involved in the decision but never able to actually decide. Neither available option won.

When you’re advocating for your big idea, you want your listener to choose your big idea.  And that means you have to make that choice feel good. Words help to make people feel good.

I used what I learned from that failed relationship when I became a trial attorney. Many attorneys put their clients on the stand and say “talk to the jury about your background and experience” or “speak to the jury about your background and experience”. But I remembered how that made me feel. I chose different words. “Speak with the jury about your background.” “Talk with the jury about your experience.” Did that choice of words contribute to all of my wins? We’ll never know, but it certainly didn’t hurt.

If your “jury” is going to make decisions based on how you make them feel, know how you want your jury to feel and then choose the words that help them feel that way. Choose your language (body language too!), your tone, your facial expressions and your energy intentionally. When you’re advocating to win funding, attention, loyalty or engagement, every word matters. Choose carefully when you’re speaking with your jury–and start adding up your wins.

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I Wish I Could Do It for You

I wish I could do it for you. I wish I could take your big idea, put it into my head, and use the tools of an advocate to get all that your big idea needs. I’d advocate to win support, attention, loyalty and engagement for your big idea.

But I wouldn’t just need your big idea. I’d also need all the time you’ve devoted to it. I would need all of the attention you’ve given it over the course of your life. I’d need the love and passion you have for your big idea. And I’d need your life experiences, that have contributed to your big idea. I’d need all of it. And I don’t have it. You do.

If I could do it for you, I would. But your big idea doesn’t need me to advocate for it. It needs you. You’ve given it your love, your time and your attention. Your big idea has your passion, your loyalty and your imagination. Give it your voice as well. Advocate to win what your big idea needs.

I can’t do it for you. But I can show you how. I work with people to show them how to use words, body language, tone and energy to advocate for their big ideas. Because the world needs your big idea, and your big idea needs you.

Reach out to me at heather@advocatetowin.com Together we will give your big idea what it needs–to win.

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Who Is Your Jury?

One of the first questions I ask my clients is “Who is your jury?” Because in order to be a good advocate, you have to know what you are advocating for. What do you want to win? It may be more sales, more attention, more loyalty, more engagement. Once we know what you are advocating for, then we have to know who you are advocating to. Who is your jury? Because if you want to win, you have to know and understand your jury. 

In the next few weeks I’ll be working with a number of different groups of people. First, I’m keynoting to a group of retired people. They want to win control over their healthcare and their finances, so their juries are doctors, nurses and insurance companies. Then I’m working with a group of young women who want to win promotions, raises, and respect. Their juries are their bosses and their colleagues. Next up–salespeople. Their juries are clients and customers, and they want to win sales. Finally, I’ll be working one on one with a CEO who wants to win funding from her investors and then support from Fortune 500 companies. So she has two juries–the investors and the CEOs and CHROs.

You have to know your jury, so you can create a case that will speak to them. In order to touch their hearts and win their support, attention, loyalty and engagement, you have to know what they want, what they need and what they like. Know your jury. Care about them, and understand that they decide whether you win or lose. Your jury gives you your win, and in the best cases you help them win as well. 

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Your Big Idea Needs You.

Your big idea needs you. It can’t speak for itself, it can’t communicate and it certainly can’t advocate. You can. And if you want your big idea to win–funding, support, attention, loyalty and engagement–you must start advocating to win.

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Want to Win? Stop Communicating and Start Advocating.

You have a big idea. If you want to win support, attention, loyalty and engagement for your big idea it’s time to stop communicating and start advocating.

Let’s talk about definitions. Communicating means to share ideas. (It also means to spread disease. No one wants that.) Advocating means to publicly support ideas. Your big idea needs you to be an advocate. When the stakes are high, communicating isn’t enough. You have to advocate to win.

There’s a time and a place for communicating. When I was a freshman at American University, they had a major called CLEG–Communications, Law, Economics and Government. I wanted to be a journalist, so studying Communications was perfect, because journalists should be sharing ideas. Though it might be hard to believe in today’s media landscape, journalists are not supposed to advocate for one side over another. Communicating works for journalists.

Then I decided I wanted to be a psychologist so I changed majors. I studied the mind, motivation and the roadblocks to winning that we put in our own way. I learned how to ask questions to learn, to teach, and to share. Because psychologists share ideas too, communicating works for them.

I’ve also been a teacher at Villanova Law School, and teachers communicate. I had to share my ideas with my students so they could use those ideas to become lawyers. And for those who wanted to become trial attorneys, they had to learn to use those ideas to advocate. Because a trial attorney’s client expects her to win. When you want to win, you don’t want a communicator. You want an advocate.

Sometimes your stakes are high. When you have a big idea and you need funding, attention, loyalty or engagement around that idea, you want to win. So advocate. 

For over 20 years I’ve been a trial attorney. I’ve advocated for my clients in the courtroom, and I’ve won awards for it. More importantly, I’ve taught my clients to advocate for themselves. Jurors don’t want to hear from me. They want to hear from the person accused of doing something wrong. And when my clients turn to the jury to tell their stories, it isn’t enough for them to communicate. They have to publicly support their choices, their actions, and their ideas. They must advocate.

And there are times you need to advocate too. When you want to win, you have to stand up, use your body, your voice and your energy to support your ideas. You need to go beyond telling stories and start choosing your tone and your words with the precision of a sniper. Advocating to win means using data as evidence, using your voice as a tool (and sometimes a weapon) and using questions to challenge, prove and win.

Here’s the best part of advocating–when you become good at it, you turn the people around you into your advocates as well. I turn my clients into advocates so they can support their story before the jury. They can overcome the curse of knowledge, share their ideas Seven Times and Seven Ways , and ask questions to win. If we do that well, we turn jurors into our advocates. When the jurors go back to deliberate, now we have people in the jury room advocating for our win. That is how we earn it.

You have a big idea. It needs you to win–funding, attention, loyalty, and the heart of your audience. When the stakes are high and it’s time to win, you have to stop communicating and start advocating.

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Win an Argument, Lose…..Everything?

I’m an unusual trial attorney. Most trial attorneys tell me they like to argue. Even if they don’t like it, they say it’s a necessary evil if they want to win. I disagree. The way I win my cases is the same way you can win sales, attention, loyalty and engagement. Don’t argue. Advocate. That’s how you make them believe.

Since I’m not usually the one engaged in an argument at trial, I can watch the jury when other attorneys are arguing. In my experience, they do one of two things. First, they laugh. My trials are catastrophic medical malpractice cases, and sometimes a moment of levity is welcome. Jurors often enjoy attorneys’ arguments because they are silly and entertaining. When two grown men are tattling on one another and asking the Judge to “make him stop”, it can be funny. I’ve seen many a juror hide a snicker behind her hand as two lawyers fight to the death over who gets to write on an exhibit.

Jurors also respond to attorneys’ arguments by getting frustrated and even angry. Jurors are taking time from their jobs, their lives, and their phones to pay attention to us and our cases. And when we waste that time with silly arguments that don’t move the case forward, jurors get mad.

I once heard someone say “win an argument, lose a sale”. While it was meant to apply to sales, attorneys are selling their case to the jury. And if they’re so busy winning an argument that they don’t realize they’ve alienated the jury, that sale and that case is lost.

My clients tend to see opposing counsel as an enemy. I work hard to show them that is wrong, and to help them identify and overcome the true enemy. Our enemy is misunderstanding. If the jury doesn’t understand the medicine, our explanation or our description of why my client did what she did, we lose. We overcome the enemy of misunderstanding by asking questions, building credibility, and persuading with evidence. Make them believe you. We overcome with advocacy.

And so do you. Whether you’re in sales, leadership, customer experience or real estate, the enemy isn’t your competition or the difficult employee. The enemy is misunderstanding. Don’t make them laugh at you and don’t make them mad at you. Make them believe you. That’s how you win.

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The One Thing Proven to Work Against Bullies

As we head back to school and work this fall, you should know there’s one thing that has been proven to work against bullies. It’s “bystander intervention”–otherwise known as advocacy.

I became an advocate in 4th grade. At the time I didn’t know that was what I was doing. But an advocate is “someone who publicly supports something”, and that’s what I did.

I went to Catholic school, and I was in a small class where the students had all known each other since 1st grade. But this year, there was a new girl in school. Anna was beautiful, and she looked and acted much older than the rest of us. She carried a purple purse that went over her shoulder, and she’d fling it on with a flip of her hair. The girls in my class were all immediately entranced with this girl who knew, said and did things we didn’t. Anna became the queen of the class, and everyone wanted her favor.

But she could be mean. And one day on the bus she was especially mean. There was a boy on our bus who was in 2nd grade and he was awkward. He talked too loud, said the wrong things and was often the butt of the jokes on the bus.

He was one of the last people to get on the bus, which meant that there weren’t many seats by the time he climbed those steep stairs and brushed past the driver. Every day he’d look around nervously, hoping to make it to an empty seat before anyone attacked. Whether he made it was a crapshoot though. On this day, he didn’t make it.

Anna must have been upset about something (hurt people hurt people) and she went too far. The boy hadn’t even taken his seat before she made fun of his looks, his lisp and his love of science fiction. She went deep. And yet I still didn’t speak up. Anna’s cruelty wasn’t what made me an advocate that day. It was the eye contact. Just as another barb hit this young boy, I made eye contact with him. I saw the pain in his eyes and once I saw that pain, I couldn’t unsee it. So I had to speak.

“What are you doing?”

That’s all I could think to say. What was she doing? She was torturing this young boy. She was hurting him. And some part of me wanted to know if she knew that was what she was doing.

I remember quaking while I waited for her to respond. In my 4th grade mind everyone was looking at me in shock and disgust. I was terrified that Anna would turn her sharp tongue on me next.

“What do you mean what am I doing?”

“What are you doing? I’m just wondering.” It was all I could think to say.

Once again, eye contact was key here. Anna and I made eye contact, and something in that moment made her stop.

“Nothing.” And with that, she moved on to talking about what happened on Who’s the Boss? the night before.

Anna was being a bully. And bullying is a problem in the office just like it’s a problem on the school bus. Sexual harassment is a problem too, and they’re similar issues that could have the same solution. We need to learn to advocate for each other.

Because research shows it works. (It may be the only thing that does).   Studies show that bystander training is one of the few things that works to combat sexual harassment at work. And studies of school bullying show that when bystanders intervene, bullying stops within 10 seconds 57% of the time. When we advocate for each other, it works.

Bystander intervention is advocacy. When you speak up publicly in support of a victim, you are an advocate. And if you don’t know what to say, use the tools of a trial lawyer. Lawyers are also known as advocates. While many people believe a lawyer’s job is to argue, the best trial attorneys (the best advocates) do their job by asking questions. The majority of any trial is nothing more than questions and answers. We win by asking questions.

“What are you doing?”

“Nothing.” And with that it was over.

Everyone wins when we ask questions. The next time you’re faced with a situation where you should speak up, use your voice. Start with a question. Advocate for the people around you. It works, and the practice you get will make you even better at advocating for yourself.

 

 

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Two Queens in Queens

I’m a trial lawyer, and it’s my job to win. Every time I step into the courtroom I know that someone will leave a winner, and someone will lose. And I struggle with that part of my job. I cry easily, have a lot of empathy for others, and I believe very strongly in the power of compassion, collaboration and cooperation. But my job is a fight, and it often feels like war. I wrote my book, The Elegant Warrior-How to Win Life’s Trials Without Losing Yourself, to share ways to find a balance between the elegance of compassion and the aggression of war. I believe it is possible to win, and lose, with elegance. And I look every day for examples of people who do it well.

Naomi Osaka and Coco Gauff showed me the way. At this year’s U.S. Open, they were rivals on the court. Both young women stepped onto the tennis court armed for battle and ready to win. They fought with all they had. And then, when it was over, they collaborated. Naomi was elegant enough to ask Coco to share the post-match interview with her. And Coco was elegant enough to say yes, and share her disappointment with the crowd.

There aren’t many jobs where you publicly win or lose. Trial law and politics are two. Sports are another. But every day we all face challenges that feel like trials, and everyone of us fights our own inner war. The more we can follow the example of Naomi and Coco, the better off we will all be.

The ability to compete and then collaborate will improve our country. It will improve our corporations, our schools, and our families. And you can’t tell me it isn’t possible. I just saw two young women do it perfectly on a tennis court in Flushing, Queens.

I believe this kind of collaboration will take some change. The “male” way of winning isn’t the only way. We can be aggressive, brusque, assertive and strong and also empathetic, compassionate and nurturing. We can win, and then we can cry. And if you don’t believe me, watch Naomi and Coco.

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