Heather Hansen's Blog, page 7

You Can Choose Your Jury or You Can Convert Them

You can choose your jury, or you can convert them. You have a jury. They are your team members, your customers, your clients and your students. Ideally, you get to choose your jurors. When you choose your ideal customer, your ideal teammates or your ideal students, things are easier. They see things your way. You share a common perspective.

But sometimes you don’t get to choose. And sometime, even if you do choose, your jury doesn’t share your perspective. That’s when you have to advocate even harder. Because you can choose your jury, or you can convert them.

As a trial lawyer, I get to choose my juries. However, none of them share my clients’ perspectives. Every single juror in every one of my cases is a patient. They see things through a patient’s eyes and share a patient’s perspective. But in my twenty years of defending doctors in medical malpractice cases, not one of my jurors has been a doctor. That means I have to start advocating and convert these jurors. I have to help them see things through my perspective.

I do this with questions. On direct examination I ask questions that build my case, and on cross I use questions to challenge the other side. I use evidence of all kinds, in all kinds of ways. And I use my 7x7w system to share the evidence in a way that resonates. Then I also help my jury see my perspective by teaching my clients how to use their body language, tone of voice and energy.

And I do it with my 5 Cs of an Advocate-Connection, Compassion, Curiosity, Creativity and Credibility. You can do it too.

Choose your ideal jury when you can. It does make advocating easier. But when you can’t choose them, convert them. Help them see things your way. You can choose your jury, or you can convert them. Either way, you win.

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Credibility and Creativity Win

When it comes to advocating, credibility and creativity win. They are just 2 of the 5 Cs of an Advocate and they are powerful. One of my clients just called to tell me she used them to win a promotion and a raise.

This woman had read my book, The Elegant Warrior, and she wanted to start using her voice to advocate for herself and her ideas. She hired me to work with her, and we decided to focus on credibility and creativity. So we identified her “jury”–the people who would decide whether she’d get the promotion. Then we used my 7x7w process to create a message that would speak directly to that jury.

Next, we got to work on credibility. The root of the word credibility is belief, and she had to believe in herself first. So we set expectations and met them, and she made herself promises and kept them. And then we were off to the races. We used my Win/Lose/Weird formula to take the body of evidence available to her and use it to credibly argue for the promotion and the raise.

And she got it. She just called me, over the moon with excitement. She got the raise, and she got the promotion. What she also got is more confidence in herself. She got more permission to advocate for herself, and more validation that no one could do it better than she could. She advocated, and she won. Because credibility and creativity win.

You can do the same. Call me if you want to get started.

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Change Minds in 2020

If you want to change minds in 2020, change what people see. And you do want to change minds. You might want to change your client’s mind so she hires you. It might be your customer’s mind so he buys more of your product. You want to change your kids’ minds, your friends’, your teammates’ minds. You might even want to change your own mind. And the key to changing minds is simple. Change what they see and you will change minds in 2020.

What you see is what you get. So if you can change what a person sees, you can change what you get. Many of us believe that it all starts with thinking. But seeing comes before thinking. Michaelangelo described the process of creating his most famous work of art, David, this way “I saw the angel in the marble and I carved until I set him free.”He didn’t say he thought about the angel. He didn’t say he acted and the angel appeared. Michaelangelo saw–and what he saw, he got.

I see this all the time in the courtroom. When the jury walks into the courtroom, they often seen an injured patient. I have to help them see something else–the doctor’s compassion, humanity or attention to detail-in order to win. And I saw my way to a 100 pound weight loss when I was 18. Instead of seeing the process of losing weight as a struggle and a time of deprivation, I saw it as a way to feel proud every day. And suddenly, I was proud. What you see is what you get.

Decide what you want in 2020. What do you need to see in order to get it? You see, then you think, feel, act and then you get. Don’t forget about seeing. It’s the secret to getting everything you want. It doesn’t matter if it is your client’s mind, your customer’s or your own–if you want to change minds in 2020, change what you see.

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Learn to Say “No”

A big part of advocating in the courtroom is learning how to say “No”. In order to keep the focus on your case, you have to make choices. You have to say no to a weaker argument, a less credible piece of evidence, and to asking that additional question. The same is true when you’re advocating for your big ideas. Your jury of clients, customers and team members only have so much time and so much bandwidth. Every time you say “No” to the irrelevant you’re saying “Yes” for the argument, evidence or question you want them to embrace. So when you learn to say “No”, you’re better able to advocate to win.

Many of us have haven’t yet really learned to say “No”. We aren’t great at setting boundaries. It’s not easy. In Chapter 20 of my book, The Elegant Warrior, I talk about Learning to Object. Learning to object is really just learning to say “No”. In the courtroom, I had to be able to object. So I did it for my clients and for my case. But it took time before I could really learn to object without waiting for permission or looking for validation, both inside and outside the courtroom. It took time for me to build confidence in my objections, and in my “No”. But learning to object, and to say “No”, makes me a better advocate in the courtroom and in life.

It will make you a better advocate too. . In my podcast, The Elegant Warrior, I ask my guests what book helps them maintain their elegance. Indrani Goradia chose the wonderful book The Power of a Positive No. It has changed the way I look at saying “No”, and that has changed my ability to say it. (When you change your perspective, you change your life).

In The Power of a Positive No, William Ury helps the reader see the No as a Yes. Whenever you say “No” to someone or something, you are saying “Yes” to something else. And sometimes you have to say “No” to someone else to say “Yes” to yourself.

Ury explains it in a way that stuck with me. He says ‘you can stand on your feet without standing on their toes’. I always say there are two ways to have the biggest building in town–build your own or knock down everyone else’s. When we start seeing saying “No” as building our own building and not knocking down anyone else’s, we may be able to say “No” more often, with more confidence and clarity.

When I started advocating in the courtroom, I had to learn to object in order to keep the case focused and exclude the irrelevant evidence. The jury didn’t have time for every argument and every piece of evidence. If I wanted to include the information that best served my case, I had to say no to the rest. And so do you. Say “yes” to what serves you and then say “no” to the rest. Learning to say “No” is yet another way you can advocate to win.

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Every Trial Comes to an End

“This will never end.” You know the feeling. When the ‘this’ is something that hurts,  those four words are the verbalization of despair. When you can’t see an end to any type of pain, hope can be hard to find. I’ve felt this way. What human hasn’t?But one thing I’ve learned as a trial lawyer is that ALL trials come to an end.

Let me prove my case. I’ll start with the trials that make up my professional life, the trials we fight in the courtroom. They’re hard. I love my job, I’ve had great fun, but the truth is that trials are one of the most difficult things a person can face. At their worst, trials are an exercise in uncertainty, isolation, and constant confrontation.When I read that trials can actually be mores stressful than the underlying event that brought the parties to court, I wasn’t surprised. I’ve seen two people have heart attacks in the courtroom. I know what trials can do.

And I’ve experienced that stress myself. I’ve tried really tough cases with difficult adversaries, impatient judges and demanding clients. There have been days I’ve felt my trial would never end. I couldn’t see past the sleepless nights laid out before me as far as my eyes could see, and the countless days filled with arguments and objections. But when I look at the evidence, I recognize that every trial in every courtroom in every county has ended. 

Sometimes that ending is the beginning of a different kind of trial. Each time a trial ends one side loses, facing public rejection in the form of a jury standing up and saying, “You lose. I reject your side and your story.” Studies show that rejection causes physical pain (and anyone who’s every had a breakup knows those studies are right). I even know some trial attorneys who take Tylenol on days they expect verdicts. Pain is pain.

Unfortunately, those feelings of rejection can be stronger adversaries than any opposing lawyer. And the battle we fight to overcome feelings, to get up and try again, is a harder trial than any in the courtroom. Feelings just don’t end the same way that trials do. They take longer, and their end is more of a transformation. Feelings like rejection, grief and sadness ebb and flow like the tides.  The pain comes, but so too does the relief, often staying for just long enough for you to catch your breath before facing another, different onslaught of feelings. But that break IS an ending. It gives you the time to collect yourself, gathering pieces of wisdom the pain has left behind as evidence that you can fight the next trial and win.  When it comes to feelings, some days as long as you’re  still standing you’ve won. 

Every time I step into the courtroom, I face a new trial. And ever trial has made me a better lawyer, better prepared for the next one. Our life trials are making us better too. If you’re going through a trial, I submit to you that the evidence is clear. Don’t despair. Every trial comes to an end. 

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Choose the Roller Coaster

Are you the type of person who will choose the roller coaster, or do you go for the Tilt-a-Whirl? I always go for the roller coaster. The Tilt-a-Whirl makes me sick, and I love the ups and downs and the speed of the roller coaster. And just like I choose the roller coaster, I also choose a life that is full of ups and downs.

My family often teases me for choosing work, adventures and relationships that have very high highs, but also have very low lows. But I always say “No trials, no triumph.” Just like you can’t be triumphant in the courtroom if you don’t go through the trial, you can’t get that feeling of triumph in life without going through the trials of life.

But the triumphs aren’t the only reason to choose the trials. The trial itself makes you better. Every time you go through one, you get better. In fact, the trials that test you the most are the ones that make you the best. No trials, no triumph. And sometimes the triumph is simply getting through the trial, win or lose.

So remember that you always have a choice. Me, I choose the roller coaster. I love to see just how high I can go.

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2020: The Year of the Feminine-ist

A trial lawyer is a warrior, and for 20 years I’ve been a trial lawyer. I’ve been recognized as a Philadelphia Super Lawyer and one of the Top 50 Female Attorneys in the state of Pennsylvania. And I’ve been inducted into the American College of Trial Lawyers, composed of the “preeminent members of the Trial Bar of the United States and Canada”. I believe one of the reasons for my success is that I am a woman, and I am a feminine-ist.



Years ago, I walked into yet another deposition of yet another dying plaintiff. I represent doctors and hospitals in medical malpractice trials, and that means I have to ask questions of a lot of catastrophically injured patients. In this case, the patient was a woman who alleged that my doctor had failed to diagnose the cancer that was killing her. Before I walked into that room, I took a deep breath. I asked God to help me be connected, credible and compassionate. My greatest hope in my work as a trial lawyer is that even if I have to take a patient’s story, I will not take their dignity. I reminded myself of that. I asked to show my curiosity by being a good listener, to be humble and to be present. And I opened the door.



I was the one of three women in the room. All of the other lawyers were men. Trial attorneys are predominantly men so this was not unusual. The other women were the court reporter and the patient I was there to depose. As I settled in, I greeted the attorney for the patient and the other defendants. Medical malpractice lawyers are a relatively small group, and we know each other. The attorney for the patient spoke up.



“Heather, I’ve already told my client to watch out for you. I told her that you will smile at her and seem nice. You will listen closely, and ask caring and compassionate questions. I told her you’ll be patient and empathetic. But I reminded her not to be fooled, because you are not her friend.”



Well ok then. I wasn’t sure how to respond. I looked at the patient, smiled and said “I guess that’s a compliment?” And we began.



It is only now, over 10 years later, that I realize he was confused. Most trial attorneys approach depositions with aggression, anger and even arrogance. I’ve rarely had an attorney question my doctor with kindness and respect, and this attorney certainly hadn’t. This attorney was afraid. He was afraid that my compassion, empathy, humility and listening skills would be an advantage. And he was right. I attribute my success to those very qualities that are seen as most feminine.



We do see certain qualities as feminine. Some of my favorite research on this point was done by linguist Lena Boroditsky, who studied the way that Spanish and German speakers interpreted certain words. In Spain, the word “key” is a feminine noun, and in Germany it is a masculine noun. When researchers asked Spanish speakers to describe a key, they use words like “golden, intricate, lovely” but when German speakers are asked to describe a key they use words like “hard, heavy and useful”. The way we use language makes is clear that human beings attribute certain qualities to certain genders.



And the qualities that we see as feminine will be the qualities we need to succeed in business and in life this year. In my consulting work, I share the tools to allow people to advocate for themselves and their big ideas. And those tools are often thought of as feminine. Let’s start with humility. I believe humility is becoming a buzzword, like authenticity and vulnerability. I’ve recently heard a number of very successful, very driven and arguably arrogant men talking about that word. And I think humility is seen as a feminine quality. It means “freedom from arrogance” and the origin of that word is the earth, on the ground, and low. Historically, women have been seen as “lower” than men, and that may be why humility seems to come to us more easily. That’s an advantage. When you are free from arrogance, you can make connections. When you put yourself low, things flow to you. People share more, and when you ask a question with true humility you get a different answer than when you ask with arrogance. You get the answers you need.



Empathy is another quality that is traditionally seen as feminine. People have defined empathy in a number of ways, but for me it has a specific definition. I believe that perspective-taking is the ability to see things through another’s perspective. That skill is key to anyone’s success. But empathy is taking it one step further and feeling the way the other feels. It is harder, and I don’t think everyone is capable of it. But those who are will win. Empathy may be the single most important characteristic for a leader. Researchers believe that empathetic leaders who listen well will perform 40% higher in overall performance, coaching, engaging others, planning and organizing. Another point for the feminine.



Listening well, as mentioned above, is also a key to success. And women tend to be better listeners. This might be biological. A Cambridge study found that the part of the brain linked to emotions and the ability to listen was more prominent in women than in men. But that doesn’t mean listening skills can’t be learned. In my consulting practice I work with clients to listen with their eyes, their ears and their hearts. With focus and awareness anyone can become a better listener. I’ve always said that ultimately the best listener wins.



Another quality that will be an advantage in 2020 is compassion. In their book Compassionomics, The Revolutionary Scientific Evidence That Caring Makes a Difference, Drs Trzeciak and Mazzarelli make the case that compassion could be a wonder drug for the 21st century. They lay out hundreds of peer reviewed studies that show the ROI on compassion in medicine. And if compassion works when the stakes are life and death, I think it’s fair to assume it also works when the stakes are financial, social, and societal. Compassion has traditionally been seen as a feminine quality. In fact, the Dalai Lama has stated that he feels that women have more biological potential for compassion. But he’s wrong. Scientists have found that compassion is innate and instinctual for men and women. And I believe that all of these qualities that we see as feminine are innate and instinctual for all of us.



That’s where feminine-ism comes in. Because if you want to succeed in 2020, no matter your gender, you will want to focus on building and growing your feminine qualities. And a lot of women need help with this too, especially those who, like me, work in a predominantly male arena. Many of us have historically chosen to be more like men and to hide or bury their feminine qualities. When the word “feminine-ism” woke me from a sound sleep a few months ago, I immediately googled it to see whether others were talking about this. And I found this piece by Karen Salmansohn. She argues that women need to embrace their feminine side. Karen is right. But now we need to take it a little further.



Now both men and women need to be aware of the power of their feminine-ism. We all need to see that humility, empathy, compassion and the ability to listen well are the keys to a future where everyone wins. And we all need to work on honing those qualities.



I didn’t let that attorney’s statement at the beginning of his client’s deposition change the way I asked her questions. I looked her in the eye and abandoned all arrogance. I worked to see things the way she saw them, and then feel things the way she felt them. When she answered, I listened with my eyes, my ears, and my heart. I didn’t do it to win, nor did I do it because I’m a woman. I did it because I’m a human, even when I have to go to war.



After the deposition, I packed up my binders and glanced over at the injured patient. She looked at me, smiled and mouthed “Thank you.” Ultimately that case resolved. There was no winner, and there was no loser. (Although I could argue that my feminine-ism allowed her to become more amenable to settlement.) But that day, in that moment? She and I had both won.

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Change Perspectives, Change Lives

Change perspectives, change lives. When you communicate, you’re sharing perspectives, but when you’re advocating you’re changing them. You’re helping your jury–of clients, customers, team members, students, or family-to see the world differently. And when they do, their world changes.

But you can change your own world as well, and sometimes you must. The loudest jury, the toughest jury to convince, is often made up of the voices in our own heads. And when you can help those voices see things differently, your life changes. Perspective leads to thoughts, which leads to feelings, which lead to actions and ultimately the result is outcomes. So change your own perspective, change your life.

I’ve had two clients who did just that. The first, Catherine, wanted a promotion and a raise. She came to me because she wanted to advocate for herself to the “jury” of management professionals who would decide whether she got that job and that raise. Quickly I realized that before she could change her “jury’s” perspective, she had to change her own. Catherine had to see that she was confident enough, talented enough, and experienced enough to get that job and that raise. And once she changed her own perspective, the rest was easy. She changed her perspective, then she went to work on changing others’ perspectives, and ultimately she got that promotion. She changed her life.

Another client had to change her perspective when it came to bridges. She saw them as terrifying. This woman had a phobia of bridges that stopped her from crossing them, which held her back from the job she wanted and the relationships she wanted. But once we worked together to change her perspective and see bridges differently, she overcame that phobia and her entire life changed. Change perspectives, change lives.



You are an advocate. You have the power to change perspectives, and to make people see things differently. And you can start with yourself. As we start to approach 2020, decide how you will see your year. Decide how you will see your life. Decide to make 2020 the year you will see things with 20/20 vision, with a perspective that you’ve consciously chosen. In January I’ll be sharing specific tools that will help. You can change your perspective, and then you will change your life.

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Does Public Speaking Make You Nervous? Try This

Does public speaking make you nervous? I’m lucky. Public speaking doesn’t make me nervous. I’ve been trying cases in front of juries for 20 years, and now I am a keynote speaker, so speaking to large groups is second nature for me. In fact, when the time comes for me to stand up and speak, I start to get really excited. I can’t wait to share my tools and help the audience advocate for themselves and their big ideas.

But I have to be careful. Because excitement can sound like nervousness, and it can lead me to talk faster, and higher, than I want. Tone of voice is a huge piece of being a good advocate. In my work with my consulting and keynote clients, first we work on being sure they know their jury. Who are they and what do they want? Then we work on creating a message that speaks directly to that jury. Finally, we work on the messengers–the facial expressions, body language, energy and tone of voice they use to convey that message. And of all of these, tone of voice might be most important.

Your tone of voice has a huge impact on how your jury of clients, customers, team members or investors receives you. Did you know that voters prefer politicians whose voices have a deeper tone?   Speaking slowly, deliberately and in the appropriate tone will make a huge impact on how your message is received.

Many of my clients worry about this, as they think they can’t control their tone. But they do have some control. They can control their pace, their modulation, and their breath. All of these things impact tone. One good way to do this is to get present, and I use Jin Shin with my clients to make this happen. Jin Shin is an ancient Japanese healing art that uses holds on different parts of the body to impact certain energies.

I learned about Jin Shin at a spa, and when the practitioner told me that holding your thumb works to decrease worry and anxiety, I was sold. I sucked my thumb as a child, and I often find myself intuitively holding my thumb when I’m stressed. It just made sense. Since then, I’ve had the pleasure to work with Alexis Brink, the author of The Art of Jin Shin: The Japanese Practice of Healing With Your Fingertips. She can explain Jin Shin much better than I can, and did in a discussion we had on my podcast. For me, it slows my breathing, makes me aware, and gives me space between my excitement and my message.

When you want to advocate to win, you need to take every advantage available to you. Jin Shin is just one way you can hone the messenger and make sure your message hits home. Give it a try.

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Want to Win? Go Beyond Communicating and Become an Advocate

When you want to win–sales, attention, loyalty or engagement-you have to go beyond communicating and become an advocate. Communicating is sharing ideas. That’s great when you’re at therapy, chatting with friends or having dinner with your family. But advocating is publicly supporting your ideas. When you advocate, you’re a champion and a protector for your ideas. And that’s how you win. 

A client recently came to me after working with another consultant. She wanted to get funding for her big idea and that consultant had suggest that she “over-communicate”. He said people don’t hear you the first time you share your message, and he was right. But it’s not enough to just repeat yourself. In fact, my client found that her investors were getting annoyed when she repeated her message. She had to start advocating for it.

So I talked to her about my proprietary 7x7w process. I showed her some different ways she could share her message–with data, with story, with testimonials and even with her body language. Armed with the 7x7w system, as well as a new awareness of HOW she communicated, she became an advocate. And she won the funding she needed.

There’s nothing wrong with communicating. We do it every day. But when you want to win, you have to go beyond communicating and become an advocate. 

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