Heather Hansen's Blog, page 2

Stop Being Authentic

The world really doesn’t need your authenticity.

I know that’s not a popular opinion. People LOVE to talk about how all we have to do is “be ourselves”, and that authenticity is more important than ever in the face of AI and technology. The root of the word authentic is “be yourself, and that’s another thing people say you should do. Be yourself.

But which self should I be?

This week I finished the book The Creative Act: A Way of Being by Rick Rubin. I LOVED it. It’s so easy to read and applicable to everyone one of you. Because you are creating your life. Thus, you are a creative. Towards the end of the book (page 363) he says this about “being yourself”.

“The suggestion to be yourself may be too general to be of much use. There’s being yourself as an artist, being yourself with your family, being yourself at work, being yourself with friends, being yourself in times of crisis or times of peace, and being yourself for yourself, when by yourself.”

This resonates with me. I wrote The Elegant Warrior because sometimes I am elegant, and sometimes I am a warrior. They are both “myself”. They are both authentic. Therefore, striving to be myself or be authentic actually limits me, and it might limit you too.

Here are 3 beliefs about authenticity.

1. I believe it is better to be creative than authentic

Rubin’s book taught me a lot about creativity. It made me consider that we are constantly creating ourselves, who we are in the world and who we want to be. And that means we can create the self that we want to be in any given moment.

When I prepared witnesses to testify, I didn’t tell them to be authentic. They were authentically angry, scared, impatient and frustrated. No jury finds that compelling. Instead, I told them to be their best selves. If it was a surgeon, I’d encourage them to talk to the jury the way they talk to a confused patient. If it was a nurse, I asked them to be the way they’d be explaining something to a scared family. Creating your best self in the moment leads to more wins.

In my membership, The Self Advocacy School, we just did a session on Meditation. I wanted to share how meditation/mindfulness/noticing can make members better at asking for what they want and getting it. If they’re able to be present enough, in every moment, to create their best selves, they will be far more likely to get what they want. And it’s already working for them. (If you want to join us there, the doors to SAS are closing soon and when they re-open in the spring it will be at a higher price. But if you join now, you’ll get the Founding Member price.)

We can create our best selves. And that doesn’t mean waiting to be some perfect person in the future. Who is my best self in this moment? I can create that, here and now.

2. I believe that credibility is better than authenticity

If you want to be your own best advocate, you have to be credible. People need to believe you, believe in you and believe that you can help them. In my keynotes, coaching and in the SAS Membership I teach people how to build credibility. And I share one credibility multiplier. If you want to build credibility fast–OWN IT.

Own it when you are wrong. Own it when you don’t know something. Own it if you missed the mark, made a mistake. When you own your weaknesses, your credibility goes through the roof. This is especially true if you’re a leader. Owning your mistakes is a perfect combination of vulnerability and authenticity. It makes you credible.

It’s another way to choose to be your “best self” in the moment. And really, this is all about choices. When you choose to own your mistakes, you’re showing people that you won’t hide them. When you choose to say I don’t know, you’re showing people you won’t mislead them. That’s what leads to belief, and belief leads to trust.

Build credibility. It’s the foundation of almost all of your successes.

3. I believe in collecting experiences, and that as you do you will find so many more “best selves” you have yet to be

With time and experience I’ve come to believe that it may be that we’re meant to have more than one career. I know I am. I’ve been a lawyer, a TV anchor, an author and now a keynote speaker. I don’t think I’m done. And I also believe that we are meant to be many different selves.

I’ve been myself as a student, a teacher, an attorney and an author. I’ve been myself as a keynote speaker, a friend, a girlfriend, an aunt/sister/daughter. I’ve been my best elegant self and my best warrior self. And I am just getting started.

You have many different selves. If you embrace that, you can focus less on being authentic and focus more on being your best self in the moment. And with some mindfulness, that can come more and more easily.

The world doesn’t need your authenticity or for you to “be yourself”. The world needs your best self–whatever that means in the moment. Whether that’s broken down and crying in bed or shining brightly in a moment you’ve only dreamed of–it is always enough.

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Subscribe to Heather’s newsletter, connect with her on social media or purchase one of her books.

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Stop Being Authentic

The world really doesn’t need your authenticity.

I know that’s not a popular opinion. People LOVE to talk about how all we have to do is “be ourselves”, and that authenticity is more important than ever in the face of AI and technology. The root of the word authentic is “be yourself, and that’s another thing people say you should do. Be yourself.

But which self should I be?

This week I finished the book The Creative Act: A Way of Being by Rick Rubin. I LOVED it. It’s so easy to read and applicable to everyone one of you. Because you are creating your life. Thus, you are a creative. Towards the end of the book (page 363) he says this about “being yourself”.

“The suggestion to be yourself may be too general to be of much use. There’s being yourself as an artist, being yourself with your family, being yourself at work, being yourself with friends, being yourself in times of crisis or times of peace, and being yourself for yourself, when by yourself.”

This resonates with me. I wrote The Elegant Warrior because sometimes I am elegant, and sometimes I am a warrior. They are both “myself”. They are both authentic. Therefore, striving to be myself or be authentic actually limits me, and it might limit you too.

Here are 3 beliefs about authenticity.

1. I believe it is better to be creative than authentic

Rubin’s book taught me a lot about creativity. It made me consider that we are constantly creating ourselves, who we are in the world and who we want to be. And that means we can create the self that we want to be in any given moment.

When I prepared witnesses to testify, I didn’t tell them to be authentic. They were authentically angry, scared, impatient and frustrated. No jury finds that compelling. Instead, I told them to be their best selves. If it was a surgeon, I’d encourage them to talk to the jury the way they talk to a confused patient. If it was a nurse, I asked them to be the way they’d be explaining something to a scared family. Creating your best self in the moment leads to more wins.

In my membership, The Self Advocacy School, we just did a session on Meditation. I wanted to share how meditation/mindfulness/noticing can make members better at asking for what they want and getting it. If they’re able to be present enough, in every moment, to create their best selves, they will be far more likely to get what they want. And it’s already working for them. (If you want to join us there, the doors to SAS are closing soon and when they re-open in the spring it will be at a higher price. But if you join now, you’ll get the Founding Member price.)

We can create our best selves. And that doesn’t mean waiting to be some perfect person in the future. Who is my best self in this moment? I can create that, here and now.

2. I believe that credibility is better than authenticity

If you want to be your own best advocate, you have to be credible. People need to believe you, believe in you and believe that you can help them. In my keynotes, coaching and in the SAS Membership I teach people how to build credibility. And I share one credibility multiplier. If you want to build credibility fast–OWN IT.

Own it when you are wrong. Own it when you don’t know something. Own it if you missed the mark, made a mistake. When you own your weaknesses, your credibility goes through the roof. This is especially true if you’re a leader. Owning your mistakes is a perfect combination of vulnerability and authenticity. It makes you credible.

It’s another way to choose to be your “best self” in the moment. And really, this is all about choices. When you choose to own your mistakes, you’re showing people that you won’t hide them. When you choose to say I don’t know, you’re showing people you won’t mislead them. That’s what leads to belief, and belief leads to trust.

Build credibility. It’s the foundation of almost all of your successes.

3. I believe in collecting experiences, and that as you do you will find so many more “best selves” you have yet to be

With time and experience I’ve come to believe that it may be that we’re meant to have more than one career. I know I am. I’ve been a lawyer, a TV anchor, an author and now a keynote speaker. I don’t think I’m done. And I also believe that we are meant to be many different selves.

I’ve been myself as a student, a teacher, an attorney and an author. I’ve been myself as a keynote speaker, a friend, a girlfriend, an aunt/sister/daughter. I’ve been my best elegant self and my best warrior self. And I am just getting started.

You have many different selves. If you embrace that, you can focus less on being authentic and focus more on being your best self in the moment. And with some mindfulness, that can come more and more easily.

The world doesn’t need your authenticity or for you to “be yourself”. The world needs your best self–whatever that means in the moment. Whether that’s broken down and crying in bed or shining brightly in a moment you’ve only dreamed of–it is always enough.

Two Reasons You Aren’t Getting What You Want

I bet you don’t always get what you want. Me neither. Whether it’s professionally or personally, big things or small, there are things we want that we don’t get. And I know why.

There are two reasons we aren’t getting what we want. It’s one of two things. Either we don’t ask for what we want, or we don’t ask well.

When I don’t get what I want, one of these two things is to blame. I’m not asking or I’m not asking well. And when I recognized that these two things were standing in my way, I got to work getting them out of my way. That’s when my life changed. Now I ask for what I want, and I get it most of the time. And the people I coach are asking for what they want and getting it more often than they ever thought possible. I want to share how these two things may be standing in your way, and how you can overcome them.

1. YOU AREN’T ASKING

One of my clients came to me because she needed to advocate for herself at work. She was a consultant at a big firm, and from the outside she was strong, powerful and successful. But she struggled with asking for the raises and bonuses she deserved. For years prior to our work together she’d accepted what the managing partners had offered her at her reviews, and never asked for more. That had to end. We worked together for just three months, building her belief in herself and her ability to have her own back.. She already had the skills to ask well, but she had to start asking. After three months she went to her partners and made the case that she should be getting a raise and a bonus that fairly compensated her for the value she’d brought to the practice.

She asked and she received–a bonus that was twelve times the investment she’d made in working with me. She got a huge bonus. It was as if her partners were just waiting for her to ask, and they gave more than she thought possible–until she worked with me and built her belief.

You’ve got to ask in order to get. There are a number of reasons we don’t ask. First, we might not know what we want. If you don’t know what you want, then figure it out. You figure it out by choosing something, asking for it, getting it and seeing if you like it. If you like it, great. You got what you want. If not, choose something else. Ask for it. Repeat.

Way too often we think that we have one shot to pick the one thing to want. That’s wrong. The secret to getting what you want is often getting something close to what you want, and then continuing to move closer. Knowing what you want is like playing darts. You get closer to the bullseye with a little bit of practice.

The other reason we don’t ask is that we think people should just know what we want. I see this one a lot. Many people think they’re asking for what they want because they’re giving it. They’re using the Golden rule against themselves. They want their partner to offer to help when things are busy so they offer to help their partner when things are busy. They want their colleague to give them a hand with a pitch or a deck, so they offer to help their colleague with a pitch or a deck. This is nice. But it’s not asking. When we ask by implication, we’re not really asking for what we want. Instead, we’re asking the other person to be a mind reader. And then we get extra resentful because we’re giving so much without getting what we want in return. This isn’t fair to anyone. You have to ask out loud, using words like “I want”. You have to ask the person who can give it to you.

Finally, we don’t ask for what we want because we think it’s too much. Maybe you think what you want is impossible, or that you already have it pretty good so asking for more is greedy. My consultant client had both of these thoughts. She thought a big bonus was impossible, and she already made a great living. Maybe she should just be satisfied. She was wrong, and if you think you want too much then so are you. You came here to soak up every bit of joy, fun, and love available to you. When you ask for more it doesn’t take anything away from anyone else. It just makes you more joyful, fun and loving. And then the whole world benefits.

If you’re not asking for what you want, start. Today. Choose something you want without any pressure or drama. No decision is ever final, especially this one. You can always choose again so be light about it. Once you’ve chosen what you want, ask the person who can give it to you to give it to you. Ask out loud and ask well.

2. YOU AREN’T ASKING WELL

I’ve had some people say “If people aren’t asking for what they want, they’re too timid. I always ask for what I want. I’m very confident.”

But when we dig a little deeper, these people aren’t getting what they want either. In fact, they often struggle even more than the first group. This group is often asking for what they want, but asking poorly.

They’re demanding. They’re whining. When they ask for what they want they’re turning people off rather than turning them on.

There are a number of mistakes that people make when they ask for what they want. First, they’re too focused on their want. They know what they want, and they want it bad. In fact they’re so focused that they can’t see what the other person wants. They don’t realize that the best way to get what you want is to see it from the other person’s perspective. You have to see how you getting what you want helps the other person get what they want. That’s when they want to give it to you.

Take my consultant client. When she made it clear that she wanted fair compensation for the years she’d been overlooked for raises and bonuses, she saw the ask from her partners’ perspective. So she told them that when she felt recognized, valued and respected she’d be even more motivated to bring in new clients. She’d want to give even more to her mentees. And if she didn’t feel respected she’d have to weigh her options and consider whether this firm would be the right fit for her future. Her partners wanted her there, motivated and excited to work. They wanted what she wanted. So they gave it to her (and to themselves).

This is why it’s so important to know your jury. You have to see the world, and your ask, through the other person’s perspective. You have to see why it benefits them and get them excited to give it to you. This takes self awareness, deliberation and patience. But it works.

The other mistake people make is that they don’t ask clearly. I always say that confusion is the enemy. When you’re asking for what you want you need to be even more clear than you think is necessary. In the courtroom at the end of my case I’d stand in front of my jury with their verdict sheet in my hand. I’d show them exactly what I wanted them to mark on the sheet. I’d tell them exactly what I wanted them to do. If I was going to lose it wasn’t going to be because my jury was confused. And most of the time–I didn’t lose.

My consultant client was very clear on what she wanted. She’d done the math on what she thought was fair, and had evidence to back it up. That was a big part of our work together, and a big part of the reason she felt so comfortable asking for that raise. The evidence we’d compiled helped build her belief in her ask. When it came time to do the asking, she couldn’t have been more clear. And she told me it couldn’t have been easier.

If you’re not getting what you want, get to work. Start choosing something and asking for it, out loud and to the person who can give it to you. See the ask from their perspective, and speak to that perspective.

I do need to add one final thing. You aren’t going to get everything you want all at once. That wouldn’t be any fun, even if it sounds like it would. Would you want to eat all the cake, have all the sex, make all the money and buy all the cars today? I doubt it. You wouldn’t grow, and learn, and you wouldn’t have as much to celebrate if you just asked for it all today and got it all today. So I’m not promising that. What I am promising is that every time you ask well, you’ll get a little closer to everything you want. You’ll start to realize there are more things you want, or different things. And you’ll start to enjoy the wanting, the choosing and the asking.

You’ll start to believe, as I do, that maybe what you really want most is the fun of wanting, choosing and asking. The getting is just gravy.

Schedule A Call With Heather

Subscribe to Heather’s newsletter, connect with her on social media or purchase one of her books.

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Two Reasons You Aren’t Getting What You Want

I bet you don’t always get what you want. Me neither. Whether it’s professionally or personally, big things or small, there are things we want that we don’t get. And I know why.

There are two reasons we aren’t getting what we want. It’s one of two things. Either we don’t ask for what we want, or we don’t ask well.

When I don’t get what I want, one of these two things is to blame. I’m not asking or I’m not asking well. And when I recognized that these two things were standing in my way, I got to work getting them out of my way. That’s when my life changed. Now I ask for what I want, and I get it most of the time. And the people I coach are asking for what they want and getting it more often than they ever thought possible. I want to share how these two things may be standing in your way, and how you can overcome them.

1. YOU AREN’T ASKING

One of my clients came to me because she needed to advocate for herself at work. She was a consultant at a big firm, and from the outside she was strong, powerful and successful. But she struggled with asking for the raises and bonuses she deserved. For years prior to our work together she’d accepted what the managing partners had offered her at her reviews, and never asked for more. That had to end. We worked together for just three months, building her belief in herself and her ability to have her own back. She already had the skills to ask well, but she had to start asking. After three months she went to her partners and made the case that she should be getting a raise and a bonus that fairly compensated her for the value she’d brought to the practice.

She asked and she received–a bonus that was twelve times the investment she’d made in working with me. She got a huge bonus. It was as if her partners were just waiting for her to ask, and they gave more than she thought possible–until she worked with me and built her belief.

You’ve got to ask in order to get. There are a number of reasons we don’t ask. First, we might not know what we want. If you don’t know what you want, then figure it out. You figure it out by choosing something, asking for it, getting it and seeing if you like it. If you like it, great. You got what you want. If not, choose something else. Ask for it. Repeat.

Way too often we think that we have one shot to pick the one thing to want. That’s wrong. The secret to getting what you want is often getting something close to what you want, and then continuing to move closer. Knowing what you want is like playing darts. You get closer to the bullseye with a little bit of practice.

The other reason we don’t ask is that we think people should just know what we want. I see this one a lot. Many people think they’re asking for what they want because they’re giving it. They’re using the Golden rule against themselves. They want their partner to offer to help when things are busy so they offer to help their partner when things are busy. They want their colleague to give them a hand with a pitch or a deck, so they offer to help their colleague with a pitch or a deck. This is nice. But it’s not asking. When we ask by implication, we’re not really asking for what we want. Instead, we’re asking the other person to be a mind reader. And then we get extra resentful because we’re giving so much without getting what we want in return. This isn’t fair to anyone. You have to ask out loud, using words like “I want”. You have to ask the person who can give it to you.

Finally, we don’t ask for what we want because we think it’s too much. Maybe you think what you want is impossible, or that you already have it pretty good so asking for more is greedy. My consultant client had both of these thoughts. She thought a big bonus was impossible, and she already made a great living. Maybe she should just be satisfied. She was wrong, and if you think you want too much then so are you. You came here to soak up every bit of joy, fun, and love available to you. When you ask for more it doesn’t take anything away from anyone else. It just makes you more joyful, fun and loving. And then the whole world benefits.

If you’re not asking for what you want, start. Today. Choose something you want without any pressure or drama. No decision is ever final, especially this one. You can always choose again so be light about it. Once you’ve chosen what you want, ask the person who can give it to you to give it to you. Ask out loud and ask well.

2. YOU AREN’T ASKING WELL

I’ve had some people say “If people aren’t asking for what they want, they’re too timid. I always ask for what I want. I’m very confident.”

But when we dig a little deeper, these people aren’t getting what they want either. In fact, they often struggle even more than the first group. This group is often asking for what they want, but asking poorly.

They’re demanding. They’re whining. When they ask for what they want they’re turning people off rather than turning them on.

There are a number of mistakes that people make when they ask for what they want. First, they’re too focused on their want. They know what they want, and they want it bad. In fact they’re so focused that they can’t see what the other person wants. They don’t realize that the best way to get what you want is to see it from the other person’s perspective. You have to see how you getting what you want helps the other person get what they want. That’s when they want to give it to you.

Take my consultant client. When she made it clear that she wanted fair compensation for the years she’d been overlooked for raises and bonuses, she saw the ask from her partners’ perspective. So she told them that when she felt recognized, valued and respected she’d be even more motivated to bring in new clients. She’d want to give even more to her mentees. And if she didn’t feel respected she’d have to weigh her options and consider whether this firm would be the right fit for her future. Her partners wanted her there, motivated and excited to work. They wanted what she wanted. So they gave it to her (and to themselves).

This is why it’s so important to know your jury. You have to see the world, and your ask, through the other person’s perspective. You have to see why it benefits them and get them excited to give it to you. This takes self awareness, deliberation and patience. But it works.

The other mistake people make is that they don’t ask clearly. I always say that confusion is the enemy. When you’re asking for what you want you need to be even more clear than you think is necessary. In the courtroom at the end of my case I’d stand in front of my jury with their verdict sheet in my hand. I’d show them exactly what I wanted them to mark on the sheet. I’d tell them exactly what I wanted them to do. If I was going to lose it wasn’t going to be because my jury was confused. And most of the time–I didn’t lose.

My consultant client was very clear on what she wanted. She’d done the math on what she thought was fair, and had evidence to back it up. That was a big part of our work together, and a big part of the reason she felt so comfortable asking for that raise. The evidence we’d compiled helped build her belief in her ask. When it came time to do the asking, she couldn’t have been more clear. And she told me it couldn’t have been easier.

If you’re not getting what you want, get to work. Start choosing something and asking for it, out loud and to the person who can give it to you. See the ask from their perspective, and speak to that perspective.

I do need to add one final thing. You aren’t going to get everything you want all at once. That wouldn’t be any fun, even if it sounds like it would. Would you want to eat all the cake, have all the sex, make all the money and buy all the cars today? I doubt it. You wouldn’t grow, and learn, and you wouldn’t have as much to celebrate if you just asked for it all today and got it all today. So I’m not promising that. What I am promising is that every time you ask well, you’ll get a little closer to everything you want. You’ll start to realize there are more things you want, or different things. And you’ll start to enjoy the wanting, the choosing and the asking.

You’ll start to believe, as I do, that maybe what you really want most is the fun of wanting, choosing and asking. The getting is just gravy.

Schedule A Call With Heather

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How to Build Belief In Yourself – You’ve Got to Be an Advocate

Imagine this. A woman is about to stand trial for murder. The jury is sitting in the jury box, waiting to hear the case and choose. Guilty or not guilty? The prosecutor is seated at counsel table with binders and exhibits all around her. She’s prepared to make the case that this woman is guilty. She’s ready to help the jury believe in her case. But at the other table, where the other attorney would normally sit, the woman sits alone. No one is coming to make the case for her. No one will counter the stories, evidence and energy of belief that the prosecutor is going to present to the jury. The jury will really have no choice but to believe the prosecutor because no one is giving them another choice.

The woman is innocent.

She doesn’t have a chance to win though. No one is going to believe that she’s innocent if no one is making the case for her. Without an advocate, she is lost.

Sounds terrible, right? The scariest thing is that this very scenario goes on in your brain all the time. Every day you choose to believe a story that isn’t true, and it’s a story that hurts you. Every day you lose, simply because you refuse to advocate for another story. You’re not standing up to that negative voice. No one is making this case for you, your ideas and your potential. Enough is enough. It’s time for you to make the case for yourself, to yourself.

Ethan Kross is a Professor of Psychology and a researcher at the University of Michigan. He’s the author of the book Chatter, which shares the research around the voices in our head and how they lean towards the negative. He was kind enough to come on my podcast, The Elegant Warrior, and he shared the impact of negative self talk and the power of countering it with a positive voice.

Someone needs to make a case for that positive voice. That someone is you. You’ve got to be the advocate for your dreams, your ideas and your potential. With the right tools, you can help people believe in your ideas, your dreams and your potential. The people you will persuade and influence are your jury. They give you your wins. But you always have to start with yourself. Your Inner Jury is your first jury.

Your Inner Jury is the part of you that chooses what to believe. But for way too long, you’ve been letting the negative advocate in your head win because you haven’t even made a case for the positive advocate. That negative voice presents stories and evidence to support all of the terrible things that could happen. It shouts all of the reasons you can’t take that risk, make that leap or try that thing. That voice is usually wrong, but it doesn’t matter because you’re not giving yourself another choice.

I work with Fortune 500 companies, teaching teams how to build belief in their ideas, their products and their services. There are specific tools we lawyers use when we advocate and build belief in the courtroom. These proven tools can work for anyone, and they can be learned. The more you use them the better you get. They work on my clients’ Outer Jury – their clients, customers, investors and team members. And they work on your Inner Jury as well.

There are many tools I sharein my work, but one of the foundational methods is the SEE Technique™. When you change what a jury sees, you change what you get. Change their perspective, get more wins. Change your perspective, get more wins. The SEE Technique™ is how you change what people see.

The SEE Technique™ is simple. When you’re advocating for yourself, your ideas and your potential, you use:

1. Stories

Collect and create stories that support what you want your jury to believe. Know your jury well enough to share stories that will resonate with them. That may mean you choose different stories for different juries. And make sure you’re considering the stories the other side is using and countering them as often as possible.

2. Evidence

Collect and create evidence that supports your case. Evidence is data. Every jury wants to hear evidence different ways, so know your jury and how they like to hear and see the evidence. Present it in different ways that speak to different people. Don’t be afraid to play with the evidence.

3. Energy

Focus your energy on what you want to believe. Every advocate has doubts. When you work to disprove the other side, you have to be willing to see where they’re right. That can lead to doubt. But remind yourself regularly what you want to believe and why, and that energy of belief will be contagious. You can’t sell it if you dont’ buy it. Your energy has to make it clear that you buy it.

This SEE Technique™ works on all juries. It works best on your Inner Jury because you should know yourself better than anyone. One of the keys to being a strong advocate is knowing your jury. When you’re advocating to your Inner Jury, you know which stories are going to hit home. You know which evidence matters most to you, and how you’ll remember that evidence. And you’ll feel that energy of your own belief so thoroughly that the negative voice won’t stand a chance.

You’ve got to give yourself the opportunity to believe in yourself. When you’re presented with that negative voice in your head, your Inner Jury has to have a choice. The SEE Technique™ will allow you to start making the case for a different voice, a voice that will allow you to achieve your highest potential. If you don’t believe it, it’s hard to see it. But when you do, others follow.

Let’s go back to that woman on trial for murder. She’s about to lose her freedom, her life and her future. Everything she has and everything she’s dreamed of having is about to be on the other side of a prison door, all because there was no one to advocate for her. All she needed was an advocate.

You need an advocate, and it has to be you. No one can do it better because no one knows you better. No one knows your hopes, your dreams, your fears and your potential. You know what you’re capable of and what you can achieve. When you make the case for your potential, you’re far more likely to reach it. It’s time to take on that negative advocate. It’s time to advocate for what you want – and win.

Schedule A Call With Heather

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How to Build Belief In Yourself – You’ve Got to Be an Advocate

Imagine this. A woman is about to stand trial for murder. The jury is sitting in the jury box, waiting to hear the case and choose. Guilty or not guilty? The prosecutor is seated at counsel table with binders and exhibits all around her. She’s prepared to make the case that this woman is guilty. She’s ready to help the jury believe in her case. But at the other table, where the other attorney would normally sit, the woman sits alone. No one is coming to make the case for her. No one will counter the stories, evidence and energy of belief that the prosecutor is going to present to the jury. The jury will really have no choice but to believe the prosecutor because no one is giving them another choice.

The woman is innocent.

She doesn’t have a chance to win though. No one is going to believe that she’s innocent if no one is making the case for her. Without an advocate, she is lost.

Sounds terrible, right? The scariest thing is that this very scenario goes on in your brain all the time. Every day you choose to believe a story that isn’t true, and it’s a story that hurts you. Every day you lose, simply because you refuse to advocate for another story. You’re not standing up to that negative voice. No one is making this case for you, your ideas and your potential. Enough is enough. It’s time for you to make the case for yourself, to yourself.

Ethan Kross is a Professor of Psychology and a researcher at the University of Michigan. He’s the author of the book Chatter, which shares the research around the voices in our head and how they lean towards the negative. He was kind enough to come on my podcast, The Elegant Warrior, and he shared the impact of negative self talk and the power of countering it with a positive voice.

Someone needs to make a case for that positive voice. That someone is you. You’ve got to be the advocate for your dreams, your ideas and your potential. With the right tools, you can help people believe in your ideas, your dreams and your potential. The people you will persuade and influence are your jury. They give you your wins. But you always have to start with yourself. Your Inner Jury is your first jury.

Your Inner Jury is the part of you that chooses what to believe. But for way too long, you’ve been letting the negative advocate in your head win because you haven’t even made a case for the positive advocate. That negative voice presents stories and evidence to support all of the terrible things that could happen. It shouts all of the reasons you can’t take that risk, make that leap or try that thing. That voice is usually wrong, but it doesn’t matter because you’re not giving yourself another choice.

I work with Fortune 500 companies, teaching teams how to build belief in their ideas, their products and their services. There are specific tools we lawyers use when we advocate and build belief in the courtroom. These proven tools can work for anyone, and they can be learned. The more you use them the better you get. They work on my clients’ Outer Jury – their clients, customers, investors and team members. And they work on your Inner Jury as well.

There are many tools I sharein my work, but one of the foundational methods is the SEE Technique™. When you change what a jury sees, you change what you get. Change their perspective, get more wins. Change your perspective, get more wins. The SEE Technique™ is how you change what people see.

The SEE Technique™ is simple. When you’re advocating for yourself, your ideas and your potential, you use:

1. STORIES

Collect and create stories that support what you want your jury to believe. Know your jury well enough to share stories that will resonate with them. That may mean you choose different stories for different juries. And make sure you’re considering the stories the other side is using and countering them as often as possible.

2. EVIDENCE

Collect and create evidence that supports your case. Evidence is data. Every jury wants to hear evidence different ways, so know your jury and how they like to hear and see the evidence. Present it in different ways that speak to different people. Don’t be afraid to play with the evidence.

3. ENERGY

Focus your energy on what you want to believe. Every advocate has doubts. When you work to disprove the other side, you have to be willing to see where they’re right. That can lead to doubt. But remind yourself regularly what you want to believe and why, and that energy of belief will be contagious. You can’t sell it if you dont’ buy it. Your energy has to make it clear that you buy it.

This SEE Technique™ works on all juries. It works best on your Inner Jury because you should know yourself better than anyone. One of the keys to being a strong advocate is knowing your jury. When you’re advocating to your Inner Jury, you know which stories are going to hit home. You know which evidence matters most to you, and how you’ll remember that evidence. And you’ll feel that energy of your own belief so thoroughly that the negative voice won’t stand a chance.

You’ve got to give yourself the opportunity to believe in yourself. When you’re presented with that negative voice in your head, your Inner Jury has to have a choice. The SEE Technique™ will allow you to start making the case for a different voice, a voice that will allow you to achieve your highest potential. If you don’t believe it, it’s hard to see it. But when you do, others follow.

Let’s go back to that woman on trial for murder. She’s about to lose her freedom, her life and her future. Everything she has and everything she’s dreamed of having is about to be on the other side of a prison door, all because there was no one to advocate for her. All she needed was an advocate.

You need an advocate, and it has to be you. No one can do it better because no one knows you better. No one knows your hopes, your dreams, your fears and your potential. You know what you’re capable of and what you can achieve. When you make the case for your potential, you’re far more likely to reach it. It’s time to take on that negative advocate. It’s time to advocate for what you want – and win.

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You Can’t Sell It If You Don’t Buy It

It doesn’t matter what you’re selling. In the courtroom, I had to sell my case to a jury. It was impossible to help my jury believe in my case if my client and I didn’t believe. We couldn’t prove it until we believed it. My work was always to get my client and I in full belief first. Then we’d move on to the jury’s beliefs. That method–we believe, they believe–led to many wins in the courtroom.

Then I started my business and at the beginning I had many unsuccessful sales calls. I’d talk to someone about my keynote, my training or my coaching and never hear from them again. I struggled to understand what I was doing wrong. Others who didn’t have as much experience, education, training or passion were winning clients I knew I could serve more effectively. The problem wasn’t in my offering. It was in my belief. I was new to this world, and I wasn’t sure I was offering enough. I had doubts, so they had doubts. I had to get to work believing so that my potential clients could follow my lead. It was only after I focused on the work of building credibility with myself that I was able to build it with my clients. Then my business took off.

Your lack of belief is keeping you from your full potential too. You can’t prove yourself to others until you’ve proven yourself to you. When it comes to believing, you go first. I know it because I see it every day, especially with the women I coach. They don’t believe they’re enough, so they keep looking for more.

There was the woman who thought she needed another certification before she could ask for the raise. Or the woman who wanted to start a business but thought she needed to have a perfect website before she’d ask anyone to work with her. And perhaps saddest of all, the woman who thought she’d never find true love until she lost ten more pounds. These women didn’t ask for what they wanted because they thought they needed more first. How frustrating is that? They collected things they didn’t want because they were afraid to ask for what they did want.

These women didn’t need certifications, websites or diets. They needed to believe. We got to work helping them prove themselves to themselves. If they could build credibility with themselves and believe that they were enough and they had enough, the rest would follow. We used my Belief Triangle.™ You can use it too.

1. BELIEVE IN YOURSELF

You have to believe that your passion, your training, your experience and your talent has value. This doesn’t mean you’re perfect or that you can stop learning and improving. But time and time again I’ve found that my clients already have all the evidence they need to believe in themselves. They’re just too busy looking at what they could be missing that they don’t see what they have.

2. BELIEVE YOURSELF

You want to know that when you make yourself a promise, you keep it and when you set yourself an expectation, you meet it. So set that alarm, and don’t hit snooze. Write those 500 words you said you would. Get dressed in a way that makes you feel elegant and comfortable, even if you don’t have plans. Promises kept, expectations met. But the most important piece of believing yourself is owning it when you break a promise or don’t meet an expectation. We all miss the mark at times. Own it, learn from it, and plan for it so you can avoid repeating yourself. This is a credibility multiplier.

3. BELIEVE YOU CAN HELP YOU

Finally, and most powerfully, you have to believe that you can and will take care of yourself. You have to know you have your own back. No one else knows your wants, your needs, your passions and your dreams better than you do. No one else has your heart. So you have to be the one to help you. When you know that you can help yourself, your credibility with yourself skyrockets.

Once you’ve worked on the Belief Triangle™ with yourself, you can work on it with others. My clients have done this work and suddenly they were getting those promotions, those sales and those relationships that they wanted. These women were enough. They just needed to believe it.

In my book The Elegant Warrior there’s a chapter called “Don’t Fake It Until You Make It. Show It Until You Grow It.” When you prove yourself to yourself, you believe. When you show that belief, others believe. As a result, your belief grows. That’s what I want for you.

You can’t sell it if you don’t buy it, and you can’t prove it if you don’t believe it. Believe in yourself. Buy what you’re selling. Others will follow your lead.

Schedule A Call With Heather

Subscribe to Heather’s newsletter, connect with her on social media or purchase one of her books.

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You Can’t Sell It If You Don’t Buy It

It doesn’t matter what you’re selling. In the courtroom, I had to sell my case to a jury. It was impossible to help my jury believe in my case if my client and I didn’t believe. We couldn’t prove it until we believed it. My work was always to get my client and I in full belief first. Then we’d move on to the jury’s beliefs. That method–we believe, they believe–led to many wins in the courtroom.

Then I started my business and at the beginning I had many unsuccessful sales calls. I’d talk to someone about my keynote, my training or my coaching and never hear from them again. I struggled to understand what I was doing wrong. Others who didn’t have as much experience, education, training or passion were winning clients I knew I could serve more effectively. The problem wasn’t in my offering. It was in my belief. I was new to this world, and I wasn’t sure I was offering enough. I had doubts, so they had doubts. I had to get to work believing so that my potential clients could follow my lead. It was only after I focused on the work of building credibility with myself that I was able to build it with my clients. Then my business took off.

Your lack of belief is keeping you from your full potential too. You can’t prove yourself to others until you’ve proven yourself to you. When it comes to believing, you go first. I know it because I see it every day, especially with the women I coach. They don’t believe they’re enough, so they keep looking for more.

There was the woman who thought she needed another certification before she could ask for the raise. Or the woman who wanted to start a business but thought she needed to have a perfect website before she’d ask anyone to work with her. And perhaps saddest of all, the woman who thought she’d never find true love until she lost ten more pounds. These women didn’t ask for what they wanted because they thought they needed more first. How frustrating is that? They collected things they didn’t want because they were afraid to ask for what they did want.

These women didn’t need certifications, websites or diets. They needed to believe. We got to work helping them prove themselves to themselves. If they could build credibility with themselves and believe that they were enough and they had enough, the rest would follow. We used my Belief Triangle.™ You can use it too.

1. BELIEVE IN YOURSELF

You have to believe that your passion, your training, your experience and your talent has value. This doesn’t mean you’re perfect or that you can stop learning and improving. But time and time again I’ve found that my clients already have all the evidence they need to believe in themselves. They’re just too busy looking at what they could be missing that they don’t see what they have.

2. BELIEVE YOURSELF

You want to know that when you make yourself a promise, you keep it and when you set yourself an expectation, you meet it. So set that alarm, and don’t hit snooze. Write those 500 words you said you would. Get dressed in a way that makes you feel elegant and comfortable, even if you don’t have plans. Promises kept, expectations met. But the most important piece of believing yourself is owning it when you break a promise or don’t meet an expectation. We all miss the mark at times. Own it, learn from it, and plan for it so you can avoid repeating yourself. This is a credibility multiplier.

3. BELIEVE YOU CAN HELP YOU

Finally, and most powerfully, you have to believe that you can and will take care of yourself. You have to know you have your own back. No one else knows your wants, your needs, your passions and your dreams better than you do. No one else has your heart. So you have to be the one to help you. When you know that you can help yourself, your credibility with yourself skyrockets.

Once you’ve worked on the Belief Triangle™ with yourself, you can work on it with others. My clients have done this work and suddenly they were getting those promotions, those sales and those relationships that they wanted. These women were enough. They just needed to believe it.

In my book The Elegant Warrior there’s a chapter called “Don’t Fake It Until You Make It. Show It Until You Grow It.” When you prove yourself to yourself, you believe. When you show that belief, others believe. As a result, your belief grows. That’s what I want for you.

You can’t sell it if you don’t buy it, and you can’t prove it if you don’t believe it. Believe in yourself. Buy what you’re selling. Others will follow your lead.

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#selfadvocacy #selfconfidence #selfhelp

This Is Better Than Confidence – Why We Need to Stop Looking for Confidence and Start Believing

When I was in grammar school, we had to diagram sentences in English class. We were asked to identify the noun, the verb, and the various modifiers (adverbs, adjectives, etc) in each sentence. At the very least, each sentence had a noun and a verb, an action and a “doer” of the action.

She worked.

He ran.

They moved.

As someone who loved words, I liked this exercise. I loved looking for verbs. I liked action words, and wanted to read, write and hear about characters who took action. The action was where the power was. I wanted to be active, moving, making things happen. I’ve always wanted to be the doer.

Then I hit high school, and started to doubt my actions. What if people didn’t like what I did? What if they objected? How would my action be received? When I expressed these doubts, people told me I needed more confidence. But confidence was a noun. I didn’t know where or how to get it. . No one could point me to a place to buy it or a person who would give it to me. I looked in books, courses, and majored in psychology to find this thing that was so important, especially for women. It was nowhere to be found.

Then I decided to take back my power. Rather than searching for a thing, I’d take action and do a thing. Confidence was a noun I may never find, but believing was a verb I could practice. I decided to believe.

‘Believe’ is a verb, and verbs are skills you can learn, practice and improve. I could learn, practice, and improve my ability to believe. I had some control. So I went to work. When I was in college I started getting better at believing. I’d decide what I wanted to believe and I’d practice. But I didn’t have a system for getting better at believing until I became a lawyer. In the courtroom it was my job to help juries believe what I needed them to believe. After a few years of honing that skill, I had an epiphany. If I could help a jury believe, I could use the same tools to help myself.

I came up with a simple five part system to get better at believing.
1-Ask myself what I wanted to believe.
2-Ask myself what stories I had that would help me believe that thing.
3-Ask myself what evidence (data) I had that would help me believe that thing.
4-Collect and create more stories and evidence if I need them.
5-Make the case for the thing I wanted to believe.

It worked. This process has helped me believe my way into becoming a partner at my law firm and one of the Top 50 female attorneys in Pennsylvania. It’s helped me believe my way into appearing on TV shows like The Today Show, The Dr Oz Show, The Dr Phil Show, and networks like CNN, Fox News Channel and MSNBC. I believed my way into writing two books, one of which was an Amazon bestseller, and starting a popular podcast, The Elegant Warrior. I believed I could start a business where I help teams and individuals use the tools of a trial attorney to help their clients, customers, teams and stakeholders believe, and I did. As I got better at believing, I collected more wins.

Learning to believe was fun. Believing was a skill I could practice and ultimately master. And it wasn’t as dangerous as confidence can be.

We’re discovering that confidence is a loaded concept, especially for women. In a recent study, researchers found that 33 out of 36 senior female leaders raised confidence, or lack thereof, as something that got in the way of their success at work. The same study found that for women the focus on confidence was linked to self-criticism, self doubt, and overall poorer mental health. Researchers further concluded that the focus on confidence doesn’t always allow for humility and vulnerability, which are equally as important in some work settings.

Confidence is a thing, and not necessarily a good thing. Some may have it, some may not. But believing is something we can do to get all of the things we want and need. Believing is an action like working, running, and moving. It’s an action anyone can learn, practice and master.

‘I believe.’ That’s a sentence that gets things done.

Schedule A Call With Heather

Subscribe to Heather’s newsletter, connect with her on social media or purchase one of her books.

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This Is Better Than Confidence – Why We Need to Stop Looking for Confidence and Start Believin

When I was in grammar school, we had to diagram sentences in English class. We were asked to identify the noun, the verb, and the various modifiers (adverbs, adjectives, etc) in each sentence. At the very least, each sentence had a noun and a verb, an action and a “doer” of the action.

She worked.

He ran.

They moved.

As someone who loved words, I liked this exercise. I loved looking for verbs. I liked action words, and wanted to read, write and hear about characters who took action. The action was where the power was. I wanted to be active, moving, making things happen. I’ve always wanted to be the doer.

Then I hit high school, and started to doubt my actions. What if people didn’t like what I did? What if they objected? How would my action be received? When I expressed these doubts, people told me I needed more confidence. But confidence was a noun. I didn’t know where or how to get it. . No one could point me to a place to buy it or a person who would give it to me. I looked in books, courses, and majored in psychology to find this thing that was so important, especially for women. It was nowhere to be found.

Then I decided to take back my power. Rather than searching for a thing, I’d take action and do a thing. Confidence was a noun I may never find, but believing was a verb I could practice. I decided to believe.

‘Believe’ is a verb, and verbs are skills you can learn, practice and improve. I could learn, practice, and improve my ability to believe. I had some control. So I went to work. When I was in college I started getting better at believing. I’d decide what I wanted to believe and I’d practice. But I didn’t have a system for getting better at believing until I became a lawyer. In the courtroom it was my job to help juries believe what I needed them to believe. After a few years of honing that skill, I had an epiphany. If I could help a jury believe, I could use the same tools to help myself.

I came up with a simple five part system to get better at believing.1-Ask myself what I wanted to believe.2-Ask myself what stories I had that would help me believe that thing.3-Ask myself what evidence (data) I had that would help me believe that thing.4-Collect and create more stories and evidence if I need them.5-Make the case for the thing I wanted to believe.

It worked. This process has helped me believe my way into becoming a partner at my law firm and one of the Top 50 female attorneys in Pennsylvania. It’s helped me believe my way into appearing on TV shows like The Today Show, The Dr Oz Show, The Dr Phil Show, and networks like CNN, Fox News Channel and MSNBC. I believed my way into writing two books, one of which was an Amazon bestseller, and starting a popular podcast, The Elegant Warrior. I believed I could start a business where I help teams and individuals use the tools of a trial attorney to help their clients, customers, teams and stakeholders believe, and I did. As I got better at believing, I collected more wins.

Learning to believe was fun. Believing was a skill I could practice and ultimately master. And it wasn’t as dangerous as confidence can be.

We’re discovering that confidence is a loaded concept, especially for women. In a recent study, researchers found that 33 out of 36 senior female leaders raised confidence, or lack thereof, as something that got in the way of their success at work. The same study found that for women the focus on confidence was linked to self-criticism, self doubt, and overall poorer mental health. Researchers further concluded that the focus on confidence doesn’t always allow for humility and vulnerability, which are equally as important in some work settings.

Confidence is a thing, and not necessarily a good thing. Some may have it, some may not. But believing is something we can do to get all of the things we want and need. Believing is an action like working, running, and moving. It’s an action anyone can learn, practice and master.

‘I believe.’ That’s a sentence that gets things done.

Schedule A Call With Heather

Subscribe to Heather’s newsletter, connect with her on social media or purchase one of her books.

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LinkedIn

Facebook

Twitter

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#credibility #leadership #selfconfidence