Heather Hansen's Blog, page 3

Leaders Need More Doubt – Integrity Isn’t Enough Without Discernment

George Santos won a seat in Congress

Elizabeth Holmes raised $945 million, including money from famous and powerful leaders

Charlie Javis “conned” JPMorgan into buying her company for $175 million

Anna Sorokin “scammed” New York city banks and hotels out of over $200,000

How do so many smart and savvy leaders become the victims of deception, and why does it matter? It matters because a leader’s job is to protect their stakeholders, their board, their employees and their money. In order to do their jobs, leaders need to learn to embrace and use their doubt.

Bill George recently wrote a wonderful piece for the Harvard Business School Working Knowledge publication asking “Have We Lost Sight of Integrity?” He argues that “leaders need to have integrity so that we can all agree on the truth”. He’s right that leaders must have integrity. But integrity must be balanced with doubt about others and their integrity. It’s not enough to tell the truth. Leaders must also be able to discern who’s lying. They need to know who to doubt, and what to do with that doubt.

Michael Smets, Professor or Management at Said Business School at the University of Oxford, has been an advocate for the power of self doubt. In his 2015 CEO Report: Embracing the Paradoxes of Leadership and the Power of Doubt, he argues that leaders should embrace doubt as a positive state. More recently, he’s said that “the better they doubt themselves in the decision making process, the more confidence they have in the outcome.” Smets’ work is focused on leaders admitting that they don’t know the answers, and this type of doubt is vital to build credibility. But leaders also have to admit that they have doubts about others in order to discern whether they’re being deceived.

For twenty years it was my job to capitalize on doubt. As a trial attorney, I made the jury doubt my opponent’s case and believe mine. I used doubt to win. I tapped into my psychology degree, my training and my experience to do so. Now I work with leaders and corporate partners, teaching them how to use the tools I used in the courtroom to make the case for their business, their teams, their ideas and themselves. One of those tools is doubt.

Here are three tools from the courtroom that leaders can learn to use their doubt and avoid being the victims of deception.

1. CURIOSITY

Ask questions. One of the most successful leaders I’ve ever coached learned to master questions in response to his doubts. When we first started working together, I was struck by his intuitive discernment. He’d hear something from a colleague or potential partner and he’d say “That doesn’t sound right to me.” His intuition was strong, and he knew what doubt was. He felt it in his gut.

But this leader didn’t always know what to do with his doubt. Just saying that something “doesn’t sound right to me” wasn’t enough to influence his board or his team. He had to go further, slow down and use curiosity to ask questions exploring the bases of his doubt. He had to get curious about it.

You’ll become a better leader if you get curious about your doubts. First, anytime you hear a pitch, a story or an explanation for a problem ask yourself “Does this sound right to me?” If not, ask yourself why. Why doesn’t this sound right to me? What about this sounds off, impossible or unlikely? Get curious about where things might be off, and ask questions. With each answer, check in again. Does that sound right to me?

Another great question for leaders to ask is “what am I missing?” Look for where the pieces don’t fit, or where a piece is completely missing. Explore the idea from all perspectives, and be willing to include stories or explanations that don’t make sense to you at first. Curiosity often leads to confusion before it leads to clarity.

Finally, get curious about anyone who’s critical of the choice you’re considering. Don’t shut them out or ignore their “negativity”. Ask yourself “were the naysayers right?” That one question could help you see the situation from a different and much more thorough perspective.

2. EVIDENCE

One of the best ways to discern whether someone is telling the truth is to look for inconsistencies. But in order to find inconsistencies, you need evidence to weigh a story or a claim against. If you’re accepting one story at face value, you don’t have enough to see inconsistencies may exist. You need evidence. Part of using your doubt is collecting and creating evidence to test it. Leaders must learn to use evidence to cross examine the things they doubt.

George Santos made hosts of claims that could have been easily disproved with a dive into the evidence, or lack thereof. He claimed to have worked with Goldman Sachs and Citigroup. A Google search or a telephone call could have discovered whether there was any evidence to support that claim. He claimed he graduated from Barch College, owned thirteen properties and ran an animal rescue group as a 501(c)(3). If any of these claims were true there’d be easily discoverable evidence to support them. It seems no one looked. Not one fellow politician or constituent seems to have cross examined him and asked him to explain inconsistencies. It may have been because they didn’t have time. But look at all of the time they’re spending on Santos now.

One of the reasons leaders often fail to use evidence to support their doubt is their impatience. CEOs move fast, and they make decisions quickly. In fact, in a ten year study of CEOs researchers found one of the things that high-performing CEOs make decisions earlier, faster and with greater conviction. That may not seem to leave much room for doubt. But when the stakes are high and the decisions are almost impossible to reverse, what Jeff Bezos calls “one way doors”, it’s worth taking the time to collect and weigh the evidence. It’s worth using your doubt to feed that process because it could save you time, money and reputation in the long run.

Collecting evidence is also something a leader can delegate. Have a team member engage in due diligence and collect evidence before those big decisions. Use the evidence to look for inconsistencies between the evidence and the story you’ve been asked to believe. Use your curiosity to ask more questions about those inconsistencies. A belief is a story you repeat and back up with evidence. If the evidence isn’t there, the story hasn’t earned your belief.

3. WIN / LOSE/ WEIRD

When I tried cases, I used my doubt to win. Sometimes it made my clients nervous. When I’d prepare them for cross examination, I’d do a mock cross exam myself. I’d challenge them with all of my doubts and dive into all of the evidence to find more doubts to explore. They didn’t always like it. I’ve been called “Chicken Little” before trial. But that same client tearfully thanked me after the trial, when we not only won the case but he handled his cross examination like a master advocate. I felt I’d done my job when my mock cross exam was tougher than my opposing counsel’s. You can’t win unless you know all of the ways that you can lose.

That’s why leaders need to use the Win/Lose/Weird process. My training and coaching clients have embraced this process and used it to win huge investments, important sales and important elections. It’s a simple way to strengthen your doubt and let it serve you.

Try the Win/Lose/Weird process the next time you’re weighing a decision. As you’re looking at a situation, consider all of the ways you could win. Collect the evidence that supports your win, and tell stories about that evidence. Build your own energy of belief. Then, look at all of the ways you could lose. Look for evidence that supports your competitor, or supports the antithesis of your argument. Consider where the evidence you thought supported your win could also support a loss. Be ruthless. Finally, look at the weird. Get creative about all of the weird things that could happen to change the variables in your equation. A hopeful congressman could make up his resume. That’s weird. When you’re prepared for the weird, nothing can shake your confidence.

Some say doubt kills dreams. They worry that if leaders allow themselves to doubt they’ll lose confidence in themselves and their decisions. I’ve found that the opposite happens. Mistakes kill dreams, and doubts kill mistakes. When I teach leaders how to cross examine a decision, and use their doubt to make better decisions they become more confident. They know they’re ready to handle anything that arises. They believe in themselves and their decisions.

We need to choose leaders for their integrity. But we also need to choose them for their willingness to feel and use their doubt. A leader who has both integrity and discernment is an asset to any organization.

Schedule A Call With Heather

Subscribe to Heather’s newsletter, connect with her on social media or purchase one of her books.

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Leaders Need More Doubt – Integrity Isn’t Enough Without Discernment

George Santos won a seat in Congress

Elizabeth Holmes raised $945 million, including money from famous and powerful leaders

Charlie Javis “conned” JPMorgan into buying her company for $175 million

Anna Sorokin “scammed” New York city banks and hotels out of over $200,000

How do so many smart and savvy leaders become the victims of deception, and why does it matter? It matters because a leader’s job is to protect their stakeholders, their board, their employees and their money. In order to do their jobs, leaders need to learn to embrace and use their doubt.

Bill George recently wrote a wonderful piece for the Harvard Business School Working Knowledge publication asking “Have We Lost Sight of Integrity?” He argues that “leaders need to have integrity so that we can all agree on the truth”. He’s right that leaders must have integrity. But integrity must be balanced with doubt about others and their integrity. It’s not enough to tell the truth. Leaders must also be able to discern who’s lying. They need to know who to doubt, and what to do with that doubt.

Michael Smets, Professor or Management at Said Business School at the University of Oxford, has been an advocate for the power of self doubt. In his 2015 CEO Report: Embracing the Paradoxes of Leadership and the Power of Doubt, he argues that leaders should embrace doubt as a positive state. More recently, he’s said that “the better they doubt themselves in the decision making process, the more confidence they have in the outcome.” Smets’ work is focused on leaders admitting that they don’t know the answers, and this type of doubt is vital to build credibility. But leaders also have to admit that they have doubts about others in order to discern whether they’re being deceived.

For twenty years it was my job to capitalize on doubt. As a trial attorney, I made the jury doubt my opponent’s case and believe mine. I used doubt to win. I tapped into my psychology degree, my training and my experience to do so. Now I work with leaders and corporate partners, teaching them how to use the tools I used in the courtroom to make the case for their business, their teams, their ideas and themselves. One of those tools is doubt.

Here are three tools from the courtroom that leaders can learn to use their doubt and avoid being the victims of deception.

1. CURIOSITY

Ask questions. One of the most successful leaders I’ve ever coached learned to master questions in response to his doubts. When we first started working together, I was struck by his intuitive discernment. He’d hear something from a colleague or potential partner and he’d say “That doesn’t sound right to me.” His intuition was strong, and he knew what doubt was. He felt it in his gut.

But this leader didn’t always know what to do with his doubt. Just saying that something “doesn’t sound right to me” wasn’t enough to influence his board or his team. He had to go further, slow down and use curiosity to ask questions exploring the bases of his doubt. He had to get curious about it.

You’ll become a better leader if you get curious about your doubts. First, anytime you hear a pitch, a story or an explanation for a problem ask yourself “Does this sound right to me?” If not, ask yourself why. Why doesn’t this sound right to me? What about this sounds off, impossible or unlikely? Get curious about where things might be off, and ask questions. With each answer, check in again. Does that sound right to me?

Another great question for leaders to ask is “what am I missing?” Look for where the pieces don’t fit, or where a piece is completely missing. Explore the idea from all perspectives, and be willing to include stories or explanations that don’t make sense to you at first. Curiosity often leads to confusion before it leads to clarity.

Finally, get curious about anyone who’s critical of the choice you’re considering. Don’t shut them out or ignore their “negativity”. Ask yourself “were the naysayers right?” That one question could help you see the situation from a different and much more thorough perspective.

2. EVIDENCE

One of the best ways to discern whether someone is telling the truth is to look for inconsistencies. But in order to find inconsistencies, you need evidence to weigh a story or a claim against. If you’re accepting one story at face value, you don’t have enough to see inconsistencies may exist. You need evidence. Part of using your doubt is collecting and creating evidence to test it. Leaders must learn to use evidence to cross examine the things they doubt.

George Santos made hosts of claims that could have been easily disproved with a dive into the evidence, or lack thereof. He claimed to have worked with Goldman Sachs and Citigroup. A Google search or a telephone call could have discovered whether there was any evidence to support that claim. He claimed he graduated from Barch College, owned thirteen properties and ran an animal rescue group as a 501(c)(3). If any of these claims were true there’d be easily discoverable evidence to support them. It seems no one looked. Not one fellow politician or constituent seems to have cross examined him and asked him to explain inconsistencies. It may have been because they didn’t have time. But look at all of the time they’re spending on Santos now.

One of the reasons leaders often fail to use evidence to support their doubt is their impatience. CEOs move fast, and they make decisions quickly. In fact, in a ten year study of CEOs researchers found one of the things that high-performing CEOs make decisions earlier, faster and with greater conviction. That may not seem to leave much room for doubt. But when the stakes are high and the decisions are almost impossible to reverse, what Jeff Bezos calls “one way doors”, it’s worth taking the time to collect and weigh the evidence. It’s worth using your doubt to feed that process because it could save you time, money and reputation in the long run.

Collecting evidence is also something a leader can delegate. Have a team member engage in due diligence and collect evidence before those big decisions. Use the evidence to look for inconsistencies between the evidence and the story you’ve been asked to believe. Use your curiosity to ask more questions about those inconsistencies. A belief is a story you repeat and back up with evidence. If the evidence isn’t there, the story hasn’t earned your belief.

3. WIN / LOSE/ WEIRD

When I tried cases, I used my doubt to win. Sometimes it made my clients nervous. When I’d prepare them for cross examination, I’d do a mock cross exam myself. I’d challenge them with all of my doubts and dive into all of the evidence to find more doubts to explore. They didn’t always like it. I’ve been called “Chicken Little” before trial. But that same client tearfully thanked me after the trial, when we not only won the case but he handled his cross examination like a master advocate. I felt I’d done my job when my mock cross exam was tougher than my opposing counsel’s. You can’t win unless you know all of the ways that you can lose.

That’s why leaders need to use the Win/Lose/Weird process. My training and coaching clients have embraced this process and used it to win huge investments, important sales and important elections. It’s a simple way to strengthen your doubt and let it serve you.

Try the Win/Lose/Weird process the next time you’re weighing a decision. As you’re looking at a situation, consider all of the ways you could win. Collect the evidence that supports your win, and tell stories about that evidence. Build your own energy of belief. Then, look at all of the ways you could lose. Look for evidence that supports your competitor, or supports the antithesis of your argument. Consider where the evidence you thought supported your win could also support a loss. Be ruthless. Finally, look at the weird. Get creative about all of the weird things that could happen to change the variables in your equation. A hopeful congressman could make up his resume. That’s weird. When you’re prepared for the weird, nothing can shake your confidence.

Some say doubt kills dreams. They worry that if leaders allow themselves to doubt they’ll lose confidence in themselves and their decisions. I’ve found that the opposite happens. Mistakes kill dreams, and doubts kill mistakes. When I teach leaders how to cross examine a decision, and use their doubt to make better decisions they become more confident. They know they’re ready to handle anything that arises. They believe in themselves and their decisions.

We need to choose leaders for their integrity. But we also need to choose them for their willingness to feel and use their doubt. A leader who has both integrity and discernment is an asset to any organization.

Schedule A Call With Heather

Subscribe to Heather’s newsletter, connect with her on social media or purchase one of her books.

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Don’t Be Afraid to Advocate for Exactly What You Want – Overcoming the Backlash Against Self Advocacy

Last week, I was scrolling through social media during a break in one of my training sessions. After 20 years as a trial attorney, I teach people to use the tools I used in the courtroom to advocate for what they want and get it. Teaching people to advocate is my passion and my expertise, so a post about advocating stopped me mid-scroll.

“63 studies: women who assert their ideas, make direct requests, and advocate for themselves are liked less. They’re also less likely to get hired-and it hasn’t improved over time. It’s 2021 (crossed off to read 2023). When will we stop punishing dominant women for violating outdated gender stereotypes?”

Adam Grant had posted this statement on LinkedIn and Instagram in 2021. Female Quotient had reposted it (changing the year to be clear), last week. . Combined, Adam Grant and Female Quotient have over 8 million followers. 8 million women had been told that advocating for themselves would make them less likely to be liked and get hired. I could feel myself getting angry, but years of advocating have made me adept at responding and not reacting. I decided to read the article Grant referenced in his original post later that night.

When I read the article, The Subtle Suspension of Backlash: A Meta-analysis of Penalties for Women’s Implicit and Explicit Dominance Behavior, I was even more frustrated. The study that Grant is referring to is a fifteen page meta-analysis of 63 studies. It’s an article about dominant behavior in women, not about advocating. Dominant behavior and advocating are not the same.

In the article, dominant behavior is broadly defined and includes demanding something, and arguing for a group to adopt a position as well as nonverbal behaviors like intrusive gestures, talk time, talk volume and interrupting others. One of the conclusions is that both men and women are found to be less likable when they are close-talking, pointing, interrupting, and raising their voices. This is great news for advocates, because this behavior isn’t advocating.

Advocating is persuading and influencing. It’s asking for what you want, in a way that makes you likely to get it. Advocating is changing minds, hearts and beliefs. And it’s a skill that can be learned, mastered and used to win.

The women I’ve coached have used advocating skills to double their income, get new jobs, obtain promotions and start their own successful businesses. They’ve also used these skills to strengthen their intimate partnerships and improve their likeability. When women learn to advocate effectively, they get better and their workplaces get better. They advocate for themselves and each other. They advocate for positive change in the workplace and for other marginalized communities. And their employers benefit because they also advocate for their ideas, which leads to more innovation. When women learn to advocate, everyone wins.

But women are afraid to advocate. Posts like Grant’s, while well intentioned, make them afraid. When he tells millions of women they will be less liked and less likely to be hired if they advocate, they’re right to be afraid. But advocating is very different from exhibiting dominant behavior, and both men and women can learn from the differences.

1. Dominant behavior is demanding something, advocating is asking for it.

In the article about dominant behavior, one of the examples of such behavior is demanding something. But an advocate doesn’t demand. She asks for what she wants in a way that helps her get it.

An advocate’s greatest tool is a question. When I tell people I’m a trial attorney, they often say “I should have been a trial attorney. I’m really good at arguing.” But trial attorneys do very little arguing when they advocate. An opening statement is meant to be an outline, and we can get in trouble if we argue. The closing is an argument, but it’s a small portion of the case. The rest of the trial all we do is ask questions. We ask questions to build our credibility and build connections with the jury. We ask questions to destroy the other side’s credibility and their connection to the jury. Questions are how we win.

And when the trial is over, we don’t demand that the jury find in our favor. We ask them. We use the credibility we’ve built, the evidence we’ve collected and the ability to see things from their perspective to craft our ask.

You have your jury. They’re the people you want to influence and persuade. You might want to change their minds, their hearts or their beliefs. And if you demand they change, you will lose. You’ll absolutely be less likable and less hireable. But if you use perspective, evidence and credibility, and you choose the right words, tone, facial expressions and body language to support your ask, you will win. Words, perspective, evidence, credibility, body language, tone of voice and questions are the tools you use to advocate. They’re not the tools you use to dominate.

2. Dominant behavior is arguing for a group to adopt a position, advocating is making the case for a group to adopt a position.

In my second book, Advocate to Win-10 Tools to Ask for What You Want and Get It – I share the tools of an advocate. Advocates use tools like words, perspective, evidence, credibility, questions, negotiation, presentation skills (body language, tone of voice, facial expressions) and reception skills (listening, reading tone/body language). Argument is also one of those tools. But it’s a last resort, and it’s used in a very specific way.

You argue when a third party is deciding the issue. In my cases, we sometimes have to argue. When a Judge has to decide a motion, or the jury has to decide a verdict, there is room for argument. An independent and objective body has to decide. That’s when arguments can work. When there’s no room for compromise and only one winner, the argument makes sense. But outside of the courtroom most of the time everyone can win. The definition of win that I use in my work is from the Cambridge dictionary–”to receive something positive because you’ve earned it ”. With this definition, everyone can win, and arguments are usually unnecessary and unproductive.

When you do have to argue, remember the enemy is confusion. It’s not whomever you’re arguing against. Seeing confusion as the enemy takes away some of the risk of being dominant, for both men and women. It’s hard to exhibit dominant behaviors against confusion. You can’t get in confusion’s face, point at it, raise your voice at it or interrupt it. You have to fight it with evidence, questions and perspective…..the tools of an advocate.

3. Dominant behavior is repellent, advocating is magnetic.

The piece Grant cites dives deeply into implicity and explicit dominant behavior. Implicit, or nonverbal dominant behavior includes interrupting, raising the volume of your speech, intrusive gestures and eye contact when speaking (but not when listening). And this meta-analysis showed that this type of behavior led to both men and women being less well liked. It’s repellent behavior. People back away from those who exhibit this type of behavior.

When you’re advocating, on the other hand, you draw people towards you. One of the most important tools of an advocate is the ability to listen. You listen to gain another’s perspective so that you know how to best speak to that perspective. After you’ve listened well, you know which evidence, stories, words and questions will be most persuasive and help change minds and beliefs. You listen for tone, and the emotion that tone of voice has been proven to convey.

When you listen, you’re magnetic. Advocate well and you draw people closer. In fact, you can advocate so well that you turn the people around you into your advocates. You draw people to you, and they want to go out and advocate for you. In my work I’ve seen many of my clients even turn people they considered their adversaries into their advocates. Become a strong advocate and you can create an army of advocates who are out in the world advocating for you when you aren’t even there.

It’s Time For You to Advocate for Yourself

I’ve asked Grant to fix the wording of his post, but so far I haven’t received a response. Words are important, and I hate to think that women will read and share a post that tells them advocating will hurt them. Too many women struggle to advocate as it is.

When I was trying cases in the courtroom, my clients would be anxious before they went to testify in front of the jury. When it was time for them to advocate for themselves, they all had the same response. “I wish you could do it for me.”

But the jury didn’t want to hear from me. The jury wanted to hear from them. Now, many of my coaching and training clients say the same thing. When they hire me, they say they wish I could do it for them. But their ‘jury’ of bosses, teams, clients, customers, families and friends don’t want to hear from me. They want to hear from them. And your jury wants to hear from you.

No one can advocate for you as well as you can. No one else has the experience, the passion, and the drive to get you want more than you. And no one knows exactly what you want and what you’re willing to accept better than you. You are your own best advocate. No one can do it better than you.

When you have the tools to advocate effectively you’re not dominant. You don’t yell, point or demand. Instead you persuade and influence. You change minds and beliefs. You’re able to ask for what you want and get it, and everyone can win.

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Am I Using My Voice If No One Listens?

“Everyone tells me to ‘use my voice’. But no one is listening…….”

My coaching client added this at the end of our first hour together. I had to extend the session. Because this is the truth of what many of my clients face, and we have to talk about it.

I teach women to advocate for themselves, their ideas, their business and their bank accounts. We work together so that they can ask for what they want-and get it. So they learn to build credibility, ask questions, change perspectives and use evidence to win. They also learn how to use their voices. But my client had a point. Sometimes it feels like no one is listening.

I have tools to get people to listen. For 20 years I was a medical malpractice defense attorney. During my trials I had to get bored, tired, and preoccupied juries to listen to complicated medical terms. And the clients I work with now also have their juries — the investors, clients, customers and teammates they want to persuade and influence. Many of the tools I used to get my jury to listen work with their juries as well. We create exhibits — like a graph that the CEO can review before the meeting to create context for the presentation, or a video of the product that keeps the investors interested and engaged. We also work on tone of voice, modulation, and pacing that will draw in their jury. They learn to ask the right questions and see things from their jury’s perspective in order to pique their interest and keep them listening. And these tools work.

But this client didn’t have all of these tools yet. She needed to understand that she wasn’t alone, and that this was a common problem. And we all need to understand that if we want women to use their voices, we have to start listening.

Recently I had Elizabeth Lesser as a guest on my podcast, The Elegant Warrior. Elizabeth is the author of the fabulous book Cassandra Speaks-When Women Are the Storytellers, the Human Story Changes. I loved her book and I loved our conversation. But ever since I’ve wondered about how we can make people listen. Because if they’re not listening, all the speaking in the world won’t change a thing.

I think it starts, like everything does, with us. We need to become better listeners. In my experience there’s no place that karma is more evident than when it comes to listening. When you’re a good listener, people tend to listen to you. With listening, what goes around really does come around.

While one of my 10 tools of an advocate is presentation (tone of voice, body language and facial expression) another is reception (reading tone of voice, body language and facial expression). If we want to advocate to win, we need to become better listeners. My definition of win is “to receive something positive because you have earned it”. In this situation the something positive is better relationships, more psychological safety, more insight and better perspective. You earn it by listening.

The next step is making listening as sexy a skill as talking. There are tons of books on how to present, how to speak, and how to use your body language to influence others. There are few on how to listen. (You’re Not Listening, by Kate Murphy, is my favorite). Many people hire me to coach them on how to present at their next meeting, pitch or interview. No one has ever reached out to prepare for being on the receiving end of a presentation, pitch or interview. But maybe they should. Receiving is harder than presenting. It takes more presence, more thoughtfulness and more empathy. But it takes both presentation and reception to become a strong advocate. And when you make someone feel like you’re listening? You might find you’ve created an advocate for the next time YOU need one.

Yes, it’s time to use your voice. No one can say what you need to say better than you can. You are your own best advocate. There’s a way to use your voice that makes it more likely that people will listen. It’s the advocate’s way. And there’s a way to use your ears that helps even more. Use your voice AND your ears, and the wins will start pouring in.

Schedule A Call With Heather

Subscribe to Heather’s newsletter, connect with her on social media or purchase one of her books.

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Am I Using My Voice If No One Listens?

“Everyone tells me to ‘use my voice’. But no one is listening…….”

My coaching client added this at the end of our first hour together. I had to extend the session. Because this is the truth of what many of my clients face, and we have to talk about it.

I teach women to advocate for themselves, their ideas, their business and their bank accounts. We work together so that they can ask for what they want-and get it. So they learn to build credibility, ask questions, change perspectives and use evidence to win. They also learn how to use their voices. But my client had a point. Sometimes it feels like no one is listening.

I have tools to get people to listen. For 20 years I was a medical malpractice defense attorney. During my trials I had to get bored, tired, and preoccupied juries to listen to complicated medical terms. And the clients I work with now also have their juries — the investors, clients, customers and teammates they want to persuade and influence. Many of the tools I used to get my jury to listen work with their juries as well. We create exhibits — like a graph that the CEO can review before the meeting to create context for the presentation, or a video of the product that keeps the investors interested and engaged. We also work on tone of voice, modulation, and pacing that will draw in their jury. They learn to ask the right questions and see things from their jury’s perspective in order to pique their interest and keep them listening. And these tools work.

But this client didn’t have all of these tools yet. She needed to understand that she wasn’t alone, and that this was a common problem. And we all need to understand that if we want women to use their voices, we have to start listening.

Recently I had Elizabeth Lesser as a guest on my podcast, The Elegant Warrior. Elizabeth is the author of the fabulous book Cassandra Speaks-When Women Are the Storytellers, the Human Story Changes. I loved her book and I loved our conversation. But ever since I’ve wondered about how we can make people listen. Because if they’re not listening, all the speaking in the world won’t change a thing.

I think it starts, like everything does, with us. We need to become better listeners. In my experience there’s no place that karma is more evident than when it comes to listening. When you’re a good listener, people tend to listen to you. With listening, what goes around really does come around.

While one of my 10 tools of an advocate is presentation (tone of voice, body language and facial expression) another is reception (reading tone of voice, body language and facial expression). If we want to advocate to win, we need to become better listeners. My definition of win is “to receive something positive because you have earned it”. In this situation the something positive is better relationships, more psychological safety, more insight and better perspective. You earn it by listening.

The next step is making listening as sexy a skill as talking. There are tons of books on how to present, how to speak, and how to use your body language to influence others. There are few on how to listen. (You’re Not Listening, by Kate Murphy, is my favorite). Many people hire me to coach them on how to present at their next meeting, pitch or interview. No one has ever reached out to prepare for being on the receiving end of a presentation, pitch or interview. But maybe they should. Receiving is harder than presenting. It takes more presence, more thoughtfulness and more empathy. But it takes both presentation and reception to become a strong advocate. And when you make someone feel like you’re listening? You might find you’ve created an advocate for the next time YOU need one.

Yes, it’s time to use your voice. No one can say what you need to say better than you can. You are your own best advocate. There’s a way to use your voice that makes it more likely that people will listen. It’s the advocate’s way. And there’s a way to use your ears that helps even more. Use your voice AND your ears, and the wins will start pouring in.

Heather Hansen

Author of The Elegant Warrior-How to Win Life’s Trials Without Losing Yourself. Host of The Elegant Warrior podcast. https://advocatetowin.com/

The post Am I Using My Voice If No One Listens? appeared first on Heather Hansen Presents.

Winning During a Pandemic

I help my clients win. And I’ve been doing it for over 20 years. First, it was in the courtroom as a defense attorney for doctors, nurses, and hospitals. I gave my legal clients the tools to advocate for themselves and their ideas, and win. Now it is in the boardroom, the Zoom call, the kitchen and the bedroom. Still, I give my clients the tools to advocate for themselves and their ideas, and win. But what is winning during a pandemic?

One of the definitions of win is “to receive something positive because you have earned it”. That is the definition I embrace and encourage my clients to do the same. When I first met with my legal clients to discuss their case, I’d ask them what they wanted. We needed to know their something positive in order to start advocating for it. “Something positive” could be any number of things.

Some wanted to see the case go away. They wanted to not have the stress of litigation on top of the stress of caring for their patients. Others wanted a verdict in their favor–to clear their name, their reputation and their conscience. Most weren’t sure what they wanted. They’d never been sued, never knew the overwhelming stress of a lawsuit or the unbelievable buzz of a verdict in their favor. So I checked in with them regularly, asking the same questions.

“What is a win for you today?” Once we know the win, we can start advocating for it with the tools of a trial lawyer. Some wins need words, questions, and evidence. Other wins call for perspective, credibility, reception and presentation. Some wins are earned with negotiation, and others with argument. These are the tools of a trial lawyers, and I help my clients use them to win.

Now I work with CEOs, entrepreneurs, college grads and thought leaders. And when I first meet with them, I ask the same question. What is a win? It’s sometimes investment money for their idea. Sometimes it’s a new clients, a sale, a promotion or a raise. And other times it’s more support, more respect, more fun or more love. Whatever it is, we start there. We start earning our way to that something positive by advocating.

But we have to be careful. Because in moments of stress and conflict it’s easy to become confused. You can lose sight of your win. It always reminds me of the time my niece and her friend went with me to walk the dog. They fought like crazy over who would get to take the bag and pick up the mess. When you get emotional and caught up in the moment, it’s easy to end up carrying a bag of mess and thinking you’ve won.

That’s why every day I ask my clients to consider this question. “What’s a win for you today?” And in this crazy time, that question becomes even more important. Some days it might simply be getting through the day without crying. Other days it could be a phenomenal pitch on a Zoom call, a new job, praise from a manager, or a hug from a child. Winning during a pandemic is different than winning a year ago, and will be different than winning a year from now.

“What’s a win for you today?”

Start with that question. Your answer to that question is your something positive. And you can earn it by advocating, even during a pandemic.

Join the Advocate to Win Mailing List: https://bit.ly/2VyfLB4

The Elegant Warrior on Amazon: https://amzn.to/34LBvxJ

Sign up for a FREE 1 Hour Consult: https://bit.ly/3ijt6ru

The post Winning During a Pandemic appeared first on Heather Hansen Presents.

Winning During a Pandemic

I help my clients win. And I’ve been doing it for over 20 years. First, it was in the courtroom as a defense attorney for doctors, nurses, and hospitals. I gave my legal clients the tools to advocate for themselves and their ideas, and win. Now it is in the boardroom, the Zoom call, the kitchen and the bedroom. Still, I give my clients the tools to advocate for themselves and their ideas, and win. But what is winning during a pandemic?

One of the definitions of win is “to receive something positive because you have earned it”. That is the definition I embrace and encourage my clients to do the same. When I first met with my legal clients to discuss their case, I’d ask them what they wanted. We needed to know their something positive in order to start advocating for it. “Something positive” could be any number of things.

Some wanted to see the case go away. They wanted to not have the stress of litigation on top of the stress of caring for their patients. Others wanted a verdict in their favor–to clear their name, their reputation and their conscience. Most weren’t sure what they wanted. They’d never been sued, never knew the overwhelming stress of a lawsuit or the unbelievable buzz of a verdict in their favor. So I checked in with them regularly, asking the same questions.

“What is a win for you today?” Once we know the win, we can start advocating for it with the tools of a trial lawyer. Some wins need words, questions, and evidence. Other wins call for perspective, credibility, reception and presentation. Some wins are earned with negotiation, and others with argument. These are the tools of a trial lawyers, and I help my clients use them to win.

Now I work with CEOs, entrepreneurs, college grads and thought leaders. And when I first meet with them, I ask the same question. What is a win? It’s sometimes investment money for their idea. Sometimes it’s a new clients, a sale, a promotion or a raise. And other times it’s more support, more respect, more fun or more love. Whatever it is, we start there. We start earning our way to that something positive by advocating.

But we have to be careful. Because in moments of stress and conflict it’s easy to become confused. You can lose sight of your win. It always reminds me of the time my niece and her friend went with me to walk the dog. They fought like crazy over who would get to take the bag and pick up the mess. When you get emotional and caught up in the moment, it’s easy to end up carrying a bag of mess and thinking you’ve won.

That’s why every day I ask my clients to consider this question. “What’s a win for you today?” And in this crazy time, that question becomes even more important. Some days it might simply be getting through the day without crying. Other days it could be a phenomenal pitch on a Zoom call, a new job, praise from a manager, or a hug from a child. Winning during a pandemic is different than winning a year ago, and will be different than winning a year from now.

“What’s a win for you today?”

Start with that question. Your answer to that question is your something positive. And you can earn it by advocating, even during a pandemic.

Join the Advocate to Win Mailing List: https://bit.ly/2VyfLB4

The Elegant Warrior on Amazon: https://amzn.to/34LBvxJ

Sign up for a FREE 1 Hour Consult: https://bit.ly/3ijt6ru

Jazz Splits and Self Confidence

Who knew a jazz split would teach me my greatest lesson about self confidence?

The other day I was walking the dog with my niece when I started cheering. And I don’t mean “Rah Rah!” I mean “Feehan Shamrocks at their best. We’ll put you to the test.” My niece looked as me like I’d lost it. I told her that when I was in high school I really wanted to be a cheerleader. I loved the uniform, the ponytails, and the idea of spending my autumn at football games and rallies. My mom had been a cheerleader, my friends were cheerleaders, and I wanted to be a cheerleader.

I didn’t have a lot of time to get ready. I wasn’t built like a typical cheerleader. These were potential hurdles. But the greatest hurdle was I couldn’t do a split.

Part of the audition was to do a cheer that ended in a split. I couldn’t do it. But it wasn’t for lack of trying. I had two weeks to prepare for try outs, and every day for those two weeks I’d practice the cheer we had to do for auditions. And I practiced for at least two hours, well. I didn’t do it in front of the TV or in my bedroom. Instead I went out to the backyard where I could be completely focused. I practiced the jumps, the claps, and the words. Eventually I knew that cheer cold. I memorized the hand motions, the intonation, the movements and the exact moment when it was time to do the split. But I couldn’t do the split.

When I realized that split would never happen in time, I asked my mom (the cheerleader) what to do. She told me to try a jazz split. That’s a move where you put one leg sort of bent behind you and fake a split. Sounded good to me! I practiced those jazz splits like crazy. When the day came for the audition, I felt ready. I felt confident in myself, my preparation, my voice and my moves. But I didn’t make the team.

As I told my niece this story, she looked at me sadly.

“Did you cry?”

I’m sure I cried. But that’s not what I remember. What I remember was feeling self confidence.I had confidence in myself and my preparation. I had confidence in the work I’d done to be the best I could be. And that’s what I remember.

Since then I’ve known the power of self confidence. I’ve used it to become a trial lawyer, an author, a TV anchor and analyst and a coach. I’ve used it to lose 100 pounds and to learn to do a real split. And I’ve realized the value of earning my self confidence with practice, preparation, and focus. You’re not always going to get everything you try for. But you can always get more confidence from trying.

Self confidence is knowing you’ve done all you can. You’ve given your all with focus, preparation, and the right tools. When you’re truly confident in yourself, the wins and the losses won’t touch you. You take more chances and, yes, earn more wins. You know yourself and you don’t take much personally. Self confident women ask for what they want and get it. They advocate for themselves. And then they do it again and again.

That cheerleading try out taught me to try. And it gave me self confidence. Since that day I’ve gone for what I want, and most of the time I get it. But as long as I’ve done all I can with focus, elegance and preparation, the wins or losses don’t have the same power over me. They just can’t touch me in the same way. Because I have confidence in me–and that has made all the difference.

 

Join the Advocate to Win Mailing List: https://bit.ly/2VyfLB4

The Elegant Warrior on Amazon: https://amzn.to/34LBvxJ

Sign up for a FREE 1 Hour Consult: https://bit.ly/3ijt6ru

The post Jazz Splits and Self Confidence appeared first on Heather Hansen Presents.

A Jazz Split and Self Confidence

Who knew a jazz split would teach me my greatest lesson about self confidence?

The other day I was walking the dog with my niece when I started cheering. And I don’t mean “Rah Rah!” I mean “Feehan Shamrocks at their best. We’ll put you to the test.” My niece looked as me like I’d lost it. I told her that when I was in high school I really wanted to be a cheerleader. I loved the uniform, the ponytails, and the idea of spending my autumn at football games and rallies. My mom had been a cheerleader, my friends were cheerleaders, and I wanted to be a cheerleader.

I didn’t have a lot of time to get ready. I wasn’t built like a typical cheerleader. These were potential hurdles. But the greatest hurdle was I couldn’t do a split.

Part of the audition was to do a cheer that ended in a split. I couldn’t do it. But it wasn’t for lack of trying. I had two weeks to prepare for try outs, and every day for those two weeks I’d practice the cheer we had to do for auditions. And I practiced for at least two hours, well. I didn’t do it in front of the TV or in my bedroom. Instead I went out to the backyard where I could be completely focused. I practiced the jumps, the claps, and the words. Eventually I knew that cheer cold. I memorized the hand motions, the intonation, the movements and the exact moment when it was time to do the split. But I couldn’t do the split.

When I realized that split would never happen in time, I asked my mom (the cheerleader) what to do. She told me to try a jazz split. That’s a move where you put one leg sort of bent behind you and fake a split. Sounded good to me! I practiced those jazz splits like crazy. When the day came for the audition, I felt ready. I felt confident in myself, my preparation, my voice and my moves. But I didn’t make the team.

As I told my niece this story, she looked at me sadly.

“Did you cry?”

I’m sure I cried. But that’s not what I remember. What I remember was feeling self confidence.I had confidence in myself and my preparation. I had confidence in the work I’d done to be the best I could be. And that’s what I remember.

Since then I’ve known the power of self confidence. I’ve used it to become a trial lawyer, an author, a TV anchor and analyst and a coach. I’ve used it to lose 100 pounds and to learn to do a real split. And I’ve realized the value of earning my self confidence with practice, preparation, and focus. You’re not always going to get everything you try for. But you can always get more confidence from trying.

Self confidence is knowing you’ve done all you can. You’ve given your all with focus, preparation, and the right tools. When you’re truly confident in yourself, the wins and the losses won’t touch you. You take more chances and, yes, earn more wins. You know yourself and you don’t take much personally. Self confident women ask for what they want and get it. They advocate for themselves. And then they do it again and again.

That cheerleading try out taught me to try. And it gave me self confidence. Since that day I’ve gone for what I want, and most of the time I get it. But as long as I’ve done all I can with focus, elegance and preparation, the wins or losses don’t have the same power over me. They just can’t touch me in the same way. Because I have confidence in me–and that has made all the difference.

Join the Advocate to Win Mailing List: https://bit.ly/2VyfLB4

The Elegant Warrior on Amazon: https://amzn.to/34LBvxJ

Sign up for a FREE 1 Hour Consult: https://bit.ly/3ijt6ru

Drifting Out to Sea, Saved by an Advocate

“I’m drifting out to sea!”

My niece is 9 (and a half) and when she cried out “I’m drifting out to sea!” she really believed it. Fear is a compelling story, and her Inner Jury was taking that story and, well, drifting with it. It was last weekend, and she was on my paddleboard alone for the first time.

In past summers, I’ve had her sit in front of me while I took her for rides. But she’s getting older, bigger and more confident. And I want that confidence to grow. So I gave her the paddleboard, an oar, some directions and a smile. She hopped on and, within minutes, she was “drifting off to sea!”

She really believed she was. The current had grabbed her, and the fear followed. Fear tells a good story. Her Inner Jury was starting to believe that story and to accept it as the truth.

I had to give her a different story. But that wouldn’t be enough. Facts tell, stories sell, but advocates win. I had to do more than tell her another story. I had to advocate for that story with the tools of an advocate.

So I gave her Evidence. “Look, Brielle. You aren’t heading towards the sea. You’re heading towards the clubhouse.”

Then I asked a Question. “What would happen if you put your paddle in and pushed backwards?”

And I used Presentation. I made sure my tone, body language and energy were calm and confident.

Fortunately, it worked. Her Inner Jury believed my story over the story her fear was telling her. The advocate won.

Advocates always win. Facts tell, stories sell, but advocates win. When there are two competing stories (and there are always two competing stories!) the story that wins is the one that has someone advocating for it.

If you want to win sales, attention, loyalty or engagement, your story isn’t enough. You have to advocate for it. Use words, evidence, questions and perspective. And use credibility, reception, presentation and negotiation. Argue if you must. Advocate with elegance, and you will win.

Not only did my niece not drift off to sea that day, but she built her own credibility. Now she believes that the story of fear isn’t always the story to choose. She believes in her ability to paddle. And she knows how to win.

Join the Advocate to Win Mailing List: https://bit.ly/2VyfLB4

The Elegant Warrior on Amazon: https://amzn.to/34LBvxJ

Sign up for a FREE 1 Hour Consult: https://bit.ly/3ijt6ru

The post Drifting Out to Sea, Saved by an Advocate appeared first on Heather Hansen Presents.