Heather Hansen's Blog, page 10

The $100 Lesson

When I was a salad girl at The Chart Room, I learned the $100 Lesson from a waitress named Andrea. She was fun, kind and cool, and her customers loved her. She anticipated their every need. One day, while I was in the kitchen cleaning lobsters, a newer waitress came running into the kitchen squealing with delight. She’d just received her first $100 tip. Her delight was obvious as she danced around the kitchen, showing the $100 bill to the line cooks, the dishwashers and the salad girls. Andrea soon came into the kitchen and quietly pulled the waitress aside, right by where I was buried in lobster guts.

“It’s great that you got that tip, and you should be excited. But be aware of the people around you. The people in this kitchen won’t make that kind of money tonight. They may never have the opportunity to get a tip like that. So think about how you’d feel in that situation, and act accordingly. Consider the people who support you.”

I’ll never forget that lesson. A good lawyer thinks about the perspectives of her jury, her judge and her opponents. But she should also be thinking about her team. And a good salesperson, teacher, doctor, or consultant should be thinking about the perspective of those they serve–and the team that allows them to do so. 

When you care about how your team thinks and feels, they care about you. Together, you can best serve your clients and your customers. And then you all win. Remember Andrea and that $100 lesson. Consider your teammates’ perspectives, and the team will be better. Then you can go out and share the rewards that follow.

And one way to show your team you care is to share these lessons! You can find many of them in my book, The Elegant Warrior: How to Win Life’s Trials Without Losing Yourself. Buy it here. 

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Use Devotion, Not Passion, to Win

If you want to win life’s trials–try devotion, not passion. I know passion is sexy and fun and a great distraction. We can spend all of our time looking for our passion instead of doing the work. But much of what I know I learned at trial, and devotion has been my greatest teacher.

When I step into the courtroom to advocate for my client, there’s not much I know for sure. I don’t know who will win and I don’t know exactly what each witness will say. But I do know that I’ve looked at every document in that file.  I’m devoted to it. I’ve vowed to read every medical record and review every pleading. Many times I’m looking at hundreds of thousands of pages and every minute is worth it.  Often, it leads to wins.  The key to my success is devotion.

When people ask how I found time to write The Elegant Warrior and start The Elegant Warrior podcast, they sometimes assume it’s all about passion. But for me, passion isn’t the answer. Devotion led to reaching these goals. And I’ll choose devotion over passion. The root of the word “passion” is “to suffer”. I don’t want to suffer my way through my achievements. The root of the word devotion, on the other hand, is “to vow”. I’ll vow my way through my achievements, and through my trials. First I vow to get to know my client, with compassion, curiosity and connection, and to approach the jury the same way. Then I vow to build my credibility by knowing the records and the case. Next, I vow to be creative in the way I present my case. I’m devoted to being a good advocate.

See what happens when you pursue devotion, not passion. I’m always passionate about my cases. (And yes, that often leads to suffering). But I believe that it is devotion, not passion, that wins trials. And devotion will lead to your success as well. Take a vow, be devoted, and you will find that victory follows. Why suffer your way to a win when you can get there one vow at a time?

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Build Credibility to Win

You need to build credibility to win. That’s true for trial lawyers, of course, but it’s also true for parents, partners, real estate agents, salespeople, doctors and educators. In my experience, credibility beats likability when it matters.

Sometimes when our trials are over, the Judges ask the lawyers to speak with the jury. That’s fun if you’ve won, and less so if you’ve lost. But it is always educational. One time, after a win, a juror said to me “I didn’t like your client very much, but I trusted you” I’m not sure that it was trust, as I believe trust takes more time to establish then the weeks I have with my juries. I think that juror found me credible.

I dedicate a whole chapter of my book, The Elegant Warrior-How to Win Life’s Trials Without Losing Yourself to credibility. You have to set expectations and meet them, make promises and keep them. And if you can’t (it happens) you have to explain, ideally face-to-face. It’s hard work, but it is worth it. No matter what you do, credibility helps you do it better.

Take medicine, for example. Last week we talked about the placebo study that showed that patients who are allergic to poison ivy will break out in hives if their doctor tells them a harmless plant is poison ivy! That shows the power of the mind, but it also shows the power of trust. When a patient trusts a doctor, a client trusts an agent, a customer trusts a seller or an employee trusts a boss, the foundation for a win is laid. Credibility is the beginning of trust.

So build your credibility to win with the people around you. Set expectations and meet them. Make promises and keep them. And if you can’t, explain why. I don’t think you have to choose between likability and credibility. I think they can be the same. Build your credibility and the people around you won’t just like you, they ‘ll trust you. And that is everything.

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The Power of the Mind

For as long as I can remember, I’ve believed in the power of the mind. Mind over matter, visualization, belief leading to reality–I bought into them all. But I’m also a trial attorney, and as I say in The Elegant Warrior, in order to win your case you’ve got to have evidence. So I’ve always sought evidence of the power of the mind. I recently read a study that provided just that.  Want evidence that your mind works wonders? Read on.

In Japan, investigators took 13 people who were extremely allergic to poison ivy. On one arm they rubbed a harmless leaf but told the patients it was poison ivy. All 13 of the patients broke out in a rash. On the other arm they touched the patients with poison ivy, but told them it was harmless. Only two patients broke out in a rash. 

These patients’ beliefs changed their bodies. Now that’s power. 

This study shows a few things. First, I believe it shows the value of trust. The patients trusted the authority of their doctors (not for long!) and therefore trusted that the leaf would or would not cause a rash. That trust led their mind in a certain direction. When I train people to become better advocates, we work on credibility because credibility and trust change us and our relationships.

Second, it shows the power of the mind. What you believe becomes your reality. The evidence is clear, in this study and in hosts of other studies on the placebo effect. The word placebo comes from the Latin “I shall please” I am pleased that our minds have such power. How will you use the power of your mind to change your life? Let us know in the comments!

 

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Earning My Own Credibility…and Coffee

I once heard an interview with the singer Fergie where she said that she worked out every day to earn her own self esteem. (It seems her Humps were due to hard work in the gym.) And I get it. I  believe we earn our own self esteem just like we earn our own credibility. 

When I train clients on how to advocate for themselves, their ideas, their businesses and their families, we work on the 5 Cs. One of the most important is Credibility. If you set expectations, you have to meet them and when you make promises you have to keep them–or have a good reason why you can’t. This is the only way you can win with a jury. It is also the only way you can win with yourself. The promises you make to yourself and the expectations you set for yourself are important. Because if you don’t have credibility with yourself–if you don’t trust yourself–you’re lost. 

When I started this blog I promised myself I’d share something every Thursday. Sometimes that’s hard. Coming up with an idea, finding a time and place where I don’t look a mess and I have a little quiet, and then uploading and downloading and all the tech things take time, effort and planning. But I do it. Because the next time I make myself a promise, I want to believe it. 

So this week I’m coming to you from my car, during a week that I will remember forever. I had a book event at An Unlikely Story, a bookstore in Plainville, MA. I grew up in the area, and the love and support I received from my family, and my family of friends, is something I won’t soon forget.

And I wanted to share a study about another C–coffee. This study shows that even if you just THINK about coffee, your pulse quickens and your focus improves. It is amazing what the mind can do. That’s why I want to make sure mine believes in me. 

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Use Your Anger to Win

I had just finished speaking to an audience of 350 people on the ways they could use advocacy skills to be on their own side, use their voices, set their boundaries and master objections.During my hour with them I’d told them about the clients I’ve seen turn adversaries into advocates, and the power of having their clients and customers advocate for them. And I had shared the 5 Cs of Advocacy–Compassion, Connection, Creativity, Curiosity and Credibility. Now it was time for questions.

“What about anger?” 

This is why it makes sense to have a Q and A after your talks. Because he was right–what about anger? When you get into situations where you feel like you have to advocate for yourself, your ideas and your team, those situations often feel confrontational. And confrontation can lead to anger. So what about anger? How can you use anger to be a better advocate? You can use your anger to win. 

1-Feel it. Many of us, especially women, think that anger is something to avoid or deny. That won’t work. When things are unjust or unfair, it is natural and important to feel anger. Recognize it, and then move on to using it in your advocacy.

2-Use it. Anger can help us be better advocates. There are studies showing that anger makes us more rational, more analytical and more creative. When you channel your anger, you can reap the benefits of it.

3-Own it. Those same studies also show that anger is hard to sustain because it is draining and exhausting. In order to be a good advocate, you have to own your anger, and not let it own you. One of my clients learned this in a very vivid way. He was sued, it was a frivolous case, and he was angry. During his deposition he lashed out at the opposing attorney. I had tried to remind him to visualize that he was speaking to the potential jurors and not the attorney. I’d asked him to use his anger to make him more focused and more rational. Instead, he let his anger own him. No one in the room that day liked my doctor, and the jurors wouldn’t like him either. Fortunately, we filed a motion and the case was dismissed before the jurors could see that deposition.

Years later, the same doctor was sued again. I begged him to try his deposition my way this time–using his anger to make him better and not worse. I asked him to channel his anger and use it to be creative, rational and even charming in his deposition. He did, and soon after the deposition the opposing attorney dropped the case. I believe it was, in part, because he knew the jury would love the doctor.

Anger is a natural part of advocacy. When things feel unjust or unfair, we get angry. However, it’s when you take your anger and apply it to the 5 Cs of advocacy that you’re most likely to win, get justice and make things fair. Use advocacy to give your anger what it wants. 

 

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The Power of Technology to Change Lives

Technology has the power to save lives, and to take them. That isn’t a stretch or an exaggeration. This week I gave a keynote to over 300 healthcare providers. One of the things I spoke about was the electronic medical record. Healthcare providers tend to either love the EMR, or hate it. They find it makes life easier, or harder. But I’ve seen the worst of the EMR. I had a case where a misunderstanding in the patient portal may have led to a patient’s death. The doctor and the patient were communicating, but they weren’t seeing things through the other’s perspective. As a result, there was no meeting of the minds and hearts.

It got me thinking about social media. Some of us love it, and some of us hate it. Some find it makes life easier, and some fine it makes life harder. But we’ve also seen the worst of social media. We’ve seen where misunderstandings, or pure nastiness and insecurity, have led to cyberbullying and even suicide. When you can’t see the person you’re attacking, it’s harder to see through their perspective. And then it’s easier to lose your mind and heart.

We need to start using using technology to improve connections.Technology can save lives, bring joy and make life easier. But we have to begin with a pause for perspective. If you’re a doctor, pause before you use the EMR and consider your entry from the perspective of other members of the healthcare team. When you’re emailing at work, take a minute and think about the person who will receive your email. How will they receive it? And when you’re on social media, pause for perspective before you post that less-than-lovely comment.

Technology has power. So do you. Use your power wisely, and pause for perspective. To say you might change a life isn’t a stretch.

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Would You Like to Buy An “E”?

Later today, I am giving a talk on mindfulness to a group of about 400 lawyers. How am I going to sell mindfulness to a group of lawyers? And yes I do mean sell. Because we are all selling, all the time. In my talks, I’m selling my ideas. When these lawyers are on trial, they are selling their cases to the juries. Speakers, lawyers, real estate agents, customer experience agents–we are all selling. Teachers are selling their lessons to their students. Parents are selling vegetables to their children. And the way I hope to sell mindfulness to these lawyers is by getting in their heads. And showing them that selling is all about perspective.

The greatest book I’ve ever read on sales is To Sell Is Human, by Daniel Pink. He makes the case that we are all selling, all the time. And he proposes that one thing that makes a good salesperson is the ability to see things through another’s perspective. If you’re selling a house and you can see things the way a buyer does, you’ll be a better seller. If you’re selling a case to a jury and you can see things through their eyes, you’re more likely to win.

Want to test your perspective? Try this, but you need a partner.  Face your partner, take your dominant hand, and snap 5 times. Then draw an E on your forehead. If the E faces your partner, you are seeing things through his perspective. If it faces you, then you’re seeing it through your own. That doesn’t make you a bad person. But it might make you a bad salesperson.

So I’m looking at thing through a lawyer’s perspective. I’m going to explain to them that mindfulness could make them happier, healthier and less likely to get divorced. I’ll explain that mindfulness will help them see things through others’ perspectives more often. And that could make better lawyers…and really rich. I’ve got my sales pitch ready.

I’m also still selling–my book! The Elegant Warrior gives you tools from the courtroom that you can use to be a better salesperson, no matter what you’re selling. You can buy it here. 

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Tell Me What You Want Me to Know

The Elegant Warrior-How to Win Life’s Trials Without Losing Yourself comes out on Tues. Chapter 3 is “Be Curious”.  And in that chapter, I share a little bit about Judge Rosemarie Aquilina.  Judge Aquilina presided over the Larry Nassar case, and I was changed by watching her.  She approached each women who came before her to testify with compassionate curiosity. And she used one phrase that has changed all of my relationships. “Tell me what you want me to know.”

Judge Aquilina didn’t say “What happened?” She didn’t say “Tell me what I need to know.” Instead, she put the ball in the women’s court. Judge Aquilina gave them the power to decide what was important. And by doing so she allowed many women to being the process of healing.

Now I use that request as often as possible. At work, with my clients, I no longer say “what happened?” or “what do you remember?” I say “tell me what you want me to know.” And I learn so much more than I ever would have if I went in with my interests in mind. These 8 words have enormous power outside of work as well. When a friend is sad, when a partner is angry, when a child is frustrated, “tell me what you want me to know” opens doors I didn’t even know were there, much less closed.

You can use these words too. Whether you’re in real estate, education, medicine, customer service or law, you can use these words to gain insight and take action. Once you understand what your clients want you to know, you can begin to advocate for them. But remember, before you can be a good advocate for anyone else, you need to advocate for yourself. So use these words with yourself as well. When you’re confused, frustrated, upset or angry, give yourself the gift of these words. “Tell me what you want me to know.” There’s a little voice inside of you that just might give you exactly what you need.

 

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An Email I Will Never Forget

This week I want to share an email I received from my friend, and someone who inspires me every day, Zena. She has used the advocacy tools from the courtroom to be on her OWN side and to advocate for herself. She said I could share her email, so here you go. You can do the same. YOU are The Elegant Warriors!

Dear Heather!

I wanted to let you know what happened with me & my Dr.’s over this weekend. As I mentioned to you I advocated for myself with the hopes of the Dr’s hearing me & possibly seeing things my way. Allow me to elaborate so it makes better sense. I was told that I have to do Home Dialysis along with In Center Dialysis. This got me quite upset but I listened even getting the surgery needed to do the new Dialysis. After getting the new port inserted i was told that I had to do 11-12 hours a day every single day and go In Center 2-3 days a week for 4 hours each session. Needless to say I was very upset & worried that not only would I have no time to do anything else but also not to even see Family & Friends.

After doing some of my own research and comparing everything with my weekly lab reports to me it seemed a bit excessive. I don’t believe that I am a Dr but I am someone who knows & understands end stage renal failure like the back of my hand. I watched my Father go thru this 19 years before he passed. I know this disease!

I gathered everything up & presented it to my Nurse then my Dr’s. I was told they would think about it and this morning I was told that I would be able to do the Home Dialysis 9 1/2 hours 6 days a week having 1 day off. I also will go to in Center Dialysis 2 days a week for 3 hours. After 45 days I will be reevaluated to see where we can alter (hopefully lower) Dialysis.

Never would this be possible had I not be so in touch with what you have been teaching me. I have listened, read nearly everything 2 or 3 times. I absolutely owe this to you & I had to tell you.

Thank you, Thank you THANK YOU! I love you, you are so very supportive & have been since you found out about my situation. This disease will in fact kill me but at least I will go my way. I am blessed.

So much love & respect to you Heather!

Your friend

Zena

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