Evil Editor's Blog, page 399
October 11, 2009
Trash Inspection 9
"Jeez, who eats this much Spam anyway?" Agent Bushel tore open another garbage sack.
"Keep your voice down." Agent Furlong pushed something brown and glistening aside with the tip of a pen. "We don't want to wake him 'til we got something solid."
"There's nothing solid in these sacks," Bushel said. "Look at what he eats. This guy must look like one of those hairless Egyptian cats that yawned and accidentally swallowed a hippopotamus."
"Quit whining, we haven't got all night."
"Okay, what about th...
"Keep your voice down." Agent Furlong pushed something brown and glistening aside with the tip of a pen. "We don't want to wake him 'til we got something solid."
"There's nothing solid in these sacks," Bushel said. "Look at what he eats. This guy must look like one of those hairless Egyptian cats that yawned and accidentally swallowed a hippopotamus."
"Quit whining, we haven't got all night."
"Okay, what about th...
Trash Inspection 8
I feel like a mutant raccoon in the Death Star's trash compactor. Tell me again why we're going through this clown's garbage?
He's famous. If we find anything incriminating he'll be in the scandal sheets for weeks. We'll be able to sell his bordello receipts to The National Enquirer and list his nail clippings and used condoms on Ebay.
Disgusting.
Hey, Watkins retired to Aruba off what he made going through Paris Hilton's trash.
Yeah, but he found a sex tape. Who'd wanna watch a sex tape of Evil ...
He's famous. If we find anything incriminating he'll be in the scandal sheets for weeks. We'll be able to sell his bordello receipts to The National Enquirer and list his nail clippings and used condoms on Ebay.
Disgusting.
Hey, Watkins retired to Aruba off what he made going through Paris Hilton's trash.
Yeah, but he found a sex tape. Who'd wanna watch a sex tape of Evil ...
Trash Inspection 7
"Eew-eew-eew-eew. EEW!"
Matti grinned at her. "What, you don't like old banana peels? …Unh?"
"Oh, my!"
"AAAGH! Get it off me get it off me!"
Elle grabbed the nearest weapon she could find, a red stiletto, and whacked away at the pallid claw that was dragging Matti into the trash can. Matti's hand disappeared, then his arm. He screamed a long, terrified scream, like a centipede caught in a bear trap.
And then there was silence.
And then there was a burp, and a yip, and a tiny fiber of pink tam float...
Matti grinned at her. "What, you don't like old banana peels? …Unh?"
"Oh, my!"
"AAAGH! Get it off me get it off me!"
Elle grabbed the nearest weapon she could find, a red stiletto, and whacked away at the pallid claw that was dragging Matti into the trash can. Matti's hand disappeared, then his arm. He screamed a long, terrified scream, like a centipede caught in a bear trap.
And then there was silence.
And then there was a burp, and a yip, and a tiny fiber of pink tam float...
Trash Inspection 6
"No thanks," said Agent Akuna, "I brought my own. Nitrile"
"No worries, Matilda. I'm a latex lover myself." U.S. Marshal Richard Dick winked with deliberate exaggeration and yanked the lid off the metal garbage can in the alley behind Evil Editor's house.
"If this guy's so smart, why would he leave incriminating evidence right where we could find it? I mean, what do you think we're gonna find?"
"Bones."
"Forensics would love that, but I don't think so."
"No really, bones." Dick tossed severa...
"No worries, Matilda. I'm a latex lover myself." U.S. Marshal Richard Dick winked with deliberate exaggeration and yanked the lid off the metal garbage can in the alley behind Evil Editor's house.
"If this guy's so smart, why would he leave incriminating evidence right where we could find it? I mean, what do you think we're gonna find?"
"Bones."
"Forensics would love that, but I don't think so."
"No really, bones." Dick tossed severa...
Trash Inspection 5
NOTE: You must read this in the gruff voice of a 1950's PI…
Mahoney and Ellis sifted through the mountains of slush. Ream upon ream of paper piled up in their wake like the chum-laden foam behind a shark fishing boat. Pages bloodied from paper cuts. The scent of a thousand perfumes permeated the air, wafting up from the most overtly hopeful of the romance manuscripts. It was almost enough to make a tough guy cry. Almost.
"Why are you crying, you pussy?" Mahoney asked Ellis.
"It's this cookbook ...
Mahoney and Ellis sifted through the mountains of slush. Ream upon ream of paper piled up in their wake like the chum-laden foam behind a shark fishing boat. Pages bloodied from paper cuts. The scent of a thousand perfumes permeated the air, wafting up from the most overtly hopeful of the romance manuscripts. It was almost enough to make a tough guy cry. Almost.
"Why are you crying, you pussy?" Mahoney asked Ellis.
"It's this cookbook ...
Trash Inspection 4
"I'm telling you, we could blow this conspiracy wide open."
"Come on, Mulder, you see conspiracies everywhere."
"How else can you account for the patterns in publishing over the past thirty years?"
"By the lowest common denominator effect, coupled to the essentially aleatory effect of public interest."
"Come on, Scully. Can that account for Grisham? Patterson? I've got X-Files - "
"Can we just get on with this, Mulder?"
"Sheesh. OK. I've got letters to authors here - 'Dear L.W., your Tractatus coul...
"Come on, Mulder, you see conspiracies everywhere."
"How else can you account for the patterns in publishing over the past thirty years?"
"By the lowest common denominator effect, coupled to the essentially aleatory effect of public interest."
"Come on, Scully. Can that account for Grisham? Patterson? I've got X-Files - "
"Can we just get on with this, Mulder?"
"Sheesh. OK. I've got letters to authors here - 'Dear L.W., your Tractatus coul...
Trash Inspection 3
When Detective Blantan first saw the dumpster, it had a pair of legs sticking out either side like a insect turned upside down in a mawkish parody of dead vermin. One pair of legs spoke.
"This is a veritable cornucopia of written uber-verbage. Each piece is like a babe breaching its nine-month night into a cold day, screaming and vying for succor from its dead mother," a disembodied voice said. From inside the dumpster papers flew into the air like crows from karaoke and then settled back like...
"This is a veritable cornucopia of written uber-verbage. Each piece is like a babe breaching its nine-month night into a cold day, screaming and vying for succor from its dead mother," a disembodied voice said. From inside the dumpster papers flew into the air like crows from karaoke and then settled back like...
Trash Inspection 2
"Cladius, what the hell are we looking for? I mean this man's not a politician so who gives a shit he's got a dozen mistresses? I get that its weird women want to sleep with a man whose muttonchops make him look like his dad was a werewolf and his mother was a caterpillar and whose eyes are so bloodshot they could sub for the neon lights over a porn shop, but that ain't illegal . . . crap," the agent grimaced as he pulled his hand out of the garbage. The air was now ripe with the scent of fec...
Trash Inspection 1
Hey, Ed. How are ya? I can't believe you called me! I can't believe you actually, finally, told me who you are....oh. Why would the Feds look through your freakin' trash? Say what? Say again? Why are ya doin' that low voice in the phone? It's not like I'd have recognized you if you talked 'regular', Ed. You sound like a whiskey-soaked whisperer in the back of a redneck's truck, and him….Are you freakin' kiddin' me, Ed? All these years I've known you...yeah, well, you're right about that, I've...
October 10, 2009
Evil Editor's Blog
- Evil Editor's profile
- 6 followers
Evil Editor isn't a Goodreads Author
(yet),
but they
do have a blog,
so here are some recent posts imported from
their feed.
