Evil Editor's Blog, page 349

Writing Exercise Results . . .

are in the posts below. The task was to write a scene in which a doomed Evil Editor is saved at the last second by a preposterous intervention--also known as Deus Ex Machina.

DEM 7

It started with a distant rumbling that grew louder and culminated with a rush of foul-smelling air.

Evil Editor clutched his protesting belly and charged across the crowded hall. This, he thought, is the last writers conference I ever agree to attend. Not only had the previous evening's Gala Seafood Buffet (Iowa's Finest) disagreed with him, it seemed intent upon continuing the argument for the duration.

EE crashed into the nearest restroom and spied an empty stall. The moment his rump connect...

DEM 6

Evil stirred a spoonful of sugar into his coffee. One more minute to live.

On the TV, the last of the emergency bulletin reporters yelled, "Christ! We're all going to diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiie!"

Asia, Europe — all gone. And no-one needed telling where the aliens were headed next. God Bless America.

The building shook beneath Evil's feet. His cherished Miss Snark rug juddered along the floor like a caterpillar and bore him to the apartment window as the pulse of distant fireballs ignited his e...

DEM 5

Someone had talked. Maybe it was an easily bribed minion (was there any other kind?); maybe Mrs. V. had let something slip before she passed out in the gutter one night. Whoever it was, they had compromised Evil Editor's location, and now he was waddling for his life.

The Authors' Guild had spared no expense in dealing with their nemesis. EE reached the fire escape before the cyborg ninjas broke through his office door; he dodged the curare-tipped darts as he made his way to ground level. But ...

DEM 4

So there was this old guy, see? Fat, muttonchops, looked like he stepped out of Dickens or something, know what I mean? And he walks up and he's like, hey, babe, check me out. And I'm like, OK, buddy that is my job but this is the express line and you've got, like, more items than you're supposed to.

So? he says. I'm important. I edited Grisham. I was like, cool, dude, I'll check out all your food if you'll just give this a look. (I keep my novel with me, see, because you never know when somet...

DEM 3

Evil Editor backed up slowly as his rejected authors closed in around him. All it had taken to lure him to this neighborhood was an anonymous invitation to an all-you-can-eat ribs and cheesecake block party. How could he have been so stupid as to fall for it?

Brandishing axes and maces and torches like vengeful villagers in a black and white horror movie, the would-be authors were nearly upon him. "Wait," he said. "What if I agree to publish all of your books?"

"Like we'd believe you. You've re...

DEM 2

Trapped upon the ledge of the erupting volcano, the desperate researchers clung to one another.

"I'm so sorry I brought you here," the handsome, mutton-chopped man murmured to the gorgeous, buxom, honey-blonde beauty in his arms.

"It's all right, Evil," she said, stifling a sob. "At least we're together."

All around them lava roiled, seething and surging as it drew inexorably closer. Flames licked and danced.

"At least we had Paris," said Evil gently.

"If only we had stayed in New York," she sobbe...

DEM 1

In the open kitchen stood a cook in jacket and toque, tending a pasta pot. A woman in a pastel silk gown with silver beading appeared at the top of the stairs leading into the great room. She swept down the stairs and floated on tiny steps to the ornately decorated dining table, her patent leather heels reflecting the candlelight; lavender and sandalwood preceded her.

"Chef Emilio," she said. "It's so nice of you to prepare this gourmet meal for EE's dinner party. It's my one and only chance a...

Saturday Film Series

Face-Lift 739

Guess the Plot

The Milky Way, China Poison

1. Gillian wants to start a new life, so she takes a job with a Chinese dairy, only to discover that her company's milk contains poison. She could speak up, but in China, whistleblowers tend to die young. Maybe Gillian should have started her new life in North Korea.

2. Ten years ago, Jade fled her abusive marriage. Now she's China Poison, semiprofessional wrestler, desperate to win the big cash prize at the Milky Way rumble. But she'll have to wrestle ...