Evil Editor's Blog, page 353

Feedback Request

The author of the book featured in Face-Lift 729 would like you to check out a new version of the query. It's in the comments there.

Fake Plots Needed

The supply of queries has been replenished, but fake plots haven't been coming in with the usual frequency. Especially needed for the ones near the top of the queue.

Cartoon 588

Caption: Steve Wright

Your caption on the next cartoon! Link in sidebar.

Feedback Request

The author of the book featured in Face-Lift 704 has posted a new version in the comments there, and would like your input.

Writing Exercise Results . . .

. . . are in the posts below. The task was to choose a scene from one's writings and to enhance it with some bad analogies.

Bad Analogies Scene 6

As they approached, moving like two racewalkers in a crowded race where the starting gun has just gone off and the front racers are racewalking their way down the street but the racers at the back where these two are still can't do more than shuffle along, the huge body, looking very much like a beached whale that had evolved for a few hundred million years and now sported fur, four legs and horns, resolved itself into one of the wooly rhinos. The rhinos hadn't looked too healthy to begin wit...

Bad Analogies Scene 5

Dear Neighbour

Cat food, chopped into hideous chunks like the mangled remains of a troll fed to a teething baby dragon, in cupboard under the sink, litter in scullery.

Half a tin morning and night should be enough. If not, I'm as confused about feline protein intake as a drunk guru on a pint of methylated spirits a day likely is regarding strategies for prolonging both long life and erection.

Unless you wish me to hurl you into a pit of vipers for neglecting your duties with the laissez-faire of...

Bad Analogies Scene 4

"I'm going to die soon," I told him.

He turned to look at me like a pointer on the scent of a down pillow.

"It's genetic. My genes are going to hunt me down and kill me."

"Shouldn't you be in a hospital, then?"

"Oh, no. I'll be perfectly healthy, and then bang! Fate carries a P220 in her purse."

Kevin's voice was soft. "That's it, then—why you didn't want to talk to me."

I laughed, and it wasn't a funny laugh. "I'm a losing investment, Kevin, just like betting on whether or not a dorm room needs mo...

Bad Analogies Scene 3

Iz grabbed a moist wash cloth out of the shower and used it to wipe down the sink and the toilet like a guy cleaning your windshield at a red light even though you don't want it cleaned and expecting you to pay him. Then he rinsed it in the toilet water and hung it back in the shower like a Mapplethorpe. No time to clean the tub, so he closed the shower curtain, gambling that Tricia wouldn't look behind it. No toilet bowl cleaner, but there was a full bottle of mint-flavored Scope. He took a ...

Bad Analogies Scene 2

Then it came into view, cresting one of the massive waves like a 336 bus leaving High Wycombe, and his faint hopes were dashed.

The ghost ship glowed with a ragged phosphorescence. It was an old square-rigged sailing ship, and its sails hung like mildewed shower curtains from rotting spars. The hull was slimy, the timbers warped and warty with barnacles. There were things moving on its decks, things that might once have been the ship's crew, each one surrounded by its own fitful greenish glow,...