Evil Editor's Blog, page 335

Evil Eulogy 6

What can I say about a man who reached the very pinnacle of his profession and then decided to quit snake handling and become an editor? And, three months later, decided to quit editing and become a full-time blogger? Only one thing: I'm not dead, idiots.

And by "not dead," I don't mean like zombies, vampires, Jesus, and everyone who ever died on Lost.

I know what you're thinking. If you're alive, who's that in the casket? Hey, did anyone bother to flip him over, get his wallet and check his ID...

Evil Eulogy 5

Hollowed steps echoed in a packed church as the man approached the church podium. The paid speaker cleared his throat.

"Dearly beloved…uh…excuse me…" Hack, hack, hack…cough – he started again. "It's a terribly day today and we are all mourning. When I was told of his death…for me…instantly time stopped and this now momentous memory is burned in my mind, forever. I had the pleasure of meeting the fearless man who so easily pioneered the very paths our careers follow today. He's an icon in the p...

Evil Eulogy 4

Sorry I'm late, ladies and gentlemen; schoolwork and all that. Where's my notebook? My notes are—aha, here.

Evil Editor—genius, progenitor of the written word, scourge of authors and agents alike. We are gathered here to honor his passing with what he loved most: 300 words.

EE was born in New York nearly 80 years ago, and his childhood was unhappy but meaningful. His teachers had better English for the rest of their lives. In high school, EE—hold on a sec, the pages are sticking together—in hig...

Evil Eulogy 3

"We are gathered here today to remember a good friend, a pillar of the commu..." The speaker bent nearly 45 degrees forward with a jerk and his hand shot into pants pocket and grabbed flesh like the shark from jaws just clamped down on his most sensitive parts.

"Sorry. Just a pinch. I'll continue." He straightened his clothing. "...nity, and a pioneer of queries. His prowess at..." His eyebrows popped upwards and his face registered more surprise than if the Second Coming occurred at the rear ...

Evil Eulogy 2

I'm sweating like a pig even though the room is very cold. It's better for the corpse I'm told. I didn't look at the body, it's behind me, I'm looking out at the saddest group of mourners you could put together. I hang on to the lecturn, knuckles clenched, jaw working. They are bawling like calves being weaned.

Dave is blowing loudly into his handerchief, muttering about an unchosen continuation. Prince Parakeet is chewing his thumbnail to the quick, he's bleating on about the cartoon needing ...

Evil Eulogy 1

We are gathered here today to reflect on, and celebrate, the life of... a man who needs no introduction from me.

Born... not far from here (at least in astronomical terms), he grew up in... roughly the same place... and built a successful career doing... whatever the hell he did... editing, I guess. He was celebrated and beloved in... the community of which he was part, and everyone respected his... many sterling qualities, which are so well known that I don't need to expand on them here.

How m...

Saturday Film Series

Cartoon 627

Caption: Anon.

Your caption on the next cartoon! Link in sidebar.

CELEBRATE!

Some of the Evil Minions have arranged an anniversary event for today, the 4th anniversary of this blog. Here's the address.

And for something else to do, here are three amusing posts from the archives worth revisiting:

Evil Jr. helps critique a query on Bring Your Kid to Work Day

Continuation Writing Made Simple

Minions Being Their usual Helpful and Funny Selves in a Typical Comment Trail

Q & A 178

Could you post a query rating along with your guess the plot entries? For example:

0=so bad it is funny, Agent/Editor prints a copy to show to friends.
1=Agent/Editor deletes before finishing.
2=A/E reads the whole thing, deletes.
3=A/E reads the whole thing, sends stock rejection.
4=A/E reads, thinks about the query for a few seconds, sends stock rejection.
5=A/E reads, thinks, asks for partial.


You'll never make it as an editor/agent with such generous ratings. Here's how EE classifies h...