Barbara Schmidt's Blog, page 25

Give Yourself Permission

As children, we are taught to always ask permission. You want to go somewhere? Ask permission. You want to eat something? Ask permission. You want to do something? Ask permission. You want to see a friend? Ask permission.

Permission was always asked before doing anything, at least if you wanted to be an obedient child. I was a follow-the-rules kind of girl, so this was very much me. However, I know there are rule breakers out there, and we can chat about this dynamic in another blog.

While I obviously understand the immense importance of children seeking approval in doing things at a young age, it seems to me that the habit of looking for approval seeps into adulthood in ways that I only recently uncovered.

A couple weeks ago, I was having a conversation with my mentor, Rha Goddess, about a creative project I have been brewing for quite sometime. I tend to be perfectionistic when it comes to my work and so, I was majorly stalling on getting the job done. I felt frustrated by my own limitations but also confused as to what exactly was keeping me in this unproductive holding pattern.

Rha is brilliantly inquisitive and intuitive. She knew that I held such a strong desire to actually create this project, and she nudged me into looking deeper into myself to see if I could uncover what was really holding me back.

I searched my soul for answers, and I realized that underneath all the logistical, mechanical nonsense that my brain was throwing at me, relating to why my desires couldn’t be attained, I was afraid. I was afraid of being wrong, of not being good enough to do what I wanted to do, of failing, of judgment, and of being the subject of the harshest critic, myself.

Rha then asked if I could find it within me, to give myself permission to do the work. She asked me to recognize that I am already worthy of my desires, and that I do not have to be perfect. I can be afraid, and do it anyway. She asked me if I could give myself permission to fully be myself, and not worry so much about what will happen in doing so.

A light went on in my mind, and I immediately began to take inventory of all the places in my life where I refuse to give myself permission. It also forced me into a serious reflection on why exactly I feel so hesitant to allow myself to just be exactly me, as I am.

What I know to be true is that it’s time for us all to unlearn the conditioned behavior of needing permission or approval from external sources, and to cultivate the courage and belief that we, alone can provide that proverbial nod to do what we know in our soul needs to be done. Can we take a look at our own lives and see where we, for so long, have said no to ourselves, and be brave enough to finally say, yes?

Starting now, I intend to give myself permission to:

…make decisions without seeking external input

…speak freely and truthfully

…not hold back aspects of who I am, for fear of not conforming

…let go of the desire to always be in control

…release the need to constantly change myself

…rest

…be alone

…disagree

…fail

…be exactly who I am in each and every moment.

Truthfully, I find great comfort in making (and publicly announcing) this list of where I intend to step up. It’s freeing to know that we don’t have to wait to live the life we desire, and that it all stems from inside ourselves.

Granting yourself permission, in whichever way you feel called to (and I’d love to know where you intend to do this in your lives) is really a daily practice of noticing, allowing, and being courageous in taking the appropriate action. It’s a relief for me to know that I no longer need to ask others for what I already know I approve of within myself. I hope you’ll give yourself permission to do it, too.

I can’t wait to hear how you’ll take this into practice!

xo, Michelle

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How I Learned to Belong

I’ve been trying really hard to pinpoint when exactly it was that I felt like I had to fit in or belong somewhere. To be honest, I can’t remember the starting point. It’s a feeling though, that seems like it has been within me my whole life. 

Though I can’t remember the very first moment or situation that sparked a sense of needing to belong within me, I can vividly recall the many instances where I yearned to belong, and how it felt to fall short: the disappointment, discomfort, and frustration. It truly is painful to feel like you don’t belong: I often imagine it like a bird flying in the sky, searching for somewhere to land, but never finding a safe place to come down to earth.

It’s a frantic, desperate energy, that feels pretty lonely, too, and yet I’m confident that we all feel this way at one point or another. We crave belonging, we all yearn to feel like we have a place in life, somewhere that we fit in, no matter what. An unconditional safety net, a save haven, a forever home. The place where we can land at any time.

If you had asked me a several years ago, how I would define “belonging”, it would have been an externally focused definition. Belonging is your social circle, your workplace, your religion. It’s how you match up to societal norms, your appearance, how you rate on the “normal” scale; all the boxes you tick in life. Belonging to me was blending in, being accepted, and loved.

This definition caused me to spend a majority of my life craving this external belonging, via groups of people, social status, education, and popularity. I felt that I had to be constantly changing myself to fit my surroundings, and was forever on alert for when I needed to pivot and make changes to fit in.

I was a very shy but strong-minded, introspective child who was very okay with being alone (I am a Scorpio after all). I liked having friends and spending time with them, but didn’t feel like I needed to be social, all the time. If left to my own devices, I would probably seek social circumstances when called to, but likely wouldn’t feel it was a priority. Somewhere, I picked up the belief that being social meant being cool and accepted, the more friends you had, the better. I began to forego my own personal preferences, and constantly sought out social circumstances. I disavowed my true nature, for the sake of external belonging, and so I spent many years of life choosing unaligned social circumstances, just for the sake of “fitting in”. This is just one example, in my own life! We all have many different ways that we seek belonging, and go against the grain of who we are, to fill that void.

No amount of changing, adjusting, and camouflaging actually brought me the belonging I craved. It just made me feel more lost, disconnected, and alone. After years of frustration, confusion, and heartache, I realized that something had to change. I had to alter my course, take a look at what belonging really meant to me, and redefine it.

Belonging, to me, is no longer an external desire, but an internal foundation that I cultivate on a daily basis. My quest for belonging is now finding a safe haven, and a solid home in myself. It’s a curiosity, a remembering, and a deep knowing, of who I really am and what I really want.

I have spent so much time with myself, getting to know my real self, my deepest desires, values, dreams, and beliefs. I made myself, my wellbeing, and my relationship to both, a priority. I uncovered things about myself, learned, and remembered. I learned to love myself, to treat myself with respect, and to honor my place in the world. I created that “safe little landing space” inside myself, knowing that I am always home when I am connected with me.

From that strong place within, I feel a sense of ease and peace on the outside. I feel a holistic belonging that is aligned with exactly who I am. The deep knowing of who I am and what I want, gives me the clarity to make life decisions, the confidence to say no to people and places that aren’t in alignment with my values, and the certainty to know that when life is lived from this place of awareness, I’ll never be forgotten or left behind. 

My heart is at ease knowing that belonging doesn’t have to be something that I seek ever again, as long as I remember that I will always belong to myself.

xo, Michelle

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I’m Vowing to Stop This Habit

I often start my blogs by telling a story, recalling some personal event that has taught me something, and then I pass it along to you. I really love to share my stories. I consider myself a storyteller, it feels good, and I love the connection that the act inspires.

There’s another kind of storytelling though, one that seemingly does the opposite of everything I just described above. Rather than connection, it encourages separation, and it definitely does not make anyone feel good. The kind of storytelling I’m referring to is when we write stories in our minds about someone else’s actions or experiences, as a way to better understand a situation.

I recently experienced a difficult situation with a close friend. We had a disagreement and our communication about the problem was poor, in fact, it was non-existent. I knew my side of the story, but I didn’t know my friend’s. I couldn’t figure out why this person who I considered to be a close confidant, was acting this way.

Out of frustration and desperation, I started to write my own stories. Were we fighting because of stress? Because of something I had done? Or something completely different? Did it have anything to do with me at all?

I wracked my mind and created stories to answer every question that I had. I was addicted to coming up with the “why,” and I allowed myself to spiral into an endless abyss of questions, and making up my own answers, simply to satisfy my own mind and to hopefully, cope with what was happening. I felt that if I could come up with a good enough story, I would solve the puzzle, and feel better about the situation.

I didn’t feel better, though. And I didn’t cultivate the grand solution to the problem. The “why” never came, and I was exhausted because of it all. It finally hit me that I have held this underlying habit of telling stories in this way for a long, long time. Can you relate?

Storytelling in this way doesn’t have to be as intense as a blowup with a good friend, it can be as simple as making an assumption about a stranger in the grocery store, or judging someone by their appearance or social stature, or making excuses for why people do certain things. These are all stories that we subconsciously write in our minds every day, and guess what? They’re not true, and they’re not productive.

No matter how smart or intuitive we are, the truth of the matter is, we will never fully know or understand what it’s like to be someone else. We can’t know what is going through someone else’s mind or the life circumstances they’ve lived through that influence the way they behave. It’s just impossible to know what makes people the way that they are. And it’s not our job, or our business to try.

The truth is, writing stories about other people is a waste of our own time and energy. And it takes away from our own abilities to take responsibility for ourselves and our actions.

In the situation with my friend from above, rather than writing stories, I could have asked more questions. Or, I could have let the situation go, and allowed it space for resolution instead. The endless toiling never gave me any more clarity or closure, and it made me feel like a victim to what was unknown.

The way we can take our power back is to fully understand how we want to show up and present ourselves in any situation or circumstance, and release the need to know the “why’s” for anyone else. We can find comfort in remembering and knowing what is true, and releasing the need to know more.

We can start to ask questions when appropriate, and come to accept that sometimes we can’t know it all. We can remember that we cannot ever control other people and the outcomes to life’s circumstances, but we can control our responses and reactions to them. And we can find peace in knowing that sometimes, that is enough.

xo, Michelle

The post I’m Vowing to Stop This Habit appeared first on Peaceful Mind Peaceful Life.

My Favorite Affirmations for Summertime

Hello my lovely friends!

I am writing to you from the Miami airport, about to take-off to London for a few days! I am incredibly excited to be visiting one of my favorite cities, and as an added bonus, we are going to be visiting the Chelsea Flower Show, one of my bucket list experiences!

It felt appropriate, as I sit here about to go on an adventure, that it might be time to talk about summer, and the mindset I’m cultivating for the next few months.

If you’ve been reading my blogs lately, I’ve been working through some heaviness in my personal life, especially when it comes to my close relationships. That, combined with the stresses of the dealings of the world around us, can make it feel impossible to loosen up and actually have fun. I don’t know about you, but I’ve always equated summer to fun, so I feel it deep in my bones that it’s time to turn this ship around to happier times.

It’s really easy to get caught up in the drama, trauma, and difficulty of life. Thoughts seem to multiply especially if they are of worry, anxiety, and unease. One of my favorite ways to remember to see the good in life is by incorporating positive affirmations into my day. Many of you might roll your eyes at the term positive affirmations because they come with a bit of a woo woo reputation. Affirmations are just happier thoughts. We have no control over what thoughts come into the mind, but we have 100% control over which thoughts we will allow to occupy space. So we can use affirmations every day to help us to cultivate the life and mindset that we truly wish to have.

With that in mind, I want to share with you these affirmations for summertime that I’ll be happily using. Take a look at the list, feel free to rewrite them to make them your own, and try them out!

1. Fun is purposeful and meaningful in my life.

2. It’s okay for me to relinquish control and go with the flow.

3. I am present and at peace with what surrounds me.

4. I am excited for all of the creative possibilities to enter my life.

5. I welcome ease and peace into my life.

xo, Michelle

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How I Handle Difficult Interactions

I know that over the past few weeks I’ve written a lot about relationships. It may seem a bit repetitive, but I feel that so much has happened for me personally lately that has taught me about relationships, that I feel like it’s important to share my experiences, personal discoveries, and my top tips for handling difficult interactions. Sharing is caring, and I care about you!

How to manage and navigate relationships has been a major theme of my life in 2019. Of course, we all want to cultivate healthy relationships in our homes and workplaces that bring us happiness, joy, peace, and support. However, life constantly brings us people who present challenges, create opportunities for growth, and teach us so much.

Though I love and treasure my happy, functioning, solid relationships more than I can share, I can say with one-hundred percent certainty that it has been the difficult relationships, my challenging interactions, and the heartbreaks that have provided me with the most growth. They have given me the opportunity to really fine tune how I show up in relationships moving forward.

Not to make the art of relating to other people sound trite, but every time I manage to weather another relationship storm, I feel like I’ve earned a new badge of honor. We have an experience, it challenges us, and we learn what to do next time. Every interaction is like a clue to figuring out life. It teaches us something new that we can take with us.

So, like I said, I have been presented with some challenging life circumstances this year when it comes to problematic people, and to be honest, I feel like I’ve become somewhat of a “master” at it, if I do say so myself.

I know for sure that I’m not perfect at maneuvering through these difficult moments, but lately these simple reminders have been really helping me out. If you’re struggling to work through relationship difficulties, I have mapped out some simple steps that are emotional “life savers”, for making sure I take care of myself, while living through the uncomfortable situation.

Remember it’s not personal.

This should be the real golden rule because in any interaction, if we can remember that how people treat, behave, and react to your presence is never personal, we would save ourselves from so much inner turmoil. When faced with someone who is giving you grief, remember not to make it worse by believing that it’s your fault. You are not responsible for other people’s actions. Release yourself from this, so that you can be available for real solutions to your problem at hand.

*Side note, if you’d like to read more about not taking things personally, I highly recommend The Four Agreements by don Miguel Ruiz, his words on this topic in particular have helped me immensely throughout my life.

Give your self space for response.

It’s pretty common to be in a heated circumstance with someone else and have a knee jerk, inflammatory reaction, that we ultimately regret. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve sent a reactionary text, email or said something I didn’t mean, in the heat of the moment, to only make a bad situation that much worse.

When we are in a heightened state, due to uncomfortable reactions, we rarely will say the things that we mean, and we usually will say the things that will spark an inflammatory reaction in return. I’ve made it a rule for myself to give myself time and space to react and respond when presented with a challenging situation.

I often will write up what I would like to say and save it as a draft, but I will never send something or say something in the heat of the moment. The allowance for space in difficult moments gives us a chance to breath, get clear, and understand how we want to respond in a calm, aligned way.

Try to see their point of view.

The funny thing about relating to people is that we can only know so much about them, and we will never really know what it’s like to actually be them, and to live their very personal life. We all have been given such unique life circumstances, the challenges, the traumas, and the triumphs, that we all come to the table with a completely unique perspective.

With that in mind, it’s kind of easy to see how we, as these very unique humans, don’t see eye to eye all the time. The times when I’ve really done damage in a heated moment has been when I’ve forgotten the humanity of the person I was in conflict in. When I made them bad, evil and wrong and didn’t take the space to remember that they are also a human just trying to navigate through life. It’s enormously helpful to try and put yourself in their shoes, just for a moment, to gain a new perspective and a better sense of understanding.

Understand your needs and know your boundaries.

I really do believe that people are brought into our lives for reasons, and I believe that each relationship and interaction is a teacher. I wrote about this in last week’s blog, sometimes relationships aren’t meant to last forever, and that’s completely okay.

When life presents you with someone who is consistently pushing your buttons, it’s important to know where you draw the line. The very best way to come fully prepared in any kind of relationship or human interaction is, to be so fully confident and sure of your own needs, wants, and desires, and what you are and are not willing to tolerate.

Then, you will know when it’s time to make appropriate changes to a situation. People are able to manipulate and pull you into further dysfunction when you are not solid and clear within yourself. Arm yourself healthy, strong boundaries, and with clarity from within, so that you can feel a deep sense of confidence in your interactions, always.

If nothing else, I hope that you remember that we are all humans who make mistakes, get carried away, and disappoint other people. Remember to forgive yourself for your faults, make amends for where you have misstepped, and honor yourself by only permitting the people who honor you, into your life.

xo, Michelle

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I Wish I Had Known This Truth About Relationships Sooner

This might come as a surprise, but I’ve never considered myself someone who is “good” at relationships. Throughout my life I’ve had many falling outs with girlfriends, really rocky break-ups with boyfriends, and uncomfortable dysfunction with family.

I can vividly picture myself every time a relationship went sour, wondering what I had done wrong, trying to figure out why the relationship didn’t last, and writing crazy stories about what it meant about me, as a human. I thought it reflected something really subpar in myself, such as I was unworthy of having healthy relationships. I wondered if I was too difficult, high maintenance, or weird to be loved in the way that I felt I should be.

Somewhere along the way in my life, I picked up the belief that a sure sign of someone who is “successful” in relationships is the quantity of longstanding relationships a person has. Meaning, I watched too much Babysitters’ Club, and I read too many memes from Pinterest that made me believe that functional humans maintain the same relationships and the same dynamics, forever. You are supposed have the same group of girlfriends your whole life, if you’re a normal person, right?

I recently had to come face to face with this belief when a longstanding, important friendship hit a very large bump in the road. I was devastated, uncomfortable, angry and confused. But oddly enough, I was also embarrassed.

What did it mean about me, if yet again, I was sorting through another relationship that hadn’t lasted like I expected it to? I sat with myself questioning everything. I wondered what I had done wrong? Why did it seem I was so difficult to love? How did I seem to be in this situation so often?

In all of my introspection and reflection on the topic, I realized something that I wished I had known so many years ago:

It’s okay for a friendship (or a relationship) to end.

I felt such relief even typing that sentence again. It’s truly okay if a relationship is no longer. Similarly, it’s okay if a relationship takes a pause. It’s okay if a relationship changes form and dynamic. It’s okay for relationships to unfold differently than you expected them to.

The truth about relationships is that they are in a constant state of flux. We are all always changing. We are being influenced by life, its circumstances, and our own unique paths. Sometimes life will bring people into your life, and sometimes it will remove them.

When I finally realized and owned within my soul, that the way a relationship plays out, does not equate to my worthiness or ability to be loved, I felt a sense of peace and freedom not felt in this area in a long, long time.

I replaced the fear of losing people with the belief that life would always present the perfect people for me in each moment of my life. My shame and sadness about relationship failures of the past, has now been replaced with curious optimism about what new relationships will bloom in my future.

I really do think it’s true what they say, that relationships can come into your life for a reason or a season or a lifetime. Some relationships come to teach us powerful lessons, some will bring stories, memories, heartache and love, and some truly are here for the long haul.

It isn’t up to us to decide how a relationship will unfold, and it isn’t constructive for us to place our self-worth in how our relationships workout. What we can control and what is our responsibility is how we show up, how to stay true to who we are, how we honor ourselves and our values. Trust that life will continue to present the right people, at the right time.

xo, Michelle

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Eight Ways to Create Your Own Inspiration

I don’t know about you, but I love overdosing on inspirational material. I seek out books, events, and blogs for my daily dose of inspiration and positivity. I’m so grateful that we live in a time that there are so many readily available outlets that promote happiness and wellbeing.

With all this being said, I am one of those people that likes to do things my self and be a little more self-reliant. What if I could be in charge of my own inspiration and personal happiness?

Life can be grueling, day in and day out dealing with responsibilities and different challenges. We can forget that in the end, we are in charge of the life we see and create. This week I want to give you eight simple tools for creating inspiration in any given day.

You don’t have to be at a retreat or somewhere peaceful to find calm and stillness. Check out these tips below to learn more:

1. Find your own sense of stillness. What does connecting with yourself mean to you? Make it a point everyday to sit in stillness in some way. Go inward, connect, and get a sense of your own magnificence.

2. Get moving. It’s great to be in stillness, but it’s also great to move your body. Many of us spend most of our days sedentary at desks or in cars. Find time to get moving! Even if it’s only five minutes, you’ll feel rejuvenated, inspired and ready to tackle whatever’s coming next for you in your day.

3. Find an inspiration buddy. Choose one person in your life who can be a go-to to pick you up when you might need a boost. You can think of this person (or maybe group of people) as your spiritual running buddy. Someone who has the same interests, values, and ideals that can share your path of ups and downs with you and lend an hand when needed.

4. Pay attention to the details. When we get bored with life, we often times have shut down and aren’t really paying attention to just how amazing life is. Seek out the magnificence in the smallest details of your day.

5. Use mantras and affirmations. By simply replacing your negative thoughts with more positive ones you are creating a shift. Mantras and affirmations are great tools to have in your back pocket for when you really need an inspired boost. Choose a few that you like and write them down on post-its or in your phone so you can have a go-to when you need it.

6. Make a gratitude list. One of the greatest ways to feel better is to remember all that you have to be thankful. Gratitude lists are so amazing in that way. Feeling blue? Put pen to paper and jot down what’s already amazing in your life at this very moment. You’ll be amazed and inspired.

7. Be of service. Another great way to feel great? Help someone else out! Do something nice for someone else, perform random acts of kindness, or simply just show compassion and patience. Your energy effects this world. What imprint are you leaving?

8. Plan something that excites your soul. I love when I can look at my calendar and see something exciting to look forward to. Even if it’s something small, plan outings, events, or trips that light you up inside. Whether it’s meeting with your spiritual running buddy or taking that vacation you’ve long desired, add some inspired excitement into your calendar.

I hope this leaves you feeling inspired for the week to come! I’d love to hear your thoughts on how you create your own inspiration!

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How I Manage My Relationship with Grief

Easter is a holiday that brings up a lot of emotion for me. I was raised in the Greek Orthodox faith, and even though my Easter won’t be celebrated until next weekend, I felt called to share the feelings of grief that always come through for me at this time of year.

I spent a lot of my growing up years at church with my dad. He was very passionate about religion and faith, so much so that he wanted to be a priest at one point in his life. I would attend every single service possible with him. It was what we did together, and in the Orthodox church services, you are in church for many, many, many hours. And I really, really, really liked it, oddly enough.

If you’ve been reading my blog for a while you may remember that my dad passed away unexpectedly almost 12 years ago. I cry writing this sentence for you, because even though 12 years feels like a long time, it also feels like no time at all. His death was and still is the most challenging life event I have had to maneuver through so far.

I vividly remember a few months after my dad passed away, I was still very immersed in my mourning. I was a hot mess, actually. I felt like I just could not get it together, and absolutely everything made me emotional. I remember being embarrassed by my inability to shake it off, and my friend, in her attempts to comfort me, let me off the hook by declaring that I was allowed to take one whole year to be a mess about it all. I took it to heart, and felt a sense of relief that there was this unspoken rule that everyone who experiences grief, gets a year to get over it.

As the year mark approached I remember still not feeling very complete with my grief, and feeling a sense of dread that the moment was going to arrive, and I wasn’t going to be ready, that I needed more time. When the year mark arrived, surprise, surprise I wasn’t over it. And I felt like something was wrong with me.

I didn’t want to be that “messy person” who couldn’t get over things, so, in my young mind, I felt like I had to turn off my feelings, because I was given my “get out of grieving free card’, and now I had to be normal again. I tried really, really hard to push away my grief, and it oftentimes came out sideways. It showed up as anger, denial, and in me pretending that nothing had even happened at all.

In the 12 years since entering the grief club (I guess it’s a club, I’m not sure what else to call it, but I’m open to suggestions!), I’ve learned that grief never goes away, not completely anyway. It is my experience that once the threshold is crossed, it’s something that stays with you forever. It’s almost as if you become a time traveler or that you straddle two realities or two worlds; the one before and the one after, and you’ll tick tock between the two, probably forever.

Memories will flash into your mind unexpectedly that will completely take you out. You’ll feel overwhelmed with what was, and what is no longer. Sometimes your brain won’t be able to comprehend it all. You’ll come across things that can remind you of the person that only you notice, and you’ll really wish that you could tell that person all about it, but you can’t. It’s a perpetual itch that you can never really scratch.

You’ll feel like, if you allowed yourself to, you could cry every single day thinking about it, but you probably won’t let yourself. You should though. You’ll wonder what things would be like if it reality was different. You’ll also mourn all the memories and moments that you thought you’d have, that you never will. You’ll get triggered a lot, and it will make you feel like you’re weak, but I promise you it will make you stronger. 

And even though all these things feel incredibly painful, there’s a silver lining because I believe there’s always a silver lining. We all know that with every ending comes a new beginning, and with grief being that forever friend, we are ushered into a new relationship with what has been lost. Just like any other relationship, it has its highs and lows.

Like I said before, grief is forever, and I don’t think that’s a bad thing because the things that we feel surrounding grief are the reminders of someone or something that meant a tremendous amount to us. It’s the reminder that love was present, and that even if it’s no longer in its original form, that love still exists.

I’ve noticed that when I embrace my grief, and the feelings that come with it, I feel closer to what I lost. I will always feel a tinge of sadness when I hear an Alanis Morissette song on the radio, or eat Greek food, because it will always remind me of my dad, but I can usher that sadness into gratitude knowing that in those moments, I’m getting a little wink from him that he’s still around, although in a different form.

Grief is the the most humanizing process, it reminds you that we can lose, but that we also can heal. It’s unifying in that, at one point or another in this life we will become members of this club, and that’s weirdly comforting, isn’t it? It’s personal in that we will all maneuver through it differently, and we should always allow ourselves to create our own relationship with it. We all have to work through the trauma and feelings that come with it, and it’s necessary to allow yourself the time and the space to do so.

Judging yourself or putting yourself on a timeline won’t help you get through grief, it actually just makes things worse. Pushing your feelings down will turn you into someone that ultimately, you won’t be able to recognize. Shutting off from the new reality will keep you in a perpetual state of loss. The magic or the key to cultivating a healthy relationship with grief is remembering that you are responsible for the relationship you have with it, and honing the awareness to care for yourself and that relationship. 

I know I’ve used a lot of metaphors for grief today, and I’ll give you one more as my parting thought. Think of grief as the ocean, with waves. Some waves are big, and can feel like they’ll take you out. Remember to keep your head above water, and do your best to keep breathing through it. Some waves come with storms that will require preparation and help, remember it’s always safe and appropriate to ask for help. Some waves are small that you’ll feel for a brief moment and it will pass. Some waves are fun and joyful, relish in them.

And of course you’ll have moments when it’s a clear blue sky with not a ripple in the sea. If we can learn to ride these waves, whenever and however they appear, grief will no longer feel like a burden, but a strength because it means that ultimately, we’ve learned how to weather it.

xo, Michelle

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Uncovering Your Authentic Self

This past week I presented a workshop on finding your authentic self with my trusted sidekick, my mom. I received so much feedback and requests for more, from those who weren’t able to make it, that I decided, why not turn our discussion into this week’s blog!

It was our intention for this workshop to provide concrete practices, which we all can incorporate into our lives, to truly tap into the amazingly, unique people we really are.

I have a soft spot in my heart for this workshop, as it wasn’t too long ago that I felt completely disconnected from my real self. Nothing in my external life was matching my innermost desires, and it left me feeling anxious, sad, frustrated, misunderstood, lonely, and sometimes even, depressed. It makes perfect sense that I would feel this way. I wasn’t being true to who I really was, and I was completely ignoring the real me.

The saving grace was tapping into my feelings, asking myself some important questions, and cultivating a deeper sense of awareness. This was key for me to begin making small shifts to realign myself.

Many of us, at one point or another in life, find ourselves questioning who we are, examining why we’ve made the choices that we’ve made, and wondering what our purpose actually is in this life. Asking ourselves these kinds of existential questions is important! These questions can feel scary or daunting, but remember, the answers give you all the clues you need to figure out this game of life.

In our workshop we did a lot of journaling and writing exercises. I’d love for you to experience that too, so grab your journal and a pen. Settle in for some personal excavation into your most authentic self.

Ask yourself these questions in your journal. Don’t try to edit what comes to mind, and don’t try to write what you think are the correct answers, let the pen come to paper and allow whatever comes to mind onto the page:

Who am I?

What do I really, really want?

What do I value?

What do I wish to achieve in this life?

What does an ideal day look like? (Be as descriptive as possible)

What are my dreams? (Think of your ideals for your relationships, your work, your home, your family, your community, etc.)

Make a list of people you admire or even feel envious of sometimes. Take inventory of their qualities and traits. Are they doing something you wish you could be doing in life?

How do you envision yourself in 5 years?

Allow these questions to be a framework for the answers that you seek about yourself. Be curious about your answers. Did anything come up that is surprising to you?

Start to think about some small actions you can take that can bring you more into alignment with what you’ve written down. Perhaps it’s taking a dance class for fun, or getting back in the kitchen to cook. It could even be calling someone who makes you feel safe and supported. Notice how you feel when you take actions that are in alignment with who you really are. Then remember to keep doing it.

Remember, we are all constantly in a state of becoming who we really are. This is a lifelong practice and journey of uncovering, discovering, growing, and changing. It’s a beautiful practice when we lean back and allow what is to come through.

xo, Michelle

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Releasing Codependency

If you were to ask me what I think one of life’s biggest lessons is, I would without hesitation say, relationships. If you stop and think about it, relationships infiltrate every single part of our lives. How we relate to our partners, our spouses, friends, family, colleagues, strangers, the environment, animals, and ourselves, affects our lives in some way, shape, or form. Basically, relationships are everything, and if we want to live the very best life we can, it’s important to know the ins and outs of cultivating healthy, meaningful relationships.

This week I want to talk about what I think is one of the biggest obstacles to healthy relationships: codependency. A codependent is someone who is fully reliant (in his or her actions, beliefs, opinions, and/or identity) on another person. Codependency can show up in a multitude of ways: romantic relationships, familial relationships, friendships, partnerships, and even in the teacher/student sphere.

Codependency leaves no one happy: not you, your loved ones, nor anyone around you.

Years ago, while maneuvering my way through an incredibly codependent romantic relationship, I was given the book Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. Up until that moment, I had never labeled myself as a codependent. I thought the term strictly defined people in dysfunctional relationships with an addict.

I thought I was someone who was loving, loyal, and willing to do whatever it took to make my relationship work (and I was miserable, by the way). While reading the book, I felt like the author was speaking straight to me, telling me what I needed to hear, and helping me to identify how to break these tendencies and ultimately be happy in my relationships.

Identifying the problem, and becoming aware of your own actions is always the first major step towards creating healthy change. If you are unclear if you’re displaying codependent tendencies in your relationships, I’ve put together a list of some signs to look out for:

― Putting the other person’s needs above your own

― Feeling like you cannot live without a person

― Relying your happiness on someone or something else

― People pleasing to an extreme level

― Having rigid expectations of what you think will make you happy

― Losing your sense of boundaries and what you will and will not tolerate

― Participating in things that go against your best interest

― Ignoring your intuition or advice of loved ones

― Feeling stuck, trapped, or unclear how to make a change

― Loss of your own sense of identity and desires

If any of these signs touched a nerve for you, fear not. Like I said before, the very first step to solving a problem is identifying it. If you’re wanting to dissolve the codependent behaviors, I’ve also created a short list of action items to get you on your way:

― Begin a daily meditation/mindfulness practice that works for you

― Establish a strong, centered relationship with yourself

― Learn how to take care of yourself first

― Get clear on what you want in your life

― Cultivate a sense of self-confidence and self-worth to believe you are worthy of your desires

― Get clear on your boundaries: what you will and will not tolerate

― Seek professional assistance when necessary

I hope these lists help you on your way to dissolving any codependent behaviors you may be facing. I want you to know that it is not shameful to feel this way, I’m pretty confident we have all felt these feelings at one point or another.

I also want you to remember that you are all worthy of wonderful, loving, supportive relationships. When we take the time to clean up our sides of the street, we create the space for an amazing relationship to enter our lives. I would love to hear your thoughts or experiences with codependency, please share with us in the comments below.

xoxo, Michelle

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