Lynn C. Tolson's Blog: Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor's Story by Lynn C. Tolson, blog, page 20

Tolson 4 TEARS Talks 2 Females With A Mission

[image error]

Author of Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor's Story, Lynn C. Tolson, was interviewed by Andrea Griggs for National Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Andrea hosts the blog talk radio show titled Females With A Mission , and she encourages all women to pursue their dreams and chase after what truly makes them happy. Educating, encouraging, and empowering women makes author/advocate Lynn C. Tolson happy, and Andrea provided her with the on-air platform. Andrea says, "Lynn shared her story of how she overcame a life of tragedy only to live and tell of her new life of victory."





"Andrea L. Griggs is an ordinary woman who likes to pursue and learn of extraordinary things. She is a wife and mother who took it upon herself to begin empowering women to pursue their dreams and chase after what truly makes them happy. She emphatically believes that all women are Females With A Mission, and she is determined to empower women everywhere to do so. Females With A Mission Radio is a show that profiles women who have pursued their dreams and are living their mission out loud every day. As a Female With A Mission, Andrea has served diligently as a Hope For Women Magazine Blogger, an Editor/Proofreader, an Educator, a Social Media Manager, an On-Air Radio Personality, a Writer, and presently serves as a Board Advisor for Stiletto Woman Magazine. Currently, she delegates her time and energy to all things God ordained, and is perfecting her craft as a Female With A Mission."

[image error]

Tolson 4 TEARS Talks 2 SCAN: Stop Child Abuse Now

[image error] SCAN: Stop Child Abuse Now, blog talk radio show, coordinations with the National Association of Adult Survivors of Child Abuse. The primary mission at NAASCA is to help abused people get into recovery. Secondly, we actively advocate for a better understanding of the many issues that surround the problem of child abuse in America. Bill Murray, founder, says, "Very few adults have escaped severe child abuse, trafficking, child pornography and kidnapping. But I have. More importantly, I've been in recovery from its devastating effects for over 25 years." Visit Facebook cause "Stop Child Abuse Now" (SCAN): 





I was a guest on SCAN, hosted by Bill Murray, Carl Hart, Jessica Stevens, and we talked about my memoir Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor's Story. I've accustomed to telling my story publicly, and even gave personal testimony to state legislatures, but this interview was particularly open and transparent. I did not answer questions in vague terms or politically correct phrases; I used the real words that represent the horrible experiences of rape and incest, and its devastating effects that may last a lifetime, like drug abuse and suicide attempts.  Listen as the host(s) and I talk about moving from pain and suffering to hope and healing.





Thanks to Bill Murray and the members of SCAN/ NAASCA for providing attention and advocacy to the millions of men and women who need a hand to hold on their journey.







Listen to internet radio with Bill Murray on Blog Talk Radio

Tolson 4 TEARS Talks 2 Dreamcatchers 4 Child Abuse

Hosts for "Dreamcatchers for Abused Children"  discussed with author of Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor's Story Lynn C. Tolson dealing with dysfunctional families during the holidays. "Dysfunctional" covers a broad range of behaviors. In families where the children were victims of abuse, the holidays may be overwhelming. Listen as we discuss this topic. (It may take a couple of minutes to hear voices!)





You can visit Dreamcatchers at this link and/or join the group on Facebook







"OUR MISSION: is to educate the public on all aspects of child abuse such as symptoms, intervention, prevention, statistics, reporting, and helping victims locate the proper resources necessary to achieve a full recovery. We also cover areas such as bullying, teen suicide & prevention, children's rights, child trafficking, missing & exploited children, online safety, and pedophiles/sex offenders."





"OUR GOAL: is to lower child abuse statistics by educating the public on every aspect of child abuse through successful campaigns that provide educational materials & literature concerning child abuse & neglect, treatment for recovery, coping skills, family and peer support, prevention, communication skills and empowerment to families, victims and survivors." 





[image error] You can find a collection of books, including this one, written by Sandra Dawn Potter, Donna M. Kshir, and Phillip Potter, at Lulu









Listen to internet radio with Dreamcatchers on Blog Talk Radio

[image error]

Tolson 4 TEARS Talks to Project Empowerment

In case you missed it, listen to the archived interview with host Kathleen M. Milliken, host of Project Empowerment , with author/advocate Lynn C. Tolson.





Project Empowerment is a Blog Talk Radio show focused on empowering lives. Although the main topics are on survivors of domestic violence, the underlying message is empowerment for all. The subjects are heavy, but the message is to turn something dark into light. Project Empowerment is all about making a personal connection with the audience.





Lynn and Kathleen discussed the similarities between the men they were married to, the ways male entitlement were used to control them, and how they managed to leave abusive relationships. Kathleen points out that she is often asked about abused women, "Why didn't she leave?" while Lynn challenges the abuser, "Why doesn't he stop?" Lynn also makes a connection between domestic violence, sexual abuse, and suicide.



You can listen to the discussion at this link : 

Listen to internet radio with KathleenMMilliken on Blog Talk Radio

Kathleen is the author of Escaping the Glass Cage: A Story of Survival and Empowerment from Domestic Violence. The following is my review of her revealing book.The author of Escaping the Glass Cage , Kathleen M. Schmidt, has survived domestic violence that was literally a life-and-death experience. She has not only survived, but has thrived as an author and advocate, wife and mother. It's hard to realize how close Ms. Schmidt came to either ending her life, or having it end by the hands of her (ex) husband.Escaping the Glass Cage is a short book with a big message. Domestic abuse is rampant in our society. It is estimated that one in three women will experience some form of abuse in her lifetime. People often ask, "Why doesn't she leave?" when the question could be, "Why didn't he stop?" Most likely than not, the abuse stops only if/when she leaves. Kathleen provides the reader with her account of how she planned her escape from the verbal and physical abuse she endured on a daily basis.Kathleen generously shares her story of hope, but it wasn't easy for her to achieve balance in her life. She made conscious choices to heal, using methods that enlightened and empowered her. She writes in a concise and chronological style, offering just enough information for the reader to absorb as she is able. (Women in crisis are often unable to concentrate.)Kathleen hosts a blog-talk radio show that brings awareness to the social problem of domestic violence (and other problems) with a focus on solving these problems one empowered woman at a time.

[image error]

Tolson 4 TEARS on Domestic Violence Awareness Month 5

We typically think of the results of domestic violence as a woman with bruises and black and blue eyes. This essay examines the aspects of insidious forms of domestic abuse. What is emotional abuse, and how does it pertain to domestic violence? Emotional or mental abuse occurs when one partner attempts to make the other feel bad about herself. Emotional/mental abuse often crosses lines with psychological abuse. These forms of abuse are destructive to self-esteem and self-confidence. Here is part of my story to illustrate emotional abuse, excerpt from Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor's Story: When I was nineteen, I was involved with a man eighteen years older than me. Todd and I had nothing in common, except that he reminded me of my deceased father. I did not have the wherewithal to tell him to get lost. I tried to escape him by moving to a different town, but he found me, and he moved into the same apartment complex. (This occurred in the 1970s. These days his behavior would qualify as stalking).I was friends with a married couple my age, Cathy and Scott. When I tried to release myself from Todd's grip to spend time with my friends, he demanded that I give him equal time. Todd became possessive because, he said, he loved me. He slammed my door and his door to demonstrate. The stucco landing of the apartments shook like an earthquake in California. There had to be a rational explanation for Todd's conduct."He's just jealous," Scott said."Yeah, he must love you a lot," Cathy said.I ached to be loved. So I mistook the outbursts for love.When Scott and Cathy invited me to have Thanksgiving dinner with them, they said that I could bring Todd if I wanted, but I wanted my friends to myself.The day before Thanksgiving, Todd degraded my friends. He called Cathy a "pain-in-the-ass broad" and said Scott just "wants a piece." Todd insisted that I eat at a holiday buffet alone with him. I was afraid of another door-slamming scene, so I declined Cathy's offer.



As Todd and I walked past their apartment to the car, Cathy cheerfully waved, "Happy Thanksgiving." Scott commented to me, "You look like a model in that dress. The green matches your eyes."Todd gritted his teeth: "I told you so! He just wants to get in your pants."Then Todd grabbed my elbow to steer me toward the inside of the sidewalk. "Never walk on the outside. That means you're for sale."Was he a pimp? Was I a prostitute? It seemed like I had sold out something, in some way, but I did not know exactly what it was.It was impossible to say "no" to Todd. When I tried to be assertive with him, he'd shoot my words back like an errant boomerang until what I thought I said did not sound like what he said I said.There were several interwoven yet invisible abusive occurrences. The abuse is about what he did and said and how it made me feel:He used intimidation tactics by making demands and slamming doors, which made me feel fearful. Not only is this immature, it is also an indicator of an abusive personality and of someone who does not have communication skills and/or coping abilities.He used emotional abuse by disrespecting my desire to be with friends, which made me feel embarrassed. If he has to have the final say, and it is a unilateral decision rather than a mutual agreement, then he is in control.He used isolation tactics by controlling where she went, which made me feel lonely. He deliberately sabotaged my social relationships. He also made me doubt my choice of friends by disparaging them.He used psychological abuse by maneuvering my body to the other side of the walkway, which made me feel diminished. He confused me by twisting my words around, playing mind-games with me. If you could see the face of an abuser who does this, he either has a smirk because he knows he's "one-up" as if he's winning a competition of words, or he has a look of pity because he thinks, "oh, poor dear, you just can't understand."There is no physical abuse in these scenes of domestic abuse, yet women are scarred for life from emotional/mental/psychological damage. Let this article about invisible forms of domestic abuse inform you of how women are emotionally wounded. If you discover a friend in this position, let her know you care, tell her it's not her fault, listen without judgment, and encourage her to get help. If you recognize yourself, don't stop believing that you deserve to be treated with respect.

Tolson 4 TEARS Talks on The Whole Issue

On Monday, October 17, 2011, at 7:30 ET, author Lynn C. Tolson will be talking with advocate Laurie Ann Smith . Laurie is the author of "A Life of Death: The Redemption" which is her harrowing story of child abuse, subsequent healing, and spiritual transformation. Laurie and Lynn will talk on air at Blog Talk Radio survivor-to-survivor so that other victims of child abuse may be inspired to hope and healing.



Given that October has been proclaimed Domestic Violence Awareness Month, Laurie and Lynn will discuss the effects that witnessing abuse has on children, and the patterns that they develop later in life. These conversations often provide insights to the audience for their own behavior in relationships. Laurie and Lynn will combine their knowledge and experience to share with the audience tips and tools to address the needs of victims of domestic violence... so that they can survive and thrive.



[image error]

[image error]

Tolson 4 TEARS Talks 2 Crime Wire Radio

On October 16, 2011, at 8PM EST Lynn C. Tolson will talk on Crime Wire Radio, hosted by activist Susan Murphy Milano. You can call in during the show (646) 478-0982

Susan is an expert in domestic violence and is the author of Time's Up: How To Escape Abusive and Stalking Relationships Guide AND Moving Out, Moving On. The  show will include discussions about the tools that are now available for victims of abuse to safely leave their violent relationships. Visit her blog here.

October is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month but we must be aware of domestic abuse 365 days a year. "Stories of the realities suffered by victims of violence are written for several reasons: to assist those victims in their healing process, and to reach other victims who may be caught in similar situations."

Joining Lynn and Susan is Tricia McKnight, author of My Justice, which is  "the story of her childhood destroyed by sexual abuse by her stepfather and severe neglect by her mother. The behaviors learned and accepted as a child led McKnight to make bad choices in adulthood and the violence against her continued for many more years within her marriage. Perpetuating the violence in her own home forced her to see what her own children were witnessing.  It's McKnight's hope that others will come forward, without shame and embarrassment, to unite in a way that only survivors can."





I (Lynn) wrote about the devastating effects on children who witness their parents and/or other adults in the dynamics of domestic abuse in this blog post.  The bottom line is that time may not heal all wounds, and children often repeat what they see in patterns of behavior later in life.



You can listen to the similarities of survivor stories, and perhaps find inspiration for your own journey. 





(Some text in this blog post was provided by Imagine Publicity.



[image error]

Tolson 4 TEARS Domestic Violence Awareness Month 4

Domestic Abuse and Isolation in Relationships



Those that know the story from my memoir Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor's Story, have read that I was vulnerable, easily manipulated, trained to be without opinion, and living in the shadow of my father's violence and subsequent suicide. When I was 18, I met a man 18 years older than me who had threatened to kill himself if I refused to marry him.Not long after the marriage ceremony to my new husband, Todd, he wanted to buy land in Chandler, Arizona. He said we could get rich quick on the land while living cheap in a trailer. I was only twenty-one, and I objected to moving out of Tempe, away from my Arizona State University campus friends. Todd threw fits, until it seemed easier to comply with his wishes than to confront his temper. So we moved deep into the desert, past the dairy farm and the rodeo arena, where the alfalfa fields were newly zoned for mobile homes.It was too far to commute to classes, so I withdrew. My best friends from campus, Scott and Cathy, telephoned to say they wanted to visit. I made excuses: "It's not a good day. Todd worked later than usual last night. He's still sleeping." "It's not a good time. I have to go to the doctor." "It's not a good year. I am very, very busy." I was not avoiding seeing them; I was avoiding them seeing me.A year went by. I did not return to college. I had not seen my friends. One afternoon Cathy called and insisted on visiting. Despite my excuses, they were not about to let a desert monsoon keep them away. Scott and Cathy pulled up while a dust storm was developing. As I stood outside, hollering "hello" above the noise of the rattling aluminum awning, a gust of wind literally blew me down."Lynn, you're as thin as a reed!" The wind flipped my shorts like a sail, revealing the bruises on my thigh.



Scott asked, "Are you all right?"



"I'm all right," I lied.



We made small talk while watching dust devils that looked like tiny tornadoes flitting across the terra firma. Cathy and Scott were saying goodbye. "We're moving to Utah. We'll write." As Cathy moved toward me, I stepped back, resisting her outstretched arms because my body experienced pain with an embrace. Todd had swatted me often enough that my body no longer recognized the difference between a hard hit and a warm hug. I had lost contact with my friends; I could not confide in them. There was nothing left to say.



"Lynn, you take care of yourself, okay?"



"Yeah, sure." I was sure that another friendship bit the dust.I'd already been isolated from support systems when I married him, and that made it easier for him to marry me. The point of this article is isolation by the abuser in a relationship or as the relationship is developing so he can assert and sustain control. You might consider this theme as you are dating again in mid-life, or when your children are dating.The isolation may seem benign at first: He may make snide remarks about her family, but say he was only joking. In second, third marriages, when a potential abuser wants to possess her, he may deride her children from a previous marriage. The isolation escalates when he suggests or insists that she work from home, or not at all. She loses contact with her co-workers. He may initiate arguments with her choice of religion; no faith pleases him, and he refuses to let her worship at church without him. She becomes completely dependent on him for a world view. His perspective infiltrates her perspective until her opinion of herself is diminished to reflect only his opinion; his reality becomes her reality. He lets her know she is useless, helpless, worthless, and nothing without him. She loses her self to him, her insight, intuition, and instinct. He owns her. Soon, the victim is asking, "Who am I? How did this happen?"If you are dating again, or if you have a daughter, niece or friend on the dating scene, these are just a few of the signs of isolation to be wary of:She rarely goes out without her partner
He unilaterally controls every aspect of a date
She is restricted from seeing family and friends
He controls who they see, when, where, and for how long
Showing support for someone you suspect might be manipulated into isolation by an abuser may even save a life. Use your knowledge as power, and you don't want anyone to take your power from you! No amount of false romance is worth losing your authentic self. Maintain your support systems in church, with friends, groups, and activities. They may save your life!





[image error]

Tolson 4 TEARS on Domestic Violence Awareness Month 3

[image error] For Domestic Violence Awareness Month, Anne Holmes, of the National Association of Baby Boomer Women , hosted a tele seminar with author/advocate Lynn C. Tolson titled Why Does She Stay; Why Doesn't He Stop (click the title to play) Originally aired in October 2010, the tele seminar is relevant at any time. 







The National Association of Baby Boomer Women is an online association is the place to encourage, connect and support one another. It also offers an online community forum called Boomer Women Speak (click to visit link). Given that 1 in 4 women will be a victim of domestic abuse in her lifetime, this tele seminar offers information that may stir women to proceed to a successful "second act."  Listen as Lynn C. Tolson offers information about the concept of power and control in a relationship, and how to recognize the dynamics that hold a woman from her highest potential. The tele seminar relies on the Power and Control Wheel for educational purposes. 

[image error]







A review of the power and control wheel offers multiple reasons why she does not leave. This puts more pressure on the victims when the burden must be on the perpetrator of violence, and the question should be, "why doesn't he stop?"

Tolson 4 TEARS on Domestic Violence Awareness Month 2

October is National Domestic Violence Awareness month, yet domestic violence occurs globally 24/7 365 days a year. What is considered violence? What do parents teach their children? John Bradshaw, author of "Homecoming" and "Creating Love " says: "I consider anything that violates a person's sense of self to be violence. Such action may not be directly physical or sexual, although it quite often is. Violence occurs when a more powerful and knowledgeable person destroys the freedom of a less powerful person for whom he or she is significant." Bradshaw also writes that "Anyone who witnesses violence is a victim of violence." Do you think children under 5 are not traumatized by seeing violence? Can a 4 year old girl really erase this scene as if it never happened? Here is an excerpt from "Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor's Story."  ***My father opened a kitchen drawer and pulled out a knife. That's the knife my mother used to cut bones from chicken. He was holding the knife over his head with the sharp blade aimed at my mother. She looked so small compared to his large body, and his rage was larger than life. My father noticed me long enough to stop killing my mother.*** Be aware that when you fight in front of your children, you are degrading their sense of self, developing their perspective of an unsafe world, and diminishing their respect for you. It takes decades of affirmations, meditations, medications, and celebrations to dry the tears of children whose parents fought while swearing to one another "one day you'll be the death of me." Whose fault is it when one of the parents commits suicide the night after a fight? Who takes on the responsiblity as surely as if it was a homicide? Children typically take on the blame for what is broken, for what they cannot fix. It takes forever and a day to undo the damage done to a child who witnesses the violence of parents who verbally, physically, mentally, and emotionally abuse each other. Be careful of what you allow children to witness, because all the time in the world does not heal all wounds.