Lynn C. Tolson's Blog: Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor's Story by Lynn C. Tolson, blog, page 23

Tolson 4 TEARS on Poems, Pets, PTSD

Since the first tickle of a dog licking my face and the first feeling of fur on my skin, I have loved dogs. My father brought pets home on a whim or a bet. During my childhood, he had a Beagle, a Boxer, and a Poodle named "Irma La Deuce." There were other dogs too short-term to remember, like a revolving door of dogs that dared to displease my father. *When their behavior mimicked the chaos in the family, he disposed of them. I was reluctant to get attached to a dog one day, only to have it vanish the next. My father was fond of a German Shepherd he named "Adolf." He tried to train the dog (without proper coaching from a dog handler). He wanted a dog that would  "Protect my family."  He wrestled with Adolf. The brown-and-black fur on the dog's neck stood up and his paws gripped the floor with spread claws. Adolf sunk his fangs into the padded sleeve my father had wrapped around his arm. Adolf growled in aggression. My step-mother objected to the training and insisted on obedience school. I wasn't sure if she meant for the man or the dog. *(excerpt from Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor's Story )





I'm no longer reluctant to bond with pets. I cherish my dogs Annie and Gracie (who was born on September 11, 2001... by the grace of God puppies were being born on that awful day). These precious pets have literally saved my life, loyally licking my tears when I'm sad; they bring me joy. 





You can read an article about pets and PTSD at the Heal My PTSD blog, and follow a link to an audio on the subject.





Here is a poem written by Daisy, which tells about her cat, and how it helps her heal, and explains I feel about my dogs.







You stand near my pillow, gazing with wide yellow eyes My form inert and dreaming.  You wish to communeAnd I wish to remain inside the dream of mind.Lost to symbolism; asleep to reality.

Your sensitive white antennae, like leaves upon my skin,Tickle, as your soft breath falls upon me,Slow to wake, your nose prods my cheekAnd I groan as you pull me from the hands of Morpheus

From the caverns of sleep, I sift up to connect with youAnd start my day.  The waves of sleep wash over meYet you pull me out, my little life raft.You rest near and I run my fingers through your soft fur

Your song purrs in my ear, and I am delighted by the soundAs I feel affection expressed between you and me,My little savior, my entertaining friendWithout you, I would drift forever in sleep.

Tolson 4 TEARS Guest Blogs 4 Emerging From Broken

A special thank-you goes to Darlene Quimet, who publishes the blog "Emerging From Broken."  Darlene generously shares provocative posts about the psychological and physical aspects of the path of healing from an abusive childhood. She invited me to write a guest post, and I chose the topic "feelings." Here is the beginning of the post, and you can read it in full by clicking here. Darlene's blog is interactive, with a variety of comments from others on a healing journey. Thus far, "Feelings" has 65 comments. You'll see that "Cr*ppy is NOT a feeling."





In therapy, clients talk about their feelings. Therapists ask, "How are you feeling today?" Conversations with my therapist(s) frequently sounded like this:"Lynn, what are you feeling?""I don't know.""You must be feeling something.""No, nothing.""Please, tell me what it feels like.""I don't know."I shrugged my shoulders, which was not an acceptable answer to the question of "how are you feeling." How should I know? I had no clue, no compass, and no map to lead me through the hot and sweaty tropical jungle of twisted emotional thorny vines that lay strangled with family secrets and lies.

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Tolson 4 TEARS Reviews "After Silence"

Review of After Silence: Rape & My Journey Back by Nancy Venable Raine is a memoir that is well-written and emotionally charged. In the introduction, the author says that the police told her that she "was lucky not to have been murdered." That is how horrible it is to be raped: it is a crime so heinous as to be associated with murder. However, the author did not feel lucky. She felt alone, especially since rape is shrouded in silence, shame, and stigma.

It's the victim that carries those negative feelings, and Raine explains the emotional capacity of a rape victim in heart wrenching detail. Fear is the most obvious, superseding other feelings no matter the occasion. Fear and the fear of fear rises, taking up a permanent place in the psyche that did not exist before the rape. Raine develops a "before" identity and an "after" identity, and can never get back to the woman who had not been raped.Raine digs deep into her psyche and the culture to explore both the individual and the society in the context of sexual violence. Throughout this thought-provoking book, Raine weaves commentary by using a variety of references, such as fiction and its treatment of rape scenes as well as literature from psychology. She writes about PTSD, quoting Judith Herman's Trauma and Recovery extensively. Raine explains, "For traumatic experience, 'forgetting' is impossible, yet 'remembering' s the last thing you want to do." Her exploration into her self is painful, yet anyone who reads this will benefit from her insight and intelligence.

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Beyond the Tears Receives Review Titled "Excellent"

Beyond the Tears book discussion with author Lynn C. Tolson
A recent reader review on Amazon.com for Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor's Story is titled "Excellent." The reader says, "I think this book was excellent. If you ever experienced anything like this, you could relate. I believe this book could help people understand they are not alone. Very hard to put this book down until finished."

Tolson 4 TEARS Reviews "Telling: A Memoir of Rape..."

I first read Telling: A Memoir of Rape and Recovery  by Patricia Weaver Francisco in 2001, when I thought, "How could anyone write about that?" A decade later, with a memoir of my own, I read Telling again to see what I missed. How courageous and generous the author was in sharing her story!  It is difficult to revisit the horrible crime of rape and its devastating ramifications. However, as Francisco says, the crime frequently revisits the victim: "...triggered and triggered in exhausting rounds of shutting out thoughts only to have them arise again."Not only does Francisco write about her experience of rape, she also explains society's myths, the consequences of these myths, and the changes that must be made. Ours is a culture that blames the victim, protects the perpetrator, and lacks in justice. But what makes this book compelling is the excellent writing that moves the reader through this personal story with a powerful reach toward hope. Francisco loses so much to this crime, physically, emotionally, and spiritually, yet gains in different measures in future time. She candidly shows the reader the losses and gains, and writes with eloquence.While she attempts to embark on a journey of recovery, Francisco explores sexism and feminism. She writes about anger, action, love, loss, and labor. There are no cliches. She says that her "return to health was because of rather than in spite of other human beings." If you or someone you know has experienced rape, this is a "must read" for understanding, compassion, and strength.

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Tolson 4 TEARS Reviews "Picking Cotton"

Review of Picking Cotton: Our Memoir of Injustice and Redemption by Jennifer Thompson-Cannino and Ronald Cotton with Erin TorneoPicking Cotton is co-authored by a victim of rape and the man who was falsely accused of the crime, with the assistance of writer Erin Torneo. The format alternates from Jennifer's to Ronald's perspectives and the story reads like a documentary.Picking Cotton opens with a "happily ever after" prologue that took decades to reach. The interim was an excruciating journey of mistakes and misery. Within the story, there are racial issues to explore, as well as pros and cons in the criminal justice system.The story starts with Jennifer's point of view. After briefly establishing her routines and relationships for the readers, we see how her college life is immeasurably altered when she is raped. Jennifer endures the examination at the hospital; she has to repeatedly tell the details to detectives; she faces the disengaged attitudes of her family and boyfriend. In these relationships, the reader sees a victim-blaming society in action: Jennifer's mother wonders if what she wore had something to do with being attacked; Jennifer's boyfriend asks her if she enjoyed it. Jennifer courageously moves through the legal system, and eventually moves on.On the local news, Ronald sees that the police are searching for him as a suspect. Only twenty-two years old, his simple life becomes immeasurably complicated when he is arrested. He is treated as though he were already found guilty. Ronald is equally courageous as he moves through a legal system that is out to get him, no matter what. Ronald spends more than a decade in prison, acclimating to the dismal culture of those incarcerated for life. He is guilty until DNA proves him innocent. He has to start over.This book needed to be written so that readers witness the capacity of human will, the fate from human error, and the resiliency of spirit from both sides of the story.

Review completed by Lynn C. Tolson, author of Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor's Story





[image error] See "Picking Cotton" here!

Tolson 4 TEARS Cheers "Surviving Spirit" Michael Skinner

Michael Skinner is a folk/rock musician with a message. He delves into his emotional resources to serve as an advocate for victims of child abuse and the mentally ill. Then he fills his songs with heartfelt lyrics and melodies that serve as a voice for others. Mike started his advocacy work after receiving a diagnosis of PTSD, which was no doubt a result of the horrific child abuse he suffered. The debilitating depression derailed him, causing him to lose not only his job at the time, but also friends who did not understand the nature of his condition. Instead of hiding in silence, Mike started speaking out to increase awareness of mental illness and child abuse. Here is a video of Mike performing "Brush Away Your Tears." Visit Mike at MSkinnermusic.com. Hopefully you will catch him performing and/or speaking at an event near you! Way to go Mike. You are a hero! See him on YouTube!

[image error] Michael Skinner shares the healing art of others at the Surviving Spirit web store (see link). Mike says, "One of our primary purposes is to help promote, market and sell the creative works of those affected by trauma, abuse and mental health concerns at fair market prices. It is hard enough to make a living as a professional artist, musician, author, etc, but when someone has to deal with the above mentioned health issues, that creates even more problems to contend with in trying to pursue your muse. Our web store contains both resources for our visitors and features work by those who have been affected by trauma, abuse and mental health concerns.

Your purchase of the creative work that the Surviving Spirit represents is a good deed on many levels. It allows the Surviving Spirit to continue its mission of providing a healing outlet for those whose lives have been impacted by sexual abuse, trauma or mental health issues. It represents belief in the healing power of art while encouraging the self-esteem of the artist. You purchase is an affirmation that a helping hand is preferable to a handout and that an act of creating rather than destroying is the true chain than connects us.

Please browse the categories at the top of this page to see the breadth of resources and items we have available."

Tolson 4 TEARS Reviews "Lucky"

Lucky by Alice Sebold was published in 1999 and has hundreds of editorial and reader reviews. It is a seminal memoir on the subject of rape, giving permission to other victims to break their silence. The book is so important, it merits opinion eleven years later.The book begins with the terrifying experience of the author being raped. It's graphic, it's real, and it hurts to read. Alice was able to tell the events in a clear voice that could have gotten lost in the chaos of the long ordeal. A memoir about rape is a writing nightmare, yet Sebold creates enough connection between author and reader to generate compassion for the victim and rage at the perpetrator. Then, he apologized!Alice had few friends to run to, and relied on acquaintances and strangers to help her in the aftermath, which is ugly, painful, and infinite. Within the story, the reader will find exactly how a rape victims feels: "damaged goods, ruined." Or from a different planet.Sebold examines her family dynamics as she tries to recover. It appears that each member of her family lives on a different planet, revolving around each other but never really making contact. Her mother has anxiety; her father is isolated; her sister is perfect. This sets Alice up for taking the journey alone while trying to maintain her sanity, a grade point average, and the court proceedings.The transcripts of the court proceedings are long and arduous. One can only imagine what it must have been like for Alice to be the witness in her rape trial, being put on the spot, with soiled underwear sworn into evidence. You'll find clever comments by Sebold that help the reader grasp intonations of sarcasm and scorn from the perpetrator's attorneys. Sebold was strong enough to survive when others would have folded.Alice admitted to a common result of sexual violence, which is using drugs to escape. She discovered that she has post-traumatic stress disorder. She does not sugar-coat the violence that is rape, the intimidation that is the criminal justice system, or the ironies of life that is stranger than any fiction.

Beyond the Tears available on iBooks

Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor's Story is now available to read on your iPhone, iPad, or iPodTouch. Follow link to purchase via iTunes!



Today's Reader Review says:





"I think this book was excellent, if you ever experienced anything like this, you could relate, I believe this book could help people understand they are not alone, very hard to put this book down until finished."

Tolson 4 TEARS on Feelings

The title of this blog could also be: "Shi**y is NOT a feeling."

This is a partial review of what I learned in therapy regarding feelings, as narrated in Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor's Story.  

In therapy, clients talk about their feelings . Therapists ask, "How are you feeling today?" "Crappy" was not an acceptable answer to my therapist. What I felt was numb, which is a suppression of real feelings. But talking about my experiences and emotions did not feel good. My therapist taught me that putting words to experiences and the emotions they carry may dispel the hold they had on me.  

My therapist said, "As your fears recede, courage will emerge. Love was locked inside, shielded by fear. When the darkness of fear disappears, the light of love appears. You built walls around yourself to block out bad feelings, so you also blocked out any good that could come your way. You perpetuate pain by locking up feelings. When you excavate and explore emotions, you allow the fear to fade."I understood that in my head, but I needed to feel it in my heart.Transformation from fear to love requires more than rationalization and intellectualization. Healing transpires from fully feeling emotions, and then taking necessary action.But I was afraid to unlock my heart and uncover emotions. If I felt a bona fide feeling, I would surely go insane.

My therapist explained that the depression used to cover up emotions can become a permanent part of the personality. Actually, emotions are transitory, universal, and can co-exist. I learned to determine the cause of an emotion, identify the feeling, and acknowledge its presence. Honor an emotion in the moment; just be with it, and that is more like going sane. 

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