Lynn C. Tolson's Blog: Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor's Story by Lynn C. Tolson, blog, page 21

Tolson 4 TEARS on Domestic Violence Awareness Month

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month.



What is Domestic Violence? This is a GENERAL DEFINITION OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE and does not indicate the entire and complete service of of legal definitions; if further notes are needed, consult an attorney. This is to offer information as needed while hearing about domestic violence especially during October, Domestic Violence Awareness Month

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE OCCURS WHEN ONE PERSON USES INAPPROPRIATE POWER and CONTROL OVER AN INTIMATE PARTNER.
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IS A PATTERN OF ABUSIVE BEHAVIORS.
THESE ABUSIVE BEHAVIORS MAY INCLUDEVERBALSEXUALPHYSICALECONOMICEMOTIONALLEGAL DEFINITION OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE 18-6-800.3DOMESTIC VIOLENCE MEANS AN ACT OR THREATENED ACT OF VIOLENCE UPON A PERSON WITH WHOM THE ACTOR IS OR HAS BEEN INVOLVED IN AN INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP. DOMESTIC VIOLENCE ALSO INCLUDES ANY OTHER CRIME AGAINST A PERSON OR AGAINST PROPERTY OR ANY MUNICIPAL ORDINANCE VIOLATION AGAINST A PERSON OR AGAINST PROPERTY, WHEN USED AS A METHOD OF COERCION, CONTROL, PUNISHMENT, INTIMIDATION OR REVENGE DIRECTED AGAINST A PERSON WITH WHOM THE ACTOR IS OR HAS BEEN INVOLVED IN AN INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP.INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP MEANS A RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN SPOUSES, FORMER SPOUSES, PAST OR PRESENT UNMARRIED COUPLES, OR PERSONS WHO ARE BOTH THE PARENTS OF THE SAME CHILD REGARDLESS OF WHETHER THE PERSONS HAVE BEEN MARRIED OR HAVE LIVED TOGETHER AT ANY TIME.Prepared by Lynn C. Tolson, author of Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor's Story, for informational purposes only.





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Tolson 4 TEARS Cheers "This Tangled Web"

Kate Swift, who is an amazing artist, author, and advocate, shared this poem for Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor's Story . Imagine how someone feels when a friend contemplates suicide! Thanks Kate. 





NOT WILLING, NOT READYTO SAY GOODBYEWAY TOO EARLYTO MOURN A LIFETAKEN SO PREMATURELYNOT WILLING, NOT READYTO STAND AT YOUR GRAVESIDETHAT VOICE IN YOUR HEADTOLD YOU A REAL BAD LIENOT WILLING, NOT READYTO SEE YOUR FAMILY IN PIECESSUICIDE IMPRISONS MORE SOULSTHAN IT RELEASESNOT WILLING, NOT READYTO SAY GOODBYEBECAUSE THIS IS NOTYOUR TIME TO DIENOT WILLING, NOT READYTHIS IS NOTGOODBYE.





Kate Swift compiled stories and essays by, for, and about survivors of sexual assault in the book Silent No More: A Collection of Works by Reaching Survivors of Sexual Abuse.  "This book is about a group of survivors and those who support them coming together to be a voice for the voiceless...to shed more light on what it takes to survive."

R.S.O.S.A. is an online community that serves "as an outlet for survivors to share their restoration experiences and to gain from peer to peer support."







You can visit This Tangled Web  where Kate Swift shares her journey through the pain and chaos of healing from childhood sexual abuse. She shares poetry and art therapy to reach out to other survivors of sexual abuse 







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Tolson 4 TEARS on Change

Change is a concept that refers to making or becoming different than what came before. Change is an activity that requires deliberate steps toward transformation. We have to be conscious about changes that lead to a different way of being.I'd been allowing bits and pieces of myself to be swept away. I wanted to trek through the wasteland that was my life toward more fertile ground. I wanted to take charge of my life, to be accountable to myself and responsible toward others. I wanted to change everything, as if change is an all or nothing event.Once I thought that the only way to change my life was to cease living it. Fortunately, I had conversations with my counselor about change. These discussions started with the observation of myself as a victim. I learned that I perceived myself as a victim and I was led into circumstances that continued the victim role. Why was that? In my case, especially as it pertained to my relationships with men, I'd been around abusive men my whole life. The inner resources to defend my self were eroded by the myth that men are a force to fear. I learned that men and women are equal in the emotional and spiritual levels. I also had to learn that I deserved relationships that made me feel good, that were based on healthy common interests, and that true partners bring out the best in us. Change meant transforming from a vulnerable target to an empowered woman.This knowledge helped me to disengage from abusive relationships. But this change does not occur in a linear fashion. The activity that accompanies change happens in fits and starts, by trial and error, with failure and success. What remains constant is the determination to make a change, as well as the discipline to develop the strength and skills required to be different than before.My counselor suggested that I change my way of living by changing my way of thinking. "You can replace negative self-talk with optimistic thoughts. It is possible to change a negative perspective on life into a positive life force if you keep a sense of proportion." Survivors of trauma are often drawn into drama by reacting without thinking. I learned that not every minor inconvenience leads to a major catastrophe. Rather, the whole of life is more about how I shaped it, day by day, by making good decisions and better choices.My counselor encouraged change but I was paralyzed with ambivalence. My desire to change was in conflict with the fear of change, and I resisted change even as I risked change. If only change could occur overnight, by osmosis, or at least if I could leave well enough alone. I pleaded with the universe to cooperate:Now travel, Time, no more delays, Propel me now to future days.To days of good, new days unfold. Now faster, Time, before I am old.I asked my counselor, "Why do I continually make mistakes?" Her answer was, "Your experiences were not mere mistakes, but life lessons. Human experiences pertain not just to suffering but also to personal development and soul growth." That helped me to ease up on myself for perceived mistakes.For example, I couldn't count on myself. I could not make up my mind or I would change my mind, or anyone could change it for me. I changed plans, habitually procrastinated, and invented excuses: a headache, a stomachache, it was too early or it was too far, or the weather was too terrible for whatever it was that I was avoiding. It was all too much because I'd been through too much.My counselor taught me the concrete steps to making a change:Be aware of the behavior needing change
Examine the reasons for developing the behavior in the first place
Have compassion for the choices made under the circumstances
Find new and healthy ways to meet the needs
Get support! Ask for help!
Set goals in small timeframes: one day, one week, one month
Break down the larger goals into smaller ones
Give yourself rewards along the way.
Try not to minimize triumphs but appreciate the steps toward self-improvement."What if I fail?" I asked my counselor. I realized that I failed to try anything that I could not do perfectly and all I could do perfectly was clean house. I thought about trying other things but never got around to it. I made a mental note: "To think and think and think about a thing and never to accomplish it at all."She responded by saying, "Use failures as a learning experience and try again. It's a waste of time to wait to do everything perfectly. In order to grow, it's necessary to attempt new skills. Let go of the limiting controls of perfectionism! To make mistakes is to be human and everyone makes mistakes."I began to change by using discipline to keep commitments, finish projects, and manage emotions. While I was incorporating healthy changes into my life, I was in transition, no longer the person I was and not the person I was yet to be. I had to call upon my courage reserves to navigate the hurdles and overcome an obstacle course of adverse circumstances. It would take courage to clear the past to find clarity for the future. Meanwhile, I kept the commitment to changing my life from constant chaos to inner peace.You can't change everything at once, and some changes are noticeable only in retrospect. I can look back and know, feel, and believe how much I have changed since embarking on a healing journey. Have confidence in your ability to change! Confidence is based on previous accomplishments; build confidence by acknowledging the cumulative ways you have changed.The power to change is already within you, ready to be discovered. Find new methods to deal with old routines. It is up to you to make the conscious choices that bring a better future.

Tolson 4 TEARS Reader Review

The Project 4 TEARS: Telling Everyone About Rape & Suicide:





As an author and advocate my mission is to 





• comfort victims by sharing my story

• confront violence by breaking the silence• challenge society via information and action





I appreciate the feedback from readers that let me know the work is not without reason and purpose.

"I have just finished reading your book and I wanted to say thank you so very much for sharing something so personal. After reading your story it almost feels as if there is a light at the end of a very dark tunnel. Knowing that I am not the only one who has those feelings, and that someone else has gone through something similar and come out the other side still here, you have given me inspiration to stick around a little bit longer."



If you need assistance, contact RAINN 1-800-656-HOPE





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Beyond the Tears 5 Star Review on Bella Online

[image error] Human Rights Guest Author, Sarah Elise Stauffer, reviewed Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor's Story for the site Bella Online: The Voice of Women



In Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor's Story, a memoir by Lynn C. Tolson , we are taken on a poignant and powerful journey.



"You will remember nothing": this phrase haunted her for years. Her schizophrenic father whispered it to her each time he molested her beginning at age three. When she was 13, her brother began violating her sexually as well. He used the same phrase when he molested her that her father had used.



With the help of a special therapist, she breaks the silence of her experience, in flashbacks, and displays enormous courage in the face of incredible darkness. The incest and mental anguish she endured oppressed her voice and her innate birthrights for safety, health, and innocence. It sought to destroy any sense of entitlement to a future of promise and hope in her own body. But she fought back.



Ignited by therapy and writing down the horror of what her father and brother inflicted on her, metamorphosis began. This verbalization of the truth was profoundly emancipating. Lynn not only enabled herself to reclaim her power and worth, but also wrote a book that will enable others to do the same. Her book has a certain realism that pierces straight through to the heart and soul of the matter. 



Lynn has triumphed over incest, the patriarchal attitudes that permeated her familial legacy, an unhappy marriage to an abusive man, depression, anxiety, mental illness, suicide attempts, and drug addiction. She reclaimed her light. She won her victory. 



I highly recommend this book to anyone who wishes to battle the taboo of incest and do his or her part in facing down the darkness. Through this painful birth, she is able to midwife redemption, healing, and empowerment for herself. By sharing this book with us, she creates the requisite awareness that germinates bountiful healing. This Woman has turned it around, even surviving breast cancer



Lynn uses different channels for her healing, including painting. She especially loves watercolors. Lynn spends her days doing presentations to break the silence that surrounds abuse and incest. 



"Bringing awareness of abuse to the community and bringing a message of hope to victims is my work."~Lynn C. Tolson 

Tolson 4 TEARS Interview by MOCASA

This is an archived interview with author Lynn C. Tolson completed for the Metropolitan Organization to Counter Sexual Assault newsletter. MOCSA "exists to lessen the ill effects of sexual assault and abuse through prevention, education, intervention, treatment and advocacy."



In the interview, I say "I hope to move to the Rocky Mountain region." I forgot I even said that! Here I am, writing this blog post from Colorado Springs, CO!



Tell us about yourself: 
After living my first eighteen years in the Northeast, I moved to the Southwest for another eighteen years. Then, I moved to the Midwest and left the business environment to write my story and establish myself as an artist. I also returned to college to obtain a degree in social work. I hope to move to the Rocky Mountain region. My hobbies include watercolor painting.



Tell us about the book: 
Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor's Story begins with my suicide attempt at the age of twenty-five. In the aftermath, I committed to counseling to recover from anxiety and depression associated with post-traumatic stress disorder. During therapy, I revealed secrets regarding sexual abuse, mental illness, and domestic vilence in my family. The reader of my story is engaged in the counseling by being privy to the problems and solutions discussed during the sessions. Due to the therapeutic process, I discovered a path to love and the value of life, and I ultimately achieved a life that reflects health and happiness. Thus, the reader also experiences an inspirational journey and a message of hope.



Why did you decide to write a book? Was it difficult writing about such a personal story? 
The book began by putting pen to paper in journal writing sessions. Themes emerged regarding the ramifications of sexual abuse, like drug addiction and suicide attempts. Eventually, a story of transformation to wholeness evolved. Journal writing was a cathartic experience. However, writing the book was difficult because I had to find the courage to face my fears: What would others think? What would my family think? But my conviction to tell the truth became greater than the difficulty of writing a personal story. I realized that I was writing about personal yet universal issues. My desire to share a message of healing from trauma became too strong to ignore; the book became my mission despite the difficulty.



Did you have any experience writing beforehand? How difficult was it? 
My previous experience as a writer was limited to company correspondence and private poetry. However, I always knew I wanted to write a book. Teachers and supervisors frequently said that I "had a way with words" and told me to "write about what you know about." What I knew about were my personal experiences, and I thought, "I can't write about that!" What was difficult was changing my thought process from "I can't write about that" to "I have to write about that!" I suppose I could have fictionalized the story, but I think that may have lessened the impact. Besides, I don't have the imagination for fiction. The old adage may be right: "Truth is stranger than fiction." Writing is a long and lonely process; I was often preoccupied with thoughts and phrases for my book. What also made it difficult was that I returned to college while writing. I wanted a broader view of family and society, and the education in social work actually helped me to shape my book. Just as I was about to graduate and publish, I learned I had breast cancer. Now that was difficult!



Your book has received some good reviews. Are you surprised? 
I appreciate the reviews and how readers have connected with the content. I am pleased that readers have enjoyed the writing despite some candid scenes of abuse and addiction. I am glad that the story telling is considered "powerful" because I want the book to have an impact.

What are your hopes for the book? 
I hope that my book promotes understanding of the issues that cause individual suffering and plaque our society. Sexual assault, addiction, and suicide are unsolved social problems that carry stigmas. The stigmas cast a code of silence that do not solve problems. The result from not speaking about the crime of sexual assault is too often tragic (loss of human potential, indeed, even loss of life). Thus, there is a need for real stories of recovery. By bringing my dark secrets to light, it is my hope that others who have had similar events will know that they are not alone. Readers may explore their own emotions to open lines of communication, eliminate shame, and experience healing.



Do you think you'll write another book? If so, what will it be about? 
Yes, I am writing a book about my breast cancer experience.

Tolson 4 TEARS on "Women Empowerment" 4 Spirituality

Lori Finnila, host of "Women Empowerment" discussed spirituality and healing from trauma. Lynn and Lori talked about the difference between spirituality and religion, and how spiritual transformation is one of the aspects of healing. Lynn says, "I was learning that an answer to prayer is not always in the form of a physical manifestation or a problem solved. Answered prayer can come in the form of an insight, or an understanding between people, or a timely coincidence, or a moment of peace, or an experience with nature." The intro music is by Train, Calling All Angels.





Lori Finnila is the author of My Brain Injury as well as other articles, essays, and an ezine.









Listen to internet radio with Women Empowerment on Blog Talk Radio

Beyond the Tears Reviewed by "Catharsis Foundation"

Catharsis Foundation is a non-profit incorporated in Calgary Alberta in 2004 for survivors of ALL forms of child abuse — globally. Child abuse and the Internet do not recognize borders — neither does Catharsis Foundation!  SCARRED Surviving Child Abuse, Recover & Reclaim, Expose & Disclose



Catharsis Foundation:encourages survivors of all forms of child abuse TO TELL!
supports survivor's cathartic autobiographical books
is committed to raising awareness
Surviving Suicide Attempts Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor's Story is a testament to surviving suicide attempts and finally coming to appreciate that life is not a cruel death sentence but to be lived happily — and can be — if you finally make the decision to live a happy life. The choice is — and always will be — yours. Lynn C. Tolson speaks from experience; she could continue a life of self-abuse, drugs, making decisions that ensured her unhappiness or to get help and make the decision to take care of herself. Most survivors of child abuse look for someone to take care of them but few ever find that "knight in shining armor" or "Florence Nightingale." Read Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor's Story especially if you are suicidal or hurting yourself and maybe you will come to understand your own role in your unhappiness and decide to change things for the better. Beyond The Tears: A True Survivor's Story by Lynn C. Tolson proves that being abused as a child is NOT an automatic death sentence! Lynn is proof that survival is a matter of will and to live in happiness or despair is a matter of choices we make for ourselves. Catharsis Foundation "It's Time To Tell" 





You can see the review and browse a selection of books by, for, and about survivors here:



Catharsis Foundation also has an international survivors community, which you can join free by clicking here

Uniting Survivors to build safety and strength in numbers
Supporting Survivors encourages the exposure of child abuse
Survivors Supporting Survivors
"Establishing the Survivor Networking Community permits us to help and support one another. By banding together, survivors will grow to be a force too powerful

to be ignored or dismissed!"





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Tolson 4 TEARS on "Divine Seeds of Hope" 4 empowerment

Donna Webster, of "Divine Seeds of Hope" interviewed author Lynn C. Tolson on the radio show "Divine Diva Inspiration" which is  " dedicated to empowering, inspiring, and motivating women all over the world. I am an inspirational author and my passion is to remind women and young girls that who they are is ENOUGH! I believe we are all given special gifts and talents and it's our job to discover them and share them with the world. Remember, it's never to late to start living the life you are meant to live." Click here f0r the link to the interview



Listen to internet radio with Donna on Blog Talk Radio

Tolson 4 TEARS "Hold On"

To the reader who contacted me and said, "I have just finished reading your book and I wanted to say thank you so very much for sharing something so personal. You are an amazing person. After reading your story it almost feels as if there is a light at the end of a very dark tunnel. Knowing that I am not the only one who has those feelings, and that someone else has gone through something similar and come out the other side still here, you have given me inspiration to stick around a little bit longer. So thank you :)"