Lynn C. Tolson's Blog: Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor's Story by Lynn C. Tolson, blog, page 18

Tolson 4 TEARS on "Woman Talk Live" hosted by Ann Quasman

Woman Talk Live  hosted an interview with advocate/author Lynn C. Tolson, discussing domestic violence and sexual assault. Host  Ann Quasman  seeks "A More Conscious Conversation." Ann says, "We don't know about you, but we've had enough of the fluff. Enough of the kind of topics that only skim the surface of who we are as women. We want to go deeper. We want to talk about topics and issues that support and inspire us. We want to have conversations that make a difference – in our own lives and in the lives of other women. Everywhere. We want to get involved, and we want to evolve. We want a more conscious conversation. So, enough of the fluff. Let's start talking. WomanTalk Live is a live weekly radio show hosted by Ann Quasman and airing on Talkradio 680 WCBM in Baltimore. You can listen to the archived interview at this link! Also find Woman Talk Live on Facebook  Ann Quasman is active on her twitter account @annq. 





[image error]

Tolson 4 TEARS on "Women Talk Live"

Women Talk Live  hosted an interview with advocate/author Lynn C. Tolson, discussing domestic violence and sexual assault. Host  Ann Quasman  seeks "A More Conscious Conversation." Ann says, "We don't know about you, but we've had enough of the fluff. Enough of the kind of topics that only skim the surface of who we are as women. We want to go deeper. We want to talk about topics and issues that support and inspire us. We want to have conversations that make a difference – in our own lives and in the lives of other women. Everywhere. We want to get involved, and we want to evolve. We want a more conscious conversation. So, enough of the fluff. Let's start talking. WomanTalk Live is a live weekly radio show hosted by Ann Quasman and airing on Talkradio 680 WCBM in Baltimore. You can listen to the archived interview at this link! Also find Women Talk Live on Facebook  Ann Quasman is active on her twitter accounts @#WomanTalk and #annq. 





[image error]

Beyond the Tears: Not For Women Only; Male Abuse Survivors Too

When  Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor's Story was initially printed, it received the following review from a male therapist who counsels abuse victims. As the author, I was vocal about men being abusive, unintentionally avoiding the subject of males who are abused. When I received this review, I was glad to see that Beyond the Tears did not portray a bias toward gender. Thank you Dean Balderston for seeing the lessons in the book that any abuse victim may receive, whether male or female.

A Male's Perspective Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor's Story was very captivating. I felt for and understood Lynn as she told her story. I never felt that it was biased in any way, and longed to find out what was coming next. As a man reading a story about a woman and her experiences with sexual, emotional and physical abuse, I was touched by her courage to continue, even when she did not want to continue she persevered, found strength and did more than survive, she thrived. I was able to identify with the main character just as easily as if that person had been male. As a therapist I have encouraged several of my clients to read this book to assist them in working through their abuse issues (both male and female clients). If I could sum up the most impressive thing about this book besides the author, it would be how she tells her story as though she is telling it to her therapist. That is very healthy and encouraging to others who may need counseling. Thank you so much Lynn C. Tolson for sharing your story and breaking the silence. Dean Balderston, MA. LMHP, Author of The Real Life Adventures of Anna and Sadie





[image error]

Tolson 4 TEARS Reviews "High On Arrival"

High On Arrival A Memoir by Mackenzie PhillipsImagine a child knocking on her parent's door to get her father's attention. He says, "Not now, darling, Daddy's shooting up." What does that tell the child about the pervasive self-absorption of drug addicts? Of course, the message to the child is that the drugs are more valuable than any child's desire for love, affection, and attention.Sexual assault, addiction, and suicide are unsolved social problems that carry stigmas. The stigmas cast a code of silence that do not solve problems. Mackenzie has shattered the silence in the most public of venues. She has endured the risk of rejection by her peers, the backlash of a celebrity community that protects its so-called legendary "heroes" like John Phillips, and the untoward questions of ignorant interviewers who ask her about father-daughter incest: "Did you enjoy it?" Furthermore, she has been publicly discredited by her own step-mother, Michelle, who was in a relationship with John Phillips since she was sixteen. Where were her morals? He was an (older) married man with two children. Where were his values? The burden is on the victim (Mackenzie) to relive, recover from, and revitalize a life that was traumatized in a hedonistic family lacking respect and responsibility.If we read between the lines of a story about a rich and famous family, we will see Mackenzie's insight: "… if real stories of love and incest and survival are kept behind the closed doors of therapists' offices and judges' chambers, then current and future victims are destined to do what I did: to weather it alone, to blame themselves, to hide behind drugs…" Incest does not just "happen" like a random fender-bender on the freeway. It is a calculated event of power and control and abuse of trust. These real stories are all too rampant in "ordinary" families that do not have the resources for rehabilitation.Mackenzie Phillips wrote a memoir that is candid and cathartic. She makes public a story that is held private, and for that she is courageous. She received the Darkness to Light "Voice of Courage" award at the Circle of Light gala.

Review completed by Lynn C. Tolson, author of Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor's Story





[image error]

Tolson 4 TEARS Telling Everyone About Rape & Suicide on "Survivor Radio Cafe"

The Project 4 TEARS = Telling Everyone About Rape and Suicide One of the first opportunities I had to break the silence and comfort victims was on the web at Survivor Radio Cafe, hosted by Haullie Free and Ginger Gillenwater, author of Surviving Jane . Although this interview aired in 2008, it still speaks about the stigma victims of abuse often shoulder; the shame feels like the weight of the world until it's lifted via hope and healing. I'm recirculating this discussion because it challenges society to put the burden of shame on the perpetrator of abuse, and not to blame the victim. 





Haullie Free has not been silent all these years. She recently launched a blog and Facebook page with the intention to b ring Survivors of Sexual Abuse and Domestic Violence important News, Updates, Announcements and Inspiration for the Healing Mind, Body and Soul. Haullie says that her blog is a  Tori Amos inspired site for survivors of sexual abuse and domestic violence: Speaking out one voice at a time.





[image error]



You can listen to the archived interview here:







Listen to internet radio with Survivor Radio Cafe on Blog Talk Radio

Tolson 4 TEARS: Telling Everyone About Rape & Suicide + NSVRC

Every month should be Sexual Assault Awareness Month. According to the National Sexual Violence Resource Center, the goal of SAAM, which is in April, is to raise public awareness about sexual violence and to educate communities and individuals on how to prevent sexual violence. Considering the media attention to sexual assault, and the rise in survivors who are willing to tell their stories, it is imperative to understand the definitions of abuse.





These definitions help to determine sexual assault, but definitions do vary from state to sate.



WHAT IS SEXUAL ASSAULT? Sexual assault is a legal term as well as a phrase that pertains to unwanted sexual contact. State laws vary* but the most common phrase used to define sexual assault is "an act of sexual penetration or intrusion without a person's consent." Sexual assault occurs when sexual contact is not consensual.WHAT IS PENETRATION? Sexual penetration or intrusion can be vaginal, oral, or anal by any body part or object.WHO IS A PERPETRATOR? Sexual assault, including rape and attempted rape, can be completed by anyone, including an acquaintance, boyfriend or girlfriend, spouse, sibling, stranger, or gang.WHAT IS RAPE? Rape is not a legal term in some states. Rape is a term commonly used to describe acts of unwanted penetration. An attempted rape may be considered a sexual assault.WHAT IS CHILD SEXUAL ASSAULT? Sexual assault of a child involves subjecting a person under 15 years old to any sexual contact if the perpetrator is 4 or more years older than the victim; or having sexual contact with someone under 17 if the perpetrator is at least 10 years older.*WHO IS A MINOR? Sexual contact with anyone under the age of 18 by a person in a position of power or trust is considered sexual assault on a child. These laws apply to minors even if they think they consented to the sexual contact. Fondling or touching without consent are unlawful sexual contacts. This is a crime whether or not the victim is clothed.WHAT IS CONSENT? Consent means that there is cooperation in act and/or attitude and there is an exercise of free will, with knowledge of the nature of the act. A child cannot consent, nor can an impaired person. Having a current or previous relationship with the perpetrator does not automatically constitute consent. Giving in to an act out of fear is submission, not consent.State laws vary. Contact your state's Coalition Against Sexual Assault
My story of surviving abuse and adversity, Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor's Story , is listed at the National Sexual Violence Resource Center Library . Here you will find accurate information for victims and survivors, advocates and activists, parents and teachers. We need to be educated if we are to eradicate the social problems that plaque our society and cause a loss of human potential.





[image error] I am not an attorney, therapist, or doctor. I share from personal experience and impart others' information to break the silence, comfort victims, and challenge society. Anything I write is as a volunteer and not intended for professional purposes.

Tolson 4 TEARS Reviews "The Suicide Index"

The Suicide Index: Putting My Father's Death in Order by Joan WickershamHow does a daughter make sense of her father's suicide? Joan Wickersham tries to explain by using an objective system: the index. It is a unique format for a tough topic.The book begins in an orderly outline with the main category of Suicide, with sub-headings in alphabetical order. For example, it begins: "Suicide: act of, attempt to imagine." It appears as though the author explores the chaos and confusion of her father's suicide by using a logical process. But she is dealing with emotion, and towards the middle of the book there is a shift to narrative memoir. The reader engages in dialogue as if in a mystery novel, then is jolted by the realization that this is a true story of trauma.In the chapter titled "Suicide: psychiatry as a means of addressing," Wickersham abruptly changes perspective. For a writer, it is an intelligent shift for variety. As a reader, it was difficult to determine not only the reason for the alternative style, but also the nuances within the content. However, the complexities come across; it can't be easy talking to a therapist about your father's suicide.Wickersham spans generations in this book, offering an equal measure biography and memoir. She is self-aware, empathetic, and courageously faces not only the tangible tasks in the aftermath of suicide, but the question we all ask, "Why?" Yet there is no answer. (Had this been a research dissertation, perhaps the correlation between childhood abuse and suicide would be explored.)





[image error] Review completed by Lynn C. Tolson, author of Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor's Story

Tolson 4 TEARS talks to Dreamcatchers For Abused Children

On 11/20/2011, Dreamcatchers for Abused Children talks with author Lynn C. Tolson to break the silence, comfort victims, and challenge society.







Hosts Star Myers and Donna Kshir provide parents, caregivers and families information about child abuse, neglect, treatment for recovery, coping skills, teen issues; teen dating violence, bullying, cyber-bullying, low self esteem, suicide and the power of advocacy, as well as empowerment, family support, peer support, prevention, communication skills, the journey through hope and recovery.






Call in number to speak with the host (917) 932-1132 Sunday, November 20, 1PM Mountain, 3PM Eastern at this link on Blog Talk Radio!





DREAMCATCHERS FOR ABUSED CHILDREN  is an official non-profit 501(c)3 child abuse & neglect organization. Dreamcatchers says: 

OUR MISSION: is to educate the public on all aspects of child abuse such as symptoms, intervention, prevention, statistics, reporting, and helping victims locate the proper resources necessary to achieve a full recovery. We also cover areas such as bullying, teen suicide & prevention, children's rights, child trafficking, missing & exploited children, online safety, and pedophiles/sex offenders.OUR GOAL: is to lower child abuse statistics by educating the public on every aspect of child abuse through successful campaigns that provide educational materials & literature concerning child abuse & neglect, treatment for recovery, coping skills, family and peer support, prevention, communication skills and empowerment to families, victims and survivors.





You can follow the blog for Dreamcatchers for Abused Children and find them on Twitter!

[image error]

Tolson 4 TEARS on Domestic Violence, Power & Control

[image error] For Domestic Violence Awareness Month, Anne Holmes, of the National Association of Baby Boomer Women , hosted a tele seminar with author/advocate Lynn C. Tolson titled Why Does She Stay; Why Doesn't He Stop (click the title to play) Originally aired in October 2010, the tele seminar is relevant at any time. 







The National Association of Baby Boomer Women is an online association is the place to encourage, connect and support one another. It also offers an online community forum called Boomer Women Speak (click to visit link). Given that 1 in 4 women will be a victim of domestic abuse in her lifetime, this tele seminar offers information that may stir women to proceed to a successful "second act."  Listen as Lynn C. Tolson offers information about the concept of power and control in a relationship, and how to recognize the dynamics that hold a woman from her highest potential. The tele seminar relies on the Power and Control Wheel for educational purposes. 









A review of the power and control wheel offers multiple reasons why she does not leave. This puts more pressure on the victims when the burden must be on the perpetrator of violence, and the question should be, "why doesn't he stop?"











[image error]

Tolson 4 TEARS Domestic Violence and Isolation

Domestic Abuse and Isolation in Relationships



Those that know the story from my memoir Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor's Story, have read that I was vulnerable, easily manipulated, trained to be without opinion, and living in the shadow of my father's violence and subsequent suicide. When I was 18, I met a man 18 years older than me who had threatened to kill himself if I refused to marry him.Not long after the marriage ceremony to my new husband, Todd, he wanted to buy land in Chandler, Arizona. He said we could get rich quick on the land while living cheap in a trailer. I was only twenty-one, and I objected to moving out of Tempe, away from my Arizona State University campus friends. Todd threw fits, until it seemed easier to comply with his wishes than to confront his temper. So we moved deep into the desert, past the dairy farm and the rodeo arena, where the alfalfa fields were newly zoned for mobile homes.It was too far to commute to classes, so I withdrew. My best friends from campus, Scott and Cathy, telephoned to say they wanted to visit. I made excuses: "It's not a good day. Todd worked later than usual last night. He's still sleeping." "It's not a good time. I have to go to the doctor." "It's not a good year. I am very, very busy." I was not avoiding seeing them; I was avoiding them seeing me.A year went by. I did not return to college. I had not seen my friends. One afternoon Cathy called and insisted on visiting. Despite my excuses, they were not about to let a desert monsoon keep them away. Scott and Cathy pulled up while a dust storm was developing. As I stood outside, hollering "hello" above the noise of the rattling aluminum awning, a gust of wind literally blew me down."Lynn, you're as thin as a reed!" The wind flipped my shorts like a sail, revealing the bruises on my thigh.



Scott asked, "Are you all right?"



"I'm all right," I lied.



We made small talk while watching dust devils that looked like tiny tornadoes flitting across the terra firma. Cathy and Scott were saying goodbye. "We're moving to Utah. We'll write." As Cathy moved toward me, I stepped back, resisting her outstretched arms because my body experienced pain with an embrace. Todd had swatted me often enough that my body no longer recognized the difference between a hard hit and a warm hug. I had lost contact with my friends; I could not confide in them. There was nothing left to say.



"Lynn, you take care of yourself, okay?"



"Yeah, sure." I was sure that another friendship bit the dust.I'd already been isolated from support systems when I married him, and that made it easier for him to marry me. The point of this article is isolation by the abuser in a relationship or as the relationship is developing so he can assert and sustain control. You might consider this theme as you are dating again in mid-life, or when your children are dating.The isolation may seem benign at first: He may make snide remarks about her family, but say he was only joking. In second, third marriages, when a potential abuser wants to possess her, he may deride her children from a previous marriage. The isolation escalates when he suggests or insists that she work from home, or not at all. She loses contact with her co-workers. He may initiate arguments with her choice of religion; no faith pleases him, and he refuses to let her worship at church without him. She becomes completely dependent on him for a world view. His perspective infiltrates her perspective until her opinion of herself is diminished to reflect only his opinion; his reality becomes her reality. He lets her know she is useless, helpless, worthless, and nothing without him. She loses her self to him, her insight, intuition, and instinct. He owns her. Soon, the victim is asking, "Who am I? How did this happen?"If you are dating again, or if you have a daughter, niece or friend on the dating scene, these are just a few of the signs of isolation to be wary of:She rarely goes out without her partner
He unilaterally controls every aspect of a date
She is restricted from seeing family and friends
He controls who they see, when, where, and for how long
Showing support for someone you suspect might be manipulated into isolation by an abuser may even save a life. Use your knowledge as power, and you don't want anyone to take your power from you! No amount of false romance is worth losing your authentic self. Maintain your support systems in church, with friends, groups, and activities. They may save your life!





[image error]