Lynn C. Tolson's Blog: Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor's Story by Lynn C. Tolson, blog, page 14

Tolson 4 TEARS Talks On 4 Healing Hearts & Minds

Guest Lynn C. Tolson, author of Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor's Story , was interviewed by host Janice O'Leary on Blog Talk Radio. Ms. O'Leary, who works in Canada, has an online counseling and consulting service, based on her professional degree: Master of Arts, Counselling Psychology. She also says she has "a life long love of helping those who need guidance." Visit her website at 4healingheartsandminds.com and/or blog





During the interview, I (Lynn) explained why I continue to talk candidly about the trauma caused by child abuse. My message is to provide hope and healing by comforting victims, breaking the silence, and challenging society.

The main theme of the discussion was about making conscious choices in the healing process.

"It’s up to you to make the conscious choices that bring about a better future. Find new methods to deal with old routines. You have to take charge of your life, to be accountable to yourself and responsible toward others.”



One of the questions Janice asked Lynn was, "What are your demons?"



From dictionary.com the word "demon" means



1. an evil spirit; devil or fiend.

2. an evil passion or influence.



I (Lynn) interpreted the question to mean the demons that resulted from the trauma of child abuse (which is in itself demonic). I talked about demons in terms of the resulting drug and alcohol abuse, patterns of difficult relationships, and suicide attempts. Fortunately, those demons have been exorcised.



Another definition of demons pertains to those perpetrator-of-abuse behaviors that leave a victim with demons to deal with:





3. a person considered extremely wicked, evil, or cruel.



(The subject of child abuse as the genesis of demons is in this insightful poem (click) by Jan L. Frayne, author of Beyond Survivor: Rising From the Ashes of Childhood Sexual Abuse. (Here is my review of his book). Other poems by Mr. Frayne appear at his Wounded Warrior blog.

(from Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor's Story) (click here for Amazon.ca link)



A listener commented: "Great information for people who just don't get it, and families who want to suppress and blame and shame."





[image error]






Listen to internet radio with 4healinghearts on Blog Talk Radio

Tolson 4 TEARS Reviews "Those Are My Private Parts"

Those Are My Private Parts by Diane Hansen

How do we talk to our children about sexual abuse? What can parents and caregivers say to prevent child sexual abuse? In a society that spends more funding dollars on intervention instead of prevention, Diane Hansen, author of Those Are My Private Parts , has found a simple yet ingenious way to answer those questions. Her book is illustrated with child-friendly drawings in primary colors. The text carries short rhythms with great messages. Every educator and caregiver, as well as children's advocacy centers, should have a copy of this book as a tool to empower children.

Diane Hansen was spurred to action when she heard a perpetrator of sexual abuse on The Oprah Winfrey Show. The convicted child molester revealed how he had used secret tactics and tricks to coerce children into sex acts. A child molester claimed that it is harder to manipulate children who realize the danger. And the danger does not lie solely with a stranger: 93-95% of victims know the attacker! The sting of betrayal runs deep when a child has been abused by someone he/she had initially trusted. Those Are My Private Parts clearly conveys the message to children that no one has a right to his/her body.

"Aunts, cousins, step-fathers, step-brothers, Nannies, grannies, Pa-Pas or mothers Never will anyone make me play A private parts game in any way."

Experts in the field of child abuse state that sexual abuse is a power and control issue, and sex is used as the weapon. The damaging consequences to a child who has been sexually abused are serious, including suicide attempts as well as drug and alcohol abuse. We have to protect our children! Bravo to Diane Hansen for finding a way to teach children to say, "Those are my private parts!" 



(Perhaps if I had had a book like this as a child I would not have had to write a story of survival from sexual abuse.)





[image error]



Review completed by Lynn C. Tolson, author of Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor's Story

Tolson 4 TEARS Cheers O.A.B.I. (Abused)

According to the website, the acronym O.A.B.I .: "stands for The Organization for Abused and Battered Individuals , we have been functioning silently since 2008, however due to the rapid increase in domestic violence and abuse cases over the years we were compelled to come forth boldly in 2011 to speak out openly about this social issue."​O.A.B.I. is a non-profit organization that believes "that education and networking are two of the main keys in preventing, eradicating, and bringing awareness about this social plague call abuse." Also, "O.A.B.I. networked with international organizations and individuals internationally who are speaking out around the globe and breaking the silence; they are moving the arms of law makers and educators to implement laws and policies for the abused and prevention of abuse."​Their mission "is to educate the public about the facts of abuse and domestic violence thus removing the myths and misconceptions on the subject, we aim to teach persons to be an engaged bystander an engaged bystander is equipped with the tools and resources to intervene before a sexual violation or any type of abuse takes place." 

Visit the Facebook page Saying No To Abuse and on Twitter and my interview with host Michal Madison on Voices United Radio Network​ [image error]





​

​

Tolson 4 TEARS Talks About Trauma & Recovery

Listen to author/advocate Lynn C. Tolson talk about her journey with host Michal Madison on Voices United Radio Network.





O.A.B.I. (Organization for Abused and Battered Individuals) says,  "Voices United Radio Network is the place where global voices unite against abuse and domestic violence. Breaking the silence is not a popular choice but it is the right choice, get educated, get informed for friends do not let friends harm others." You can find OABI on Facebook too!








Listen to internet radio with O A B I Voices United Network on Blog Talk Radio



[image error]

Tolson 4 TEARS on Rape Myths & Facts

Society spends its money and energy perpetuating the myths of sexual assault via media. It's time to forego fantasy and get real about rape.

RAPE MYTHSIt won’t happen to me.
Rape is an expression of sexual desire.
Rape is usually committed by strangers.
Men are never victims of sexual assault.
Victims are to blame in some way for the assault.
Men can’t stop themselves when they are sexually aroused.
If the victim was drunk or drugged, he or she was asking for it.
Sexual violence does not occur between lesbians or between gay men.
It’s no big deal if a woman is forced to have sex with someone she knows (for example, a friend, date, boyfriend, or spouse) and it isn’t really rape.
RAPE FACTS1 in 4 college women have been victims of rape or sexual assault. About 10% of sexual assault victims are men.
Rape is an expression of hostility and aggression with sex as the vehicle. Rape is a violent abuse of power in which one person acts without regard for the pain and trauma inflicted on another.
90% of college women who were raped knew their assailants. College women are in far greater danger of being raped by a friend or a fellow student than by a stranger.
Both men and women may be perpetrators or victims of sexual assault. Male victims rarely seek help, due to embarrassment and the fear that they will not be taken seriously.
Rapists are responsible for the rape. Regardless of the victim’s appearance, behavior, judgment, or previous actions, the victim is not responsible for the rape.
Men are capable of, and responsible for, controlling both their minds and bodies, just as women are.
Sexual violence does occur in same-sex relationships. Fear of homophobic responses may prevent victims from seeking help.
Inability to give consent is not “asking for it.”
Sexual intercourse forced by an acquaintance is rape. In some ways it is more traumatic than stranger rape because the victim’s trust in others and in her own judgment can be seriously damaged.
Prepared by Lynn C. Tolson for the Project 4 TEARS: Telling Everyone About Rape & SuicideMain Source: Warshaw, R. (1994). I Never Called It Rape; New York, NY: HarperPerennial.





[image error]

Beyond the Tears Receives 5 Star Review

Positive Outcome!




This is a definite must read book, [Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor's Story] the author keeps your attention throughout and you don't want to put it down. She opens up her heart and soul as she writes, her courage and strength to change her life around and become positive in a very negative environment growing up is admirable to say the least. She shares things about her life and the people in it that lets you experience the tragedy of a dysfunctional family environment, the abuse of drugs, horrors of being molested and being raped. When most people would never be able to turn their life around she has, it's a big difference in finding the right therapist and creating a more positive environment around you.

I can't say enough about this book or the author, you have to read it and I know you'll come away a better person for it. I know it would be very beneficial for psychology majors and counselors to read and learn about a persons life that would benefit them in their profession.

To give this five stars is my only regret wish I could give it a lot more and then some. I not only purchased the e-book version but also the printed version and have already recommended it to several friends across the country. I probably will be purchasing at least four more copies to give as gifts to friends I know that would enjoy the positive outcome and help them in their own lives as well. 





[image error]

Tolson 4 TEARS Reviews "Beyond Survivor"

Review of Beyond Survivor: Rising from the Ashes of Childhood Sexual Abuse: A Collection of Writings by Jan L. Frayne




The victims of child abuse often hold their secrets because the truth of their experiences is too much to bear. Often it takes a lifetime to process the agonizing reality of child abuse and its long-term effects on the victim. Jan L. Frayne, a male survivor of childhood sexual abuse, has revealed his secrets in a generous effort to raise awareness of child abuse, to reduce the stigma associated with sexual abuse, and to increase hope for survivors.



Mr. Frayne has taken on this monumental task though his writing, which tell the story in prose and poetry. A reader will hear the angst of a victim as he processes the torment of abuse and the suffering of survivors. His voice speaks for the millions of other boys who cannot find the words to tell of their secret pain.



The poetry is gifted yet not esoteric; it is expressive but not graphic. The raw honesty and emotional content of Frayne’s writing makes it relatable to survivors and readable to anyone interested in the plague upon our planet, which is the prevalence of pedophiles and perpetrators who prey upon children. We should all be interested in protecting our children!



Mr. Frayne (@Beyond_Survivor) offers us a perspective on the plight of male victims/survivors of child abuse. This is a necessary element in eradicating the plague so that our children can grow up with a sense of safety, and can mature to reach their full potential. Thank you Jan for having the courage to use your talent for writing in a way that is meaningful to society.




To read one of the poems, click here To find Jan Frayne's blog, click here.











[image error]






Review completed by Lynn C. Tolson

Tolson 4 TEARS Cheers Poem on "Tears"

I titled my book "Beyond the Tears" based on a phrase I wrote: "It saddens me beyond my tears that love is lost within the fears." But a phrase is not enough to express what tears mean. I am glad the following poem crossed my path because it also uses the word "fear" in connection with "tear", and the discomfort often associated with crying.








The dictionary defines the word "tear" as "a drop of the saline, watery fluid continually secreted by the lacrimal glands between the surface of the eye and the eyelid, serving to moisten and lubricate these parts and keep them clear of foreign particles. 

This fluid appearing in or flowing from the eye as the result of emotion, especially grief.







But the human condition is not easily defined by the dictionary. Often it takes the poet to describe what we experience in life. This poem interprets "tears" as a full expression of an emotional experience.






[image error]









When Tears Fall




by CM Cox

When tears fall in empathy,



one wonders what is wrong with that person.



When tears fall in sheer enjoyment,

one wonders why anyone would cry over happiness.



When tears fall in anger,

one wonders why anyone would do this.



When tears fail to fall,

fear wins,

pain wins,

our emotions lose,

our emotions lost.



When the tears of a child fall,

we leap to hold,

we leap to wipe,

we leap to mend,

we leap to dry the reasons that make them cry.



When the tears of an adult fall,

we fail to hold,

we fail to wipe,

we fail to mend,

we fail to dry the reasons that makes another cry.



When the tears of an adult fall,

in happiness,

in sadness,

in anger,

in pain,

in sympathy,

or in raw emotion---

we do not share this respected gift to one another,

because we fail to feel.



Doctors diagnose tears as psychological conditions.

Strangers view tears as emotion not needed.

Friends fear tears they can not mend nor celebrations they can not feel.

Family fear tears because they assume friends will mend them so they won't have too.



One that possesses life without tears is a life failing to live.



Tears fall because we feel, not because we don't.

Tolson 4 TEARS on DID, Dissociative Identity Disorder

Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) is a psychiatric diagnosis in which a person displays multiple distinct identities or personalities (known as alter egos, parts, or alters), each with its own pattern of perceiving and interacting with the environment.




According to WebMD, "Dissociative identity disorder (previously known as multiple personality disorder) is a fairly common effect of severe trauma during early childhood, usually extreme, repetitive physical, sexual, and/or emotional abuse."




Also visit the article about a survivor with DID who uses creativity to cope, and a poem by a survivor with DID.

Tolson 4 TEARS Cheers Survivor's Courage

The following story about Cindilin Pettibone was written by Karen Sucharski. 




“Your hair looks so cute,” I said to my friend Cindilin Pettibone as we met to go to a meeting.



“I know,” she said, then she leaned conspiratorially toward me, “I have no idea who got it cut,” she whispered.



This may seem a strange exchange to anyone eavesdropping. But Cindilin is a rare and strong woman with Dissociative Identity Disorder, formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder.



Cindilin was sexually abused by her grandfather from the age of four to age 16. She was also repeatedly sexually, emotionally and physically abused by other members of her family. When she sought help from a trusted priest, he too abused her. 



When we attend group therapy she reads her various diagnoses off her Blackberry. They include PTSD, post traumatic stress disorder; anxiety; and depression. And, with all of this, she smiles. She has an infectious sense of humor and a strong work ethic...



Cindilin will be ... exhibiting her artwork, selling jewelry with inspirational messages including “Believe the Child” and one word affirmations. She has found a great deal of solace in her artwork trying and succeeding at quilting, photography, cross-stitch, stained glass, painting, poetry, cake-decorating and scrap-booking to name a few. Her favorite is the jewelry making and drawing she said. Her therapist said she has seen growth in Cindilin through her drawing. She used to only draw in black and white. But lately she has added some color. “I love color,” Cindilin said. But she was afraid of it. Her drawing was also one of the clues that helped diagnose her DID. She said when she wrote, her handwriting changed. “The artwork was not all done by the same person and it’s signed differently,” she said.




She doesn’t experience as much missing time as some DID individuals. She has what is called “co-conciousness” with many of her personalities. But not with all. She said, to date, she has more than 50 personalities that range from an infant to personalities in her 20’s and she believes she has more yet to come out. “It takes me an hour to get to sleep because I have to put 50 people to bed. Then I wake up in the night because someone wakes up.”



When asked if integration is her goal in therapy she responded, “I’m not there yet.” Integration of the personalities into the dominant personality is a scary proposition to many people with DID. “DID’s just really tricky,” Cindilin said.  She said some people say, “’Let your little people come out and play with me’ That’s not okay with me because I try to keep myself under control in a world that demands it.” She was quick to add, “That’s just my opinion.”



In the meantime she has her arts and crafts activities. “I have to wonder if, out of the depths of all my desperation, my creativity kicked in. There isn’t a craft I can’t do if I put my mind to it. Exploring my multitude of hobbies will always fill a space in my life as both a means of recovery and as pleasurable pastimes.”





[image error]
Art by Cindilin Pettibone







Published with permission from CP