Lynn C. Tolson's Blog: Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor's Story by Lynn C. Tolson, blog, page 10

Tolson 4 TEARS on Domestic Violence, Emotional Abuse

We typically think of the results of domestic violence as a woman with bruises and black and blue eyes. This essay examines the aspects of insidious forms of domestic abuse. What is emotional abuse, and how does it pertain to domestic violence?

Emotional or mental abuse occurs when one partner attempts to make the other feel bad about herself. Emotional/mental abuse often crosses lines with psychological abuse. These forms of abuse are destructive to self-esteem and self-confidence. Here is part of my story to illustrate emotional abuse, excerpt from Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor's Story:

When I was nineteen, I was involved with a man eighteen years older than me. Todd and I had nothing in common, except that he reminded me of my deceased father. I did not have the wherewithal to tell him to get lost. I tried to escape him by moving to a different town, but he found me, and he moved into the same apartment complex. (This occurred in the 1970s. These days his behavior would qualify as stalking).

I was friends with a married couple my age, Cathy and Scott. When I tried to release myself from Todd’s grip to spend time with my friends, he demanded that I give him equal time. Todd became possessive because, he said, he loved me. He slammed my door and his door to demonstrate. The stucco landing of the apartments shook like an earthquake in California. There had to be a rational explanation for Todd’s conduct.

“He’s just jealous,” Scott said.

“Yeah, he must love you a lot,” Cathy said.

I ached to be loved. So I mistook the outbursts for love.

When Scott and Cathy invited me to have Thanksgiving dinner with them, they said that I could bring Todd if I wanted, but I wanted my friends to myself.

The day before Thanksgiving, Todd degraded my friends. He called Cathy a “pain-in-the-ass broad” and said Scott just “wants a piece.” Todd insisted that I eat at a holiday buffet alone with him. I was afraid of another door-slamming scene, so I declined Cathy’s offer.



As Todd and I walked past their apartment to the car, Cathy cheerfully waved, “Happy Thanksgiving.” Scott commented to me, “You look like a model in that dress. The green matches your eyes.”

Todd gritted his teeth: “I told you so! He just wants to get in your pants.”

Then Todd grabbed my elbow to steer me toward the inside of the sidewalk. “Never walk on the outside. That means you’re for sale.”

Was he a pimp? Was I a prostitute? It seemed like I had sold out something, in some way, but I did not know exactly what it was.

It was impossible to say “no” to Todd. When I tried to be assertive with him, he’d shoot my words back like an errant boomerang until what I thought I said did not sound like what he said I said.

There were several interwoven yet invisible abusive occurrences. The abuse is about what he did and said and how it made me feel:

He used intimidation tactics by making demands and slamming doors, which made me feel fearful. Not only is this immature, it is also an indicator of an abusive personality and of someone who does not have communication skills and/or coping abilities.

He used emotional abuse by disrespecting my desire to be with friends, which made me feel embarrassed. If he has to have the final say, and it is a unilateral decision rather than a mutual agreement, then he is in control.

He used isolation tactics by controlling where I went, which made me feel lonely. He deliberately sabotaged my social relationships. He also made me doubt my choice of friends by disparaging them.

He used psychological abuse by maneuvering my body to the other side of the walkway, which made me feel diminished. He confused me by twisting my words around, playing mind-games with me. If you could see the face of an abuser who does this, he either has a smirk because he knows he’s “one-up” as if he’s winning a competition of words, or he has a look of pity because he thinks, “oh, poor dear, you just can’t understand.”

There is no physical abuse in these scenes of domestic abuse, yet women are scarred for life from emotional/mental/psychological damage. Let this article about invisible forms of domestic abuse inform you of how women are emotionally wounded. If you discover a friend in this position, let her know you care, tell her it’s not her fault, listen without judgment, and encourage her to get help. If you recognize yourself, don’t stop believing that you deserve to be treated with respect.




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Tolson 4 TEARS Reviews "A Private Family Matter" by Victor Rivas Rivers

A Private Family Matte r by Victor Rivas Rivers



How does a child survive his boyhood with a father who delivers endless emotional, verbal, and physical torture?





This is what the reader learns from Victor Rivas. Born in Cuba, his family immigrated to America before Castro’s rule. Yet Victor did not escape the sadistic dictatorship of his own father. The torture that the father inflicted upon his family is difficult for a reader to process, yet it brings awareness to the tough topic of domestic violence.





The reader learns of a frustrating social system that denied resources to the most vulnerable victims: women and children. When Victor’s mother visits a police station to tell of the abuse she was experiencing, she was told that there was nothing they could do. They told her to call the next time he was beating her! When Victor ran to the police station to show his bruised pubescent body to the officers, they told him there was nothing they could do because it was “a private family matter.”





Victor’s father ruined everything, and stole his son’s right to self-determination. After witnessing abuse upon his mother, his brothers, and his pets, as well as enduring the vicious assaults from his father, Victor runs away from his house-of-horrors. He was safer sleeping in a cemetery. Naturally, he becomes a hostile, hopeless adolescent.





Yet Victor was rescued by seven families, teachers, and coaches. He spent the last years of high school learning to give and receive love. He became an athlete, actor, and advocate.





A review of 300-400 words cannot possibly convey the poignancy of this story. It is well-written, with a sprinkling of enjoyable observations, such as an anecdote about acclimating to Miami in August, and the bug life “spawned by the moisture.” Victor Rivas Rivers also shares his survival lessons as he pushes through his tough assignment.






As an author of a memoir with the same topics, I can identify with the ironic twists and turns of the home-site battlefield, as well as the universal themes of triump over tragedy. As an advocate, I would recommend this book as “a must read” for breaking the silence and cycles of violence and challenging society to promote peace in our homes.











Review completed by Lynn C. Tolson, author of Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor's Story




Victor Rivas Rivers has demonstrated the effects of family violence in this video. He uses his considerable acting talents to convey the fear. (I did not know he was an actor until after reading A Private Family Matter.) Bravo to Victor for using his talents in multiple mediums to bring awareness to the tough topic of domestic violence.











A Private Family Matter Part II from Greenie Films on Vimeo.




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Tolson 4 TEARS Cheers Healing Arts for Abuse Recovery

Cheers to the powerful combination of the arts to comfort victims of abuse. Poet Mary Graziano marries her prolific words with provocative paintings by Michal Madison to offer inspiration and evoke emotions. As a viewer/reader you can't help but be moved to tears by the vows these artists have taken to break the silence of domestic violence and child abuse. The pairing of these art forms conveys meaningful messages that have a lasting effect. Both artists are aligned with Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery, founded by Patricia A. McKnight (@triciagirl62) author of My Justice. You can listen to Michal and Tricia as hosts of the popular Butterfly Dreams show on Blog Talk Radio.












The brim of her hat

Hides the sadness

That erupts in her eyes,

Words that cut deep

To the very depths

Of her soul,

No smile ever touches

Her beautiful lips,




Sadness grabs hold,

Pushes away

Any happiness

That had ever

Been felt, pushing her

Into a dark place

Deeper and deeper

Not able to escape,

Her fears, her thoughts

Racing wildly for

She knows all too well

How one word,

One wrong move

Will cause havoc

To her body.




All the blows he has

Inflicted on her

Has marked her for life,

Silent screams

Of terror fills

Her body

That has been

Racked with pain,

Trembling with fear

Wondering what

Each and every day

Is going to bring.




The brim of her hat

Remains in place,

Her eyes filled

With tears,

From the beatings

That left them

Bruised black

And blue

Stripping her of

Dignity, her love

For life.

Time has not

Changed and will

Not unless she

Can escape the clutches

Of a Domestic abuser.





Mary Graziano ©








Tolson4TEARS Telling Everyone About Rape & Suicide, so no shed tear is wasted

Lynn C. Tolson, author of Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor's Story

Tolson 4 TEARS on Domestic Violence, Children Witnessing

October is National Domestic Violence Awareness month, yet domestic violence occurs globally 24/7 365 days a year. What is considered violence? What do parents teach their children? John Bradshaw, author of "Homecoming" and "Creating Love " says: "I consider anything that violates a person's sense of self to be violence. Such action may not be directly physical or sexual, although it quite often is. Violence occurs when a more powerful and knowledgeable person destroys the freedom of a less powerful person for whom he or she is significant." Bradshaw also writes that "Anyone who witnesses violence is a victim of violence." Do you think children under 5 are not traumatized by seeing violence? Can a 4 year old girl really erase this scene as if it never happened? Here is an excerpt from "Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor's Story." 





***My father opened a kitchen drawer and pulled out a knife. That’s the knife my mother used to cut bones from chicken. He was holding the knife over his head with the sharp blade aimed at my mother. She looked so small compared to his large body, and his rage was larger than life. My father noticed me long enough to stop killing my mother.*** 





Be aware that when you fight in front of your children, you are degrading their sense of self, developing their perspective of an unsafe world, and diminishing their respect for you. It takes decades of affirmations, meditations, medications, and celebrations to dry the tears of children whose parents fought while swearing to one another "one day you'll be the death of me." Whose fault is it when one of the parents commits suicide the night after a fight? Who takes on the responsiblity as surely as if it was a homicide? Children typically take on the blame for what is broken, for what they cannot fix. It takes forever and a day to undo the damage done to a child who witnesses the violence of parents who verbally, physically, mentally, and emotionally abuse each other. Be careful of what you allow children to witness, because all the time in the world does not heal all wounds.



Jerome Elam @JeromeElam is an advocate for children's rights, and writes for the Washington Times Communities. You can read his article titled  Children of Domestic Violence: A black and blue fairy tale , which combines his personal experience with professional knowledge. He writes poignantly: "My father’s violent behavior seemed so unpredictable at first, a random explosion of anger that would fill the room with a fear that would suck all the oxygen from a room as I struggled to breathe." Sometimes children are waiting to exhale their entire lives.

Tolson 4 TEARS on Domestic Violence, Invisible Forms

Not all forms of domestic violence are life-threatening, but domestic abuse can escalate until someone gets hurt.






If a friend says of a mutual friend, “Her husband is abusing her!” do you think of an abused woman with black eyes? Probably, yet domestic abuse may be invisible.




The following is paraphrased from a narrative in my memoir Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor's Story





I was twenty-two years old. A friend, Sally, and I were in the kitchen my small apartment. Sally, a seamstress, was pinning the waist of my skirt for alterations. Due to stress, I'd lost a lot of weight in a short period of time. Since we'd known each other for about nine months, we were chatting comfortably as she tucked and gathered the fabric to fit my 5'4" 104 pound frame. 





My husband of a year burst into the apartment. He surveyed the situation, and, as if I were not in the room, he barked, “She wouldn’t need her clothes mended if she wasn’t such a scrawny broad! She’s a piece of work, isn’t she?”





Sally had not witnessed his verbal tirades before. I was afraid that he would sabotage our friendship.





He mumbled something about “worthless women” and slammed the door on his way out.




I wondered what I had done wrong.




Sally spoke softly, “Does he typically speak to you so mean?”




Sally seemed to be a sincere friend, so I confided in her. “Sally, it’s all right, he talks like that all the time.”




“It’s not all right. He’s abusing you.”




“Sally, no way! He never beat me or broke a bone. He never pushed me down the stairs.”




“Lynn, I've noticed. The way he treats you is awful. Does he hurt you in other ways?”





He’d grab my arm and twist both his hands around it, until I bruised. He’d say, “If you weren’t such a skinny runt, you wouldn’t bruise so easy.” He smacked me and claim it “was just a love tap.” He frequently hurt me with punches, pinches, and slaps, but it was rationalized or justified.







I divorced him a year later with Sally’s help, the guidance of a therapist, and an attorney.






But the wounds of emotional abuse take a long time to heal.







When we put a true story in front of the facts, the experiences of a victim become real.





What is domestic violence?





State laws vary in defining domestic violence but common elements include:





A pattern of abusive behavior when one person uses inappropriate power and control over an intimate partner. (click here for more information)





What is emotional abuse?



The emotional abuse pertains to what he said, and how it made me feel.





He made me feel bad just for being a woman.

He made me feel humiliated by putting me down.








Almost all abusers who are physically violent use emotional abuse.



You never know who amongst us is enduring emotional abuse. Help someone who tells you that she or someone she knows is being abused by her partner. Sally saved me.



Prepared by Lynn C. Tolson, @lynntolson author of Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor's Story 




Project4TEARS: Telling Everyone About Rape & Suicide, so no shed tear is wasted

Tolson 4 TEARS Reviews "No Tears for my Father: A True Story of Incest"

Review of No Tears for my Father: A True Story of Incest

by Viga Boland




No Tears for my Father is a memoir about the abuse of a girl at the hands of her father. At the beginning, the author offers a “trigger warning” to protect those who may experience flashbacks while reading and ruminating over the horrible treatment of a precious child. A true story about incest is bound to be an emotionally charged read.




Viga’s style of story telling is straightforward: she stays with the story in a manner that clearly states the torture she suffered. She writes, "That's the way it happened and that's how it must be told." The content is not veiled by vague metaphors, but is conveyed in concise detail. Viga explores the betrayal and brainwashing she endured via the despicable mind-games and manipulations delivered by her father. He was a narcissistic, dangerous, mean-spirited monster who played on her sympathies with his delusions over his own perceived victimhood. Viga was taught by him to bear the responsibility for his well-being; there was no relief for her, from girlhood to adulthood. Meanwhile, her broken mother offered no safety or security, so her depraved father took everything from Viga, body, mind, and spirit. The reader cannot walk away without an understanding of the evil inherent in incest.




The torment Viga was subjected to was a daily occurrence in her seemingly ordinary childhood houses, from Australia to Canada. Nobody could rescue her from her father’s obsessive control vis a vis unfathomable abuse. No one would estimate the depths of her fear of the man who seemed to be an ordinary neighbor. This illustrates the prevalence of abuse in the privacy of homes.




With pictures, poetry, and prose, Viga Boland exposes her vulnerabilities. The reader may comprehend how difficult it is for a writer to share the worst wounds. Yet there is strength to behold as the story unfolds. Both reader and writer are better for having finished this book because it serves as a genuine gift of hope and healing.



Review completed by Lynn C. Tolson, author of Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor's Story

Tolson4TEARS = Telling Everyone About Rape & Suicide



Viga Boland @vintageblogger is active in the advocacy network, sharing her knowledge and experience to help facilitate recovery for those affected by trauma. She's developed videos that offer information about incest and abuse, which can be viewed here http://www.youtube.com/vigaland 



You can visit COMING OUT FROM UNDER INCEST which Viga Boland developed as "the blog of an incest survivor, designed to encourage other survivors of child sexual abuse to open up & talk about incest." In addition, she has a Facebook page and group page Speak Out From Under.








When you finally come out from under

And absolve yourself of blame

When you cast aside the crippling fears

And rid yourself of shame

As you peel away the layers

To expose the soul below

You will come to love that person

The one you didn't know.




©  Viga Boland 2012











Viga Boland

Tolson 4 TEARS on Domestic Violence, Definitions

What is Domestic Violence? This is a GENERAL DEFINITION OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE and does not indicate the entire and complete service of of legal definitions; if further notes are needed, consult an attorney. This is to offer information as needed while hearing about domestic violence.




DOMESTIC VIOLENCE OCCURS WHEN ONE PERSON USES INAPPROPRIATE POWER and CONTROL OVER AN INTIMATE PARTNER.





DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IS A PATTERN OF ABUSIVE BEHAVIORS.




THESE ABUSIVE BEHAVIORS MAY INCLUDE



VERBAL

SEXUAL

PHYSICAL

ECONOMIC

EMOTIONAL







LEGAL DEFINITION OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE 18-6-800.3



DOMESTIC VIOLENCE MEANS AN ACT OR THREATENED ACT OF VIOLENCE UPON A PERSON WITH WHOM THE ACTOR IS OR HAS BEEN INVOLVED IN AN INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP. DOMESTIC VIOLENCE ALSO INCLUDES ANY OTHER CRIME AGAINST A PERSON OR AGAINST PROPERTY OR ANY MUNICIPAL ORDINANCE VIOLATION AGAINST A PERSON OR AGAINST PROPERTY, WHEN USED AS A METHOD OF COERCION, CONTROL, PUNISHMENT, INTIMIDATION OR REVENGE DIRECTED AGAINST A PERSON WITH WHOM THE ACTOR IS OR HAS BEEN INVOLVED IN AN INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP.



INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP MEANS A RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN SPOUSES, FORMER SPOUSES, PAST OR PRESENT UNMARRIED COUPLES, OR PERSONS WHO ARE BOTH THE PARENTS OF THE SAME CHILD REGARDLESS OF WHETHER THE PERSONS HAVE BEEN MARRIED OR HAVE LIVED TOGETHER AT ANY TIME.





Prepared by Lynn C. Tolson, author of Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor’s Story, for informational purposes only.




Tolson4TEARS = Telling Everyone About Rape & Suicide





If you need help, resources, and information visit the






National Coalition Against Domestic Violence

Tolson 4 TEARS: Telling Everyone About Rape & Suicide + NSVRC

Society spends its money and energy circulating the myths of sexual assault via media. For an example of how social media perpetuates the rape culture, have a look at the malignant responses to a seemingly benign Twitter hashtag, via this article by Chloe titled facetiously "Remember 'rape culture' is just a myth" published at Feministing.com. on 9/20/2013. It's past time to forego fantasy and get real about rape (see below for basic education).



Considering the media attention to sexual assault, and the rise in survivors who are willing to tell their stories, it is imperative to understand the definitions of abuse. You can find in-depth resources at the National Sexual Violence Resource Center, which serves to provide leadership in preventing and responding to sexual violence through collaboration, sharing and creating resources, and promoting research. You will see accurate information for victims and survivors, advocates and activists, parents and teachers.











Here is a brief explanation of the meanings of sexual assault/rape. We need to be educated if we are to eradicate the social problems that plaque our society and cause a loss of human potential.






These definitions help to determine sexual assault, but definitions do vary from state to sate.






WHAT IS SEXUAL ASSAULT? Sexual assault is a legal term as well as a phrase that pertains to unwanted sexual contact. State laws vary* but the most common phrase used to define sexual assault is “an act of sexual penetration or intrusion without a person’s consent.” Sexual assault occurs when sexual contact is not consensual.




WHAT IS PENETRATION? Sexual penetration or intrusion can be vaginal, oral, or anal by any body part or object.



WHO IS A PERPETRATOR? Sexual assault, including rape and attempted rape, can be completed by anyone, including an acquaintance, boyfriend or girlfriend, spouse, sibling, stranger, or gang.



WHAT IS RAPE? Rape is not a legal term in some states. Rape is a term commonly used to describe acts of unwanted penetration. An attempted rape may be considered a sexual assault.



WHAT IS CHILD SEXUAL ASSAULT? Sexual assault of a child involves subjecting a person under 15 years old to any sexual contact if the perpetrator is 4 or more years older than the victim; or having sexual contact with someone under 17 if the perpetrator is at least 10 years older.*



WHO IS A MINOR? Sexual contact with anyone under the age of 18 by a person in a position of power or trust is considered sexual assault on a child. These laws apply to minors even if they think they consented to the sexual contact. Fondling or touching without consent are unlawful sexual contacts. This is a crime whether or not the victim is clothed.



WHAT IS CONSENT? Consent means that there is cooperation in act and/or attitude and there is an exercise of free will, with knowledge of the nature of the act. A child cannot consent, nor can an impaired person. Having a current or previous relationship with the perpetrator does not automatically constitute consent. Giving in to an act out of fear is submission, not consent.








State laws vary. Contact your state’s Coalition Against Sexual Assault


@lynntolson My story of surviving abuse and adversity, Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor's Story , is listed at the National Sexual Violence Resource Center Library . 








I am not an attorney, therapist, or doctor. I share from personal experience and impart others' information to break the silence, comfort victims, and challenge society. Anything I write is as a volunteer and not intended for professional purposes.

Tolson 4 TEARS Reviews "Crazy Love"

Project4TEARS: Telling Everyone About Rape & Suicide to comfort victims, break the silence, challenge society





Crazy Love: A Memoir by Leslie Morgan Steiner




Leslie Morgan Steiner, a Harvard graduate with a coveted position at Seventeen magazine and a hip apartment in downtown New York City, seemed to have it all. She had already achieved sobriety, after determining she did not want to follow in her mother’s alcoholic lifestyle. Her father distanced himself from the family by immersing himself in his career. In her early twenties, Leslie had youth and independence to encourage romance. The handsome and charming Conor showed up at the right time.




Had Leslie been aware of the behaviors of a potentially abusive man, she might have realized that all that he said and did were manipulations based to suit his needs. He was in it for himself. But she fell in love. She wanted to “help him overcome the years of abuse and neglect and pain…And if I could make him whole, we’d be one person. He’d be mine forever.” The foundation for relationship was faulty; it would require insight and experience to recognize the potential for collapse.




The reader learns the signs of an abuser, at first subtle, such as snide remarks about friends, and then covert, such as demanding forfeiture of her career. Leslie cannot make a decision without mentally challenging herself first, asking, “What will Conor think?” or “How will Conor react?” The problem is, he is so unpredictable, she can never anticipate his reaction.




Woven throughout this story is a dog that Conor insisted on having, yet Leslie was reluctant to acquire. Leslie nonetheless became attached to the dog. It was interesting to read the details of the dog’s behavior during the dynamics of the relationship.




The reader learns of unexpected betrayals during Leslie’s most difficult times, as well as a surprise redemption. Also, the reader learns how hard it is to live with abuse, to survive the physical and emotional wounds, to leave, to get restraining orders, make impossible choices, to move out, to move on. This book was well-written, incorporating information, insight, and depth of characters. We ask, “Why didn’t she leave?” and Leslie Morgan Steiner tells us. We might ask, “Why didn’t he stop?” Too often, he can’t.




This book reads like a psychological thriller, yet it is true life, and is only one of thousands of stories like it. Read it to know that someone you know may be at risk.

Tolson 4 TEARS Reviews "Shards of Glass"

The Project4TEARS = Telling Everyone About Rape & Suicide, so no shed tear is wasted.





Shards of Glass: A little girl's journey back into her world of physical, mental, and sexual abuse. 



The little girl's prayer was "Please Lord, don't let him find me."



CW Seymore wrote a heartbreaking yet hopeful book. She witnessed extreme domestic violence and was the victim of unrelenting and unbearable child abuse. She sought safety by sleeping alone in the woods rather than in her own bedroom with her sisters. But was she ever safe from the emotional torture and mental cruelty? She sought salvation in faith and sports, attaining a sense of value and worth that was not offered in her home.




Seymore documented her life to bring awareness to the epidemic of abuse and to help others overcome the effects of trauma. Her writing gives voice to the hardships she endured and the emotions she experienced; victims of abuse often seek healing in reading others’ stories. Shards of Glass is beneficial to survivors and their support systems as a bold look at the reality of generational cycles of abuse and the need for long-term recovery.



You can find CW Seymore on Twitter @cwseymore and Facebook




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