Lynn C. Tolson's Blog: Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor's Story by Lynn C. Tolson, blog, page 8

Tolson 4 TEARS Cheers Lamplighters + R.E.P.A.I.R

Marjorie McKinnon is an advocate and author of the series titled R.E.P.A.I.R. This stands for Recognition, Entry, Process, Awareness, Insight, RhythmThese books are designed for victims/survivors of abuse who want to: Uncover and acknowledge feelings by discovering emotionBuild self-esteem and optimismDiscern healthy and unhealthy messagesLearn special games to rebuild courage and optimismReveal inner states with picture drawingBreak free from the confines of false shameCultivate self-care skills and practicesLearn about boundaries and bodiesReturn to the natural rhythm and flow of life





Marjorie McKinnon is the founder of the Lamplighter Movement. The organization has 93 CHAPTERS IN 13 COUNTRIES! The goal is to "provide a “home away from home” for other survivors, a safe place where they can tell their story. and provide ideas and thoughts on how to recover from any kind of sexual abuse, incest, child sexual abuse, rape, domestic violence and sexual assault. As we heal we reach out to others. You are not only in a safe place, you are building up support with like-minded people. Most of us have been sexually abused so we know where you’ve been, what you are feeling and how desperately you want to repair the damage.  Some of us are working the REPAIR Your Life program and need clarification or just plain validation that we are making progress as we go across the Bridge of Recovery. Whatever your reason, we need you. Please join us!"

Blog posted by Lynn C. Tolson, author of Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor's Story

Tolson 4 TEARS* on Surviving Child Abuse

What is it like to be a survivor of child abuse? How does a victim L-I-V-E after being in the heavy cauldron of verbal, emotional, mental, physical, psychological, religious, and sexual abuse? The steam of putrid abuse is so hot it burns the skin and melts the mind into a pile of lifeless ashes. How does a child teach him/herself to rise up and carry on after being sexually assaulted by family members or other trusted adults?


What if the mix of nature versus nurture or neglect is toxic, like poison boiling over, and the family that was supposed to protect her is spewing witch's stews of evil? There is no life juice; to L-I-V-E daily in that environment is like drinking from a bottle with a skull and crossbones on it, taunting, teasing, tempting suicide as a remedy. She doesn't live; she exists in a context where she is scared-to-death of the world at large.


Surviving means standing over the cauldron with a big stick of strength, stirring the pot despite the acrid fumes that choke the breath. It takes mighty courage to dredge up the heavy dark scum. Recovering means turning the brew upside down and inside out to see it for what it is: LIES! The ladle is heavy with betrayal and deceit. Stir the pot, sift through the garbage and discard the vile crud that drained your power!


When truth and clarity come into focus, your healing can begin. Take back your power by straining your truth from their lies.


Thriving means educating, empowering, and enlightening your S-E-L-F. You were designed to L-I-V-E. You were created to breathe in the fragrance of connection, to cultivate clarity of thought, to sow seeds of integrity, to reap relationships of L-O-V-E. To thrive means to embrace a love-of-life perspective.




I have laughed, lived, loved and lost.I have cried, mourned, and grievedhoped, prayed and healed.I have found strength and true beauty. I am a SURVIVOR


Post completed by Lynn C. Tolson,  Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor's Story*Tolson 4 TEARS: Telling Everyone About Rape & Suicide, so no shed tear is wasted

Tolson 4 TEARS: Telling Everyone About Rape & Suicide + NSVRC

Society spends its money and energy circulating the myths of sexual assault via media. For an example of how social media perpetuates the rape culture, have a look at the malignant responses to a seemingly benign Twitter hashtag, via this article by Chloe titled facetiously "Remember 'rape culture' is just a myth" published at Feministing.com. on 9/20/2013. It's past time to forego fantasy and get real about rape (see below for basic education).

Considering the media attention to sexual assault, and the rise in survivors who are willing to tell their stories, it is imperative to understand the definitions of abuse. You can find in-depth resources at the National Sexual Violence Resource Center, which serves to provide leadership in preventing and responding to sexual violence through collaboration, sharing and creating resources, and promoting research. You will see accurate information for victims and survivors, advocates and activists, parents and teachers.




Here is a brief explanation of the meanings of sexual assault/rape. We need to be educated if we are to eradicate the social problems that plaque our society and cause a loss of human potential.

These definitions help to determine sexual assault, but definitions do vary from state to sate.
WHAT IS SEXUAL ASSAULT? Sexual assault is a legal term as well as a phrase that pertains to unwanted sexual contact. State laws vary* but the most common phrase used to define sexual assault is “an act of sexual penetration or intrusion without a person’s consent.” Sexual assault occurs when sexual contact is not consensual.WHAT IS PENETRATION? Sexual penetration or intrusion can be vaginal, oral, or anal by any body part or object.WHO IS A PERPETRATOR? Sexual assault, including rape and attempted rape, can be completed by anyone, including an acquaintance, boyfriend or girlfriend, spouse, sibling, stranger, or gang.WHAT IS RAPE? Rape is not a legal term in some states. Rape is a term commonly used to describe acts of unwanted penetration. An attempted rape may be considered a sexual assault.WHAT IS CHILD SEXUAL ASSAULT? Sexual assault of a child involves subjecting a person under 15 years old to any sexual contact if the perpetrator is 4 or more years older than the victim; or having sexual contact with someone under 17 if the perpetrator is at least 10 years older.*WHO IS A MINOR? Sexual contact with anyone under the age of 18 by a person in a position of power or trust is considered sexual assault on a child. These laws apply to minors even if they think they consented to the sexual contact. Fondling or touching without consent are unlawful sexual contacts. This is a crime whether or not the victim is clothed.WHAT IS CONSENT? Consent means that there is cooperation in act and/or attitude and there is an exercise of free will, with knowledge of the nature of the act. A child cannot consent, nor can an impaired person. Having a current or previous relationship with the perpetrator does not automatically constitute consent. Giving in to an act out of fear is submission, not consent.



State laws vary. Contact your state’s Coalition Against Sexual Assault@lynntolson My story of surviving abuse and adversity, Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor's Story , is listed at the National Sexual Violence Resource Center Library . 


I am not an attorney, therapist, or doctor. I share from personal experience and impart others' information to break the silence, comfort victims, and challenge society. Anything I write is as a volunteer and not intended for professional purposes.

Tolson 4 TEARS Cheers "Boys and Men Healing" Video

Big Voice Pictures developed a documentary about male victims of childhood sexual abuse. Produced by Simon Weinberg and Kathy Barbini, Big Voice Pictures serves to bring awareness to social issues. 

The film is narrated by male adult survivors of child sexual abuse. Since rape is an experience shrouded in shame, stigma, and silence, the video producers obviously provided the compassion necessary for men to trust that their words were respected. These men share their most personal and private experiences. Their stories are poignant in conveying how much abuse hurts and how long the pain lasts. There were common themes amongst the individuals profiled, such as feelings of isolation, loneliness, and despair. 

The recovery from trauma universal to the men featured in this documentary included sharing the story, healing in community, and advocating for self and others. The mens' stories are enlightening and empowering. One advocate, active in SNAP: Survivors Network of those Abused By Priests, Mark Crawford, uses his experience to educate legislature and agencies on behalf of survivors. 

Boys and Men Healing  is a "documentary about the impact male child sexual abuse has on both the individual and society, and the importance of male survivors healing and speaking out for the well being of individuals, families, and communities. Featuring non-offending men, this film digs deep into the effects of boyhood sexual abuse-- shame, intimacy problems, sexual identity confusion, post-traumatic stress, substance abuse or rage that led to violence plagued their lives--yet each man ultimately chose the arduous task of healing. Through counseling and support groups and taking action toward the prevention of other boys, each man is a testimony of hope and the ability for survivors to thrive. The film bursts forth with beauty and celebration of men’s emotions and voices—too long veiled under masculinity stereotypes and silence."

The film is a "powerful tool for training, awareness, prevention & supporting male survivors." "Big Voice Pictures' Boys and Men Healing is an emotionally powerful, inspiring and hopeful film that intimately portrays three men’s dynamic recoveries from traumatic childhood sexual experiences, followed by an interactive discussion of challenges male survivors face."
You can hear Simon Weinberg talk about the producing of films with a social conscience by visiting Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery Radio, hosted by Patricia A. McKnight.
Twitter @bigvoice and Facebook Page



Tolson4TEARS: Telling Everyone About Rape & Suicide, so no shed tear is wasted
Review completed by Lynn C. Tolson, author of Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor's Story

Tolson 4 TEARS Cheers Video "Boys and Men Healing"

Big Voice Pictures developed a documentary about male victims of childhood sexual abuse. Produced by Simon Weinberg and Kathy Barbini, Big Voice Pictures serves to bring awareness to social issues. 

The film is narrated by male adult survivors of child sexual abuse. Since rape is an experience shrouded in shame, stigma, and silence, the video producers obviously provided the compassion necessary for men to trust that their words were respected. These men share their most personal and private experiences. Their stories are poignant in conveying how much abuse hurts and how long the pain lasts. There were common themes amongst the individuals profiled, such as feelings of isolation, loneliness, and despair. 

The recovery from trauma universal to the men featured in this documentary included sharing the story, healing in community, and advocating for self and others. The mens' stories are enlightening and empowering. One advocate, active in SNAP: Survivors Network of those Abused By Priests, Mark Crawford, uses his experience to educate legislature and agencies on behalf of survivors. 

Boys and Men Healing  is a "documentary about the impact male child sexual abuse has on both the individual and society, and the importance of male survivors healing and speaking out for the well being of individuals, families, and communities. Featuring non-offending men, this film digs deep into the effects of boyhood sexual abuse-- shame, intimacy problems, sexual identity confusion, post-traumatic stress, substance abuse or rage that led to violence plagued their lives--yet each man ultimately chose the arduous task of healing. Through counseling and support groups and taking action toward the prevention of other boys, each man is a testimony of hope and the ability for survivors to thrive. The film bursts forth with beauty and celebration of men’s emotions and voices—too long veiled under masculinity stereotypes and silence."

The film is a "powerful tool for training, awareness, prevention & supporting male survivors." "Big Voice Pictures' Boys and Men Healing is an emotionally powerful, inspiring and hopeful film that intimately portrays three men’s dynamic recoveries from traumatic childhood sexual experiences, followed by an interactive discussion of challenges male survivors face."
You can hear Simon Weinberg talk about the producing of films with a social conscience by visiting Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery Radio, hosted by Patricia A. McKnight.
Twitter @bigvoice and Facebook Page



Tolson4TEARS: Telling Everyone About Rape & Suicide, so no shed tear is wasted

Tolson 4 TEARS Cheers "Surviving Spirit" Michael Skinner

Surviving Spirit was founded by Michael Skinner, a folk/rock musician with a message. He delves into his emotional resources to serve as an advocate for victims of child abuse and the mentally ill. Then he fills his songs with heartfelt lyrics and melodies that serve as a voice for others. Mike started his advocacy work after receiving a diagnosis of PTSD, which was no doubt a result of the horrific child abuse he suffered. The debilitating depression derailed him, causing him to lose not only his job at the time, but also friends who did not understand the nature of his condition. Instead of hiding in silence, Mike started speaking out to increase awareness of mental illness and child abuse. Here is a video of Mike performing “Brush Away Your Tears.” Visit Mike at MSkinnermusic.com. Hopefully you will catch him performing and/or speaking at an event near you! See him on YouTube! You can also like the Facebook page here.
Surviving Spirit has developed The Freedom To Soar Award, a prestigious certificate that recognizes individuals for their “outstanding achievement of maintaining dignity, self-respect, poise and growth in the aftermath of what has been endured. Our logo, a colorful bird soaring in-flight, represents the heart of The Surviving Spirit whose mission is to promote Hope, Healing and Help for those impacted by trauma, abuse or mental health concerns. This coveted award has been designed using the colors and symbolism of Surviving Spirit's soaring bird logo. Hanging on your wall, this certificate will serve as a constant reminder of how far you have come and how high you can soar. Give The Freedom To Soar Award to someone who deserves to be acknowledged, encouraged and supported as a soaring free spirit... including yourself! You can purchase a certificate at the web store (link).






Michael Skinner shares the healing art of others at the Surviving Spirit web store (see link). Mike says, "One of our primary purposes is to help promote, market and sell the creative works of those affected by trauma, abuse and mental health concerns at fair market prices. It is hard enough to make a living as a professional artist, musician, author, etc, but when someone has to deal with the above mentioned health issues, that creates even more problems to contend with in trying to pursue your muse. Our web store contains both resources for our visitors and features work by those who have been affected by trauma, abuse and mental health concerns. Your purchase of the creative work that the Surviving Spirit represents is a good deed on many levels. It allows the Surviving Spirit to continue its mission of providing a healing outlet for those whose lives have been impacted by sexual abuse, trauma or mental health issues. It represents belief in the healing power of art while encouraging the self-esteem of the artist. Your purchase is an affirmation that a helping hand is preferable to a handout and that an act of creating rather than destroying is the true chain than connects us. Please browse the categories at the top of this page to see the breadth of resources and items we have available.
Surviving Spirit operates through the generosity of volunteers. If you're interested in seeing what resources Surviving Spirit shares, and the news regarding advocacy, you can email here  contact-us@SurvivingSpirit.com to receive the newsletter. Surviving Spirit is on Twitter @SurvivinSpirit

You can listen to Michael Skinner share his story of trauma and recovery here. He discusses healing through the creative outlets with host Mary Woods on Voice America.

Tolson 4 TEARS* Reviews "I Am Me" by Patrick Dati

Review of I Am Me: Survivor of Child Abuse and Bullying Speaks Out by Patrick Dati
Patrick Dati has written a memoir that explores his intense journey to self-identity. His personhood was dramatically changed when he was attacked by the serial killer John Wayne Gacy. How can a nine-year-old boy act attentive in school when burdened by the experience of rape? It’s too much to bear.
It appears that Patrick acted his whole life. He was pressured by a guilt-tripping mother to be who she wanted him to be. He sought her approval, tirelessly tried to please, and yearned to be accepted. Meanwhile, his older brother bullied and bashed him, adding to the confusion of childhood. Patrick lost his spontaneous personality early in his life, leading to a adolescence and adulthood disrupted by mind-numbing obsessive-compulsive activities. As a Catholic, he turned to religious rituals as a coping mechanism. He acted “as if” he was what everyone else wanted him to be.
Patrick lived in the shell of shame that typically encloses a victim of rape. His secrets led him to take on roles not beneficial to his unique personality. He married domineering women who controlled what he wore, where he lived, and even when (if) he could see his own daughter. He engaged in relationships that were emotionally and verbally abusive. He lived a life of pretense.
With the help of a mentor and for the love of his daughter, Patrick emerged from his shell. He explores the depths of his being and comes to terms with his sexuality. He tells the reader how he learned to embrace his authentic self. In this courageous memoir, Patrick conveys a message of hope for living a life that with integrity and individuality.




Mr. Patrick Dati @PatrickDati has developed the site You and Me Can Stop Bullies.  You can hear him talk about his journey on SCAN: Stop Child Abuse Now for the National Association Adult Survivors Child Abuse with host Bill Murray.

Review completed by Lynn C. Tolson, author of Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor's Story *Tolson 4 TEARS: Telling Everyone About Rape & Suicide, so no shed tear is wasted.




Online Self Help Radio at Blog Talk Radio with Bill Murray on BlogTalkRadio

Tolson 4 TEARS* Reviews "In the Body of the World: A Memoir" by Eve Ensler

Review of In The Body of the World: A Memoir by Eve Ensler
Eve Ensler has dedicated her life as an activist for human rights. Her memoir, In The Body of the World, is a deeply personal story of survival that extends beyond a subjective view to a global perspective on the female condition.
Eve Ensler defined her value in society and her place on the planet with work that has measurable achievements, such as The Vagina Monologues, and she has many accolades, including Newsweek’s 150 Women Who Changed the World. Admittedly driven to look about, not within, she went to over sixty countries to hear their survivor stories. Of her experiences in the Congo, where wars over minerals have ravaged the Earth as well as women and girls, she writes, “The stories saturated my cells and nervous system.”
As an outspoken warrior, Eve Ensler has not been afraid to voice her concerns about the oppression of women. She has developed connections around the world that serve to educate and empower. Yet she tells the reader that she has been disconnected from her body, as if she lived detached from her own flesh and blood. She explores the concept of this disassociation and examines its origins when she is diagnosed with uterine cancer. She was raised in a home that exploded with anger and violence; her father attacked her body while her mother retreated in distant silence. As a result, Eve says that she despised her body; she abused it with drugs, alcohol, and sex. Then, with the diagnosis of cancer, she summons her considerable courage to determine what, if any, relationship there is between child abuse and uterine cancer. What if the actual cancer is a manifestation of buried trauma? She asks, “How many women with vaginal and uterine and ovarian cancer have been raped or beaten or traumatized?”
Ms. Ensler defines the theme of the book: “Cancer threw me through the window of my disassociation into the center of my body’s crisis. The Congo threw me deep into the crisis of the world, and these two experiences merged as I faced the disease and what I felt was the beginning of the end.” To face the disease is to encounter mortality and endure the brutal treatments. She experiences the poking, pushing, and prodding of examinations as likened to the incest she suffered: “It goes on forever, me screaming, him shoving the needle attached to the long thick tube. Then he is done. I lie there on the table, stunned.” For the reader, it is a stunning association, and one can not help but ponder beyond the irony to a possible correlation between trauma and cancer.
Although her cancer treatment was torturous, it was not the end. Eve Ensler continued her work in the Congo to help create the City of Joy. But this is not an enjoyable read for the faint of heart. It is gut-wrenching in its honest approach, full of raw emotion and family relationships, and dares the readers to “turn our pain to power.”



Review completed by Lynn C. Tolson, author of Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor's Story

*Project 4 TEARS: Telling Everyone About Rape & Suicide

Beyond the Tears Goes to Africa

Imagine how astonished I was when I heard that Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor's Story was being read in Africa!


I received the following comment on my Facebook page from Moses Okoth in Nairobi, Kenya. 


Jambo, Its great meeting a Phenomenal person like you. Read your book and loved it. Our regards from Kenya. Thanks for the great job you are doing. Lynn alot more people need to get inspired and to get to know that they are NOT alone. Someday, it's gonna make sense to you about how a class of 30 students from the University of Nairobi made sense out of your book. And YES your book has helped. In big ways, small ways; with girls.and women. Its those ltitle things that you do that make all the difference. So there you have it: It's BEYOND the USA! NOT just beyond tears!  Mo! Asante Sana! (Thanks in Swahili).

I was humbled by his message. I wondered how it was possible to reach women in Africa with my personal story. After all, the scene settings and society of New Jersey, Pennsylvania, and Arizona is far from Kenya. Then I realized that this connection is not about distant places and different cultures: This is about people and the human condition. 

Emotions are universal; readers explore their own emotions to open lines of communication, eliminate shame, and experience healing. I am honored that my story, which held decades of secrets, can be shared in a book club in Africa. By bringing my dark secrets to light, it is my hope that others anywhere who have suffered traumatic events will know that they are not alone.


As is often the case on the internet, one link led to another. Moses Okoth brought my attention to The Pixel Project. The site states: "The Pixel Project is an innovative virtual volunteer-led non profit organisation using social media and online strategies to turbo-charge global awareness about violence against women while raising funds and volunteer power for the cause."


Eastland & Siaya Girls Project
At The Pixel Project on Facebook I learned that "The Eastland and Siaya Girls Project is a really positive project done by girls who were involved in the post-election violence in Kenya. Some were raped, others were gang-beaten and got infected with HIV. Others lost both parents. The organizers say that they have started the project at the grassroots level."


The Pixel Project says: "More power to them!" because these women and girls have shown the courage and determination to pick themselves up and to transform their pain into something so beautiful and positive. They are not victims. They are empowered survivors." Moses Okoth says that women make and sell a dress and the money is used to keep a girl in school for six months. You can visit this link to see more beautiful dresses and accessories from phenomenal women! 

For more information on what community organizers achieve in reducing gender based violence in Kenya, read about the Walk-A-Mile project!


As one heals, so does another.

Tolson 4 TEARS Cheers "Walk-A-Mile" in Kenya

Community organizer Moses Okoth is preparing for the 2014 Walk A Mile In Her Shoes event. This is the international men's march to stop rape, sexual assault, and gender violence. Moses Okoth is a leader in involving men in eliminating gender violence in his region of Nairobi, Kenya, Africa!
Walk-A-Mile Event with Moses Okoth, in Kenya
According to the website, Walk A Mile In Her Shoes mission is "To engage men and their communities in efforts to stop rape, sexual assault and gender violence." The walks offer an "opportunity to rally support in your community to raise awarness about the causes, effects and remedies for sexual assault and domestic violence and opportunities for men to end men's violence against women."

The need to bring awareness of sexual violence is vital in Kenya. According to the Good Men Project: "After the disputed presidential election at the end of 2007, Kenya erupted into violence. Over 1,000 people were killed, while hundreds of thousands were displaced from their homes. With no true authority and a barely-functioning medical system, the country descended into chaos. And with this came widespread reports of sexual violence across the country. It was a problem before the elections, and it still appears to be one after."

The 2014 Walk A Mile event will occur near Nairobi on February 14. You can donate to this worthy cause via PayPal. 

Thank you for broadening horizons and bridging continents for the greater good!

Tolson4TEARS: Telling Everyone About Rape & Suicide, to break silence, comfort victims, and challenge society, so no shed tear is wasted.