Lynn C. Tolson's Blog: Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor's Story by Lynn C. Tolson, blog, page 5

Tolson 4 TEARS* on Characteristics of Victim + Offender

By looking at this picture, no one would ever know that I was in a marriage fraught with domestic violence  I was so familiar with abusive relationships that I did not know what a healthy relationship was like. In therapy sessions during my twenties, I learned that "People often seek a life partner who serves to resolve issues of the past.” The implication was that I had done so by marrying a man who preyed on my vulnerabilities, repeating what I had experienced as a child. I responded to my therapist's comment by saying that I was not looking for a mate who abused me! My therapist said, “No, not consciously. We sometimes operate on an unconscious level, which may lead to repetition of unhealthy patterns." She encouraged me to become more aware of patterns that pertained to my husband and family. "It’s not unusual to do things as we saw them done.”


Lynn C. TolsonWhen we examine our motives, we make better choices. This illustrates why it is important to understand the dynamics of dysfunction: "If I know why I did what I did, I might do it better next time.” Realizing the characteristics of victims and offenders helps in determining whether it's an unhealthy relationship. You can't see the physical evidence of me as victim in this picture, but you can sense the traits that led me to perpetuate the roles. 

(victims and offenders may have some and/or not have all of these characteristics)
VICTIM
Loyal

Socially isolated

Low self esteem

Believes traditional stereotypes

Often compliant with trivial demands

Suffers from guilt, denies terror and anger

Convinced she is responsible for the abuse

Believes all the myths about domestic violence

May have witnessed or experienced abuse as a child

Attempts to manipulate the environment to maintain safety


OFFENDER
Emotionally dependent

Abused as children (typically)

Loses temper frequently and early

Displays unusual amount of jealousy

Has weapons & threatens to use them

Contradictory, unpredictable personality

Has limited capacity for delayed gratification

Drinks alcohol excessively (and/or other substance)

Commits acts of violence against people, pets, and objects


*Tolson 4 TEARS = Telling Everyone About Rape & Suicide, so no shed tear is wasted
compiled by Lynn C. Tolson, author of Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor's Story [image error]

Tolson 4 TEARS Review of "I Closed My Eyes" Domestic Violence

I Closed My Eyes: Revelations of A Battered Woman (Rebuilding Life After Domestic Violence) by Michele Weldon The author writes in the preface, “I can pray someday I will understand why he did what he did.” A decade after the publication of her book, Weldon may know that she may never make sense of the insanity that caused her husband to nearly kill her.Michele Weldon is an award-winning journalist, and her skills as a writer are demonstrated in this true-story about domestic violence. The book is divided into three parts. With each part, Michele inserts private notes and cards her husband wrote to her, each “love letter” meant to be endearing, carefully crafted with all the right words, but somehow lacking in sincerity.Part One: Getting There, explores an enviable childhood and optimistic young adulthood. In her childhood, she takes the reader to an ice-cream shop. Michele falls in love, and with few warning signs of an abusive personality, she is married to a man who is enraged and disengaged. In a subsequent chapter, she takes the reader to a pawn shop. The reader gets the disconnect, and how denial serves for survival.Part Two: Getting Out, explains how scary it is to stay in an abusive marriage, and how scary it is to leave. Although Michele has multiple support systems, it appears that these do not make the emotional aspects of divorcing a sabotaging tyrant any easier. He continues to batter her psychologically, often using their children as a weapon. Throughout part two, Michele writes about crying on a continuum; crying is a measure of healing and hope. The thread of tears is worth reading again.Part Three: Getting Better, offers gem-filled vignettes, such as an exploration of color, hands, growth, grief, sorrow, joy, celebrations. Michele writes about healing, how it feels and how it sounds “I was no longer spending my nights dreading his key turning in the lock.”This isn’t only a story about domestic violence. It is also a book about an empowered woman, separate from a man who possessed her, as she reclaimed her true self.Michele Weldon is the author of Everyman News: The Changing American Front Page and Writing to Save Your Life: How to Honor Your Story Through Journaling Review completed by Lynn C. Tolson, author of Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor’s Story
Tolson4TEARS: Telling Everyone About Rape & Suicide, so no shed tear is wasted




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Tolson 4 TEARS* Reviews "My Justice"

My Justice , a memoir by Patricia A. McKnight, is a harrowing story of unrelenting child abuse and life-threatening domestic violence. The author says that she initially hoped her book would open lines of communication between her and her adult children, a generation affected by the ramifications of trauma. Then, Patricia realized that abuse is an unaddressed epidemic, and her family was a microcosm of the problems that plague our society. She chose to offer a solution by making her personal story a publication that serves to educate and empower.
Even a seasoned reader of memoirs about trauma will feel the suffering of the narrator, an innocent child who experienced emotional cruelty, medical/dental neglect, and sexual abuse. Her father abandoned her, her step-father abused her, and her mother neglected her. Imagine wondering if this is the night your step-father is going to kill you, then trying to concentrate in school the next morning, then being the house-maid and nurse-maid and sex-slave when it’s time to be doing your own homework, then being chastised the next day for not having her assignments done on time. No child can be expected to carry-on like this for 12 years! Yet, no one seemed to notice the bruises, skin rashes, and tooth decay, obvious outer wounds that reflected the inner pain of a lost and alone child. Teachers ignored her and classmates harassed her. Tricia felt condemnation based on fear instead of compassion full of love. She also carried the burden of guilt and shame as well as the responsibility to keep the secrets of the disturbed and dysfunctional “family” she so desperately needed to survive because no one intervened!
McKnight uses details, descriptions, and a direct writing model to convey the terror of her childhood and young adulthood. The style seemed stream-of-consciousness, as if telling a story all in one breath. While reading, I held my breath, waiting to exhale. Sometimes the tense changed suddenly from past to present, indicating that emotions are not orderly concepts like chronological time. Sometimes a paragraph was written in 1st person with a sudden shift to “you” statements, as if the narrative was too hard for the author to relive in “I” statements. (First you live through it, then you experience it again when writing, and at different levels of consciousness.) Yet the readers’ final exhalation may be a sigh of relief; despite the torture and toxicity Tricia survived.
My Justice is not only a memoir; it is a call to action. In her own words Patricia A. McKnight implores people to “be the extended arm of help to anyone suffering from the impact of family violence or abuse.” She lives by shining example, offering words of encouragement and opportunities for enlightenment on the subjects of child abuse, rape, incest, and domestic violence. To tell a story about good versus evil, it takes courage to face fears, compassion for oneself and others, and a conviction to tell the truth. Bravo!



Review completed by Lynn C. Tolson, author of Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor's Story
*Tolson 4 TEARS: Telling Everyone About Rape & Suicide, so no shed tear is wasted

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Tolson 4 TEARS* Reviews "Crazy Love"

Crazy Love: A Memoir by Leslie Morgan Steiner

Leslie Morgan Steiner, a Harvard graduate with a coveted position at Seventeen magazine and a hip apartment in downtown New York City, seemed to have it all. She had already achieved sobriety, after determining she did not want to follow in her mother’s alcoholic lifestyle. Her father distanced himself from the family by immersing himself in his career. In her early twenties, Leslie had youth and independence to encourage romance. The handsome and charming Conor showed up at the right time.

Had Leslie been aware of the behaviors of a potentially abusive man, she might have realized that all that he said and did were manipulations designed to suit his needs. He was in it for himself. But she fell in love. She wanted to “help him overcome the years of abuse and neglect and pain…And if I could make him whole, we’d be one person. He’d be mine forever.” The foundation for relationship was faulty; it would require insight and experience to recognize the potential for collapse.

The reader learns the signs of an abuser, at first subtle, such as snide remarks about friends, and then covert, such as demanding forfeiture of her career. Leslie cannot make a decision without mentally challenging herself first, asking, “What will Conor think?” or “How will Conor react?” The problem is, he is so unpredictable, she can never anticipate his reaction.

Woven throughout this story is a dog that Conor insisted on having, yet Leslie was reluctant to acquire. Leslie nonetheless became attached to the dog. It was interesting to read the details of the dog’s behavior during the dynamics of the relationship.

The reader learns of unexpected betrayals during Leslie’s most difficult times, as well as a surprise redemption. Also, the reader learns how hard it is to live with abuse, to survive the physical and emotional wounds, to leave, to get restraining orders, make impossible choices, to move out, to move on. This book was well-written, incorporating information, insight, and depth of characters. We ask, “Why didn’t she leave?” and Leslie Morgan Steiner tells us. We might ask, “Why didn’t he stop?” Too often, he can’t.

This book reads like a psychological thriller, yet it is true life, and is only one of thousands of stories like it. Read it to know that someone you know may be at risk.

Review written by Lynn C. Tolson, author of Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor's Story

*Project4TEARS: Telling Everyone About Rape & Suicide to comfort victims, break the silence, challenge society

Tolson 4 TEARS* Reviews "A Private Family Matter" by Victor Rivas Rivers

A Private Family Matte r by Victor Rivas RiversHow does a child survive his boyhood with a father who delivers endless emotional, verbal, and physical torture?
This is what the reader learns from Victor Rivas. Born in Cuba, his family immigrated to America before Castro’s rule. Yet Victor did not escape the sadistic dictatorship of his own father. The torture that the father inflicted upon his family is difficult for a reader to process, yet it brings awareness to the tough topic of domestic violence.
The reader learns of a frustrating social system that denied resources to the most vulnerable victims: women and children. When Victor’s mother visits a police station to tell of the abuse she was experiencing, she was told that there was nothing they could do. They told her to call the next time he was beating her! When Victor ran to the police station to show his bruised pubescent body to the officers, they told him there was nothing they could do because it was “a private family matter.”
Victor’s father ruined everything, and stole his son’s right to self-determination. After witnessing abuse upon his mother, his brothers, and his pets, as well as enduring the vicious assaults from his father, Victor runs away from his house-of-horrors. He was safer sleeping in a cemetery. Naturally, he becomes a hostile, hopeless adolescent.
Yet Victor was rescued by seven families, teachers, and coaches. He spent the last years of high school learning to give and receive love. He became an athlete, actor, and advocate.
A review of 300-400 words cannot possibly convey the poignancy of this story. It is well-written, with a sprinkling of enjoyable observations, such as an anecdote about acclimating to Miami in August, and the bug life “spawned by the moisture.” Victor Rivas Rivers also shares his survival lessons as he pushes through his tough assignment.
As an author of a memoir with the same topics, I can identify with the ironic twists and turns of the home-site battlefield, as well as the universal themes of triump over tragedy. As an advocate, I would recommend this book as “a must read” for breaking the silence and cycles of violence and challenging society to promote peace in our homes.

Review completed by Lynn C. Tolson, author of Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor's Story
Victor Rivas Rivers has demonstrated the effects of family violence in this video. He uses his considerable acting talents to convey the fear. (I did not know he was an actor until after reading A Private Family Matter.) Bravo to Victor for using his talents in multiple mediums to bring awareness to the tough topic of domestic violence.



A Private Family Matter Part II from Greenie Films on Vimeo.

*Project4TEARS: Telling Everyone About Rape & Suicide, so no shed tear is wasted.

Tolson 4 TEARS* Cheers Poem on "Tears"

I titled my book Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor's Story based on a phrase I wrote: "It saddens me beyond my tears that love is lost within the fears." But a phrase is not enough to express what tears mean. I am glad the following poem crossed my path because it also uses the word "fear" in connection with "tear", and the discomfort often associated with crying.

The dictionary defines the word "tear" as "a drop of the saline, watery fluid continually secreted by the lacrimal glands between the surface of the eye and the eyelid, serving to moisten and lubricate these parts and keep them clear of foreign particles. 
This fluid appearing in or flowing from the eye as the result of emotion, especially grief.

But the human condition is not easily defined by the dictionary. Often it takes the poet to describe what we experience in life. This poem interprets "tears" as a full expression of an emotional experience.


ART4Awareness by Michal MadisonWhen Tears Fall
by CM Cox When tears fall in empathy,
one wonders what is wrong with that person.

When tears fall in sheer enjoyment,one wonders why anyone would cry over happiness.
When tears fall in anger,one wonders why anyone would do this.
When tears fail to fall,fear wins, pain wins, our emotions lose,our emotions lost.
When the tears of a child fall,we leap to hold, we leap to wipe, we leap to mend, we leap to dry the reasons that make them cry.
When the tears of an adult fall,we fail to hold,we fail to wipe,we fail to mend,we fail to dry the reasons that makes another cry.
When the tears of an adult fall,in happiness,in sadness, in anger, in pain, in sympathy,or in raw emotion---we do not share this respected gift to one another,because we fail to feel.
Tears fall because we feel, not because we don't.
*Tolson 4 TEARS: Telling Everyone About Rape & Suicide, so no shed tear is wasted

Tolson 4 TEARS* TV Interview 4 Awareness

In this interview, which aired in St. Joseph, MO, I (Lynn C. Tolson) was asked about the process of writing a personal memoir. I really wanted to talk about awareness of domestic violence and sexual abuse, but the host was eager to hear about the publishing process. The theme of the interview is similar to what I cover in the prologue to Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor's Story. ***For nearly twenty years, I engaged in careers in retail, real estate and property management. Every working day left me feeling unfulfilled, as if I was living a false life. My real life began not by changing jobs, but by putting pen to paper in journal writing sessions. Themes emerged regarding the impact of my sexual abuse, drug addiction, and suicide attempts. By using the journal to write about the problems and solutions discussed in my counseling sessions, a story of transformation evolved. My desire to share a message of healing from trauma became too strong to ignore; the book became a mission. I left the corporate environment to write my story about personal yet universal emotional issues. Although journal writing was a cathartic experience, the book was written with the courage to face my fears, with compassion for myself and others, and a conviction to tell the truth.By bringing my dark secrets to light, it is my hope that others who have had similar events will know that they are not alone. Readers may explore their own emotions to open lines of communication, eliminate shame, and experience healing. I also hope that my book promotes understanding of the issues that cause individual suffering and plague our society.***

Another question to ask is "Why read Beyond the Tears ?" You'll find the answer by clicking here!



*TEARS: Telling Everyone About Rape & Suicide, so no shed tear is wasted

Tolson 4 TEARS* Reviews "God, If You're Not Up There"

Review of God, If You’re Not Up There, I’m F*cked: Tales of Stand-up, Saturday Night Live, and Other Mind-Altering Mayhem by Darrell HammondDarrell Hammond has offered our society a story about pop-culture by describing his work as a comedian. He has also generously shared that which we don’t see beneath the mask of entertainer: the depths to which child abuse destroys the psyche. A writer who can tell this story of trauma, its ramifications, and recovery is generous enough to let others know that they are not alone. It is significant to solving social problems when a celebrity reveals that all that glitters is not gold; breaking the silence of child abuse is a courageous step toward awareness of the need for prevention. Mr. Hammond describes the crisis ridden life he led, which he fed with alcohol, drugs, and a constant need for intervention.The audience of Saturday Night Live may enjoy the behind-the-scenes activity of Hammond’s career on the show. However, audiences of his award-winning acting may not have known the origin of his genius. Apparently, his voice was not heard as a child, until he noticed that his mother would often stop abusing him when he mimicked others’ voices. He tells the readers how he developed this talent as a means of self-protection. Hammond writes poignantly about his father and their relationship, or lack thereof. Meanwhile, Hammond felt scared to death of the world at large. The fear shadowed him, and showered him with insecurities that led to multiple self-destructive behaviors. The pressurized public life as an entertainer and the intense private life as a trauma victim was his reality in paradox.The writing style seems appropriate for the man and the material. There is no sensationalizing of the trauma he endured; he tells this story as it unfolds for him, in unbearable explosions of flashbacks and nightmares. Hammond is tortured, as was his cold father and cruel mother, but he does not torment the reader with unnecessary scenarios of abuse. He gives the reader enough details of the child abuse to understand his inner hell. After countless rehabs and psych wards, misdiagnosis and medications, he also gives the reader reason to hope for Hammond’s continuation in recovery and contentment in relationships.





Review completed by Lynn C. Tolson, author of Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor's Story

*Tolson 4 TEARS: Telling Everyone About Rape & Suicide, so no shed tear is wasted

Tolson 4 TEARS Reviews "How I Stayed Alive When My Brain..."

Review of How I Stayed Alive When My Brain Was Trying to Kill Me: One Person’s Guide to Suicide Prevention by Susan Rose BlaunerOn the jacket of the hardcover, Susan Rose Blauner @sblauner writes, “I searched for a book like this, but found none, so I wrote one.” The first edition was printed in 2002, when there were few books about suicide. What was available lacked a story of recovery, and Ms. Blauner filled that void. Making oneself vulnerable by writing about one’s own suicidal thinking takes courage.It’s brave for an author to state that she has borderline personality disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, and major depression. It’s difficult to continue the cycle of life under these conditions. Blauner says that she was a victim of sexual abuse. (Rape victims are 13 times more likely to have attempted suicide than their non-assaulted counterparts.) Blauner shares her personal journey from suicidal thinking to hope and healing.The premise of the book is that most people who think about suicide don’t want to die; they want relief from emotional pain. Blauner was responsible to the readers by doing her homework. Included in her book are notations from specialists who study suicide, thereby offering research as a foundation for her statements. (Those who experience the suicidal thoughts are also experts on the topic.)In the “Tricks of the Trade” section, Susan shares sources of help, as well as skills developed in therapy. Blauner explains the difference between statements such as “I am depressed” versus “I feel depressed.” She uses analogies to illustrate the “Neuron Superhighway,” simplifying a complex neurological pattern. She offers numerous suggestions for the reader to explore. Sometimes, when one is suicidal, there are no other options. She encourages the reader to explore an activity, such as journal writing. It’s not the answer, but each bit of information is a step toward life.If you are looking for a book that will help you help someone with suicidal thoughts, How I Stayed Alive has specific instructions, including how to listen well and respond appropriately.Blauner put an enormous amount of work into this book. Part Seven includes hotlines, websites, and resources. There is a sectioned bibliography, references to citations, permissions, and an index. It takes effort to convey this helpful information to readers.Susan Blauner structured her intangible journey into a book that has substance for therapists, suicidal thinkers, and those around them. A portion of the proceeds of the book go to the National Hopeline Network 1-800-SUICIDE. If you are in crisis, call 1-800-273-TALK (8255) Suicide Prevention Lifeline

Review completed by Lynn C. Tolson, author of Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor Story

Beyond the Tears Receives 5 Star Review

Positive Outcome!


This is a definite must read book, [Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor's Story] the author keeps your attention throughout and you don't want to put it down. She opens up her heart and soul as she writes, her courage and strength to change her life around and become positive in a very negative environment growing up is admirable to say the least. She shares things about her life and the people in it that lets you experience the tragedy of a dysfunctional family environment, the abuse of drugs, horrors of being molested and being raped. When most people would never be able to turn their life around she has, it's a big difference in finding the right therapist and creating a more positive environment around you.

I can't say enough about this book or the author, you have to read it and I know you'll come away a better person for it. I know it would be very beneficial for psychology majors and counselors to read and learn about a persons life that would benefit them in their profession.

To give this five stars is my only regret wish I could give it a lot more and then some. I not only purchased the e-book version but also the printed version and have already recommended it to several friends across the country. I probably will be purchasing at least four more copies to give as gifts to friends I know that would enjoy the positive outcome and help them in their own lives as well.