Lynn C. Tolson's Blog: Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor's Story by Lynn C. Tolson, blog, page 19

Beyond the TEARS Receives 5 Star Review

Powerful! Raw! Honest!





Beyond the Tears: A True Survivors Story is a MUST read for survivors and all who love them especially survivors of suicide, incest, and domestic violence.

At the start of each chapter I noted a special quote that had a connection with that chapter. What a wonderful and special treat for the reader!Putting pen to paper leads to new discoveries on the true depth on the aftermath of incest and so much more. From page one I felt as though I was with Lynn as she described her world, bringing the reader on each curve, each suspenseful twist or smile. I felt so connected on many levels due to my own journey. Soulful angst, abandonment, search for love, healthy love, and searching in literally all the wrong places with all the wrong people not knowing or understanding we are deserving so much more especially after what was done to us and what was ingrained in us.Our society wants us to keep silent on such taboo subjects yet this author braves the storm-front and breaks with traditions sharing long held secrets, breaking cycles and talking about the six letter word. Voices need to he heard and stories need to be told. Thank you Ms. Tolson for sharing your journey! (Elizabeth Brawley, Child Abuse Advocate, Survivor and Poet)



Elizabeth Brawley is a devoted advocate for human rights and animal rights. She is currently on board with Can You Identify Me, an organization dedicated to finding the missing and identifying the lost. You can follow on Twitter 





An abundance of appreciation goes to Elizabeth Brawley for her tireless efforts!

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Tolson 4 TEARS on "Victims 2 Survivors"

[image error] Host Connie Rose (Anastassiou) interviewed author/advocate Lynn C. Tolson





Victims 2 Survivors"Breaking the Silence" One Voice At A Time on Life Improvement Radio

Transforming Lives from Victim2Survivor@gmail.comGiving a Voice and Breaking the Silence for Victims and Survivors of IncestLife Improvement Radio: Breaking the Silence One Voice At A Time

Connie says, "The show was amazing, powerful, insightful! Lynn's memoirs [Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor's Story] are a must read for our society to get in touch with the realities of life that Alcoholism, Drug Abuse, Suicide, Sexual Abuse, Domestic Violence are prevalent in our Society!" Constance Rose

Tolson 4 TEARS Reviews "No Time To Say Goodbye"

Review of No Time To Say Goodbye: Surviving the Suicide of a Loved One by Carla FineThe subject of suicide is difficult to share. Ms. Fine is courageous to show the readers the depth of her devastation after the suicide of her husband. Although there is no how-to book on surviving the suicide of someone close, this book comes close in defining the emotions that surface in the aftermath. Others will see that they are not alone.The author lets the readers into her own experience with the first chapter, where she describes her husband's suicide scenario. As a physician, he knew exactly what he was doing, in a premeditated death march. Twenty-one years of marriage and a thriving practice had not been enough to assuage his despair. In a detailed account, Ms. Fine tells the readers how she found him. The scene, the choice, and the permanence of his decision had an impact on her that was too much to bear.Carla Fine sought support from a group where suicide survivors bond with one another. The author weaves her own experience with others' stories of surviving suicide. Even in cases where suicide had been spoken of and previously prevented, the ultimate tragedy is nothing but a shock to those left behind. The author contends that healing begins with talking, and chapter 1 is aptly titled "Letting Go of the Silence."The book is well-organized into six parts and 19 chapters, including resources. Chapter 5 focuses on the stigma of suicide. The author, as well as others she interviewed, fabricated stories about the nature of their loved ones' deaths to avoid the stares and silence that comes after the word "suicide." People ask nosy questions about how someone died, and suicide is an uncomfortable answer. Throughout the book, Ms. Fine relies on the reference Suicide and Its Aftermath: Understanding and Counseling the Survivors by Edward Dunne and Karen Dunne-Maxim, which gives credence to the narratives and anecdotes in No Time To Say Goodbye. Yet there is no better voice for the suffering than from one who has been though the pain.The overall pace of the book was gentle and slow, with wise comments that closed each chapter. "We have heard one another's stories of survival after suicide many times before, we know that every retelling will uncover fresh insights, recovered details, and unexpected interpretations." (page 222). Some of the stories describe inconceivable emotional crisis and disturbing suicide scenes. Some of the stories describe inconceivable psychological trauma and disturbing suicide scenes. As a "survivor" of my father's suicide, and a "survivor" of my own suicide attempts, I'd recommend this book for those who are unafraid of an honest approach to the gut-wrenching crisis of suicide. [image error] Review completed by Lynn C. Tolson, author of Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor's Story

Tolson 4 TEARS on "Feel and Look Fabulous"

The host of "Feel and Look Fabulous," @IrinaWardas, talked with Lynn C. Tolson about healing from domestic violence and sexual assault. Trauma can produce ill-effects on the mind, body, and spirit. Lynn and Irina discussed additional methods of healing, such as affirmations, meditations, inspirations, and celebrations! Irina is also known as the Natural Counselor.





Irina Wardas hosts a women's holistic health talk radio show, and facilitates coaching & motivation techniques and tools to help midlife women feel and look fabulous naturally.





You can visit the Facebook page for Feel and Look Fabulous!









Listen to internet radio with NaturalCounselor on Blog Talk Radio

Tolson 4 TEARS on Domestic Violence, Definitions

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month.



What is Domestic Violence? This is a GENERAL DEFINITION OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE and does not indicate the entire and complete service of of legal definitions; if further notes are needed, consult an attorney. This is to offer information as needed while hearing about domestic violence especially during October, Domestic Violence Awareness Month

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE OCCURS WHEN ONE PERSON USES INAPPROPRIATE POWER and CONTROL OVER AN INTIMATE PARTNER.
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IS A PATTERN OF ABUSIVE BEHAVIORS.
THESE ABUSIVE BEHAVIORS MAY INCLUDEVERBALSEXUALPHYSICALECONOMICEMOTIONALLEGAL DEFINITION OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE 18-6-800.3DOMESTIC VIOLENCE MEANS AN ACT OR THREATENED ACT OF VIOLENCE UPON A PERSON WITH WHOM THE ACTOR IS OR HAS BEEN INVOLVED IN AN INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP. DOMESTIC VIOLENCE ALSO INCLUDES ANY OTHER CRIME AGAINST A PERSON OR AGAINST PROPERTY OR ANY MUNICIPAL ORDINANCE VIOLATION AGAINST A PERSON OR AGAINST PROPERTY, WHEN USED AS A METHOD OF COERCION, CONTROL, PUNISHMENT, INTIMIDATION OR REVENGE DIRECTED AGAINST A PERSON WITH WHOM THE ACTOR IS OR HAS BEEN INVOLVED IN AN INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP.INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP MEANS A RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN SPOUSES, FORMER SPOUSES, PAST OR PRESENT UNMARRIED COUPLES, OR PERSONS WHO ARE BOTH THE PARENTS OF THE SAME CHILD REGARDLESS OF WHETHER THE PERSONS HAVE BEEN MARRIED OR HAVE LIVED TOGETHER AT ANY TIME.Prepared by Lynn C. Tolson, author of Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor's Story, for informational purposes only.





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Tolson 4 TEARS on Domestic Violence and Children Witnessing

October is National Domestic Violence Awareness month, yet domestic violence occurs globally 24/7 365 days a year. What is considered violence? What do parents teach their children? John Bradshaw, author of "Homecoming" and "Creating Love " says: "I consider anything that violates a person's sense of self to be violence. Such action may not be directly physical or sexual, although it quite often is. Violence occurs when a more powerful and knowledgeable person destroys the freedom of a less powerful person for whom he or she is significant." Bradshaw also writes that "Anyone who witnesses violence is a victim of violence." Do you think children under 5 are not traumatized by seeing violence? Can a 4 year old girl really erase this scene as if it never happened? Here is an excerpt from "Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor's Story." 





***My father opened a kitchen drawer and pulled out a knife. That's the knife my mother used to cut bones from chicken. He was holding the knife over his head with the sharp blade aimed at my mother. She looked so small compared to his large body, and his rage was larger than life. My father noticed me long enough to stop killing my mother.*** 





Be aware that when you fight in front of your children, you are degrading their sense of self, developing their perspective of an unsafe world, and diminishing their respect for you. It takes decades of affirmations, meditations, medications, and celebrations to dry the tears of children whose parents fought while swearing to one another "one day you'll be the death of me." Whose fault is it when one of the parents commits suicide the night after a fight? Who takes on the responsiblity as surely as if it was a homicide? Children typically take on the blame for what is broken, for what they cannot fix. It takes forever and a day to undo the damage done to a child who witnesses the violence of parents who verbally, physically, mentally, and emotionally abuse each other. Be careful of what you allow children to witness, because all the time in the world does not heal all wounds.

Tolson 4 TEARS on Domestic Violence, Emotional Abuse

We typically think of the results of domestic violence as a woman with bruises and black and blue eyes. This essay examines the aspects of insidious forms of domestic abuse. What is emotional abuse, and how does it pertain to domestic violence? Emotional or mental abuse occurs when one partner attempts to make the other feel bad about herself. Emotional/mental abuse often crosses lines with psychological abuse. These forms of abuse are destructive to self-esteem and self-confidence. Here is part of my story to illustrate emotional abuse, excerpt from Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor's Story: When I was nineteen, I was involved with a man eighteen years older than me. Todd and I had nothing in common, except that he reminded me of my deceased father. I did not have the wherewithal to tell him to get lost. I tried to escape him by moving to a different town, but he found me, and he moved into the same apartment complex. (This occurred in the 1970s. These days his behavior would qualify as stalking).I was friends with a married couple my age, Cathy and Scott. When I tried to release myself from Todd's grip to spend time with my friends, he demanded that I give him equal time. Todd became possessive because, he said, he loved me. He slammed my door and his door to demonstrate. The stucco landing of the apartments shook like an earthquake in California. There had to be a rational explanation for Todd's conduct."He's just jealous," Scott said."Yeah, he must love you a lot," Cathy said.I ached to be loved. So I mistook the outbursts for love.When Scott and Cathy invited me to have Thanksgiving dinner with them, they said that I could bring Todd if I wanted, but I wanted my friends to myself.The day before Thanksgiving, Todd degraded my friends. He called Cathy a "pain-in-the-ass broad" and said Scott just "wants a piece." Todd insisted that I eat at a holiday buffet alone with him. I was afraid of another door-slamming scene, so I declined Cathy's offer.



As Todd and I walked past their apartment to the car, Cathy cheerfully waved, "Happy Thanksgiving." Scott commented to me, "You look like a model in that dress. The green matches your eyes."Todd gritted his teeth: "I told you so! He just wants to get in your pants."Then Todd grabbed my elbow to steer me toward the inside of the sidewalk. "Never walk on the outside. That means you're for sale."Was he a pimp? Was I a prostitute? It seemed like I had sold out something, in some way, but I did not know exactly what it was.It was impossible to say "no" to Todd. When I tried to be assertive with him, he'd shoot my words back like an errant boomerang until what I thought I said did not sound like what he said I said.There were several interwoven yet invisible abusive occurrences. The abuse is about what he did and said and how it made me feel:He used intimidation tactics by making demands and slamming doors, which made me feel fearful. Not only is this immature, it is also an indicator of an abusive personality and of someone who does not have communication skills and/or coping abilities.He used emotional abuse by disrespecting my desire to be with friends, which made me feel embarrassed. If he has to have the final say, and it is a unilateral decision rather than a mutual agreement, then he is in control.He used isolation tactics by controlling where she went, which made me feel lonely. He deliberately sabotaged my social relationships. He also made me doubt my choice of friends by disparaging them.He used psychological abuse by maneuvering my body to the other side of the walkway, which made me feel diminished. He confused me by twisting my words around, playing mind-games with me. If you could see the face of an abuser who does this, he either has a smirk because he knows he's "one-up" as if he's winning a competition of words, or he has a look of pity because he thinks, "oh, poor dear, you just can't understand."There is no physical abuse in these scenes of domestic abuse, yet women are scarred for life from emotional/mental/psychological damage. Let this article about invisible forms of domestic abuse inform you of how women are emotionally wounded. If you discover a friend in this position, let her know you care, tell her it's not her fault, listen without judgment, and encourage her to get help. If you recognize yourself, don't stop believing that you deserve to be treated with respect.

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Tolson 4 TEARS: Invisible Forms of Domestic Abuse

[image error] Not all forms of domestic violence are life-threatening, but domestic abuse can escalate until someone gets hurt.



If a friend says of a mutual friend, "Her husband is abusing her!" do you think of an abused woman with black eyes? Probably, yet domestic abuse may be invisible.





I was twenty-two years old. A friend, Sally, and I were in the kitchen my small apartment. Sally, a seamstress, was pinning the waist of my skirt for alterations. Due to stress, I'd lost a lot of weight in a short period of time. Since we'd known each other for about nine months, we were chatting comfortably as she tucked and gathered the fabric to fit my 5'4" frame. 





My husband of a year burst into the apartment. He surveyed the situation, and, as if I were not in the room, he barked, "She wouldn't need her clothes mended if she wasn't such a scrawny broad! She's a piece of work, isn't she?"





Sally had not witnessed his verbal tirades before. I was afraid that he would sabotage our friendship.





He mumbled something about "worthless women" and slammed the door on his way out.

I wondered what I had done wrong.

Sally spoke softly, "Does he typically speak to you so mean?"

Sally seemed to be a sincere friend, so I confided in her.

"Sally, it's all right, he talks like that all the time."

"It's not all right. He's abusing you."

"Sally, no way! He never beat me or broke a bone. He never pushed me down the stairs."

"Lynn, I've noticed. The way he treats you is awful. Does he hurt you in other ways?"





He'd grab my arm and twist both his hands around it, until I bruised. He'd say, "If you weren't such a skinny runt, you wouldn't bruise so easy." He smacked me and claim it "was just a love tap." He frequently hurt me with punches, pinches, and slaps, but it was rationalized or justified.



I divorced him a year later with Sally's help, the guidance of a therapist, and an attorney.





But the wounds of emotional abuse take a long time to heal.





The anecdote is a paraphrased excerpt from my memoir Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor's Story. When we put a true story in front of the facts, the experiences of a victim become real.





What is domestic violence?





State laws vary in defining domestic violence but common elements include:

A pattern of abusive behavior when one person uses inappropriate power and control over an intimate partner.

What is emotional abuse?

The emotional abuse pertains to what he said, and how it made me feel.





He made me feel bad just for being a woman.

He made me feel humiliated by putting me down.


Almost all abusers who are physically violent use emotional abuse. You never know who amongst us is enduring emotional abuse. Help someone who tells you that she or someone she knows is being abused by her partner.

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Tolson 4 TEARS on "Time's Up" host Susan Murphy-Milano

Host Susan Murphy-Milano talked with author of Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor's Story Lynn C. Tolson about domestic violence. You can listen to the archive here. Susan is an author of Time's Up: A Guide on How to Leave and Survive an Abusive and Stalking Relationship , and is an advocate for victims.





Here Women Talk was started by Kay Van Hoesen, who says, "At HWT, no topic is taboo. Sometimes serious and edgy, sometimes playful, HWT is a friendly, safe place to listen and be heard. We'll laugh, we'll cry, and above all, we'll support each other and grow – TOGETHER!"





Here Women Talk is a social network with 20 weekly social radio shows inspiring and supporting women.





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Tolson 4 TEARS on "Voices of Hope"

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Host of Voices of Hope,  Gayle Crabtree , talked with author/advocate Lynn C. Tolson about domestic violence awareness. Gayle a public speaker, domestic violence advocate author of several books, including  Secondhand Hope . She is the founder Hope for Healing, a nonprofit that serves victims of sexual and domestic violence. The host says, "Lynn, Thank you for being a strong enough woman to write this book. You can tell from the press release that living through the firestorms had to be horrendous. To encourage others is a gift both to you and to others. May you always find peace and support to keep doing so." Listen as Lynn and Gayle break the silence. 













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