Doug Ward's Blog, page 32

Ward's Words #951

At Ward’s Words, we strive to make the day-to-day lives of our customers a priority.  Therefore, we will hereby discontinue using permanent marker in our new line of eyeliners. It seems by permanent, Sharpie actually means about a week.

Ward's Words #949

I'm so old that when I was a kid, it was right after the ice age and around the holidays we'd be bad just for the lumps of coal in our stockings.

Ward's Words #945

I think Ancient Alien Theorist is an acronym for "A nut bag who makes unlikely connections and believes that the answer to any question must be aliens."  Question; The blocks making up the pyramids are so precise a piece of paper can't fit between them. Ancient Alien Theorist answer; Alien Technology. Real answer; they were smarter than we give credit for. They had saws. Or is it more compelling to dream that they had light sabers? 

Ward's Words #944

Aren't green holiday lights kind of like dressing deer in camouflage?  You can barely see them. The whole tree is green. 

Ward's Words #943

The fine people at Oxy made a facial pad. After briefly considering Oxycotton they quickly changed gears and dubbed it facial pads.  I wonder why?

Ward's Words #940

For the holidays, I got one of those projectors that display dots of light on my house. I didn't realize they'd be shining through the windows all night. I find it terribly distracting while I watch reruns of the Golden Girls. And the cats, my gosh the cats are going positively crazy. It's like a million laser pointers all over my walls. 

Ward's Words #939

Why do Osage Orange trees grow Hedge Apples?  They must be the platypus of the tree world.

Ward's Words #935

Did you ever wonder why the hero always wins. We, here at Ward's Words, have isolated the reason. It's the music. Evil is always depicted with foreboding, twisted melodies while the hero rises with that inspirational score.  How can you out-box Rocky with a theme like “Eye of the Tiger.”

Ward's Words #933

If you don't believe in a grand designer then explain why turkeys come with that little plastic pop out thing that indicates when it's cooked all the way through. 

Ward's Words #932

I love turtles.  If you cook them upside down you get soup with a built-in bowl. (No actual turtles were harmed during the writing of these words.)