Doug Ward's Blog, page 34
November 11, 2016
Shower Strike 11-11–16
Other than a feeling a bit sticky, I think my 3rd day of no showering is going really well.
November 10, 2016
Shower Strike 11-10–16
I picked the perfect time of year to end my ritualistic bathing. Autumn. With the windows and doors tightly sealed against the chill, what could possibly go wrong?
November 9, 2016
In honor of my new saga "Shower Strike"
In honor of my new saga "Shower Strike," I will republish my last saga "Invasion of the Gingers." "Shower Strike" actually began 1 post ago. Enjoy the daily posts pertaining to this serial like story.
Invasion of the Gingers
Invasion of the Gingers 11-18-2014Aackkkk… It just dawned on me. Gingers can use hair dye. The soulless could be walking among us at this very moment. Every one of you is now suspect. Stay back all of you, back I say. Where’s my zombie/ginger whack ’en stick?
Invasion of the Gingers 11-18-2014I must master my fear, for this is a time for rational thoughts. Clearer heads will prevail. I must consult those champions of normalcy, Ward’s Words.
Invasion of the Gingers 11-18-2014 The fine people at Ward’s Words (the same people who formerly brought you Ward’s Laws,) are now working on ways to identify the daylight deprived. We now conclusively know that sunblock was designed so the gingers could walk among us during the day.
Invasion of the Gingers 11-19-2014We, at Ward’s Words (formerly the less funny Ward’s Laws,) have found an ancient tablet. After deciphering it we believe the only way to stop the living gingers is to double tap them on their bright orange noggins. Where’s my 9 iron cause it’s clobber ‘en time!!!
Invasion of the Gingers 11-19-2014It was a mistake. Everyone should stop bashing the pigment challenged at your earliest convenience. The old tablet really referred to a head ginger. If we slay the first Freckula the others will revert to a nice auburn (with soft highlights with a cute pixie cut.)
Invasion of the Gingers 11-20-2014The only way to slay Freckula is to expose him to the cleansing rays of our earth sun. Entering his lair, located in his parents basement, we attempt to lure the sub-human from his shadowy domain. A trail of Pop Tarts leads our quarry out to his doom.
Invasion of the Gingers 11-20-2014Thinking flames would lick skyward from the bones and ashes of the now destroyed Frecklua, to my dismay, nothing happens. A paper white claw reaches for my hand. I react too slowly, as the ivory fingers clutch my arm. Nothing happens. Could the tablets be false? Could everything I‘ve learned be horribly wrong.
Invasion of the Gingers 11-20-2014Generations of man have shunned the gingers. The truth has been laid before me and like a mirror, it’s reflection reveals the terrible truth. We are the real monsters. We judged the gingers clown-like appearances falsely, and succumbed to irrational fear. In shame, I walk away… my heart nearly as heavy as my pockets, full of Freckula’s lunch money.
Invasion of the Gingers
Invasion of the Gingers 11-18-2014Aackkkk… It just dawned on me. Gingers can use hair dye. The soulless could be walking among us at this very moment. Every one of you is now suspect. Stay back all of you, back I say. Where’s my zombie/ginger whack ’en stick?
Invasion of the Gingers 11-18-2014I must master my fear, for this is a time for rational thoughts. Clearer heads will prevail. I must consult those champions of normalcy, Ward’s Words.
Invasion of the Gingers 11-18-2014 The fine people at Ward’s Words (the same people who formerly brought you Ward’s Laws,) are now working on ways to identify the daylight deprived. We now conclusively know that sunblock was designed so the gingers could walk among us during the day.
Invasion of the Gingers 11-19-2014We, at Ward’s Words (formerly the less funny Ward’s Laws,) have found an ancient tablet. After deciphering it we believe the only way to stop the living gingers is to double tap them on their bright orange noggins. Where’s my 9 iron cause it’s clobber ‘en time!!!
Invasion of the Gingers 11-19-2014It was a mistake. Everyone should stop bashing the pigment challenged at your earliest convenience. The old tablet really referred to a head ginger. If we slay the first Freckula the others will revert to a nice auburn (with soft highlights with a cute pixie cut.)
Invasion of the Gingers 11-20-2014The only way to slay Freckula is to expose him to the cleansing rays of our earth sun. Entering his lair, located in his parents basement, we attempt to lure the sub-human from his shadowy domain. A trail of Pop Tarts leads our quarry out to his doom.
Invasion of the Gingers 11-20-2014Thinking flames would lick skyward from the bones and ashes of the now destroyed Frecklua, to my dismay, nothing happens. A paper white claw reaches for my hand. I react too slowly, as the ivory fingers clutch my arm. Nothing happens. Could the tablets be false? Could everything I‘ve learned be horribly wrong.
Invasion of the Gingers 11-20-2014Generations of man have shunned the gingers. The truth has been laid before me and like a mirror, it’s reflection reveals the terrible truth. We are the real monsters. We judged the gingers clown-like appearances falsely, and succumbed to irrational fear. In shame, I walk away… my heart nearly as heavy as my pockets, full of Freckula’s lunch money.
Shower Strike 11-9–16
That’s it. I’m done showering. Every day, I do the same thing. An endless repetition of wasting soap. Well, I say, “No more!”
November 7, 2016
Ward's Words #919
Why don’t Jedi fly? If they have such strong telekinesis powers, they could just push themselves up into the air and forward.
November 6, 2016
Ward's Words #918
What exactly is the criteria for becoming a professional hitman? Is there a board who judges your amateur status and promotes you.
November 4, 2016
Ward's Words #915
Pollution gets a bad rap. I mean an oil spill has such splendid rainbow colors, and smog can make some very dramatic clouds. Sure it’s killing us but I don’t like to be a glass half full type of guy.
November 3, 2016
Ward's Words #914
Did you ever look at the latest lego products and want to punch their makers right in the throat! When I was a kid all you could make was a square. Now, you can make a freak’ en X-Wing Fighter.
November 2, 2016
Ward's Words #912
I just found out that alcohol actually lowers a diabetic’s blood sugar so if you see me staggering around, I’m not drunk. I'm managing my diabetes.
October 31, 2016
Ward's Words #909
Do you know why people put those little sunscreens in the back windows of their cars? Because babies are actually vampires. Why else would they shun sunlight?
