Doug Ward's Blog, page 36
October 6, 2016
Ward's Words #988
My dog's so much trouble that I'm considering replacing him with a balloon animal. I just wish I hadn't started collecting pins and needles.
October 3, 2016
Ward's Words #985
I don't know who was more surprised. My neighbor, who turned on the lights shining on his garden or the three rabbits and I who were eating in said garden’s produce. We quickly scattered into the nearby woods.
October 1, 2016
Ward's Words #893
I quit the Black Plague Flagellants reenactment group when I found out they actually hit themselves. I just thought they would just be gassy. Maybe I shouldn’t have assumed they meant flatulence. My first tip was they were missing the telltale brown skid marks on the bottoms of their white robes.
September 27, 2016
Ward's Words #891
Boy, do disk golfers get mad when you catch their frisbees and throw them back. I call it being a goalie.
September 25, 2016
Ward's Words #890
My new behavior modification technique for the classroom is a mister bottle. If a child acts out, a few quick spritzes in the face acts as a deterrent. I call it discipline, yet oddly the school code says its abuse… I’m pretty sure they’re only guidelines, right?
September 22, 2016
Ward's Words #887
Taking a cue from the Purge movie series I think once a year we should be allowed to modify our cars, ala the Road Warrior movies, and be able to drive any way we want.
September 19, 2016
Ward's Words #885
When I was a kid my gym teachers made us wear white socks because black socks supposedly caused athletes foot. Did we know anything in the 70’s?
September 14, 2016
Ward's Words #884
They sell these new tactical flashlights that can be seen two nautical miles away. Great, now, during the zombie apocalypse, every time I take my lightly walk to the potty I’ll draw undead from two miles away.
September 6, 2016
Ward's Words #881
I just noticed that my vinegar has an expiration date. If vinegar is wine that has expired what does vinegar become? Vinegar?
September 5, 2016
Ward's Words #880
Putting your dog in a red and white, plastic ball and hurling it at some kid would get me in a lot of trouble, but put a Pokemon in there and you’re a friggen hero.
