Doug Ward's Blog, page 30

Ward's Words #991

When in the doctor's waiting room, I like to talk to myself imitating Gollum. I like to say things like, "Is it juicy precious? Is it tender?" Really freaks out the others nearby.

Ward's Words #989

Why do they have you announce your name at Alcoholics Anonymous?

Ward's Words #987

I don't like sports bars. All those screens distract me. I'm always watching the wrong game when something good happens.

Ward's Words #985

I don’t chew food with my mouth open because I’m rude. I do it to share my experience of eating with all people close enough to enjoy the show.

Ward's Words #984

I was playing the Sarah Palin version of Scrabble. The tiles had complete words on them.

Ward's Words #981

When I was younger, women treated dating me like a sport. It must've been fishing because they seemed to practice catch and release a lot. 

Ward's Words #980

Nuclear War is like peeing in a pool. Sure, you detonate a missile in another country, but then, mere hours later, the rotation of the earth puts you in the middle of the fallout.

Ward's Words #978

Sadly, I was researching my heritage and my family crest involves images of both hairballs and toenail clippings. 

Ward's Words #975

In our overly hydrated world, where people carry large water containers everywhere they go, we must be putting a lot of undue pressure on our public facilities. 

Ward's Words #973

My wife said she likes the atmosphere in this new restaurant. I gave her a strange look and said, “I don’t get it.  The atmosphere is 78% nitrogen, 21% oxygen, 0.9% argon, and 0.03% carbon dioxide with very small percentages of other elements just like the rest of the earth.”