Difficult Conversations Quotes

“It’s better to make your question an invitation rather than a demand, and to make that clear. The difference is that an invitation can be declined without penalty. This offers a greater sense of safety and, especially if the other person declines to respond and your reaction makes that okay, it builds trust between you.”
― Douglas Stone, Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

“Can you say a little more about how you see things? • What information might you have that I don’t? • How do you see it differently? • What impact have my actions had on you? • Can you say a little more about why you think this is my fault? • Were you reacting to something I did? • How are you feeling about all of this? • Say more about why this is important to you. • What would it mean to you if that happened? If”
― Douglas Stone, Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

“What leads you to say that?” “Can you give me an example?” “What would that look like?” “How would that work?” “How would we test that hypothesis?”
― Douglas Stone, Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

“Tell me more” and “Help me understand better . . .”
― Douglas Stone, Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

“Saying “I’d like you to pay more attention to me” is more likely to produce a conversation (and a satisfying outcome) than “Is it impossible for you to focus on me just once?”
― Douglas Stone, Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

“This illustrates an important rule about inquiry: If you don’t have a question, don’t ask a question. Never dress up an assertion as a question. Doing so creates confusion and resentment, because such questions are inevitably heard as sarcastic and sometimes mean-spirited.”
― Douglas Stone, Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

“The heading says it all: inquire to learn. And only to learn. You can tell whether a question will help the conversation or hurt it by thinking about why you asked it. The only good answer is “To learn.”
― Douglas Stone, Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

“In addition to the stance of curiosity, there are three primary skills that good listeners employ: inquiry, paraphrasing, and acknowledgment.”
― Douglas Stone, Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

“Listening is only powerful and effective if it is authentic. Authenticity means that you are listening because you are curious and because you care, not just because you are supposed to. The issue, then, is this: Are you curious? Do you care?”
― Douglas Stone, Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

“If the block to their listening is that they don’t feel heard, then the way to remove that block is by helping them feel heard – by bending over backwards to listen to what they have to say, and perhaps most important, by demonstrating that you understand what they are saying and how they are feeling.”
― Douglas Stone, Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

“What to Talk About Explore where each story comes from “My reactions here probably have a lot to do with my experiences in a previous job. . . .” Share the impact on you “I don’t know whether you intended this, but I felt extremely uncomfortable when . . . .” Take responsibility for your contribution “There are a number of things I’ve done that have made this situation harder. . . .” Describe feelings “I’m anxious about bringing this up, but at the same time, it’s important to me that we talk about it. . . .” Reflect on the identity issues “I think the reason this subject hooks me is that I don’t like thinking of myself as someone who . . . .”
― Douglas Stone, Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

“I definitely get the sense that you don’t like discussing your schedule, at least not the way I bring it up. The problem for me is that I feel worried and I would like to share why in a way that’s helpful. I don’t seem to know how to do that, and I was wondering if you had any advice.”
― Douglas Stone, Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

“I’d like to explore whether a raise for me might make sense. From the information I have, I think I deserve one. [Here’s my reasoning.] I wonder how you see it?”
― Douglas Stone, Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

“Sometimes the most genuine thing you can do is share your internal struggle to cast them in a more positive role. You can say something like, “The story I’m telling in my head about what is going on is that you are being inconsiderate. At some level I know that’s unfair to you, and I need you to help me put things in better perspective. I need you to help me understand where you are coming from on this.”
― Douglas Stone, Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

“Can you help me understand . . . ?” you offer the role of advisor. “Let’s work on how we might . . . .” invites a partnership. “I wonder whether it’s possible to . . . .” throws out a challenge, one which offers the other person the potential role of hero.”
― Douglas Stone, Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

“Think of the goal rather as “offering and discussing a possible description and purpose” for your conversation. In other words, the task of describing the problem and of setting purposes is itself a joint task.”
― Douglas Stone, Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

“I’ve described the problem in a way we can each accept. Now I want to propose mutual understanding and problem-solving as purposes, check to see if this makes sense to you, and invite you to join me in a conversation.”
― Douglas Stone, Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

“Most conversations can be initiated from the Third Story to include both perspectives and invite joint exploration.”
― Douglas Stone, Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

“You can begin from the Third Story by saying, “My sense is that you and I see this situation differently. I’d like to share how I’m seeing it, and learn more about how you’re seeing it.”
― Douglas Stone, Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

“These are the purposes that emerge from a learning stance, from working through the Three Conversations and shifting your internal orientation from certainty to curiosity, from debate to exploration, from simplicity to complexity, from “either/or” to “and.”
― Douglas Stone, Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

“Problem-Solving Together Given what you and the other person have each learned, what would improve the situation going forward? Can you brainstorm creative ways to satisfy both of your needs? Where your needs conflict, can you use equitable standards to ensure a fair and workable way to resolve the conflict?”
― Douglas Stone, Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

“Expressing Your Views and Feelings Your goal should be to express your views and feelings to your own satisfaction. You hope that the other person will understand what you are saying, and perhaps be moved by it, but you can’t count on that. What you can do is say, as well as you can, what is important for you to say about your views, intentions, contributions, feelings, and identity issues. You can share your story.”
― Douglas Stone, Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

“Learning Their Story Exploring the other person’s perspective takes us into each of the Three Conversations. What information do they see that we missed or don’t have access to? What past experiences influence them? What is their reasoning for why they did what they did? What were their intentions? How did our actions impact them? What do they think we are contributing to the problem? What are they feeling? What does this situation mean to them? How does it affect their identity? What’s at stake?”
― Douglas Stone, Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

“After observing O Sensei, the founder of Aikido, sparring with an accomplished fighter, a young student said to the master, “You never lose your balance. What is your secret?” “You are wrong,” O Sensei replied. “I am constantly losing my balance. My skill lies in my ability to regain it.”
― Douglas Stone, Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

“You can establish an evaluation-free zone by respecting the following guidelines: share pure feelings (without judgments, attributions, or blame); save problem-solving until later; and don’t monopolize.”
― Douglas Stone, Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

“You can preface their expression with an admission that you are uncomfortable with these feelings, or that you aren’t sure they make sense, but follow that preface by expressing them. Your purpose here is simply to get them out. You can decide what, if anything, to do about them later.”
― Douglas Stone, Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

“Too often we confuse being emotional with expressing emotions clearly.”
― Douglas Stone, Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

“Finally, we should consider the contribution system. Are we able to see our own contribution to the problem? Are we able to describe the other person’s contribution without blaming? Are we aware of the ways that each of our contributions forms a reinforcing pattern that magnifies the problem? In what way does this shift how we feel?”
― Douglas Stone, Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

“Next, we need to explore our assumptions about the other person’s intentions. To what extent are our feelings based on an untested assumption about their intentions? Might the other person have acted unintentionally, or from multiple and conflicting intentions? How does our view of their intentions affect how we feel? And what about our own intentions? What was motivating us? How might our actions have impacted them? Does that change how we feel?”
― Douglas Stone, Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

“What is the story we are telling ourselves that is giving rise to how we feel? What is our story missing? What might the other person’s story be? Almost”
― Douglas Stone, Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most