Supercommunicators Quotes

“In these kinds of conversations, facts are less persuasive. If someone says something about their feelings, their partner doesn’t start debating with them. Instead, they sympathize, laugh, share a sense of outrage or pride. In general, in these kinds of discussions, we make decisions not by analyzing costs and benefits, but instead by looking to our past experiences and asking ourselves, “What does someone like me usually do in a situation like this?” We are applying what psychologists call the logic of similarities. This kind of logic is important because, without it, we wouldn’t feel much compassion when someone describes sadness or disappointment, or know how to defuse a tense situation, or tell if someone is serious or kidding. This logic tells us when to empathize.”
― Charles Duhigg, Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection

“The What’s This Really About? conversation is a negotiation—only the goal is not to win, but to help everyone agree on the topics we’ll discuss, and how we’ll make decisions together.”
― Charles Duhigg, Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection

“The challenge is not to eliminate conflict,” Fisher wrote in Getting to Yes, “but to transform it.”
― Charles Duhigg, Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection

“For instance, negotiators often conduct experiments—first I’ll interrupt you, and then I’ll be polite, and then I’ll bring up a new topic or make an unexpected concession, and watch what you do—until everyone decides, together, which norms are accepted, and how this conversation should unfold. These experiments can take the form of proposals or solutions, or unanticipated suggestions or new topics that are suddenly introduced. In each case, the goal is the same: To see if this probe reveals a path forward. “Great negotiators are artists,” said Michele Gelfand, a professor at Stanford’s business school. “They take conversations in unexpected directions.”
― Charles Duhigg, Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection

“first part of the What’s This Really About? conversation: Figuring out what everyone wants. But there’s also a second part to What’s This Really About?: Determining how we will talk to one another and cooperate in making decisions. There are lots of decisions that occur during every conversation, ranging from the unimportant (Will we interrupt each other?) to the crucial (“Should we send this man to jail?”). So, amid our negotiation, we must also figure out how we will make choices together.”
― Charles Duhigg, Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection

“Are we obligated, as a jury, to follow the letter of the law and find him guilty? Or are we obligated, as a jury, to use our special level of conscience?”
― Charles Duhigg, Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection

“This explained why Ehdaie had failed to communicate with so many patients over the years: He hadn’t been asking the right questions. He hadn’t been asking about their needs and desires, what they wanted from this conversation. He had assumed he already knew. And because he hadn’t bothered to figure out what mattered, he had deluged patients with information they didn’t care about. He resolved to change how he communicated, to stop lecturing and start asking better questions, to begin having proper dialogues.”
― Charles Duhigg, Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection

“But once we know what everyone wants from a conversation, and how we’ll make decisions together, a more meaningful dialogue can emerge.”
― Charles Duhigg, Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection

“How do we create a genuine connection with another person? How do we nudge someone, through a conversation, to take a risk, embrace an adventure, accept a job, or go on a date?”
― Charles Duhigg, Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection

“They have learned how to hear what’s unsaid and speak so others want to listen.”
― Charles Duhigg, Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection

“But if we know how to sit down together, listen to each other and, even if we can’t resolve every disagreement, find ways to hear one another and say what is needed, we can coexist and thrive.”
― Charles Duhigg, Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection

“We don’t need clearer roles. We need to do a better job of respecting each other.” They wanted to talk about how people were treating one another, but I was obsessed with practical fixes. They had told me they needed empathy, but rather than listen, I replied with solutions.”
― Charles Duhigg, Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection

“They have determined that how we ask a question sometimes matters more than what we ask. We’re better off, it seems, acknowledging social differences, rather than pretending they don’t exist. Every discussion is influenced by emotions, no matter how rational the topic at hand. When starting a dialogue, it helps to think of the discussion as a negotiation where the prize is figuring out what everyone wants. And, above all, the most important goal of any conversation is to connect.”
― Charles Duhigg, Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection

“Whenever someone said something emotional—even when they didn’t realize their emotions were on display—Felix had reciprocated by voicing feelings of his own. All those small choices they had made, he explained, had created an atmosphere of trust.”
― Charles Duhigg, Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection

“He explained that one reason she felt so at ease was likely because of the environment they had created together, how Felix had listened closely, had asked questions that drew out people’s vulnerabilities, how they had all revealed meaningful details about themselves.”
― Charles Duhigg, Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection

“Ask lots of questions, and, when someone becomes emotional, cry or laugh or complain or celebrate with them. But what ultimately made him so good at his job was a bit of a mystery, even to his colleagues.”
― Charles Duhigg, Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection

“which was unusual, because the conversation inevitably revealed all kinds of opinions or experiences or friends you shared—it felt as if he heard you, like you had some kind of bond.”
― Charles Duhigg, Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection

“High centrality participants tended to ask ten to twenty times as many questions as other participants.”
― Charles Duhigg, Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection

“But what’s important is wanting to connect, wanting to understand someone, wanting to have a deep conversation, even when it is hard and scary, or when it would be so much easier to walk away. There are skills and insights that can help us satisfy that desire for connection, and they are worth learning, practicing, and committing to. Because whether we call it love, or friendship, or simply having a great conversation, achieving connection—authentic, meaningful connection—is the most important thing in life.”
― Charles Duhigg, Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection

“Good relationships keep us healthier and happier.” And, in many instances, those relationships were established, and kept alive, via long and intimate discussions. This central finding has been replicated in hundreds of other studies over the past few decades. “We now have robust evidence indicating that being socially connected has a powerful influence on longevity, such that having more and better relationships is associated with protection and, conversely, that having fewer and poorer relationships is associated with risk,” reads one paper published in 2018 in the Annual Review of Psychology. Another study, published in 2016, examined dozens of biomarkers of health, and found that “a higher degree of social integration was associated with lower risk” of illness and death at every stage of life. Social isolation, the researchers wrote, was more dangerous than diabetes and a host of other chronic diseases. Put differently, connecting with others can make us healthier, happier, and more content. Conversations can change our brains, bodies, and how we experience the world.”
― Charles Duhigg, Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection

“In fact, there was only one method the Arons tested that could reliably help strangers form a connection: A series of thirty-six questions that, as Elaine and Arthur Aron later wrote, elicited “sustained, escalating, reciprocal, personalistic self-disclosure.” These questions eventually became known as the Fast Friends Procedure, and grew famous among sociologists, psychologists, and readers of articles with headlines such as “The 36 Questions That Lead to Love.”[*1]”
― Charles Duhigg, Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection

“On the other hand, people who had not invested in relationships—who had prioritized their careers over families and friends or had struggled to connect for other reasons—were mostly miserable.”
― Charles Duhigg, Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection

“Having loving parents made it easier to find happiness as an adult.”
― Charles Duhigg, Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection

“session lasted only sixty minutes. The questions had been selected ahead of time by the researchers, and they ranged from the frivolous (“When did you last sing to yourself?”) to the profound (“If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone?”). Afterward, each pair of participants went their separate ways; no one was instructed to stay in touch. However, when researchers followed up seven weeks later, they found that 57 percent of them had sought out their conversational partner in the days and”
― Charles Duhigg, Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection

“Looping for understanding, until you understand what someone is feeling.


Looking for what someone needs: Do they want comfort? Empathy? Advice? Tough love? (If you don’t know the answer, loop more.)


Asking permission. “Would it be okay if I told you how your words affect me?” or “Would you mind if I shared something from my own life?” or “Can I share how I’ve seen others handle this?”


Giving something in return. This can be as simple as describing how you feel: “It makes me sad to hear you’re in pain,” or “I’m so happy for you,” or “I’m proud to be your friend.”
― Charles Duhigg, Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection

“A deep question asks about someone’s values, beliefs, judgments, or experiences—rather than just facts. Don’t ask “Where do you work?” Instead, draw out feelings or experiences: “What’s the best part of your job?” (One 2021 study found a simple approach to generating deep questions: Before speaking, imagine you’re talking to a close friend. What question would you ask?)


A deep question asks people to talk about how they feel. Sometimes this is easy: “How do you feel about…?” Or, we can prompt people to describe specific emotions: “Did it make you happy when…?” Or ask someone to analyze a situation’s emotions: “Why do you think he got angry?” Or empathize: “How would you feel if that happened to you?”


Asking a deep question should feel like sharing. It should feel, a bit, like we’re revealing something about ourselves when we ask a deep question. This feeling might give us pause. But studies show people are nearly always happy to have been asked, and to have answered, a deep question.”
― Charles Duhigg, Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection

“However, emotional contagion must be triggered by something, and one of the most reliable triggers is vulnerability. We become more prone to emotional contagion when we hear someone else express—or when we reveal our own—deeply held beliefs and values, or when we describe past experiences that were meaningful to us, or when we expose something else that opens us to others’ judgments.”
― Charles Duhigg, Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection

“What do you hope to accomplish? What do you most want to say? What do you hope to learn? What do you think others hope to say and learn? If we have elucidated goals before a discussion, we’re more likely to achieve them. How will this conversation start? How will you ensure that everyone has a voice and feels they can participate? What is needed to draw everyone in? What obstacles might emerge? Will people get angry? Withdrawn? Will a hesitancy to say something controversial prevent us from saying what’s necessary? How can we make it safer for everyone to air their thoughts? When those obstacles appear, what’s the plan? Research shows that being preemptively aware of situations that make us anxious or fearful can lower the impact of those concerns. How will you calm yourself and others if the conversation gets tense, or encourage someone who has gone quiet to participate more? Finally, what are the benefits of this dialogue”
― Charles Duhigg, Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection

“When some Netflix employees accused their coworkers of being “oversensitive” or “not Netflix material,” it felt to the accused as if they were being forced into a group—petulant complainers—they abhorred, or were being excluded from a group—those prepared to succeed at Netflix—to which everyone wanted to belong. And when those who had been criticized responded by arguing that their critics’ comments came from a place of privilege and were themselves evidence of racial insensitivity, it felt to the critics like they had been lumped in with racists and bigots, which made them defensive in response. Identity threat isn’t”
― Charles Duhigg, Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection

“If a crystal ball could tell you the future, would you want to know?” “For what do you feel most grateful?” And “Can you describe a time you cried in front of another person?”
― Charles Duhigg, Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection