Supercommunicators Quotes

“Deep questions can be as light as “What would be your perfect day?” or as heavy as “What do you regret most?” Deep questions don’t always seem deep at first: “Tell me about your family” or “Why do you look so happy today?” are easy to ask—and can be deep because they invite others to explain what makes them proud or worried, joyful or excited.”
― Charles Duhigg, Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection

“Deep questions are particularly good at creating intimacy because they ask people to describe their beliefs, values, feelings, and experiences in ways that can reveal something vulnerable. And vulnerability sparks emotional contagion, which makes us more aligned.”
― Charles Duhigg, Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection

“Among happy couples, however, the desire for control emerged quite differently. Rather than trying to control the other person, happy couples tended to focus, instead, on controlling themselves, their environment, and the conflict itself.”
― Charles Duhigg, Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection

“The first one is that many discussions are actually three different conversations. There are practical, decision-making conversations that focus on What’s This Really About? There are emotional conversations, which ask How Do We Feel? And there are social conversations that explore Who Are We? We are often moving in and out of all three conversations as a dialogue unfolds. However, if we aren’t having the same kind of conversation as our partners, at the same moment, we’re unlikely to connect with each other.”
― Charles Duhigg, Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection

“When starting a dialogue, it helps to think of the discussion as a negotiation where the prize is figuring out what everyone wants.”
― Charles Duhigg, Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection

“The single biggest problem with communication,”2 said the playwright George Bernard Shaw, “is the illusion it has taken place.” But scientists have now unraveled many of the secrets of how successful conversations happen. They’ve learned that paying attention to someone’s body, alongside their voice, helps us hear them better. They have determined that how we ask a question sometimes matters more than what we ask.”
― Charles Duhigg, Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection

“He explained that one reason she felt so at ease was likely because of the environment they had created together, how Felix had listened closely, had asked questions that drew out people’s vulnerabilities, how they had all revealed meaningful details about themselves. Felix had encouraged the scientists to explain how they saw the world, and then had proven to them that he had heard what they were saying. Whenever someone said something emotional—even when they didn’t realize their emotions were on display—Felix had reciprocated by voicing feelings of his own. All those small choices they had made, he explained, had created an atmosphere of trust.”
― Charles Duhigg, Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection

“Numerous other researchers have also been fascinated by how we form connections. As Sievers began reading science journals, he learned that in 2012, scholars at the Max Planck Institute for Human Development in Germany had studied the brains of guitarists playing Scheidler’s Sonata in D Major. When the musicians played their guitars separately, with each person focused on their own musical score, their neural activity looked dissimilar. But when they segued into a duet, the electrical pulses within their craniums began to synchronize. To the researchers, it appeared as if the guitarists’ minds had merged. What’s more, that linkage often flowed through their bodies: They frequently began breathing at similar rates, their eyes dilated in tandem, their hearts began to beat in similar patterns. Frequently even the electrical impulses along their skin would synchronize. Then, when they stopped playing together—as their scores diverged or they veered into solos—the “between-brain synchronization disappeared completely,” the scientists wrote.”
― Charles Duhigg, Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection

“To communicate with someone, we must connect with them.”
― Charles Duhigg, Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection

“As the human rights activist Dorothy Thomas once wrote, “Peace is not the absence of conflict, but the ability to cope with it.”
― Charles Duhigg, Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection

“one prominent researcher, John Gottman: John M. Gottman, “Emotional Responsiveness in Marital Conversations,” Journal of Communication 32, no. 3 (1982): 108–20. There are many different reasons couples experience conflict and tension, and many ways to overcome them. Some are described here and in chapter 5. It is also worth noting that approaches to diagnosing and dealing with marital challenges are myriad. Gottman, himself, has written extensively about the “Four Horsemen” of communication issues that can harm relationships: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.”
― Charles Duhigg, Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection

“whether we call it love, or friendship, or simply having a great conversation, achieving connection—authentic, meaningful connection—is the most important thing in life.”
― Charles Duhigg, Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection

“The goal of looping isn’t parroting someone’s words, but rather distilling another person’s thoughts in your own language, showing them that you are working hard to see their perspective, and then repeating the process until everyone is aligned. There are two benefits to looping: First, it helps us make sure we’re hearing others. Second, it demonstrates we want to hear.”
― Charles Duhigg, Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection

“Combatants—be they arguing spouses or battling coworkers—have to determine why this fight has emerged and what is fueling it, as well as the stories they are all telling themselves about why this conflict persists. They need to work together to determine if there are any “zones of possible agreement,” and have to arrive at a mutual understanding about why this dispute matters, and what’s needed for it to end. This kind of understanding, alone, won’t guarantee peace. But without it, peace is impossible”
― Charles Duhigg, Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection

“Conflict, of course, has always been part of life. We argue in our marriages and friendships, at work and with our kids. Debate and dissent are part of democracy, domesticity, and every meaningful relationship. As the human rights activist Dorothy Thomas once wrote, “Peace is not the absence of conflict, but the ability to cope with it.”
― Charles Duhigg, Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection

“When we match or acknowledge another person’s mood and energy, we show them that we want to understand their emotional life. It’s a form of generosity that becomes empathy. It makes it easier to discuss How Do We Feel?”
― Charles Duhigg, Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection

“One of the reasons supercommunicators are so talented at picking up on how others feel is because they have a habit of noticing the energy in others’ gestures, the volume of their voices, how fast they are speaking, their cadence and affect. They pay attention to whether someone’s posture indicates they are feeling down, or if they are so excited they can barely contain it. Supercommunicators allow themselves to match that energy and mood, or at least acknowledge it, and thereby make it clear they want to align.”
― Charles Duhigg, Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection

“We exhibit emotional intelligence by showing people that we’ve heard their emotions—and the way we do that is by noticing, and then matching, their mood and energy. Mood and energy are nonlinguistic tools for creating emotional connection. When we match someone’s mood24 and energy, we are showing them that we want to align.”
― Charles Duhigg, Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection

“Emotional dialogues are vital because they help us figure out who we’re talking to, what’s going on inside their heads, what they value most.”
― Charles Duhigg, Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection

“There is a cost to changing one’s mind, Boly knows, an expense paid by our ego. But there is a benefit, as well: The esteem and self-respect that come from doing the right thing.”
― Charles Duhigg, Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection

“if we acknowledge someone else’s vulnerability, and become vulnerable in return, we build trust, understanding, and connection.”
― Charles Duhigg, Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection

“When someone says something and then laughs afterward—even if it wasn’t funny—it’s a hint they’re enjoying the conversation. When someone makes noises as they listen (“Yeah,” “Uh-huh,” “Interesting”), it’s a sign they’re engaged, what linguists call backchanneling. When someone asks follow-up questions (“What do you mean?” “Why do you think he said that?”), it’s a clue they’re interested, whereas statements that change the subject (“Let me ask you about this other thing”) are hints they’re ready to move on.”
― Charles Duhigg, Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection

“These two kinds of logic exist, side by side, within our brains.fn1 But they are often contradictory or mutually exclusive. So when we’re negotiating over how a conversation will unfold—how we’ll make choices together—one question we’re asking is: What kind of logic does everyone find persuasive?”
― Charles Duhigg, Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection

“during the most meaningful conversations, the best communicators focus on four basic rules that create a learning conversation:”
― Charles Duhigg, Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection

“The underlying mechanism that maintains closeness in marriage is symmetry,” one prominent researcher, John Gottman,29 wrote in the Journal of Communication. Happy couples “communicate agreement not with the speaker’s point of view or content, but with the speaker’s affect.” Happy couples ask each other more questions,30 repeat what the other person said, make tension-easing jokes, get serious together.”
― Charles Duhigg, Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection

“So, to become a supercommunicator, all we need to do is listen closely to what’s said and unsaid, ask the right questions, recognize and match others’ moods, and make our own feelings easy for others to perceive. Simple, right? Well, no, of course not. Each of those tasks is difficult on its own. Together, they can seem impossible.”
― Charles Duhigg, Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection

“High centrality participants tended to ask ten to twenty times as many questions as other participants. When a group got stuck, they made it easy for everyone to take a quick break by bringing up a new topic or interrupting an awkward silence with a joke.”
― Charles Duhigg, Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection

“Every meaningful conversation is made up of countless small choices. There are fleeting moments when the right question, or a vulnerable admission, or an empathetic word can completely change a dialogue. A silent laugh, a barely audible sigh, a friendly smile during a tense moment: Some people have learned to spot these opportunities, to detect what kind of discussion is occurring, to understand what others really want. They have learned how to hear what’s unsaid and speak so others want to listen.”
― Charles Duhigg, Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection

“Our goal, for the most meaningful discussions, should be to have a “learning conversation.” Specifically, we want to learn how the people around us see the world and help them understand our perspectives in turn.”
― Charles Duhigg, Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection

“When starting a dialogue, it helps to think of the discussion as a negotiation where the prize is figuring out what everyone wants. And, above all, the most important goal of any conversation is to connect.”
― Charles Duhigg, Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection