Jeremy Maddux > Recent Status Updates

'I gulped the warm ass of my beer and almost gagged. I don’t think koozies really work.'

I have similar convictions on the topic of koozies.

'Before I got down my front steps, another fucker parked in my driveway. I yelled for him to move his damn truck. He made stupid grunt sounds in some Mexican language I didn’t understand before shutting it off. His shirtless kid fell out, and his pregnant wife rolled out.' Love the way he words things.'

'I walked out the door with a beer loaded in my favorite koozie that says, “You can go to HELL cuz I’m going to DRUNKTOWN, USA!”'

'Home at last. It was time to DESTROY TWO THOUSAND YEARS OF CULTURE. I kept the lights off and flipped on my Spencer’s rotating party light ball thing so we could rock into the night. The stereo speakers blasted empty beer cans off my end tables. The girls jumped up on my couch and kicked the cans away before stripping off their tops and dancing to their reflections in my enormous TV.' Some guys have all the luck.

I'm going to call bullshit on one thing: If the city of Ildakar was covered by a barrier spell for hundreds of years, how did they not run out of supplies, food, space? The wildlife would have been cut off from its ecosystem. With everyone safe from violent deaths, their population would have skyrocketed as well.