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A Solivagant on the Inselberg
message 12151:
by
Hallie
(new)
Oct 16, 2018 08:22AM
Someone just texted me hi in WhatsApp.
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All I know is that it's a relative because they know my nickname, but I'm not sure who it is because I already have my aunts' numbers and they are the only ones who have mine.
Ooooh it's my cousin's wife! No problemo :D Although I'm not sure how to talk to her (or anyone for that matter), so......
I really care about you Hallie. I care so much about you you don't know how much I do.
I think we made good friendship from the start. And we are still good friends now.
![Jaxon(Jax)[They-He] | 4642 comments](https://images.gr-assets.com/users/1749715398p1/46156450.jpg)
Hallie wrote: "Well, I can actually."But Hallie, you know I wuv you so much
I haven't made proper friends when I was little and most people would be out of my league but you aren't one of those.
I would feel like most people would judge me for who I am. b
Hallie wrote: "Ooooh it's my cousin's wife! No problemo :D Although I'm not sure how to talk to her (or anyone for that matter), so......"Her profile had her eldest daughter's picture. Jeez I'm legit the stupidest person in the galaxy!
It's not that I care if people judge me it's the way they judge me.I fear death, death of animals, death of another being and any cause of death. Wonder why I'm a vegetarian?
I mean would you think I would eat something that just has been talking I don't think I would. I do get isolated from peers. And I am not great with social bonds or emotional bonds. Even though I'd probably think better that way.
It's hard for me to show my emotions and express that I hurt inside. I am just complicated to most people and they don't understand me. You see a happy person outside of me but inside It is a strange place.
I am scared of my future and I try to make sure I most of the present by understanding myself and right now I am still learning stuff myself. I am very intimidated of my surroundings and I am too cautious and I tend to overanalyse situations and I am terrified.
I don't know who cares for me and I'm not worried of people not caring for me. But I don't want to be alone in this world by myself. I am unsure if people are even telling the truth that they care about me. I get fragile and insecure and deep inside I need help from people. I don't want to be trapped from negative vibes. I want to be where positive vibes are.
Hey there! Guess what I stumbled upon!
So first of all, I haven't it all. I read the first page and then realised they were really old posts and skipped to this one.
U said u want to stop being self centred. Dont you think just getting ot over with like this is self centred?
U know Hallie, I may not have gone through what you have gone theough or whaever you're going through but everyone including me has gone through their fair share of anxiety,depression, anger, hate and all other things too. Think about those who have it worse than u.
Self-centredness is what how adolescence thrive.
U r talking about grades?When I was in 11th. There was a guy in 10th. There was a bus accident. He was severely injured. He's in coma. He is on ventilation. He broke all his insides. And he was a topper and the exams were like a week away. He had so many plans and his life has been on hold while all his other mates who were qay behind him in everything are now so forward in life. There was a girl who was my senior. She was my friend. She died in that accident too. Her head was all chipped off! She was doing her finals and was recently engaged to a guy. She died weeks before her marriage.
U wanna not feel it all? What makes u so damn sure that u won't feel anything after death?? Death isn't peaceful either. Sure we all die. That's not the thing we're talking about. But suicide is wrong. Whether u believe it's right or wrong is completely irrelevant. So is the fact that death is peaceful. How can u know?? No one knows. Maybe u don't believe in the afterlife or maybe u do. I hope u think about it. Believe is irrelevant when the truth is right in front of you.
Let's say you're right. It's peaceful and you'll finally be free but think about the tiny chance that u r wrong. There's no guarantee that u r right. Then what???
Aqsa wrote: "U wanna not feel it all? What makes u so damn sure that u won't feel anything after death?? Death isn't peaceful either. Sure we all die. That's not the thing we're talking about. But suicide is wr..."I think suicide is irrational.
I read the first page. My parents would have issues if I go to school an hour early. They definitely will and I don't mind. They care. I think ur parents do too but u don't see it that way. U refuse to see it that way. U refuse to notice the good and u better not keep doing it. Hallie I wish I were with u. In person. I wish. I know u r gonna counter text my logics. But don't. Just stop. Stop for a minute. Don't think about how u could prove me wrong but just let it in. Let us in Hallie. Agree with stuff with an open mind.
I think ur biggest enemy is you and no one else. One can be. U sure are ur enemy. Don't listen to your thoughts. Just let your friends and all those who care in. Let us help Hallie. N we can't help unless you're willing. I know u r blunt n you'll be strict but u don't have to. U can for once listen. Listen with the intent to think about it with an open heart.
Suicide is stupid selfish mean. Now don't say u r all those things.
I am my own nemesis. Seriously you think I had to get along with myself 24/7. God you will notice that me and another me constantly argue in our heads. (You don't want to know).
Suicide really is killing yourself. Killing your only chance too. I don't know if you believe in God. Do tell me. But even if u don't, it doesn't mean He doesn't exist. This world isn't an accident. No one n nothing is. Suicide is punishable. And besides u end ur life. Ruin the life of those who cared for you or tried to talk u out of it. And take away all those relations with u.
If no one really cares. Why do u have to be like them?? Show them u can be different.
It states that she is an atheist at the front page.
I wish we had to go back in time and make things better. Iwish we made things better now. I pray everyday that we should develop.
Now come here Hallie and talk!And stop thinking about suicide. Or I'll come n kill u myself! Just stop. How can u be such a pessimistic person???
Just go online today. Search about the victims of this world. See all that and then compare ur problems to theirs and see. Not everyone even has the option of suicide.
I cry every other day and there are hell like days constantly but I can't just suicide. If it was truly an escape maybe I would've but it's not. And I have to bigger than my own problems and I have to stop thinking if others care or not. I have to!!
I hope I am a good human and I want to be at place where I am a better place where god sends me.
Bismillah. I want to be a good human.
I know so many are atheist today and not to judge but how can one person be so damn stupid to not believe in God? That's beyond me. I'm not targeting you here Hallie. But seriously, half of the atheists haven't even had a proper research. Research of that kind takes years if it's truly done. Some don't believe in God because they are women n they don't like the fact that maybe men are given more freedom (they call it) and that men brought those religions or whatever. But if we woman don't like men being superior and we say that both should be equal then why do we insist that a women should've brought those religions. Idk. I'm drifting off the topic here but come on Hallie.
Rumell wrote: "Bismillah. I want to be a good human."Me too. And I'm not ready to die yet. I am not ready for the afterlife. I'll surely go to hell if I die today. I'm not scared of death but I am scared of not being prepared for it at all times.
I'll check on you soon. Reply in the meanwhile. As much as I'd love to stay here, I am not allowed lol. Gotta go.
Hallie, my sweet, sweet friend, I'm worried sick about you and I really care about you. I'm holding in my breath, hoping that you will get better. You have a lot of good people that care about you.Also Aqsa, just because people dont believe in God doesn't make them stupid.
I also need to go because I need to focus on my studies do this week I might not be around goodreads because I need to focus. I might pop up now and then however I really need to make sure I complete my revision and Goodreads is a distraction. I am now letting go of what happened in Goodreads and just worry about my work.
Aqsa wrote: "I know so many are atheist today and not to judge but how can one person be so damn stupid to not believe in God? That's beyond me. I'm not targeting you here Hallie. But seriously, half of the ath..."I dont believe in god because people push their views on others, not to mention I wouldnt fit in and it can be boring in my opinion, I'm agender, asexual, and panromantic and what people, mostly Christians, not all but it feels like a lot do, say is "Oh if you're not Cis and straight then you're going to hell" just wanted to put that out there
This is way too much for me to deal with right now with all the stuff going on, so I'll just reply in general.I admitted I was self-centred, and I know I will never change that. No, I don't want to be less selfish. I have reasons for that, as jejune as they may sound, hey, it's my life and my demeanour. So right now, one self-centred act will be enough to prevent a million others. That's where I'm want to start.
Oh, and yes, I am stupid, selfish and mean. All of it just fits. Care to differ? Come over to my place and say something, and when neither of my parents are around, I'll inevitably prove it. Or just tell my brother that it should be nice that he has a younger sister to boss around. He will say you're crazy and delusional, but you'll get what you came for anyway.
About the school thing, which was a year ago: I was in a different school during that time. It is literally five minutes away. Mum walked me (still does) there every single day except when she is sick or not in town. Also, that school was really safe. I mean it. There was actually very little bullying and it was just really safe, and my parents know that very well. Why? My brother attended the exact same school. They know the teachers, they know how the school works, and the school knows my parents. As a result, all my teachers liked me (thank you, stupid elder brother!), and most of the teachers knew me as his younger sister. There is nothing to worry about and they know it. Besides, remember that I've known these people for 17 years. And I know them better than they know me because I can predict their actions and reactions, and I know for sure that they won't give a damn about me in school. My house is so close to school that they didn't have to worry or care because I could be home within five minutes if anything happened. The only problem would be that my house isn't in the safest location, but my mum accompanies be everyday through that. Here's an example: there was a riot near the school, and they sent back everyone early. Parents came directly from work to pick their kids up as soon as they realized what was going on. But my mum wasn't there. I'm not saying she doesn't care at all because maybe she does (or doesn't), but she wasn't there. Another friend lives in the same neighbourhood, so the class told us to go together and be safe. When we went down, her dad was waiting for her, and when he saw me, he asked, "Why isn't your mother here?" I thought she probably didn't know or whatever. I went with them, and when we were about to reach my house, my mum came out all calm and smiled at her father and said, "I heard about the riot. But then I thought I'll just wait till the final bell rings." Are you seriously going to tell me that she actually even thought of the chance that people would beat me up or throw stones at me? Well, no matter what you say, the answer is no, because she is my mother and I was the one there staring at her and listening to her comments about the riot.
My point is not that they don't care at all (I have a small voice at the back of my head saying, 'You know you want to, but Aqsa won't let you'), but that you didn't get the entire incident that I wrote about that day right. It's not your fault, but it's compounded by a lot of other stuff which you don't know about, so that incident is not something you can use here.
But hey, counter answering is my only pathetic skill aside from eavesdropping and screwing up, so you can't take that away from me.
Oh wait, you'll kill me. Bring it on! Those vehicles on the road only almost do it but never get through with it.
And yes, I'm an atheist, and I may be stupid, but I don't think it's right to categorize all atheists as stupid. We could play the same words back as you and say that it's asinine to believe that God does exist and that those who do are stupid. However, I'm not going to say that because you are entitled to your opinion just as I am entitled to mine, and neither of us can change each others views and beliefs. I have my own reasons for finding the existence of God unbelievable, and you can't challenge those because you will never change my mind. It's my belief. While we are on the same topic, whilst you believe that God exists even if I don't, I come with the mindset that God does not exist even if you believe in him. So to me, God will never exist, so dropping the words 'God cares even if you don't believe in him' will not help this case whatsoever; the least it will do is piss me off.
Okay, something about how I know whether I will have peace after death. Candidly, I don't. But I don't care. My only intention is to stop being what I am here, right now, at this moment, and not what happens after I'm dead. In my belief, nothing really happens. I just die. That's it. That's all.
So problem here is I will never be convinced and stop trying to kill myself (the number of attempts are really piling up), so you might as well drop it. Thanks, though! It's sweet, but I'm too - due to lack of the right adjectives - I'm too Hallie to appreciate your efforts.
Edited to fix typo.
But it's like five in the morning and I'm still dizzy from yesterday, so I'm probably more choleric.
Okay, okay I confess! I slammed the door when no one was around because I was angry.
Oh, by the way, I nearly got to cut my hair while I was away. Nearly. Just nearly.
So guess I'm going as Hallie, the eternal ghost girl for Halloween again.
Me: I suck. I'm never writing again.5 minutes later.
Me: Oh my goodness! I have a brilliant idea for a poem/story/song! I should write it down.
After writing.
Me: This is trash! I should have never written it. I'm never writing again.
I'm sorry. I was kinda really mad at you last night. I just didn't want u to really go. I like the very last text u sent. You can do it over and over again.
I know I don't know half the things about you or what's been happening and I don't want you to give up so easily Hallie. Maybe you're not strong. But I hope you learn to be. Because yeah, no body cares. In the end no one is there. It's just you. So at least you should care. For yourself.
I haven't seen Reputation here for so long. I don't know if she's okay or not. I visit her profile ever other day hoping she'd come online. Can't help but wonder that maybe just maybe things might have been different if I or anyone else had some things differently.
I'm sorry you have to go through it at all. Maybe others suffer more but that doesn't mean that your suffering doesn't count. It does. And it's so good that you are still holding up one way or another. Maybe you are not as weak as you think.
I'm sorry if you hate me already but I can't always be the one saying that you have my best wishes and hugs and I hope you feel better. I just have to say more.
But still you can do it. You can still live.
No need to apologize. I don't blame you, really. If it helps put your mind to ease, I don't hate you. How could I? But I can't. I just can't. I give up too easily, and I know it's never the right thing to do, but I just give up.Also, I don't know who Reputation is, but fingers crossed that she's alright.
You could if you want to. It's a start to know you shouldn't give up. You know I don't think u really want to go. I think u want to be saved. We are all here for you Hallie. Only you. You know that right?I hope she is. Thanks❤❤
Do you want to try to do some other things? Maybe change your routine and give your mind a chance to think about some good stuff??What do u normally do all day? (Physically and mentally)
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Books mentioned in this topic
Kim Jiyoung, Born 1982 (other topics)Lore (other topics)
The Glass Menagerie (other topics)
The Great Gatsby (other topics)
Orlando (other topics)
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