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Codependency Quotes

Quotes tagged as "codependency" Showing 1-30 of 154
Sam Keen
“There are two questions a man must ask himself: The first is 'Where am I going?' and the second is 'Who will go with me?'

If you ever get these questions in the wrong order you are in trouble.”
Sam Keen, Fire in the Belly: On Being a Man

Melody Beattie
“Codependents are reactionaries. They overreact. They under-react. But rarely do they act. They react to the problems, pains, lives, and behaviors of others. They react to their own problems, pains, and behaviors.”
Melody Beattie, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

Melody Beattie
“Ever since people first existed, they have been doing all the things we label "codependent." They have worried themselves sick about other people. They have tried to help in ways that didn't help. They have said yes when they meant no. They have tried to make other people see things their way. They have bent over backwards avoiding hurting people's feelings and, in so doing, have hurt themselves. They have been afraid to trust their feelings. They have believed lies and then felt betrayed. They have wanted to get even and punish others. They have felt so angry they wanted to kill. They have struggled for their rights while other people said they didn't have any. They have worn sackcloth because they didn't believe they deserved silk.”
Melody Beattie, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

Sam Keen
“The psyche cannot tolerate a vacuum of love. In the severely abused or deprived child, pain, dis-ease, and violance rush in to fill the void. In the average person in our culture, who has been only "normally" deprived of touch, anxiety and an insatiable hunger for posessions replace the missing eros. The child lacking a sense of welcome, joyous belonging, gratuitous security, will learn to hoard the limited supply of affection. According to the law of psychic compensation, not being held leads to holding on, grasping, addiction, posessiveness. Gradually, things replace people as a source of pleasure and security. When the gift of belonging with is denied, the child learns that love means belongin to. To the degree we are arrested at this stage of development, the needy child will dominate our motivations. Other people and things (and there is fundamentally no difference) will be seen as existing solely for the purpose of "my" survival and satisfaction. "Mine" will become the most important word.”
Sam Keen, The Passionate Life: Stages of Loving

“Many of us live in denial of who we truly are because we fear losing someone or something-and there are times that if we don't rock the boat, too often the one we lose is ourselves...It feels good to be accepted, loved, and approved of by others, but often the membership fee to belong to that club is far too high of a price to pay.”
Dennis Merritt Jones

Melody Beattie
“We Are Lovable
Even if the most important person in your world rejects you, you are still real, and you are still okay.”
Melody Beattie, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

Beverly Engel
“If you live your life to please everyone else, you will continue to feel frustrated and powerless. This is because what others want may not be good for you. You are not being mean when you say NO to unreasonable demands or when you express your ideas, feelings, and opinions, even if they differ from those of others.”
Beverly Engel, The Nice Girl Syndrome: Stop Being Manipulated and Abused -- And Start Standing Up for Yourself

J. Kenner
“You’re what gives me strength. If I am what centers you, Nikki, then you are what anchors me. Every time I touch you, every time I bury myself deep inside you—Nikki, don’t you see?
You are the talisman of my life, and if I lose my grip on you, then I have lost myself.”
J. Kenner, Complete Me

Melody Beattie
“A codependent person is one who has let another person's behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person's behavior.”
Melody Beattie, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

Melody Beattie
“Once they have been affected---once "it" sets in---codependency takes on a life of its own. It is similar to catching pneumonia or picking up a destructive habit. Once you've got it, you've got it.

If you want to get rid of it, YOU have to do something to make it go away. It doesn't matter whose fault it is. Your codependency becomes your problem; solving your problems is your responsibility.”
Melody Beattie, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

P.A. Speers
“There's always something in it for the person who is allowing to be taken advantage of." Psychotherapist David in Type 1 Sociopath”
P.A. Speers, Type 1 Sociopath - When Difficult People Are More Than Just Difficult People

Melody Beattie
“Detachment is not a cold, hostile withdrawal; a resigned, despairing acceptance of anything life and people throw our way; a robotical walk through life oblivious to, and totally unaffected by people and problems; a Pollyanna-like ignorant bliss; a shirking of our true responsibilities to ourselves and others; a severing of our relationships. Nor is it a removal of our love and concern... Detachment is based on the premises that each person is responsible for himself, that we can't solve problems that aren't ours to solve, and that worrying doesn't help. We adopt a policy of keeping our hands off other people's responsibilities and tend to our own instead. If people have created some disasters for themselves, we allow them to face their own proverbial music. We allow people to be who they are. We give them the freedom to be responsible and to grow. And we give ourselves that same freedom. We live our own lives to the best of our ability. We strive to ascertain what it is we can change and what we cannot change. Then we stop trying to change things we can't. We do what we can to solve a problem, and then we stop fretting and stewing. If we cannot solve a problem and we have done what we could, we learn to live with, or in spite of, that problem. And we try to live happily — focusing heroically on what is good in our lives today, and feeling grateful for that. We learn the magical lesson that making the most of what we have turns it into more.
Detachment involves "present moment living" — living in the here and now. We allow life to happen instead of forcing and trying to control it. We relinquish regrets over the past and fears about the future. We make the most of each day.”
Melody Beattie, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

Rupi Kaur
“sometimes
i love you means
i want to love you

sometimes
i love you means
i’ll stay a little while longer

sometimes
i love you means
i’m not sure how to leave

sometimes
i love you means
i have nowhere else to go”
Rupi Kaur, Home Body

R.H. Sin
“i apologized
when you destroyed me
i held on
when i should’ve let go”
R.H. Sin, Algedonic

A.D. Aliwat
“The angel is nothing without the demon. Opposite sides of the same coin. The coins they lay on the eyes and mouths of the dead.”
A.D. Aliwat, In Limbo

Nina Renata Aron
“When I asked "How are you," she answered with a report on Lucia or her boyfriend, Jim, who was also intermittently in recovery. No, how are you, I wanted to say, but I thought the distinction would be lost on her.”
Nina Renata Aron, Good Morning, Destroyer of Men's Souls: A Memoir of Women, Addiction, and Love

Dana Arcuri
“False guilt is feeling guilty when one is not actually guilty. Genuine guilt is a result of wrongdoing. It is appropriate to feel guilty if we had done something wrong. However, false guilt is rooted in deception, denial, and dysfunction. It is directly connected to our destructive and codependent relationship with a narcissist.”
Dana Arcuri, Certified Trauma Recovery Coach, Soul Rescue: How to Break Free From Narcissistic Abuse & Heal Trauma

Olawale Daniel
“Stop pushing people into web development as if it is the only true career path. Instead, push people into computer science, programming, coding, etc. There is so much competition because everyone is doing it, you just create a lot of demoralized and disgruntled people. There is more to programming than web development.”
Olawale Daniel

Kristin Hannah
“She was afraid that if she really held on to him, she'd never let go. She had to be cautious from now on, treat him as she would a skittish cat; be careful to never move too fast or need too much.”
Kristin Hannah, The Four Winds

“What happens when you hit your daughter.

First, she will bond to you out of fear, mistakenly thinking she has done something wrong, and if she can just manage to not do it again or somehow please you, you might not hit her or anyone else anymore. She will even think you will love her properly if she can earn your approval. She won't realize this is impossible. Then she will either do that with every man she comes within 100 feet of for the rest of her life or until she learns not to - this will take much doing - or she will despise them with such vehemence that she can barely stomach one around. Sometimes she will do a combination of both of those things, working herself into a pattern of push and pull - I love you, I hate you, I need you, I don't need anyone - that will drive her a little crazy. She won't understand at first, if ever, why she only attracts other masochists.

Whatever numbing agent she's picked for herself - she will probably try drugs, drink too much alcohol, starve herself or binge and purge, maybe cut herself, act out sexually - in fact, she may do all of those things - that continues to help kill her spirit and dulls her enough to keep her participating in living like a maniac will be consumed to varying degrees depending on need.

She will be more likely to commit suicide than if you hadn't abused her.

She will give herself away and will mistake admiration and infatuation and sometimes even abuse for love.”
Allison Moorer, Blood: A Memoir

Grace W. Wroldson
“Sure, you love him. . . but is it time to love yourself MORE!?”
Grace W. Wroldson, So You Love an . . . Alcoholic?: Lessons for a Codependent

“Indeed, many relationships identified as “codependent” do involve pride, not low self-worth or a deficiency of selflove. An underlying lie of people married to drunks and other “losers” may be their own sense of mastery and self-confidence in being able to change others through their own wonderful goodness and love. They may have excessive belief in their own ability to help another person, or they may think that others will change just because of being married to them. They may also have high expectations of the spouse being forever grateful for being rescued by such an excellent partner. Then when their heroic efforts fail, they may cast blame onto themselves as well as their spouses, parents, or whomever else might be in the picture. They may then experience feelings of hopelessness about themselves and their circumstances. They may be filled with self-pity and be dissatisfied with themselves. But that is not true self-hatred. That is self-love that does not want to suffer.”
Martin Bobgan, 12 Steps to Destruction: Codependecy/Recovery Heresies

“Victory in codependency/recovery thus sounds like this:

'As I changed, all hell broke loose in my marriage . . . My husband and I began to fight a lot. My changes threatened him. I kept getting better, but the healthier I got, the worse it got at home. . . . I consider filing for divorce a real triumph in my recovery.”
Martin Bobgan, 12 Steps to Destruction: Codependecy/Recovery Heresies

“An example of making this delineation of responsibility, outside the realm of codependency, is when a person witnesses for Christ and shares the Gospel with an unbeliever. While the Christian is responsible to the Lord, he is not responsible for the unbeliever's response to the gospel. That is between God and the unbeliever. If the Christian who testifies for the Lord without apparent results thinks it's his fault the listener is not converted, he is limiting the sovereignty of God and taking responsibility beyond his capability. Likewise if a spouse or friend assumes responsibility beyond what God has given, he is operating outside his own area of obedience to the Lord. When that happens, he may tend to discontinue obeying God, since he is unsuccessful in accomplishing the responsibility given to others.”
Martin Bobgan, 12 Steps to Destruction: Codependecy/Recovery Heresies

“Codependent writers attempt to help people shift their focus and effort from other people to self. This merely exchanges one form of idolatry for another because whoever or whatever is the unbiblical focus of one's life is that person's idol.”
Martin Bobgan, 12 Steps to Destruction: Codependecy/Recovery Heresies

“Often what we may consider to be sins against ourselves are actually sins against God. For instance, when we condemn ourselves we are playing god. When we worry and fret we are not trusting Him - and that is sinning against God, not against ourselves. Therefore, those are sins against God for Him to forgive.”
Martin Bobgan, 12 Steps to Destruction: Codependecy/Recovery Heresies

Jennifer Elizabeth Moore
“Codependency doesn’t acknowledge that we actually feel what others are experiencing and want it to stop because it hurts us too. Empaths as a group tend to be caretakers because we feel relief when we help others to find relief. We sense distress and feel drawn to help. When we alleviate discomfort, we feel better too. Of course we want to do this. It makes so much more sense when you recognize that the reason you, as an empath, want to help, fix, and change other people is because you feel their feelings so intensely.”
Jennifer Elizabeth Moore, Empathic Mastery: A 5-Step System to Go from Emotional Hot Mess to Thriving Success

“Why drink from another's well?
When you have your own
Inner-ocean?”
Jallaludin Rumi

Erich Fromm
“As with all semantic difficulties, the answer can only be arbitrary. What matters is that we know what kind of union we are talking about when we speak of love. Do we refer to love as the mature answer to the problem of existence, or do we speak of those immature forms of love which may be called symbiotic union?”
Erich Fromm, The Art of Loving

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