Pgils > Pgils's Quotes

“Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.”
― Groucho Marx, The Essential Groucho: Writings For By And About Groucho Marx

“When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, "Why god? Why me?" and the thundering voice of God answered, There's just something about you that pisses me off.”
― Stephen King, Storm of the Century

“You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named "Bush", "Dick", and "Colin." Need I say more?”
― Chris Rock

“Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time!

But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He's all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can't handle money!”
― George Carlin

“Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well.”
― Mark Twain

“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.”
― Jim Henson

“Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away.”
― Paul Terry

“I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.”
― Douglas Adams, The Salmon of Doubt: Hitchhiking the Galaxy One Last Time

“Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.”
― Robert A. Heinlein

“The story so far:
In the beginning the Universe was created.
This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.”
― Douglas Adams, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe

“Reality continues to ruin my life.”
― Bill Watterson, The Complete Calvin and Hobbes

“The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering from a mental illness. Look at your 3 best friends. If they're ok, then it's you.”
― Rita Mae Brown

“I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. ”
― W.C. Fields

“I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.”
― Jerome K. Jerome

“You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.”
― Pat Monahan

“See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.”
― Robin Williams

“Just because you're beautiful and perfect, it's made you conceited.”
― William Goldman, The Princess Bride

“Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.”
― Dorothy Parker

“Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.”
― Mae West

“No good deed goes unpunished.”
― Oscar Wilde

“The capacity for friendship is God's way of apologizing for our families.”
― Jay McInerney, The Last of the Savages

“Today was good. Today was fun. Tomorrow is another one.”
― Dr. Seuss

“Everyone looks retarded once you set your mind to it.”
― David Sedaris

“If you love something set it free, but don't be surprised if it comes back with herpes.”
― Chuck Palahniuk

“Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.”
― Jon Stewart

“So be sure when you step, Step with care and great tact. And remember that life's A Great Balancing Act. And will you succeed? Yes! You will, indeed! (98 and ¾ percent guaranteed) Kid, you'll move mountains.”
― Dr. Seuss, Oh, the Places You'll Go!

“I'll try anything once, twice if I like it, three times to make sure.”
― Mae West

“Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.”
― Jerry Seinfeld

“Did you ever want to set someone's head on fire, just to see what it looked like? Did you ever stand in the street and think to yourself, I could make that nun go blind just by giving her a kiss? Did you ever lay out plans for stitching babies and stray cats into a Perfect New Human? Did you ever stand naked surrounded by people who want your gleaming sperm, squirting frankincense, soma and testosterone from every pore? If so, then you're the bastard who stole my drugs Friday night. And I'll find you. Oh, yes.”
― Warren Ellis, Transmetropolitan, Vol. 5: Lonely City

“Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.”
― George Carlin