Mark Jackman > Mark's Quotes

“The Butcher of Babylon featured in over 500 porn films between 1974 and 1982, and was best known for his motto: Come for the butcher, stay for the meat.”
― Mark Jackman, Shadow of the Badger

“He had been inspired to start a career in the porn industry after reading the incredible tale of a Japanese man who avenged the death of his sister by going down on her best friend for seven days and seven nights.”
― Mark Jackman, Shadow of the Badger

“His only real financial failure came at the age of thirteen when, in an uncharacteristic error of judgement, he invested £200,000 of his own savings in wooden socks, an invention that never caught on as he had hoped.”
― Mark Jackman, Shadow of the Badger

“If a wizard should take up residence in your garden and requests food, you are obliged to feed him.”
― Mark Jackman, Shadow of the Badger

“Suddenly, a voice called from the darkness. Taylor leapt like a salmon, then became rooted to the spot like a tin of salmon.”
― Mark Jackman, Shadow of the Badger

“The hamster-powered hat is the same as any other hat. It keeps your head warm and looks smart,” the inventor said. “The hamster generates heat by running on the wheel. If you get a big enough hamster, it will keep your whole face warm.”
― Mark Jackman, There's Something About Dying

“Many great people had been considered to be boring, like Nigel Mansell, but anyone who had read the racing driver’s autobiography, "Clutch Down, Dick Out", would know that perception was way off the mark.”
― Mark Jackman, There's Something About Dying

“Probably your biggest mistake was doing funk-dance to Unchained Melody,” the dog offered earnestly. “It’s a ballad, Alf, and to be honest, it’s one of the slowest songs I can think of. You’d have been better off doing a slow waltz to something with that tempo. The other factor may have been the large amount of beer you consumed beforehand.”
― Mark Jackman, There's Something About Dying

“My mortgage isn’t getting any cheaper and I can’t run that Ferrari on faith alone," Reverend Jones said. "Don’t get me wrong, the Big Man upstairs does what he can but I’ve never once seen him filling up the tank of my car.”
― Mark Jackman, There's Something About Dying

“Eagles, buffalos and deserts vast,
it’s no good living in the fucking past.”
― Mark Jackman, There's Something About Dying

“Ted was a superstar of the dog food tasting industry. He brought dog food up to a standard that is equal to or better than dishes you’ll find in most 5 star restaurants. He was one of the biggest reasons why today’s dogs become so excited when dinner time comes around.”
― Simon Jackman, Trouble Comes in Threes

“The tennis coach slowly moved his fingers towards his friend’s arsehole and shakily circled the rim as instructed.
“Anything abnormal there?”
“It’s hairy,” Butcher complained.
“It is very hairy,” the doctor agreed. “But, although an arsehole that hairy is undoubtedly unusual, it’s not technically an abnormality.”
― Simon Jackman

“That’s a nice car you’ve got outside,” he remarked.
“1979 Ford Thunderbird lowrider. It used to belong to Ice-T. I like my cars like my breasts,” Betty replied. “Low slung.”
― Simon Jackman, Death By Lettuce