Susan Toastgal > Susan's Quotes

“Is that a bulletproof vest? See, now that's so insulting. That's like saying I'm not smart enough to shoot you in the head."
Eddie DeChooch”
― Janet Evanovich, Seven Up

“My professional aspirations were simple - I wanted to be an intergalactic princess.”
― Janet Evanovich

“I make lots of mistakes. I try hard not to make the same mistake more than three or four times.”
― Janet Evanovich, Three to Get Deadly

“Only men you can count on these days are Ben and Jerry.”
― Janet Evanovich

“I'm telling you, it's fu**ing hard to be classy”
― Janet Evanovich, One for the Money

“In my opinion, the only good spider is a dead spider, and women's rights aren't worth dick if they mean I can't ask a man to do my bug squashing.”
― Janet Evanovich, One for the Money

“I'd bitch slap the devil for you.”
― Janet Evanovich

“He [Ranger] stopped in front of my parents' house, and we both looked to the door. My mother and my grandmother were standing there, watching us.
"I'm not sure I feel comfortable about the way your grandma looks at me," Ranger said.
[Stephanie] "She wants to see you naked."
"I wish you hadn't told me that, babe."
"Everyone I know wants to see you naked."
"And you?"
"Never crossed my mind." I held my breath when I said it, and I hoped God wouldn't stike me down dead for lying.”
― Janet Evanovich, Hard Eight

“How many times have I told you not to hit people in the face. You kick them in the body where it doesn't show.”
― Janet Evanovich, High Five

“I wasn't dating anyone. I was fornicating with Batman.”
― Janet Evanovich, Hard Eight

“Here's a basic difference between Morelli and me. My first thought was always of cake. His first thought was always of sex. Don't get me wrong. I like sex . . . a lot. But it's never going to replace cake.”
― Janet Evanovich, Eleven on Top

“Truth is, I think naked men are kind of strange looking what with their doodles and ding-dong hanging loose like they do. Nevertheless, there's the curiosity thing. I guess it's another one of those car crash experiences, where you feel compelled to look even if you know you'll be horrified.”
― Janet Evanovich, Seven Up

“One of us should stop her," Ranger said to Morelli, his eyes fixed on me.
"Not going to be me," Morelli said. "Have you ever tried to stop her from doing something she wanted to do?"
"Haven't had much success at it," Ranger said.
Morelli rocked on his heels. "One thing I've learned about Stephanie over the years, she's not good at taking orders."
"Has authority issues," Ranger said.
"And if you piss her off, she'll get even. She ran me over with her father's Buick once and broke my leg."
That got a small smile out of Ranger.
"Nice to see you boys bonding," I said.”
― Janet Evanovich, Twelve Sharp

“I need to look like an idiot at least twice a day to keep myself humble.”
― Janet Evanovich, Twelve Sharp

“Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.”
― Janet Evanovich, Hard Eight

“Is there anything else you need from me?" Ranger asked.

"Not right now."

"There will come a time," Ranger said. "Let me know when." And he disconnected.

I opened the freezer and stuck my head in to cool off. If there'd been any more innuendo in that conversation, I could have fried an egg on my forehead.”
― Janet Evanovich

“Happens to me all the time...People are always underestimating my dumbness.”
― Janet Evanovich, Motor Mouth

“I don't have a lot of domestic instincts," Ranger said to me, his attention fixing on the unidentifiable glob in my hair, "but I have a real strong urge to take you home and hose you down."
I went dry mouth. Connie bit into her lower lip, and Lula fanned herself with a file.”
― Janet Evanovich, Eleven on Top

“Babe," Ranger said. "You're looking a little strung out. Is there anything I should know?"
I'm on a sugar withdrawal. I've given up desert and it's all I can think about." That had been true five minutes ago. Now that Ranger was standng in front of me I was thinking a cupcake wasn't what I actually needed.
Maybe I can help you get your mind off doughnuts," Ranger said.
My mouth dropped open, and I think some drool might have dribbled out.”
― Janet Evanovich

“I'm sorry about your Porsche."

"I can replace the Porsche. I can't replace you. You need to be more careful."

I was just sitting in your car!"

Babe, you're a magnet for disaster.”
― Janet Evanovich, Eleven on Top

“Truth is, I'm a good Catholic girl. The faith has always been elusive, but the guilt is intractable. ”
― Janet Evanovich, Plum Spooky

“Then I had to decide if I needed to wear shoes that kicked ass or were good for ass kicking, on account of there's a difference you know. ~ Finger Lickin' Fifteen”
― Janet Evanovich

“This is war,' I yelled through the door.
Lucky for me,' Morelli said. 'I give good war.”
― Janet Evanovich, Two for the Dough

“I looked over at him. "Is that a proposal?"

There was total silence for a couple beats. "I'm not sure. It just popped out."

"Let me know when you're sure."

"Would you say yes?" Morelli asked.

"I'm not sure.”
― Janet Evanovich, Fearless Fourteen

“Babe, you've destroyed a car, burned down two buildings, stapled a guy's nuts, and you have sixteen stitches in your leg. Take a night off. Have a glass of wine, watch some television, and go to bed early."
-Ranger”
― Janet Evanovich, Lean Mean Thirteen

“Lula had Eminem cranked up. He was rapping about trailer park girls and how they go round the outside, and I was wondering what the heck that meant. I'm a white girl from Trenton. I don't know these things. I need a rap
cheat sheet.”
― Janet Evanovich, To the Nines

“I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, And that enables you to laugh at life's realities.”
― Dr. Seuss

“Let's be reasonable and add an eighth day to the week that is devoted exclusively to reading.”
― Lena Dunham

“Guys warning girls not to fall in love with them is so truly douchey that it should have a higher success rate.”
― Lena Dunham

“I just don't want to be around people who don't hate everything in their life right now.”
― Lena Dunham