Jeff Mach > Jeff's Quotes

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#1

“It’s a little-known fact, but Unicorns are something like 20% paint, and their horns are stolen exclusively from endangered species.”
― Jeff Mach, There and Never, Ever Back Again: Diary of a Dark Lord

tags: fantasy-humor, humor, myths, unicorns

11 likes

#2

“Orcs live in caves. Goblins live in shadows. It's the pain of distance versus the pain of proximity.”
― Jeff Mach, There and Never, Ever Back Again: Diary of a Dark Lord

tags: dark-fantasy, goblins, orcs

8 likes

#3

“And sadly, fairytale kingdoms work poorly. It’s not just that they’re fairytales and thus not terribly real; we’ve seen stranger and more mythical attempts at leadership in our time. The problem is that Fairytales attract Good Faeries, and thus Bad Faeries; Evil Queens; Huntsmen, and, of course, The Grand Vizier. And all of those tend to lead to ruination.”
― Jeff Mach, There and Never, Ever Back Again: Diary of a Dark Lord

tags: fairytales, grand-vizier, rulership

10 likes

#4

“The person who has never considered “non servium” may have a fatal weakness in the legs. Train yourself to kneel instead of think, and you will not enjoy an opponent who knows how to stand.”
― Jeff Mach, There and Never, Ever Back Again: Diary of a Dark Lord

10 likes

#5

“I didn’t know this was where I’d end up, and if you try to tell me that the hurt, the pain, the personal choices, and the perseverance were all just part of someone else's plan, I'll laugh at you until I can barely breathe.”
― Jeff Mach, There and Never, Ever Back Again: Diary of a Dark Lord

10 likes

#6

“May you reign supreme but never unchallenged.”
― Jeff Mach, There and Never, Ever Back Again: Diary of a Dark Lord

tags: challenge, encouragement, power, reign, villainy

14 likes

#7

“And lo, at the moment when she needed it most, she found the force within her. She didn't find it in time to avoid having her head bitten off, but she sure did die enlightened.”
― Jeff Mach, There and Never, Ever Back Again: Diary of a Dark Lord

tags: die, enlightened, female-hero, force, funny, gore, humor

11 likes

#8

“Surety is a narcotic which masks the fact that you're dying. Losing it is a gift.”
― Jeff Mach, There and Never, Ever Back Again: Diary of a Dark Lord

tags: awakening, dying, loss, narcotic, reality, realization, surety, truth

9 likes

#9

“When I started out, all I knew was that I was not going to stay where I'd been. I was going to change. I was going to make my part of the world into something that I wanted–not wait, hope, or beg for the world to start to want me.”
― Jeff Mach, There and Never, Ever Back Again: Diary of a Dark Lord

tags: change, confidence, diy, empowerment, power, start, wait, want

11 likes

#10

“I am a product of the flames which burnt me; the anvil which forged me; and the will that made me grow formidable instead of breaking.”
― Jeff Mach, There and Never, Ever Back Again: Diary of a Dark Lord

tags: break, fire, forge, formidable, growth, live-in-the-moment, power, strength

13 likes

#11

“I don't make monsters.
Definitions make monsters.
You make definitions.”
― Jeff Mach, There and Never, Ever Back Again: Diary of a Dark Lord

tags: deciding, definitions, labels, making, monsters, names, self-worth, words

14 likes

#12

“Give me the ridiculous, because it's a gateway to the sublime.”
― Jeff Mach, There and Never, Ever Back Again: Diary of a Dark Lord

tags: believe, gateway, give-me-everything, go-for-it, i-want-it-all, ridiculous, sublime, try

10 likes

#13

“They hate being unable to control you.”
― Jeff Mach, There and Never, Ever Back Again: Diary of a Dark Lord

tags: control, empowerment, hero, individuality, power, society, villain

16 likes

#14

“I have a theory: A long time ago, someone cursed the trees with a touch of ambition.”
― Jeff Mach, There and Never, Ever Back Again: Diary of a Dark Lord

tags: ambition, consequences, growth, magic, magick, theory, trees

10 likes

#15

“The road to powerful magical items is paved with good intentions and hideous deathtraps.”
― Jeff Mach, There and Never, Ever Back Again: Diary of a Dark Lord

tags: danger, deathtrap, good-intentions, magic, magical-items, power

15 likes

#16

“First off, contrary to popular belief, I'm as human as you are. One of us should probably be ashamed of that. I'm not entirely sure that it's me.”
― Jeff Mach, There and Never, Ever Back Again: Diary of a Dark Lord

tags: belief, human, humanity, identity, label, presence, self-identity, shame

15 likes

#17

“Stories. They only belong to the people if the people demand to speak.”
― Jeff Mach, There and Never, Ever Back Again: Diary of a Dark Lord

tags: demand, empowerment, people, power, speak, speak-up, stories, voices

10 likes

#18

“I am a Namer.”
― Jeff Mach, There and Never, Ever Back Again: Diary of a Dark Lord

tags: control, decisions, i-am, identity, label, name, namer, power

10 likes

#19

“Dark Lords shatter destiny; it's what we do.”
― Jeff Mach, There and Never, Ever Back Again: Diary of a Dark Lord

tags: break, break-the-status-quo, dark-lord, destiny, shatter, what-we-do, you-had-one-job

14 likes

#20

“Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. True friends help you move the bodies of those who turned out not to have been friends to begin with.”
― Jeff Mach, There and Never, Ever Back Again: Diary of a Dark Lord

tags: bodies, dedication, friends, hide, lies, loyalty, reveal, trust, truth

13 likes

#21

“This is a lesson in creation: The first blood of blood magic is always your own.”
― Jeff Mach, There and Never, Ever Back Again: Diary of a Dark Lord

tags: blood, blood-magic, creation, dedication, lesson, magic, sacrifice

12 likes

#22

“How often must you be betrayed before you see that others are taking your kindness for weakness, your silence for an inability to speak?”
― Jeff Mach, There and Never, Ever Back Again: Diary of a Dark Lord

tags: betrayal, defeat, kindness, mistake, power, silence, speak-up, try, weakness

16 likes

#23

“I was imprisoned, and no-one freed me.
I cried for help, and no-one freed me.
Eventually, I shook off my chains and I returned.
They said, 'Why do you no longer love us?'
I said, 'I realized that you have always been my chains.”
― Jeff Mach, There and Never, Ever Back Again: Diary of a Dark Lord

tags: centuries, djinn, mythical, prison, progression, revenge, stories

13 likes

#24

“There's not a lot in this world as motivational as a firm belief in an unbending universal morality which just happens to place you on the side of the angels.”
― Jeff Mach, There and Never, Ever Back Again: Diary of a Dark Lord

tags: angels, belief, morality, motivation, taking-sides, the-right-side, universal-law

10 likes

#25

“Punching your companions is unhelpful. Go into the forest and practice unarmed combat against a tree.”
― Jeff Mach, There and Never, Ever Back Again: Diary of a Dark Lord

tags: aggravation, anger, companions, forest, practice, punching, tree, unarmed-combat

10 likes

#26

“Having finally come to the end of this narrative, Malcolm was left with two abiding impressions: first, that Fafner the dragon, instead of keeping his money under the mattress like everyone else, had kept his mattress under the money; second, that humanity generally gets the Gods it deserves.”
― Tom Holt, Expecting Someone Taller

tags: dragon, gods, mattress

3 likes

#27

“The enemy of my enemy is also my enemy. A dark lord has no friends.”
― Paul Dale , The Dark Lord's Handbook

tags: dark-lord, enemy, friendship

6 likes

#28

“The newly created Darth Vader flexes his Force-muscle as the Emperor's enforcer to maintain order and obedience in a galaxy reeling from civil war and the destruction of the Jedi Order. To the galaxy at large, Jedi Knight Anakin Skywalker - the Chosen One - died on Coruscant during the siege of the Jedi Temple. And, to some extent, the was true - Anakin was dead. But from the site of Anakin Skywalker's last stand - on the molten surface of the planet Mustafa, where he sought to destroy his friend and former master, Obi-Wan Kanobi - a fearsome spectre in black has risen. Once the most powerful Knight ever known to the Jedi order he is not a disciple of the dark side, a lord of the dreaded Sith, and the avenging right hand of the galaxy's ruthless new Emperor. Seduced, deranged and destroyed by the machinations of the Dark Lord Sidious, Anakin Skywalker is dead ... and Darth Vader lives ...”
― James Luceno

tags: dark-lord

10 likes

#29

“Burn the witch!” will always be a simpler option than, “Raise a very, very large army, cross the abysmal hells cape, battle an op- posing very, very large army, and try to figure out some way to kill the Dark Lord!” And it’s significantly more efficient to chant, as well.”
― Jeff Mach, There and Never, Ever Back Again: Diary of a Dark Lord

tags: dark-humor, dark-lord, humor, humorous-fantasy, witch-hunt

10 likes

#30

“The Chosen One is often told that failure is not an option. The Dark Lord knows that failure, like hurt and harm, is one not simply an option, but one of many companions. True power seldom comes without risk. Sufficient risk eventually results in harm. If you think you can trap a thousand demons and never have a single one break through your defenses and wreak havoc on your mind for a while—then you’ve likely never summoned any demons at all.”
― Jeff Mach, There and Never, Ever Back Again: Diary of a Dark Lord

tags: chosen-one, dark-lord, risk, true-power

8 likes

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