Patricia Barry

Patricia Barry asked:

This book is disgusting to me. I do not understand why an educated and worldly individual would have difficulty understanding the horrible and violent upbringing that she experienced. It is unbelievable to me that she could not understand the violent situation, yet uneducated upbringing she endured. I have completely misunderstood her manner of education in a life in our country, in this country, how is this possible?

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7 years ago
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Marsmannix Unless you have been raised in a closed, fundamentalist sytem, and i was in one for 26 years, (no matter what flavor: Islam, Hassidic, or differing flavors of Christian) you have no idea of the level of brainwashing, gaslighting, emotional abuse that goes on. Your very ability to perceive external reality is distorted through the lens of the system. Yes, it was horrible to read the abuse & how it was ratoinalized. Again, unless you've been in it, of course the outsider will shake their head and condemn the victim.

Barbara Ginsberg The reason why some of us read memoirs is to gain perspective and understanding of a different type of live than our own. This seems lost on you with this book. Perhaps read again with new eyes.

Steven What a strange question. How do you explain water to a fish if the fish has never been outside of it? If a child grows up on the mountainside and never attends school, how can the child have any idea what she is missing?

Susan Stemont Lots of people have weighed in on this already, but I feel I need to add that it can take years to process violent experiences, especially those that happen in childhood. When parents are involved, directly or passively, it can take an intense mental effort just to remember the events, and you're always arguing with yourself about whether it can possibly have happened. If you never had anything even remotely like Tara's experience, well thank God, you are very lucky. Your statement sounds like you are disgusted with her for not seeing though this sooner, but maybe that's not what you meant. If it is, please try not to judge those who have. Save your disgust for the people who hurt her. (Maybe that is your point, sorry if I read your comment incorrectly.)

Colette To whom are you referring when you state, "educated and worldly individual"? Have you read the book? Tara was certainly not educated and worldly, thus the world she knew to be normal was the life experience she had. She began her story from the perspective of the beginning of her life, her world.

Deb M. Patricia, I have a feeling you never grew up isolated and abused. This memoir is more than possible, it happens everyday. The challenge for those who grew up like Tara is the little piece that every abused child feels, it was my fault and I deserved it! She had to escape that life. She had to see and experience something different and finally she had to process all of it and grow.

Heidi You don't have to grow up mistreated and abused to have compassion upon those who have. The things we experience in our homes (and there is no perfectly functional home) are things that become a part of our worldview and our understanding of reality. That's simply the way human development works, the way that the young mind seeks to make sense of and interpret its setting and surroundings and relationships.
I find many people who are avid readers to also be compassionate people. I'm imagining you are still young, and that you will grow in compassion as you grow in relationships and expand your reading as well.

Elysia If abuse is all you know, you think it's normal. Think about what you are saying here: she wouldn't have an easy time understanding your upbringing that was probably free of violence and involved going to school.

What I feel is disgusting is that we allow children to be treated like this under the guise of religious freedom.

Duckyday Your statement reminds me of someone asking why I didn't fight back from a rape...when I did. Some lose anyway. Open your heart and mind to the FACT that you and others may have NOT had the same experiences and opportunities. You may not have been handed This in That way. This is not about you, apparently, but it IS about some One, if not Many. It is easier to judge from the outside. Like continued racism, sexism, and ageism, this IS real, and you missed that boat entirely.

Pam Carmichael I can't believe this book was disgusting to you, shame on you really??

Kris First of all, Tara's experience does happen in a very small population of Mormonism ... it's my guess that within all religions, there is a segment of the population that leans toward fundamentalism -- and this family was nothing if not fundamentalist. Don't forget -- Tara's father was most likely bipolar, and nobody got him the help that he needed. You add that father to a religion that has very subtle implications of female subservience to the male priesthood holders (so subtle that it's easy to deny by most mormon women who live in the city or suburbs), and you have a mother who denies the father's mental problems, and allows his violence -- and the brother's violence -- to continue. The lack of education has to do with fundamentalists who believe that schools are a breeding ground of immorality and radical ideas ... and where it's acceptable to feel compelled to homeschool your children to save them from such immorality -- and viola! You have Tara's family.

Wendy Truscott I think most of the commentators missed the point of your question. I understand it to be, “ Now that’s shes educated and “ worldly”, how can she not understand? I watched one interview and feel she so desperately wants reconciliation that she almost looks for excuses to soft-pedal the abuses in hindsight. Although, she certainly didn’t in writing her memoir. I hope I haven’t projected an inaccurate reading of her motives. I admire and applaud her for her bravery, honesty, and persistence.

Daina Fanning How did you come to the conclusion the author was “educated and worldly”? She knew her situation was violent - but it was the only world she knew. Have you no compassion?

Noah L Patricia- did you really read this book?? The entire jist of the book is that she, in fact, was not educated enough to understand so many of the issues in her life. From upbringing until she left to college Tara was neither educated or worldly.

From the last lines of the book, " The night I called her (her being the old Tara who hadn't went to college) and she didn't answer. She left me. She stayed in the mirror. The decisions I made after moment were not the ones she would have made. They were the choices of a changed person, a new self. You could call this new selfhood many things. Transformation. Metamorphosis. Falsity, Betrayal. I call it an education. "

Barbara I haven't read the book yet, but in my opinion those early, formative years of life, when one is too small to defend oneself or control his/her future, always remain with us. Memories may fade or be hidden under layers of new experiences, but they never completely disappear. Knowing things intellectually doesn't cancel out those early experiences and they continue to show up in small, sometimes insidious, ways. We can rise above them but they are always there.

Kyle The real question is, why in the hell is this idiotic statement highlighted?

Melanie It's called denial and PTSD.

Nicole I think you may need to re-read the book again, not through your prism of experience, but from the author's, as much as you possibly can. In the eyes of this country, the author did not EXIST for 9 years. She knew very little beyond the boundaries of the mountainside where she lived for nearly a dozen years. She received virtually no education. She had no frame of reference to compare and understand that the way her family lived is not the way most do. It was only through the help of her older brother, who saw how naturally intelligent she was, that she found a way out, and slowly received a formal education. She also acknowledges in the book during this transformation of also experiencing what sounds like a nervous breakdown and a sort of PTSD. Of going through years of therapy to try and piece together what happened to her and how to place some perspective around it.

And if you have any doubt that this can and does happen in this country, you may want to read up on David and Louise Turpen's dozen abused, malnourished and uneducated children, six of whom ranged in aged from 18-29 years old when they were released from their hell. Found smack dab in the middle of a California subdivision.

Kelly This question/comment is "disgusting" to me and seems to be written by an uneducated (and grammatically challenged) individual. Maybe English is not your first language, and you are having trouble expressing what is puzzling you, but your words are offensive (not to mention confusing) to the author and to the readers who actually understood and appreciated the book. If you are going to ask a question in the future, maybe you should have someone else check it first to make sure it actually makes sense!

Seeker While I was reading this book I also struggled with why she kept going back home even after she had some level of education and knew (at least intellectually) that her family was dysfunctional and emotionally even physically damaging. I concluded that this was her struggle between love and reason. Obviously she loves her family very much. She pointed out that not all of it was bad. That each of her relatives had good points that she could focus on. This is reality. Personally I think it is natural for children (of any age) to love their parents. Most of us want a relationship with our family enough to tolerate quite a lot of conflict. In retrospect it doesn't surpise me that it took Tara that long to walk away. I think she was right to first do everything in her power to reconcile with her family. Ultimately, of course, she was right to walk away.

Melanie Wow, talk about blaming the victim. And I think Tara shows time and time again that she does understand that her childhood was abusive. But with having no other experiences, it took until she went away to college to fully understand how different her family was.

Lisa Patricia, I'm a little speechless here. First, Tara was the opposite of educated and worldly. Did you read it? Second, I'm guessing the reason that her experience is unbelievable to you is because you didn't experience it. Thus the reason it is so valuable to learn of others' experiences through their writing. We gain new perspectives.

Robert It's rather juvenile to call things you don't understand disgusting.

Karen Tannenbaum This question is closeted and completely narcissistic.

Cynthia Cools-lartigue "Disgusting" is certainly not what I would have chosen to describe personal feelings towards this powerful read. It is naive for any one of us to criticize how someone growing up under her circumstances should feel. Tara is a tower of strength. She will spend a good deal of the rest of her life trying to forgive herself for what others have done to her in the past. This read gives hope to those caught in a similar situation. The hold that your family has on you combined with extremist religious beliefs, not to mention a severe mental disorder is most excruciating and debilitating. She herself escaped, but not unscathed. So how can "disgusting" enter into the realm of her reality?

Joan Patricia is it disgusting because you find it incredible that in 21st century in America children are so mistreated and ill educated?
I agree it is shocking and disgusting that we allow parents’ Freedom of Religion to over rule the inalienable rights of their children, and treat children like the property of the parents.
The story really demonstrates the importance of compulsory public education. Religious education can so easily slip into indoctrination and the victims don’t even know that they are being robbed of their rights.

Sher Ellis Not until I witnessed my five year old grandson defending his parents on everything and anything did I realize how strongly innate the parent-child relationship is. As Tara repeated, she loves her parents. This is not a bond easily broken and contributes to denial and guilt. Do you ever really out-grow a bad childhood? Can you cold-turkey bonded relationships? Do you dissect and analyze or sweep everything away? Obviously this book was part of her effort to understand. I think she is far from completing her understanding as it will continue to evolve.

Kathe 1. An "educated and worldly individual would have difficulty understanding the horrible and violent upbringing that she experienced" because she was a child; completely dependent on her family, as all children are. A child learns what he/she is taught. It takes an exceptional individual to "go outside that box" and become that "educated, and worldly' individual who develops an understanding of the horrible and violent upbringing she has actually experienced.
2. Children are NOT brought into this world with "developed adult brains' to distinguish a "violent situation", nor an "uneducated upbringing", from anything else, nor do they even have anything else to compare it to. Children do NOT have options, and absolutely "endure" what they must to survive.
3. I would love to understand what you mean when you state that You; "misunderstood her manner of education in a life in our country, in this country"? Because people live many different lives in this country. This is a huge country made up of many different cultures, many different religions, many different communities, and many different values, traditions, beliefs, etc. It is absolutely IMPOSSIBLE for every child in our country to have the SAME upbringing.

Crystal I find it hard to believe that you aren't intentionally being obtuse to spark debate, or you have your own personal well of pain that you mask by attacking other's pain.

Surely you must know that this happens all.the.time. The human brain is a liar - it tricks us, manipulates us, warps reality so that it can protect our egos and spare us pain. This is a well documented phenomenon in psychology. It's unfortunate that you think a survival instinct we are all born with is disgusting.

"My mom calls me fat and ugly because she doesn't want the other kids to make fun of me. She's trying to motivate me to be thin because she loves me," the brain of someone with an eating disorder who is verbally abused by her parents might lie.

"My husband hits me because he wants me to be better. I don't learn otherwise and keep screwing up. He loves me," the brain of a woman who is physically abused by her husband might lie.

"Maybe I am being crazy, maybe I'm not supposed to be mad that my friend said all of those horrible things about me behind my back. She was only telling the truth. If I get mad at her, then she'll be mad at me and won't be my friend anymore and no one else will be my friend," the brain of someone with low self-esteem being gaslighted by a friend who emotionally manipulates her might lie.

Jane There is security in what you know. If you are raised in an abusive family, that's what you know...it's the ONLY security you know. A basic understanding of psychology perhaps would help you have some compassion for those raised in such a way.

Alismcg abuse abuse abuse Tara suffered years of abuse... abusers worm their way inside ones head, behind ones eyes... that's how. Abusers violate ones personhood so that the individual becomes conflicted by her own experience of reality and interpretation of it.

Alexandra Are you saying that the author, looking back, should have condemned her parents and the abusive brother more? Or whether she should have fought in the beginning? Because she was at first a child and was not able to fight back, and after she went to college and everything, she still loves her parents, in a way. But she did end up rejecting them, or at least their anti-doctor, etc. stand. I think she now knows it's abuse, but was trying to show what and how she thought as a child.

Katarina Janoskova I'm tempted to turn the question on you.
As an educated reader interested in humanity, how did you not yet come across the complicated matter in which we respond to violence in those we love?
A child can not help but see their own home as the whole world. And love her parents. Even if she fears them and doesn't understand them. This beautifully and painfully written account rings home for many, many people. There is a lot of violence in our homes. Not always physical, but plenty of it.
Adults can fall into these just as easily. Men and women spend years and even lifetimes in abusive relationships that outsiders who are lucky to have never experienced any type of emotional abuse can find very difficult to understand. It's not stupidity or lack of education that holds them there, although I understand how Tara found her way out with the help of education.

And don't fool yourself. You can say that will never happen to me a thousand times and it still can.

lowercase most people can't see the forest for the trees. she was in the eye of the storm, and a child; she grew up thinking this was normal. why is it so difficult to believe that she couldn't just toss all of her previous years away -- her life and the love of the only family she'd ever known -- because she came to know that it was toxic to her? i salute her for distancing herself as she did, however slowly she needed to do it. they kept her from school and they hamstrung her and gaslighted her and outright lied to her, and yet she STILL managed to get her doctorate from one of the most prestigious schools in the world before she was 30. the only word i have for her is "brava."

Warren Postma You lack empathy Patricia. Why is that, do you think? Did you grow up in a home that lacked it and thus you lack empathy for the narrator?

Sarah Rose I do not understand your question or comment. Is this an actual question or a statement of disbelief. After reading a few of the 1 star reviews on Amazon, I am guessing you are another family member who is trying to discredit her or so naive to not understand the shortcomings and faults in our society.

Avonlea The problem is that when you grow up in an abusive situation, you have literally YEARS of toxic brain patterns and wiring to undo. It took her a long time after leaving the confines of her upbringing to even begin to understand it. I think she's a stunning example of someone who had to overcome this and break free in her own, painful way.

Wanda Keith I found it to be disgusting what Tara went through but the book is not disgusting. The area where Tara grew up was in the shadow of Ruby Ridge in an area where people go to escape the mainstream. All she knew was what she saw and what her parents told her. Think of the people at Waco and remember that those children, and even the grownups, were brainwashed into believing what David Koresh told them. Tara was a young girl who had to discover the outside world on her own and it is anything but disgusting that she was strong enough to do so.

Cathy it is interesting to think about your perspective, because I had a totally different reaction. And, it provided some insight to fundamentalism and how innocent children--by accident of their birth--are thrust into a world that is so unlike most other people.

Shannon If you actually read the book then you would see that she DID understand how horrible and violent her upbringing was...AFTER she was educated. Every child thinks their "norm" is THE norm - particularly when they are completely isolated from the outside world and have no experiences to compare against (except other kids in the same community who were probably treated similarly, actually reinforcing that their norm is everyone's norm). Even as an older child when she tried to hide her family's antics from outsiders, it felt more like she simply didn't want to be embarrassed, rather than realizing that the behavior itself was actually unacceptable (like when you got in trouble for doing something wrong). Remember, she wasn't even allowed to read books. They had to be manipulated historical documents and Mormon religious texts only. They were brainwashed to believe that everything else was a lie told by the corrupt establishment (that was literally try to kill them, they believed).

Towards the end of the book she specifies that her family essentially split in half: those who received a formal education and those who never did. It was the educated children that finally came to realize how bad their upbringing really was, while the uneducated children continued to accept their norm as, actually normal.

If you can't understand her journey to enlightenment, you literally missed the whole point of the book.

Laurel It's called isolation and brainwashing :) We are raised with the world view we are taught. How does a child learn what an apple is? What a tree is? Their guardian points to it and says "apple." "tree." How does a child decide what religion is "right?" Their parents give them a book and tell them it's true. I was raised Mormon as well, so I was brainwashed to believe that the Book of Mormon was translated from Gold Plates in Egyptian, by a man who was a prophet speaking God's will. Some people are brainwashed to believe that anyone outside their group should be killed. Pain tells us that physical abuse is wrong. But it can still become "the norm," or we can still not know how to escape it. We only know about history when we learn about it. And if someone is controlling the narrative, that is how you will view it. You're right, you have completely misunderstood.

Lee Are you white, Patricia? Do you live in the US? (I'm assuming yes from your last statement.) Because if you are than know every day you live in a horrible and violent society that upholds white supremacy. Her life was just a more extreme version of what we all go through every day (the brainwashing, gaslighting and emotional abuse); BIPOC of course get the worst of it.

Trisha The subtext of the book is the 'power of denial'. I think she documents this extremely well. We've all been in situations in which we cannot SEE what is right in front of us. I found it exceedingly understandable.

Katrina We spend the first years of our lives being primarily influenced by the people who are raising us. They are our whole world, they teach us by word and deed everything we know about the world around us. If there are lots of people involved in our upbringing, with lots of different viewpoints, then we gradually learn that there are many different ways of being. If we learn love, openness, and curiosity, our brains and instincts develop differently than if we learn only caution, duty, and the danger of questions. Dr. Westover's childhood and much of her adolescence consisted almost entirely of her father's views and people who respected and lived by those views, meaning that whatever he said and did was her gospel, and she truly had little or no idea that any other ways existed. Leaving home was like suddenly being on another planet, with bizarre and inexplicable rules and customs she was expected to know; anyone with less strength and determination would have been unable to survive the transition and would have retreated to what was familiar and manageable. Even once she started recognizing logically that her father's perspective wasn't the only one, or the only right one, in the world, the instinctive/emotional aspects of functioning are so ingrained after all of those years, that it's amazing she survived becoming part of the rest of the world.

Betsy This response now fills my mind with a type of fear when I think of Jurors that sit with ones' fate in their hands.

Ron You've just pointed out your own problem: you are unable to consider anyone's perspective but your own. And that problem is a truly disturbing one indeed.

Brenda Cults, such as Mormons, have a way of brainwashing people and convincing them that their way is the only correct way. She did not have any experience with the outside world until she went to college, not really. She was sheltered and indoctrinated into believing that her parents' way of life was the only pure way. She herself was not worldly nor educated. She had to educate herself. Notice that she finally was able to break away from all of that. There are plenty of people in this country who go through similar--Jehovah's Witnesses, Mormons, Quiverfull, Scientology. Getting out is hard.

Christine I just finished EDUCATED - and thought 'how could this happen'? But if you look at how our country has degraded over the last years, you can see that it DOES happen, people are being dumbed down - by fundamental systems, reality TV, laziness. Unless one raised under these conditions seeks knowledge, knowledge won't be found. I think it's a very good book.

Dana Busby Your perspective is the exact opposite of mine. I thought she did a good job of helping me to understand how she could think the way she did. I was absolutely yelling at her in my head when she, for example, went riding with her horrible brother, but I got it. However, I happen to share some of the experiences she had like coming from a large, religious family, so I have some common ground with Westover.

Lisa Magee I can understand this and I was not even raised in a fundamentalist family. I suffered great abuse as a child "running away" at 14 (much as this author did at 16/17). I was disowned by my family but I still wanted a relationship with them. It was not until I was in my late 50's after suffering abuse from them even as an adult, that I finally was able to let go. It is the natural order of things that if your family is abusive whether psychological, physical or both that you believe the fault must be within yourself. You're not worthy of love, you're bad and must be punished, you're evil. Formal education has nothing to do with self-worth as seen through the child's eyes (mo matter how old you are) in a dysfunctional family.

Jenna The expectation of abuse and brainwashing victims to recognize their own level of abuse and brainwashing is utterly ridiculous. I didn't know a thing about loving, healthy relationships until I left for college. And what's more, even after learning of everything wrong I endured at home, I still craved it. It was violent and abusive, but it was still home. Unless you've been in that situation, you've no right to judge another's journey.

April Children find their raising to be normal because they don't know anything different. Westover loves her family to this day, despite their public undermining of her account. Relationships are complicated. Family is complicated. Few people can entirely isolate emotional situations and relationships from what they know by reasoning. Most people have been a victim of a narcissist at some point or another, and it often takes time to recognize this behavior in people we love. Even upon recognition, it's extremely difficult to accept the full reality of a loved one treating family in such a way.

derek groom The word disgusting I find deeply offensive. I have nothing but admiration for Tara Westover. It's her father and others who are disgusting and the parts of society that allow such things to go on as detailed in Tara's wonderful and deeply moving book. I can only wish her well in all that she does in the future.

inge The US is not immune to fundamentalist groups who shun society and the government. And the abuse of women occurs everywhere, unfortunately. And women are taught that it is their own fault

Helen Pense The worldly individual did understand, the young girl who was living it at the time, did not. After all, if your own mother does not acknowledge the abuse, which is clearly there, how can a young girl living in isolation process what is going on? Tara is a compelling writer who laid out her palate and painted her perception. A person's perception is their truth. Her gut told her this was wrong but why was her mother not confirming her gut?? This can be very confusing for a young person. Her truth was an abusive brother along with a mother who turned a blind eye. Tara faced that truth and decided NOT to accept it simply because this was her family. Her mother was and is in denial but trust human nature, deep down she feels guilty for allowing it to happen. I applaud Tara for turning herself into the educated and true person that she is today. Her memoir can serve as the means to unchain herself from her past.

Kimchi are you ok? lol

Kathy As a 10 year old, as a five year old. This is a memoir and a fine one. Your comments are bizarre.

✨Sophie✨ Wow. I can't put into words everything I want to say to Patricia Barry right now. Is this an actual "question?"

Diane You have obviously lead a charmed life. For those of who know, we understand and empathize.

Kumari de Silva Children are not in a position to question their caretakers. Children lack the ability to get up and leave. They have no access to money, jobs, places to live so most children with abusive parents accept the abuse as normal. I would say All children accept that whatever they grew up with forms the base line for normal. If you don't believe me, try getting married. You will quickly learn what you thought of as "normal" wasn't normal for everyone.

This book is about Westover's struggle to create perspective. She couldn't /didn't have any other perspective than what her family told her until she was a safe distance away. If you have ever moved to a foreign country that's usually the first time you can learn what is average American. It's usually (unless you have foreign parents) the first time you have chance to compare.

Serah I don't understand why you fail to understand this.

Amy I think you've missed the point entirely. Perhaps you even skimmed the book a bit and missed how isolated she was from mainstream culture?

Before Tara Westover's education, she accepted the insanity and abuse in her life as normal. She knew nothing else and therefore had nothing to compare it against. Once out of the situation and able to come to terms with her experience versus all the experience of history and what she'd learned, Westover finally began to realize her experience was decidedly abnormal and wrong. And, once she began to grasp that, she saved herself step by step.

Having said all that, it's not unusual for those who ARE educated and who DO have comparisons all around them to accept the abuse they've been raised in as 'normal' and somehow caused by some flaw or fault in them. I'd suggest your read a bit more about the psychological and sociological effects of abuse and brainwashing on people. You'll find it eye-opening, I hope.

Penelope Levario Follow the grace - everyone has their path to get where the need.

Linda Marie I guess I am just tired of reading books that drag me down. I would like to read something that strives to show the wonderful creative spirit that humanity has. Why must so many books condemn and berate people? Sure, life is tough. Can we not address the strength and surviving spirit, rather than the weakness and victimizing bullying that drags us down?
I realize that Tara overcame many obstacles and finally received an education, but, it seems that the focus was more about how her parents, through their fanatical beliefs almost ruined her life.

Rae Neill
The life Tara had with her family was all she knew as a child, She was attached to them in a negative manner. This is called disorganised attachment where a child experiences a range of erratic emotional responses from their parents. Because Tara was intelligent and eventually educated herself she could then see how totally dysfunctional her family was. However there was always with her the push pull emotions between wanting a place to belong in her family and finding her own identity and pursuing her own career.

DrR Although Tara’s story may sound extreme to some, it actually resonates with many other people who have either suffered or witnessed any form of child abuse or domestic violence. I totally get her point!

The human mind and self-image can be altered and twisted given the right circumstances (in Tara’s case, living in a closed system without peer interaction her entire childhood). It is not surprising, therefore, that the person develops a distorted image of him/herself and resorts to self-blame not realizing that they are, in fact, the victim.

Barb Chamberlin Whatever your childhood, it's "normal" for you, because you had no other. That she had little information from the larger world, even about her neighbors, helped to retain that "normalcy" well into her teens. She missed many of the developmental stages as she had no peers. To plunk yourself down in a different world at 16 or 17, without the least idea of how to be with others of her age must have been a culture shock that most of us can not imagine. To reject her whole family, and her entire early life is not something many people are able to do. Obviously the people in her family were quite intelligent--those who were able to get out of the family, certainly managed to gain admirable educations.

Lori Now that I've read this book, I think the author's descriptions are typical of what goes on in the cycle of abuse. The gaslighting and co-dependency seem to be what allow the cycle to continue.

Mike You are correct Patricia Barry, you do not understand.

Mary I found this a great book that tells a difficult but true story. It is one of many stories of suffering in the world. The author did an exquisite job of telling her own life story. I learned a lot about the world she lived in, and likely she is not the only one. The writing is beautiful, and as sad as her life was she overcomes the obstacles and makes a successful life for herself although the trauma did continue to affect her. I found Tara a great writer and a great person, for what she survived and what she accomplished .

Stephanie Patricia, it is hard to understand. However, I'm reading it and am really disturbed. This is a family overtaken with assumptions and dogma. Plenty of people are like this. It shows up in popular opinion regarding all sorts of topics such as politics, education, and our own limitations in understanding. People want to be more powerful and in control than they really are. I think that is at the heart of why this happens. I felt sorry for her parents because of this. But it was uncomfortable to realize how many different forms these issues come in, and how easy it is to be delusional without realizing it, and how much pain and trouble that can cause others. Love this book because the author was adept at helping me to see my own struggles with this.

Paula Hagar Your comments and question make no sense to me whatsoever. I don't even understand what you are saying and asking?!?!??????

Cynthia Wow. It seems you have a lot of growing to do in understanding the psychology of being brought up in an environment like Tara. PTSD exists and is real. NOT knowing what else is out there exists and is real. It's possible in this country because Freedom from/of religion allows people to do all manner of unthinkable things to people. I'm not saying it's not a good thing to have, just stating the obvious. Using the word disgusting to describe this is puzzling to me.

Louisa Patricia you seem to have absolutely no understanding of the human psyche and how the brain deals with trauma. Please educate yourself a little bit on these subjects, it will make you more empathetic and you will be able to answer this question for yourself.
I personally haven't experienced anything like Tara Westover has and yet I am fully able to understand why she is dealing with it the way she is. The more you know...

Myra This book definitely re-confirmed the mantra that "everybody's got sh*t"... I was very disturbed/upset by certain events in her story but accepted them for what they were - her story, her truth. While most of us have never experienced anything nearly as extreme as Tara did, I do know that ALL of us have events/traumas from our own childhood that have defined who we are as adults and, even if we aren't even aware of what these things are, they lie just beneath our surface.

James We accept the reality of the world with which we are presented- The Truman Show

Nancy Schawelson Friedman The answers to your question upset me because the people answering lack the understanding that someone cannot understand this. This is precisely why we read these memoirs, to better understand other people and our world. You should probably read more about abuse including rape to better get a feeling of what goes on in the world. "Etched in Sand" and "The Glass Castle" are good ones to start with. In a way, your upbringing taught you that this upbringing was unrealistic so you are instilled in a different way. Just keep an open mind and keep reading.

Marilee Fealty to family is understandable to most of us. Even when dysfunctional, the ties formed in childhood abide even into adulthood. I was raised in what most would say was an enlightened family, educated, traveled and experienced of the greater world. However, certain familial psychological ties bind me and linger into my adulthood and independent life. Sometimes, in the midst of making decisions and thinking through situations, I find I'm hearing my mother's judgmental voice in my head. Her flaw was that she worried a great deal about what "others" would think, as if there were some immutable standard to meet. She expected me to care how I would be perceived, more so than whether I'm being true to myself. I do not want to think like that, yet like Tara, I am always a daughter. So, don't be disgusted by Tara, rather, try to understand the strong bonds of family and upbringing. Applaud her courage.

Bob Thomas I haven't read the book, but it is intriguing, will put on my bucket list. You know you aren't going to change the opinion of those that don't understand, having or having not living in a strict environment. My mom did. I loved her parents, visited them often. They only visited me maybe twice, once for my sister's confirmation.

But we are what we are. We were created with some kind of program. The right program is what this woman did. She changed, got educated and changed her life!

This answer contains spoilers… (view spoiler)

Elaine Patricia, surely you were raised in a modern, urban setting with upper middle class parents who never taught you empathy.

Claudine Montes If you know nothing else, if you have not seen what other options there are, then you don't have the ability to see that the way you live is bad or could be different. That is why these people home school and have no tv and only allow them to read specific books, so they do not have access to alternatives. As Tara gets older and experiences more she questions more and does things differently. It is perfectly clear to me how this happens in our society. Just read about Colorado City or Scientology to see how powerful mind control is.

Tony Fecteau How was it disgusting? This was the way it happened, seeing it through the eyes of the author. Violence is often overlooked or rationalized by many people. Did you actually read the book? Or stopped at the hard to read parts?

Sonya Leonard Shame on you! Clearly you have been fortunate enough to have never been a victim of any type of abuse or exposed to those who have. I truly hope your lack of empathy is regulated to your reading world only.

⭐️Allyce~☆~♥ ☔♥ Oh it's possible!

KJ If you had walked a mile in her shoes you might understand. Not everyone gets to have loving and nurturing parents.

Deborah Caswell Great fictional memoir. I didn't believe it and searched for her family, neighbors online. She starred in the musical Annie when she was 9, Richard & Tara were a musical duet, she took piano & voice lessons, ballet lessons, had a piano at home, had a computer & internet at home in the 90s!!!! All the kids & parents went to the dentist regularly and she had braces. Her parent went to Utah State University. Her mom said she took the kids to the library all the time and the house was full of books.

Shawn L Your writing is confusing. I think you are trying to say that it disgusts you that this can happen in this country. And I would agree if that's what you're stating. If anyone is stating that the author disgusts them for writing this book, then they need a serious reality check.

Kirti You will surely find if unbelievable her story because you weren't in her shoes.

Mars Congratulations on being raised with extreme privilege to not be able to understand the abuse cycle. I am disgusted by you and your lack of empathy or even attempt to understand what it is to grow up in an abusive situation yet still be able to love your family. IN fact, victim blaming like your comment is one way the cycle of abuse is allowed to continue. I hope since you've written this, you've grown and learned more, and have more of a heart than this comment suggests.

Malan 'Disgusting' is a strong word here. I, personally, felt frustrated while reading the book and questioned how could she, after spent so many years reading and studying and travelling around the outside world, still being so emotionally attached to this abusive family. But again, yes, the level of influences that your original family have on you is enormous and especially that fact that you are being called the 'outsider' or 'lost sheep'. Isn't our society like this? We only believe what others believe and think. We are weaker than we think we are and we can be so easily manipulated by people we trust.

Leatha Are you implying that there are no dysfunctions in your world?

Maryam ♡ I didn’t even read this book and I know how and ignorant your statements are. Just because you didn’t experience a certain situation of lifestyle does not mean it’s not possible or, even worse, that you can assume it’s easy to get out of when it’s absolutely not. Things are not simpler “black and white” in this world. The in between, the gray, is what makes it most hard for people to actually realize the existence of the abuse they‘re facing or faced, and to actually move on from the trauma they face. So, to put it your words, this question is “disgusting”. Smh.

Tammy Hedlund Ma’am, you have no compassion.

Sarah Gaslighting - she was taught to disbelieve the evidence of her own mind and experience. Structures of shame, fear and secrecy develop in families and institutions in general and abusive relationships of all kinds.

Shamaine Daniels I do not understand how someone with so much access to information could not comprehend that humans can carry conflicting feelings, values, and thoughts at the same time.

Deb Cornell Does a fish know it's wet?

Laura I am continually saddened by the lack of compassion and understanding in the world for other people who have “failed” to come up to our own standards of “correct” behaviour and opinions. Such time-worn cliches such as “don’t judge until you have walked a mile in someone’s shoes”, and “do as you would be done by”, would not go amiss for some reviewers in this case. This is a real life story, not a novel. How can her true thoughts and experiences be “disgusting” to someone who does not know her at all? I hope and trust that this is youth and ignorance of the world speaking. Most of us were somewhat self-righteous and dogmatic in our opinions when young, and wider reading should help with that.

Alyssa Sun She is telling the story from the perspective of her younger self. She is telling is the way she EXPERIENCED it, recounting how she thought and felt as the girl she was, not who she is now.
Besides, if Tara's present self fails to understand her childhood and teenagehood, that would still be reasonable: Imagine being transported to a parallel universe where Tara's family is the norm instead of the exception, how would you feel? Of course, you'd say, I'd know that my upbringing was perfectly healthy and the people around me are loony, but you should remember that you have been TAUGHT the concept of right and wrong, of reason and absurdity. Tara was never TAUGHT how to think or how to judge.

Nicole Sok This book sheds light on what it's like to be raised in a dysfunctional, abusive household. A child's upbringing wires their brains for how to perceive the world, how to understand family, and how to feel loved. When that foundational upbringing is as broken as hers, an outsider stares in disbelief while the person raised in it knows every step of that dysfunctional dance. They know the part they play because playing that part well, dancing the dance steps is part of what they did and do to keep themselves safe. It is hard to unlearn that, and as she notes time and time again, she truly wanted to believe the best about her family, even when they proved her wrong time and time again. A college education does not erase a person's need for family. I am so happy for everyone who reads this book and doesn't get it--your upbringing was clearly something that hers wasn't. But her struggle as a truly educated woman to make sense of her family story is one that so many individuals face--even people who did go to school and the doctor, even people who weren't raised in a fundamentalist household. Education gives perspective, and that perspective helps a person to separate from the abuse, but it does not erase the mark of dysfunction and abuse on a person's life

Kare I don't understand your reaction to this story. I loved reading it and found it to be such an interesting insight to families that are affected with all the circumstances presented. I think stories like this help people have compassion for others by gaining a better undestanding of what they have experienced, survived and moved forward from. I think Tara is quite inspiring and courageous!

Jane I am disgusted that you have no understanding or compassion for people that have come from a fundamental background.

Judy Bryson She was raised like this. As a child she was not responsible.

Cathy One cannot "understand" logically or rationally a violent situation, because of the emotional and mental affects it has on someone. This statement does not depend on how educated or uneducated a person is. If you're curious about this, read up on how dysfunctional or abusive experiences affect the victim/survivor. Studies on trauma and PTSD would be an excellent place to start.

Edon I believe I do not agree with you.

Sara I am not sure how you can say "disgusting"...the problem is when one places judgement without understanding. There is a quote that I believe sums it up...“You can't understand someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes.”

LauraIndira you're kidding right? I find it hard to believe you don't know that it is normal to grow up being abused and to consider it normal. I actually believe you are faking your disbelief. Its 2020. Unless you yourself were raised in a box you should know this. Its weird you do not . But what is disturbing is that you say it is "disgusting." I believe you are writing this for attention .

Pamela Peterson-Marlin This book is about trauma and how the author learned to overcome a significant trauma. Unfortunately, this happens a lot more than some people may think around the world. It's easier for parents, etc. to hide it when children grow up in an isolated setting such as this one due to the lack of other outside adults (i.e. doctors, teachers, police officers, etc.) being able to determine what is going on in this particular environment.

Pricely Francis The book is gripping and fascinating. In the end the author understands her "Horrible and violent" up bringing although it took some doing on her path. This book only illustrates that humans are nothing more than the sum total of their formative experiences. We cannot be more than our religion, culture, family dynamics, society, etc. Well, yes, we can, but it takes an inordinate amount of mental recalibration and exposure. The only reality we all have is the one in our heads, much of it, if not all of it, inherited.

Angie When you have been brainwashed from birth to believe a certain reality, it is natural to not trust your own thoughts and feelings that are contrary to that reality. The journey of leaving that belief system is fraught with self-doubt, no matter how educated you are.

Carlos Costa More disgusting to me is to know that this type of situation still occurs in the middle of the 21st century. How is it possible to have people so retrogressed, so stupid and ignorant about such basic issues? I feel very sorry for her and for all the people who still suffer from this type of families and environment. it is scary to think that this reality still happens in the present and can be anywhere ...

Peg That seems an odd comments. Tara was not interpreting her youthful experiences as an educated adult until she became such an adult.

Hafiz Waheeduddin People see things even violence based on their perspective and their exposure. As told by @Marsmannix lens of the system do play a part. However, fundamentalist is not all about religions. It is about exposure. Although education matters but nowadays people understand that exposure of different environment and places make you understand things from different perspective. Mostly people with lot of formal education who born somewhere and whole life lived there except few formal visits to other cities are not good as someone who have traveled a lot and have better exposure with just basic education. So saying "educated" is something very subjective.

Monica I read this 3 times and still have no idea what your question or point is.

Ishwari I pains me to know that an 'educated and worldly individual' as yourself fails to understand and accept the existence of various perspectives and painful realities. These perspectives and realities can be wrong and right, but it takes and well formed mind to first accept things are they are and then move to change it. Criticizing a book on the basis of personal lack in understanding of reality hardly proves anything. But of course, your views can be based upon anything 'you' please.

Im I did not quite understand why she has such a hard time cutting her entire family off after she's become educated and exposed... I find her learning process and her pursue of higher education very intriguing. But she spent way too much time dwelling on the unnecessary things that would bring her down - her family etc. The craft of her writing is amazing but the story seems commonplace. Just another one of those abusive and ignorant household stories, but very well written.

Kailey Collins What an absolutely ignorant statement.

Ivan This is not a handbook on how to be a good father, how to raise a child, how to be responsible religious person, how to deal with abuse as a child, how to deal with a violent father, how to deal with mental health problems as a mormon survivalist father. This is a memoir of a victim of all the above. A first person view. Yes, it disgusts me too, like a Holocaust movie, but I am also thankful for somebody to get a torch, a pen, words and bring it to light. I am also shocked how is it possible that such a family can exist in the US. Now thats a shame.

Kelsey Ruocco Are you for real? Do you know anything about the effects of abuse? This is ignorant and offensive to survivors.

Marcos We often don't understand when we suffer the same problem...i.e. when we 'know it all' -- stuck in our own beliefs.

Dee I prefer to see it as how education gave her an escape from a terrible, rightwing, redneck fundamentalist upbringing. I grew up on a remote rural farm in NZ and found my escape in books and education as well. Fortunately, we were not religious or fundamentalists and I had a fantastic teacher for many of my early years. We had our own issues with a narcissistic philandering father and a mother who was being mentally abused by him and suffered depression - all of which became more obvious as we grew up. I was the one who was able to use education to escape but I still loved my mother - a very intelligent woman with a great heart - unlike my father. I can see that if you do not come from a difficult background - you might struggle to see this book for the masterpiece it is. From my perspective, I can only imagine how very, very difficult it must have been to relive and write this - all respect to her I say, she heartily deserves it.

Cindy Costerison Personal truth is based on perception. Memoirs are just that. Perceptions of life. There are many good things about this book, including the tenacity and ability she had to endure the abuse and fundamental belief system that her parents lived by. It might be wise to focus on the good things you can take from a book, instead of so much angry criticism.

Sharon1309 I admire you just expressing your feelings. I was longing for some kind of justice that never happened. It shook me up. I lost a little belief In the goodness of the world. I’m understand your strong feeling

Marc Seriously? Why are all these people trying to explain a good book to a person not asking a question seriously. This person lists 281 books, currently reading 211...really? OK Patricia has actually read 65 books since 2014 but please why are people taking this question so seriously? One look at the reading list, and it's clear this person is ill equipped to understand an "educated and worldly individual." My suspicion is that this person, like a lot of the so-called critical readers of this book are just shills (knowing or not, as in this case) of the exact problem Ms. Westover is revealing, exposing. Cloistered people, or cloistered minds are very difficult to educate and I refuse to waste my time with those that are not truly seeking conversation on a topic or book.

Cat My o my. What a weird command. You must not understand at all that when you are born in a dysfunctional family you thinking is very confused. You instincts are to be loyal to your family and to keep it all secret. You try to be safe in a unsafe situation and hatch onto good moments. You must have been very lucky to have been born in a "normal" family. Not all families are like yours "normal". Please don't call things disgusting that you don't have a clue about. I recommend you do some research about what it is like to grow up in a dysfunctional family

Joanie When people are isolated from the outside world, they lack discernment and have nothing to compare their experience to. A lack of exposure limits their ability to think and reason.

Barbara Albonico Patricia, I hope I am not being cruel, but your disgusted reaction may
reveal more about yourself than you realize. Is there something in this book that caused such a visceral reaction? Has something hit home in your experience from the read of this book that you may or may not realize? It seems an inappropriate reaction to someone's pain. Otherwise, you may have been raised in conditions where feelings were discouraged or the voicing of feelings were not encouraged.

Inna Fields Are you member of her family?

Jared Only someone raised in a closed system of indoctrination based on conditional love can begin to understand the mind-f*** that goes on when that is the only system they were part of their entire life. It often takes many years well past the point where the mind is fully developed (age 26), to even to begin to start peeling back the layers and understand the complexity of shame, guilt & undue influence you had been under for your entire life, and that would be for even a mild mannered system such as healthy mainstream Mormonism. I think it is an absolute miracle that Tara broke out and peeled back the layers as fast and as young as she did from this unhealthy fundamentalist system. Stunning.

Have you ever been in a situation where you would lose the love of your entire family, everything you have known your entire life based on one decision? If not, then you are not in a place to judge the author

Dayanara Ryelle I'm guessing you don't understand the nature of abuse. I've been in such situations (all emotional/mental, fortunately--if there is a such thing as good fortune) and there are different perspectives.

When it's a stepparent who hasn't been there all your life, it's easy not to buy into their bullshit and get brainwashed.

When it's a bioparent, it's EXTREMELY easy to want to do whatever it takes to please that parent, no matter how stupid the potential outcome. Even after I acknowledged my mother as an abuser, I still had to process on a mental and emotional level that I was my own woman and I didn't have to worry about repercussions from displeasing her.

Brittany If you are raised as sheltered as she was you wouldn't have known any better either. Children are extremely susceptible to "brainwashing" and "manipulation" because they rely on their parents to show them how to function in society. If that society is that of a survivalist where you are so cut off and removed from everything else that you don't dare venture too far off - it is completely normal to expect nothing more from the world simply because you just don't know any better.

Debbie You cannot look at her experience thru the lens of your own childhood. You cannot understand abject neglect, poverty, extreme fundamental brainwashing, mental illness unless you put your experiences aside. Still, it will be hard to grasp. I didn't endure all that she did but much of what she went thru rang very true to me according to my childhood experiences as well as my training as a social worker. Just because you had a mainstream upbringing does not mean that everyone did. You have no idea the lives others live.

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Sobia Nawab wow maybe you need to be 'Educated'. There are many pods to this pea called human experience. Would you be just as astonished to realize that billions of people on this earth yet each one experiences their own very unique problems, heartaches, challenges, hell and heaven. Open your mind and broaden your horizon. The bubble you live in only contains you, the world that exists outside of it, is totally unperturbed by your convictions.

marjorie lecker either you're trolling or you have no ability to empathize, or to take inspiration from Tara Westover's generous sharing of her life with us - and it's her right to do that

Courtney You are failing to grasp the amount of brainwashing/gaslighting that she endured throughout her life. She was emotionally and physically abused. It can take years for someone to break free from that kind of thinking/rationalizing. I suggest reading Gaslighting by Stephanie Moulton Sarkis to get a better understanding of why it was so difficult for her to see through the lies and the violence in her life.

Susanna Sturgis What comes to me is some advice I learned while doing 12-step work: "Identify, don't compare." Tara Westover's background is hugely different from mine, but it wasn't long before I started seeing the similarities between the closed system she grew up in and the semi-closed systems that I think most of us spend at least some of our time in. They make it hard to imagine the lives, and even credit the full humanity, of those beyond the fringe of what we consider normal. And it's hard to identify across those lines. Unsettling, even dangerous. Our certainties are challenged -- as Tara's were challenged, and as Tara challenged those of her sister, her mother, and others. Our ability to rise to the challenge is not a given, and often it takes time to develop.

Shelley In the interest of full disclosure, I have read parts of this book, not all of it, nor in any particular order. I find it extraordinarily disturbing. Even so, I agree with so many of the responses to this question, that is, those remarks which describe the book and the reactions of the author to the events to the events and people in her life. I also believe these things can and do happen in the USA. I am struck by how compassionate and understanding the commenters are toward the author and her story, yet so narrow toward Patricia Barry who wrote this question. She is, like Tara Westover, like you and I, a product of her life experience, digesting information within her unique frame of reference. So many of you commenters are so fair to Tara Westover, so unfair to Patricia Barry.

Melodie Grabner No (sorry it is my Canadianism) you are mistaken. I have no idea how you grew up (white privileged maybe?) Lets just celebrate how she managed to survive. Yes this happens, in every country including yours. Please open your eyes. Poverty, fear, false religion, no educations exists. What courage to write about it and you disparage her. For shame.

Andrew This looks as though it has already been answered countless times but here is my tuppence worth. The point of the book is to illustrate the difficulties and horrors experienced by someone who lived in an entirely closed system for many years, including the early formative years of childhood. I struggle to a greater extent in trying to understand your perspective than the struggle faced by anyone who finds themselves in this situation. It is difficult enough to disown family members but when the parents in that family inculcate you (from birth) with the sense that the very decision to leave will result in you being condemned to an eternity in hell, it shouldn't be THAT difficult for you to see why the decision to leave such a predicament would present a very specific, formidable and severe set of psychological challenges upon the individual. They should be applauded for having the courage to speak out about their ordeal, rather than being castigated for having undergone it.

Karen She wasn't "an educated and worldly individual" when she was a child. This is the only life she knew. As she bravely ventured out into the world, she learned about the world and increasingly recognized other perspectives and the experiences of other family units. Children only know what their parents provide for them

Phyllis Yes, this book is disgusting in that it is hard to believe people would raise their children that way. But, to condemn the writer, you must remember she was a child and didn't know anything any different. Also remember her father was bi-polar and was not very rational. What was truly sad was that her mother who surely knew of the abuse from her older brother, did nothing to stop it. Her manner of education was basically none growing up and the education she received she did of her own accord, that is truly a great feat and one that most of us will not even come close to, even with a formal education. Please have some compassion.

Shauna Becoming educated was a process for her. Living in a patriarchal and fundamentalist family wherein questioning her father's beliefs was incomprehensible, and was taught that doing so would be an offense to God, how is it so difficult to see that her father's and brother's abusive behavior were obfuscated to her? I am saddened to read you find her memoir "disgusting." Her parents were her only source of information and they limited her understanding of the world. That's how her experience was possible in this country. That's one of the main points of her book.

Bruno Giegerich She wasn’t “educated and worldly” when the abuse was taking place.

Emma Rutherford you have to also look at it in her perspective. It's the only thing she's ever known, yes her parents aren't great, but maybe she didn't know that. When you're living an isolated life, and you don't know anything else, then you would probably speak to someone about it, but other than that, you can't/won't really do anything about it.

Heather Jacobsen Its what she grew up under. It was all she knew until she became an adult. And of course, you still love your parents, your family, no matter what. Its not difficult to understand at all.

Alex S. Fishes don't know they are wet because they were never in dry state.
You know her upbringing was horrible because your upbringing was heavenly compared to hers. She didn't have anything to compare her childhood to until she educated herself.

Viola Easier to judge the others Patricia. I admire Tara for her achievements. Wasn’t easy at all , she manage not only to educate herself, but to success in many ways. You didn’t experience her life. At least try to understand.
And yes, this happens to this country and is very sad. I don’t know where you live, but open your mind and see the fakts. America is a great country, no doubt, however like it or not this is reality that has to be cured. I think you need some education for yourself , before calling this book disgusting

Colleen I don't think that we can possibly understand how much of our worldview stems from our home environment and our upbringing. What may seem horrifying to you and I might be very normal to someone else.

Richelle Heflin Look up the term “gaslighting” and it will help you understand.

Tam The book is not disgusting, Patricia. The phenomenon that Tara describes is lamentable, and in accord with the psychology of being raised against an abusive backdrop of head-in-sand reverence for superstition. As to the question of how this could happen in America -- take a look at the orange surrogate for president, mass homeskooling [sic], belligerent gun-culture and mass shootings, greed and corruption packaged as patriotism, endemic racism, televangelist-promoted bigotries, and America's still abysmal performance on the PISA exams. As to the question of lack of awareness, Americans grow up brainwashed into believing that a social mess that lags far behind other western nations is "the greatest nation in the history of the world". As Trump demonstrates daily, wealth and power do not equal greatness.

Richard Turner I cannot believe the ignorance of this review! I'm not even going to dignify it with a proper response!

Zara Unless you have been in that situation, you don't know.

Laura Have you no empathy? She was totally under control of lunatics during her young years. Why can't you appreciate her journey to finding herself in the face of such odds? In my eyes you're pitiful.

Rose Please read this, it helped me to better understand.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/bl...

Michele This comment makes me sad. How is it possible to be so lacking in empathy? It is unbelievable to me that someone would read this book and blame the victim. I have completely misunderstood how someone could blame a child for not understanding the complexity of abuse.

leslie Cheryl Frank If they are secluded and keep to themselves, it may be possible. I'm surprised people in town did not question child abuse or neglect when they saw them shopping considering the cloths she wore.
I found this book difficult to read and at the same time could not put it down as I felt Tara was a survivor. I was repulsed by Shawn's behavior and the lack of back bone in her mother to stop his abuse and violence.

Olivia Have you truly read this book?

Irene Dondley There was a part of me that also wondered why she couldn't just get over her past, snap out of so to speak. She went so far beyond her upbringing, she accomplished so much, and was clearly brilliant, you would expect that her brilliance would help her get past the horrible things that happened to her. But I didn't have that upbringing and so I had to accept that this was her journey and that there is no easy way to intellectually "get over it". This is why I love reading because there are moments when you are brought into a world you didn't know about, see things from someone else's perspective and your world expands as a result.

Rita Patricia, unfortunately you have missed the whole point of the book and need to raise your level of empathy and comprehension of what is possible in the life of other people.........

Tanoy Bhattacherjee You will never understand the importance of her upbringing, my friend!
Unless you truly experience it in life.

Cyndie Dixon What do you mean, " an educated and worldly individual"? SHe was a brainwashed child! It disgusts me that children are being raised in this environment today in this country.

Tami I believe that many people have been brainwashed into believing that the only way to learn is through the school system. If that were true, how did we learn to speak before going to school and how did we learn to raise our children after we left school. Plus the myriad other forms of learning that we do throughout our lives. The school system should teach us how to learn, not what to learn. The institutions are another form of brainwashing.

Phyllis Combs Because regardless of the education you receive later on in life, while you are going through mental and physical abuse at the hand of a family member, you disassociate the actual events as a way to survive and grasp the unthinkable. It is the minds way to protect you. Sometimes you can forget actual events until they are opened up again through EMDR or hypnosis. In her case, she kept vivid journals for years. It's as if you didn't read the book. Did you?

Richard Gnann iii People have difficulty daily understanding their experiences. To find such disgusting and unbelievable is to find the human experience disgusting and unbelievable.

Linda Callahan Being raise in a system like this it's difficult to know what is true and what is not. As she has pointed out the whole community endorsed the system. And to get out is nearly impossible because those that should support you leaving are so brain washed as well they don't see it as not just. I have compassion for her and the parents. They too were brainwashed. The Dad had mental illness and could not see the forest for the trees. The Mom was raised it was her duty to be under her husband. I feel for the author because her whole life will be challenges.

Scotty You might want to try reading it and have a dictionary on hand for the big words.

Aleysha It's more disgusting to me when people with a more blessed life have no empathy for people who didn't have the same privileges and blame the victim for their abuses and not wanting to hate her family. Seeing as all your reviews are either 5 or 1 stars I see there's no room for grey areas for you and you should stick to books you know you'll like. Have you even heard of the term Stockholm Syndrome?

Susan Weliky However it happens that such a fundamentalist family exists, I don’t want to read about it. I just finished the book, read every word and would not recommend it unless you want to be bombarded by horrendous abuse.

Joan Why could she not understand? You mean, why did she not see the world and her place in it as you were raised to see it? Perhaps the same reason that you cannot see the world as she did?

Diane Sounds like some "education" about the frailty of the human mind is in order. Brainwashing works. That said, it was indeed crazy-making to see her return to these people over and over again.

Annie Mcwilliams it may be that you have never been made to believe that you could not question the authority of your father, or that you were not brainwashed and kept from normal society all of your life.

Judy Nappa For almost seventeen years, the author was definitely NOT educated or worldly and as she was not allowed to attend school or know a life other than her father's junkyard for many years, how would she begin to understand just how horrible her upbringing was if she had nothing to compare it to? I think you might want to "educate" yourself further on how many people in the United States or the rest of the world, for that matter, do not always have the opportunities that you had growing up. And you may want to reread this book as well...

Maura DeMouy I am so sorry this book made you so angry. If you have no experience with trauma and the behaviors that survivors show after traumatic experiences, I guess this book might be hard to understand. Tara's experience is a classic response to the trauma she experienced (as is her brother's compulsive need to dominate and control others).

Ashley Patricia maybe you are disgusted because you don't want to hear a story of a women feeling helpless and weak. She was born into that situation. I hope that you can appreciate how much strength and courage it look her to climb out of her situation. To me that takes a hell of a strong woman and I am proud of her.

I didn't experience this level of toxic relationships but I was made to doubt myself and trust what other people said above my own memories. It's a form of brainwashing. It doesn't matter how bright you are. It happens to vulnerable/sensitive people who self evaluate and take responsibility even if it is not their fault. The "victim" trusts the words of the people they love above in trusting in themselves. Not until the victim starts to trust themselves can they heal and start to become healthy. The fact that this was normal for her from years of abuse is why she couldn't understand how toxic her relationships were. As soon as she went back home the habits were already there. She could easily fall back into that role.

Judith I guess you don't remember Jim Jones!

Shane Is this a serious question? You are embarrassing yourself, all you are doing is making demands of an abused woman that she should "understand" the experience right away in a black-and-white fashion.

Debi Having a history of working with children that were in the foster care system for years and some getting our through adoption. No matter how horrid their family life was they always, always wanted to go back to their natural family. I have four grandsons all adopted and coming from abusive homes growing up. They all wanted to find and they did their bio families and wanted relationships with them, no matter how bad it was for them. Sometimes biological blood runs deep and the scars that are left keep them wanting that relationship even if they know it may not be the best relationship.

Sherry Mackay sorry patricia. i can't even understand what you are trying to say here. perhaps English is not your native language? I don't know who you are condemning? the writer? her family? please think about what you are saying in future so that other people like myself can have a hope of understanding what you're talking about.

Bill Curry I agree to some extent. Through much of the book my mind kept repeating, Just stay miles away from that psycho, sadist brother of yours! Can’t you see that? Sheesh!

Marilyn Brine Gilmour I've found in working even with those removed from homes because of abuse and/or neglect, that most are fiercely loyal to their biological parents. There certainly is ambivalence on a deeper level which can be worked through but initially, this system is all the child knows - and a child is totally dependent for survival on their parents for much of their early years.
Marsmannix describes very well what it's like to be raised within this kind of family.

Harold Rhenisch I think partly it was an authorial or editorial choice to present this material in the form of a memoir opening up in time, with a changing level of consciousness over the entire period. There are glimpses of the mature Tara here, with a fierce, proud, brilliant intelligence that shows why she survived. I would have liked to have seen more of that (its lack earned the book only 3 stars from me), but look forward to it solidly shining in the next book. Fingers crossed. There's some kinship with the intellectual clarity of Annie Dillard here, presented, however, with a grounding in religious tracts (not Dillard's style, for sure) — which she is quite open about. I'm going to hunt down her thesis. It sounds fascinating. Tara Westover certainly has a way of drawing people to her. I suspect she would be a powerful teacher at the university level.

Douglas Well it may be true to her perspective, but without the other side of the accusation, at very least, it seemed to me a tortured truth. This entire story however plausible each experience may be, it may not be true. There are too many little things missing to make it believable. It seemed to fantastic to be true. If you read this book and never considered the perspective of "the others" you are doing yourself a disservice. She ended up being everything the family is against. Wrote a book on it, tours, and talks against them. Where are they? As vengeful as they are and nothing? I watch several interviews, and unwittingly compared the inconsistencies in her references. She checks EVERY single socialist box in her writing. Do you think this might be the desperation of a person disowned by her family still confiding in her peer substitutes, longing for belonging? In the end the truth may lie somewhere off the pages of a fantastically written, Cambridge articulated, one-sided story. In short, don't believe everything you read.

Annelies I sympathize, it is terrifying. It brings home how little reason can do unless the individual who is subjected to this type of life can wrest free of a long and crippling indoctrination. And here I sit and wonder if I should say: "There but for the grace of God go I" or that this never would have happened to me. It makes me afraid of and fear for all those in this country, who can practice this kind of double-think and point an accusing finger at others and name them a threat.

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by Tara Westover (Goodreads Author)

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