Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus: The Classic Guide to Understanding the Opposite Sex

by John Gray

2. She tries to change or control his behavior by sharing her upset or negative feelings. (It is OK to share feelings but not when they attempt to manipulate or punish.) Why he doesn’t feel loved: 2. He feels unloved because she doesn’t accept him as he is.

3. She doesn’t acknowledge what he does for her but complains about what he has not done. Why he doesn’t feel loved: 3. He feels taken for granted and unloved ...

4. She corrects his behavior and tells him what to do, as if he were a child. Why he doesn’t feel loved: 4. He feels unloved because he does not feel admired.

5. She expresses her upset feelings indirectly with rhetorical questions like “How could you do that?” Why he doesn’t feel loved: 5. He feels unloved because he feels she has taken away her approval of him. He no longer feels like the good guy.

6. When he makes decisions or takes initiatives she corrects or criticizes him. Why he doesn’t feel loved: 6. He feels unloved because she does n...

Men generally don’t recognize the ways they communicate that are disrespectful and unsupportive to women. A man may even know that she is unhappy with him, but unless he understands why she feels unloved and what she needs he cannot change his approach.

1. He doesn’t listen, gets easily distracted, doesn’t ask interested or concerned questions. Why she doesn’t feel loved: 1. She feels unloved because he is not attentive or showing that he cares.

2. He takes her feelings literally and corrects her. He thinks she is asking for solutions so he gives advice. Why she doesn’t feel loved: 2. She feels unloved because he doesn’t understand her.

3. He listens but then gets angry and blames her for upsetting him or for bringing him down. Why she doesn’t feel loved: 3. She feels unloved ...

4. He minimizes the importance of her feelings and needs. He makes children or work more important. Why she doesn’t feel loved: 4. She feels unloved because he is not d...

5. When she is upset, he explains why he is right and why she should not be upset. Why she doesn’t feel loved: 5. She feels unloved because he doesn’t validate her feelings b...

6. After listening he says nothing or just walks away. Why she doesn’t feel loved: 6. She feels insecure because she doe...

By learning to listen to a woman’s feelings, a man can effectively shower a woman with caring, understanding, respect, devotion, validation, and reassurance.

How to Listen Without Getting Angry

What to remember: 1. Remember anger comes from not understanding her point of view, and this is never her fault. What to do and what not to do: 1. Take responsibility to understand. Don’t blame her for upsetting you. Start again trying to understand. What to remember: 2. Remember that feelings don’t always make sense right away, but they’re still valid and need empathy. What to do and what not to do: 2. Breathe deeply, don’t say anything! Relax and let go of trying to control. Try to imagine how you would feel if you saw the world through her eyes. What to remember: 3. Remember that anger may come from not knowing what to do to make things better. Even if she doesn’t immediately feel better, your listening and understanding are helping. What to do and what not to do: 3. Don’t blame her for not feeling better from your solutions. How can she feel better when solutions are not what she needs? Resist the urge to offer solutions.

What to remember: 4. Remember you don’t have to agree to understand her point of view or to be appreciated as a good listener. What to do and what not to do: 4. If you wish to express a differing point of view make sure she is finished and then rephrase her point of view before giving your own. Do not raise your voice. What to remember: 5. Remember you don’t fully have to understand her point of view to succeed in being a good listener. What to do and what not to do: 5. Let her know you don’t understand but want to. Take responsibility for not understanding; don’t judge her or imply she can’t be understood. What to remember: 6. Remember you are not responsible for how she feels. She may sound as though she is blaming you, but she is really ne...

What to remember: 7. Remember that if she makes you really angry she is probably mistrusting you. Deep inside her is a scared little girl who is afraid of opening up and being hurt and who needs your kindness and compassion. What to do and what not to do: 7. Don’t argue with her feelings and opinions. Take time out and discuss things later when th...

THE ART OF EMPOWERING A MAN

The secret of empowering a man is never to try to change him or improve him.

When a woman loves a man, she often begins trying to improve their relationship. In her exuberance she makes him a target for her improvements. She begins a gradual process of slowly rehabilitating him.

There are two kinds of men. One will become incredibly defensive and stubborn when a woman tries to change him, while the other will agree to change but later will forget and revert back to the old behavior. A man either actively resists or passively resists.

How to Give Up Trying to Change a Man

What she needs to remember: 1. Remember: don’t ask him too many questions when he is upset or he will feel you are trying to change him. What she can do: 1. Ignore that he is upset unless he wants to talk to you about it. Show some initial concern, but not too much, as an invitation to talk. What she needs to remember: 2. Remember: trying to improve him in give up any way. He needs your love, not rejection, to grow. What she can do: 2. Trust him to grow on his own. Honestly share feelings but without the demand that he change. What she needs to remember: 3. Remember: when you offer unsolicited advice he may feel mistrusted, controlled, or rejected. What she can do: 3. Practice patience and trust that he will learn on his own what he needs to learn. Wait until he asks for your advice.

What she needs to remember: 4. Remember: when a man becomes stubborn and resists change he is not feeling loved; he is afraid to admit his mistakes for fear of not being loved. What she can do: 4. Practice showing him that he doesn’t have to be perfect to deserve your love Practice forgiveness. (See chapter 11.) What she needs to remember: 5. Remember: if you make sacrifices hoping he will do the same for you then he will feel pressured to change. What she can do: 5. Practice doing things for yourself and not depending on him to make you happy. What she needs to remember: 6. Remember: you can share negative feelings without trying to change him. When he feels accepted it is easier for him to listen. What she can do: 6. When sharing feelings, let him know that you are not trying to tell him what to do but that you want him to take your feelings into consideration. What she needs to remember: 7. Remember: if you give...

How to Avoid Arguments

As a basic guideline: never argue. Instead discuss the pros and cons of something. Negotiate for what you want but don’t argue. It is possible to be honest, open, and even express negative feelings without arguing or fighting.

Most couples start out arguing about one thing and, within five minutes, are arguing about the way they are arguing.

WHY ARGUMENTS HURT

It is not what we say that hurts but how we say it. Quite commonly when a man feels challenged, his attention becomes focused on being right and he forgets to be loving as well. Automatically his ability to communicate in a caring, respectful, and reassuring tone decreases. He is aware neither of how uncaring he sounds nor of how hurtful this is to his partner. At such times, a simple disagreement may sound like an attack to a woman; a request turns into an order. Naturally a woman feels resistant to this unloving approach, even when she would be otherwise receptive to the content of what he was saying.

Women start and escalate arguments by first sharing negative feelings about their partner’s behavior and then by giving unsolicited advice. When a woman neglects to buffer her negative feelings with messages of trust and acceptance, a man responds negatively, leaving the woman confused. Again she is unaware of how hurtful her mistrust is to him.

The best way to stop an argument is to nip it in the bud. Take responsibility for recognizing when a disagreement is turning into an argument. Stop talking and take a time-out. Reflect on how you are approaching your partner. Try to understand how you are not giving them what they need. Then, after some time has passed, come back and talk again but in a loving and respectful way. Time-outs allow us to cool off, heal our wounds, and center ourselves before trying to communicate again.

THE FOUR F’S FOR AVOIDING HURT

1. Fight. This stance definitely comes from Mars. When a conversation becomes unloving and unsupportive some individuals instinctively begin to fight. They immediately move into an offensive stance. Their motto is “the best defense is a strong offense.” They strike out by blaming, judging, criticizing, and making their partner look wrong. They tend to start yelling and express lots of anger. Their inner motive is to intimidate their partner into loving and supporting them. When their partner backs down, they assume they have won, but in truth they have lost.

2. Flight. This stance also comes from Mars. To avoid confrontation Martians may retire into their caves and never come out. This is like a cold war. They refuse to talk and nothing gets resolved. This passive-aggressive behavior is not the same as taking a time-out and then coming back to talk and resolve things in a more loving fashion.

3. Fake. This stance comes from Venus. To avoid being hurt in a confrontation this person pretends that there is no problem. She puts a smile on her face and appears to be very agreeable and happy with everything. Over time, however, these women become increasingly resentful; they are always giving to their partner but they do not get what they need in return. This resentment blocks the natural expression of love.

4. Fold. This stance also comes from Venus. Rather than argue this person gives in. They will take the blame and assume responsibility for whatever is upsetting their partner. In the short run they create what looks like a very loving and supportive relationship, but they end up losing themselves.

What works is to identify arguments and stop. Take a time-out to cool off and then come back and talk again. Practice communicating with increased understanding and respect for the opposite sex and you will gradually learn to avoid arguments and fights.

Let’s review the basic pattern. 1. A woman expresses her upset feelings about “XYZ.” 2. A man explains why she shouldn’t be upset about “XYZ.” 3. She feels invalidated and becomes more upset. (She is now more upset about being invalidated than about “XYZ.”) 4. He feels her disapproval and becomes upset. He blames her for upsetting him and expects an apology before making up. 5. She apologizes and wonders what happened, or she becomes more upset and the argument escalates into a battle.

The most common way men start arguments is by invalidating a woman’s feelings or point of view. Men don’t realize how much they invalidate. For example, a man may make light of a woman’s negative feelings. He might say “Ah, don’t worry about it.” To another man this phrase would seem friendly. But to a female intimate partner it is insensitive and hurts.

The most common way women unknowingly start arguments is by not being direct when they share their feelings. Instead of directly expressing her dislike or disappointment, a woman asks rhetorical questions and unknowingly (or knowingly) communicates a message of disapproval. Even though sometimes this is not the message she wants to give it is generally what a man will hear.

For example, when a man is late, a woman may feel “I don’t like waiting for you when you are late” or “I was worried that something had happened to you.” When he arrives, instead of directly sharing her feelings she asks a rhetorical question like “How could you be so late?” or “What am I supposed to think when you’re so late?” or “Why didn’t you call?”

Women commonly interrogate a man about his behavior with a disapproving tone. They do this because they think it will teach him a lesson. It does not. It only creates fear and resentment. And gradually he becomes less and less motivated.

“I’m sorry. I understand why you didn’t like it.” Then simply pause. This is a time to listen. Resist the temptation to explain to her that she is misinterpreting what you said. Once the hurt is there it needs to be heard if it is to be healed. Explanations are helpful only after the hurt is healed with some validation and caring understanding.

10 Scoring Points with the Opposite Sex

When a woman keeps score, no matter how big or small a gift of love is, it scores one point; each gift has equal value. Its size doesn’t matter; it gets a point. A man, however, thinks he scores one point for one small gift and thirty points for a big gift. Since he doesn’t understand that women keep score differently, he naturally focuses his energies into one or two big gifts.

101 WAYS TO SCORE POINTS WITH A WOMAN

Plan a date several days in advance, rather than waiting for Friday night and asking her what she wants to do.

Give her four hugs a day.

Make a point of cuddling or being affectionate sometimes without being sexual.

Suggest different restaurants for going out; don’t put the burden of figuring out where to go on her.