Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus: The Classic Guide to Understanding the Opposite Sex

by John Gray

Pay more attention to her than to others in public.

When taking her out, study in advance the directions so that she does not have to feel responsible to navigate.

When she prepares a meal, compliment her cooking.

Woman possess the special ability to appreciate the little things of life as much as the big things. This is a blessing for men. Most men strive for greater and greater success because they believe it will make them worthy of love. Deep inside, they crave love and admiration from others. They do not know that they can draw that love and admiration to them without having to be a greater success.

When the score is forty to ten in favor of the woman, she may begin to feel very resentful. Something happens to a woman when she feels she is giving more than she is getting. Quite unconsciously she subtracts his score of ten from her score of forty and concludes the score in their relationship is thirty to zero. This makes sense mathematically and is understandable, but it doesn’t work.

When a woman feels resentful, she usually will not give her partner a chance to be supportive, or, if he tries, she will negate the value of what he has done and give him another zero. She closes the door to his support. By taking responsibility for giving too much, she can give up blaming him for the problem and start a new scorecard. She can give him another chance and, with her new understanding, improve the situation.

There are five major reasons a man stops giving.

1. Martians Idealize Fairness. A man focuses all his energies into a project at work and thinks he has just scored fifty points. Then he comes home and sits back, waiting for his wife to score her fifty points. He does not know that in her experience he has only scored one point. He stops giving because he thinks he has already given more.

For Men: Remember that for a woman, big things and little things score one point.

For Women: Remember that men are from Mars; they are not automatically motivated to do the little things. They give less not because they do not love you but because they believe they have already given their share. Try not to take it personally. Instead, repeatedly encourage their support by asking for more. Don’t wait until you desperately need his support or until the score is greatly uneven to ask. Don’t demand his support; trust that he wants to support you, even if he needs a little encouragement.

2. Venusians Idealize Unconditional Love. A woman gives as much as she can and only notices that she has received less when she is empty and spent. Women don’t start out keeping score like men do; women give freely and assume men will do the same.

For Men: Remember that when a woman gives with a smile on her face it doesn’t necessarily mean the score is close to even.

For Women: Remember that when you give freely to a man, he gets the message the score is even. If you want to motivate him to give more, then gently and gracefully stop giving more. Allow him to do little things for you. Encourage him by asking for his support in little ways and then appreciating him.

3. Martians Give When They Are Asked. Martians pride themselves in being self-sufficient. They don’t ask for help unless they really need it. On Mars it is ru...

For Women: Remember that a man looks for cues telling him when and how to give more. He waits to be asked. He seems to get the necessary feedback only when she is asking for more or telling him he needs to give more. In addition, when she asks, he knows what to give. Many men don’t know what to do.

For Men: Remember that a woman instinctively does not ask for support when she wants it. Instead, she expects you to offer it if you love her. Practice offering to support her in little ways.

4. Venusians Say Yes Even When the Score Is Uneven. Men don’t realize that when they ask for support, a woman will say yes even if the score is uneven. If they can support their man, they will.

For Men: Remember that if she says yes to your requests, it doesn’t mean the score is even. The score may be twenty to zero in her mind and she will still happily say “Sure I’ll pick up your clothes at the cleaners” or “OK, I’ll make that call for you.”

For Women: Remember that if you immediately say yes to a man’s requests, he gets the idea that he has given more or that the score is at least even. If you are giving more and getting less, stop saying yes to his requests. Instead, in a graceful way, begin asking him to do more for you.

5. Martians Give Penalty Points. Women don’t realize that men give penalty points when they feel unloved and unsupported. When a woman reacts to a man in an untrusting, rejecting, disapproving, or unappreciative way, he gives minus or penalty points.

Penalty points are destructive to relationships. They make a woman feel unappreciated and a man less giving.

For Men: Remember that penalty points are not fair and do not work. At moments when you feel unloved, offended, or hurt, forgive her and remember all the good she has given rather than penalize her by negating it all. Instead of punishing her, ask her for the support you want, and she will give it.

Punishment does not work!

For Women: Remember that men have this tendency to give penalty points. There are two approaches to protect yourself from this abuse.

The first approach is to recognize that he is wrong in taking away your points. In a respectful way let him know how you feel.

The second approach is to recognize he takes away points when he feels unloved and hurt and he immediately gives them back when he feels loved and supported. As he feels more and more loved for the little things he does, he will gradually give penalty points less and less. Try to understand the different ways he needs love so that he doesn’t get hurt as much.

HOW MEN GIVE POINTS

Every time a woman appreciates what a man has done for her, he feels loved and gives her a point in return. To keep the score even in a relationship, a man really doesn’t require anything but love.

Certainly a man also requires equal participation from a woman in doing the domestic duties of day to-day life, but if he is not appreciated, then her contribution is nearly meaningless and completely unimportant to him.

A woman needs to prioritize “loving attitudes and feelings,” which will ensure that her partner’s love needs are fulfilled.

The bigger the mistake, the more points he gives her for her love. If he doesn’t receive her love he tends to give her penalty points according to how much he needed her love. If he feels rejected as the result of a big mistake he may give a lot of penalty points.

WHAT MAKES MEN DEFENSIVE

Sometimes women wonder why a man doesn’t say he is sorry for a big mistake. The answer is he is afraid of not being forgiven. It is too painful to acknowledge that he has failed her in some way. Instead of saying he is sorry he may become angry with her for being upset and give her penalty points.

A man giving penalty points is similar to a woman feeling resentful when she gives more than he does. She subtracts his score from hers and gives him a zero. At such times a man can just be understanding that she is sick with the resentment flu and give her some extra love. Similarly, when a man is giving penalty points, a woman can realize that he has his own version of resentment flu. He needs some extra love so he can get better. As a result, he immediately gives her bonus points to even the score again.

11 How to Communicate Difficult Feelings

These are the times when talking does not work. Fortunately, there is another alternative. Instead of verbally sharing your feelings with your partner, write him or her a letter. Writing letters allows you to listen to your own feelings without worrying about hurting your partner.

Having become more centered, you can then go to your partner and speak to him or her in a more loving way—a way that is less judgmental or blaming. As a result, your chances of being understood and accepted are much greater.

Whether you share the feelings in your letter or you just write a letter to feel better, writing down your feelings is an important tool.

THE LOVE LETTER TECHNIQUE

There are three aspects or parts to the Love Letter Technique: 1. Write a Love Letter expressing your feelings of anger, sadness, fear, regret, and love. 2. Write a Response Letter expressing what you want to hear from your partner. 3. Share your Love Letter and Response Letter with your partner.

The Love Letter Technique is quite flexible. You may choose to do all three steps, or you may only need to do one or two of them.

STEP 1: WRITING A LOVE LETTER

In each Love Letter express your feelings of anger, sadness, fear, regret, and then love.

Here are some guidelines for writing a basic Love Letter:

1. Address the letter to your partner. Pretend that he or she is listening to you with love and understanding.

2. Start with anger, then sadness, then fear, then regret, and then love. Include all five sections in each letter.

3. Write a few sentences about each feeling; keep each section approximately the same len...

4. After each section, pause and notice the next feeling coming up. Wri...

5. Do not stop your letter until you get to the love. Be patient and wait fo...

6. Sign your name at the end. Take a few moments to think about what you need or ...