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by
John Gray
Read between
September 10 - October 27, 2020
Healthy Relationships A relationship is healthy when both partners have permission to ask for what they want and need, and they both have permission to say no if they choose.
STEP 3: PRACTICE ASSERTIVE ASKING
The art of assertive asking is to remain silent after you have made a request.
When a man grumbles it is a good sign—he is trying to consider your request versus his needs.
Programming a Man to Say Yes
I personally experienced this inner transformation. Her acceptance of my grumbles and appreciation of me when I returned healed my resistance. From that time on, as she practiced assertive asking, it was much easier for me to respond to her requests.
The Pregnant Pause One of the key elements of assertive asking is to remain silent after you have asked for support.
Assertive asking means asking with a sense of confidence and trust that he will support you if he can.
he questions you or says no, then respond with a brief answer giving the message that your need is just as great as his. Then ask again. Here are some examples. What he says in resistance to her request: “I don’t have time. Can’t you do it?” How she can respond with assertive asking: “I’m also rushed. Would you please do it?” Then remain silent again.
WHY MEN ARE SO SENSITIVE
Any request to be more or to give more might instead give the message that he is not accepted just the way he is.
On Mars, the motto is “Don’t fix it unless it is broken.” When a man feels a woman wanting more, and that she is trying to change him, he receives the message that she feels he is broken; naturally he doesn’t feel loved just the way he is.
13 Keeping the Magic of Love Alive
It is very common for two people who are madly in love one day to hate each other or fight the very next day.
Love thaws out our repressed feelings, and gradually these unresolved feelings begin to surface into our relationship.
How Repressed Feelings Come Up
Love opens us up and we start to feel our pain.
Why Couples May Fight During Good Times
For example, couples may fight when they move into a new home, redecorate, attend a graduation, a religious celebration, or a wedding, receive presents, go on a vacation or car ride, finish a project, celebrate Christmas or Thanksgiving, decide to change a negative habit, buy a new car, make a positive career change, win a lottery, make a lot of money, decide to spend a lot of money, or have great love making.
THE 90/10 PRINCIPLE
When we are upset, about 90 percent of the upset is related to our past and has nothing to do with what we think is upsetting us. Generally only about 10 percent of our upset is appropriate to the present experience.
How We Can Support Each Other
When a man’s past comes up, he generally heads for his cave. He is overly sensitive at those times and needs a lot of acceptance. When a woman’s past comes up is when her self-esteem crashes. She descends into the well of her feelings and needs tender loving care.
Never tell your partner, when it appears as though their “stuff” is coming up, that they are overreacting. That just hurts them more. If you poked someone right in the middle of a wound you wouldn’t tell them they were overreacting.
YOU ARE NEVER UPSET FOR THE REASON YOU THINK
As you begin practicing Love Letters, you may not always experience past memories and feelings. But as you open up and go deeper into your feelings, it will become clearer that when you are really upset it is about something in your past as well.
It is a paradox: because you feel safe with your partner, your deepest fears have a chance to surface. When they surface you become afraid and are unable to share what you feel. Your fear may even make you numb. When this happens the feelings that are coming up get stuck.
The Springtime of Love Falling in love is like springtime. We feel as though we will be happy forever.
The Summer of Love Throughout the summer of our love we realize our partner is not as perfect as we thought, and we have to work on our relationship.
In the summer season of love, we need to nurture our partner’s needs as well as ask for and get the love we need. It doesn’t happen automatically.
The Autumn of Love As a result of tending the garden during the summer, we get to harvest the results of our hard work. Fall has come. It is a golden time—rich and fulfilling.
The Winter of Love
This is a time in relationships when we experience our own unresolved pain or our shadow self.
This is the time when men hibernate in their caves and women sink to the bottom of their wells.
SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIPS
But I caution you to remember that love is seasonal. In spring it is easy, but in summer it is hard work. In autumn you may feel very generous and fulfilled, but in winter you will feel empty. The information you need to get through summer and work on your relationship is easily forgotten. The love you feel in fall is easily lost in winter.
Education theory states that to learn something new we need to hear it two hundred times. We cannot expect ourselves (or our partners) to remember all of the new insights in this book. We must be patient and appreciative of their every little step. It takes time to work with these ideas and integrate them into your life.
EXPLORE THE WORLD OF JOHN GRAY AT MARSVENUS.COM At www.marsvenus.com you will find information on the following subjects: John Gray’s free weekly newsletter Workshops, seminars, coaching, and counseling John’s weekly question-and-answer column The MARS VENUS Dating Site The MARS VENUS Store John’s Calendar How to become a MARS VENUS facilitator, coach, or counselor Insight, advice, and shared experiences from all of John Gray’s books and tapes, from personal relationships and parenting to achieving greater success at work
Books by John Gray Why Mars and Venus Collide Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus Truly Mars & Venus Practical Miracles for Mars & Venus Children Are from Heaven How to Get What You Want and Want What You Have Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus Book of Days Mars and Venus Starting Over Mars and Venus on a Date Mars and Venus in Love Mars & Venus Together Forever Mars and Venus in the Bedroom Men, Women and Relationships
