Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus: The Classic Guide to Understanding the Opposite Sex

by John Gray

Generally the most releasing expressions are: “I am angry,” “I am sad,” “I am afraid,” “I am sorry,” “I want,” and “I love.” However, any phrases that assist you in expressing your feelings will work. It usually takes about twenty minutes to complete a Love Letter.

P.S. The response I would like to hear from you:

STEP 2: WRITING A RESPONSE LETTER

Write a short letter to yourself pretending it is your partner writing to you. Include all the things you would like to hear from your partner about the hurts you have expressed.

Some people are very good at writing out their negative feelings but have a hard time finding the feelings of love. It is especially important for these people to write Response Letters and explore what they would want to hear in return. Be sure to feel your own resistance about letting your partner support you. This gives you an added awareness about how difficult it must be for your partner to deal lovingly with you at such times.

A man is not a fool. When he feels that a woman is receptive to him and that he can respond in a way that makes a positive difference, he will do it. It just takes time.

Notice that the response is still under the P.S., but it’s a bit longer and more detailed than those above.

STEP 3: SHARING YOUR LOVE LETTER AND RESPONSE LETTER

There are five ways to share your letters outlined below.

1. He reads her Love Letter and Response Letter out loud while she is present. Then he holds her hands and gives his own loving response with a greater awareness of what she needs to hear.

2. She reads her Love Letter and Response Letter out loud while he is listening. Then he holds her hands and gives his own loving response with a greater awareness of what she needs to hear.

3. First he reads her Response Letter out loud to her. Then he reads her Love Letter out loud. It is much easier for a man to hear negative feelings when he already knows how to respond to those feelings. By letting a man know what is required of him, he doesn’t panic as much when he is hearing negative feelings. After he reads her Love Letter he then holds h...

4. First she reads her Response Letter to him. Then she reads her Love Letter out loud. Finally he holds her hands and gives her a loving response wi...

5. She gives her letters to him and he reads them privately within twenty-four hours. After he has read the letters, he thanks her for writing them and holds her hands and gives her a loving ...

Sharing a letter needs to be done in the spirit of the following two statements of intent.

Statement of Intent for Writing and Sharing a Love Letter I have written this letter in order to find my positive feelings and to give you the love you deserve. As part of that process I am sharing with you my negative feelings, which are holding me back. Your understanding will help me to open up and let go of my negative feelings. I trust that you do care and that you will respond to my feelings in the best way you can. I appreciate your willingness to listen and support me. In addition I hope that this letter will assist you in understanding my wants, needs, and wishes.

Statement of Intent for Hearing a Love Letter I promise to do my best to understand the validity of your feelings, to accept our differences, to respect your needs as I do my own, and to appreciate that you are doing your best to communicate your feelings and love. I promise to listen and not correct or deny your feelings. I promise to accept you and not try to change you. I am willing to listen to your feelings because I do care and I trust that we can work this out.

The success of a relationship is solely dependent on two factors: a man’s ability to listen lovingly and respectfully to a woman’s feelings, and a woman’s ability to share her feelings in a loving and respectful way.

Love Letters work because they guide you in writing out the complete truth about all your feelings. To heal our inner pain, we must feel each of the four primary aspects of emotional pain. They are anger, sadness, fear, and regret.

How Feelings Can Hide Other Feelings

Consider for a moment these questions: Do you ever smile when you are really angry? Have you acted angry when deep inside you were afraid? Do you laugh and make jokes when you are really sad and hurt? Have you been quick to blame others when you felt guilty or afraid?

After a glass of wine, the pain is gone for a moment. But it will come back again and again.

Writing Love Letters helps when you are feeling resentful, unhappy, anxious, depressed, annoyed, tired, stuck, or simply stressed. Whenever you want to feel better, write a Love Letter. It may not always completely improve your mood, but it will help move you in the direction you want to go.

Books can inspire you to love yourself more, but by listening to, writing out, or verbally expressing your feelings you are actually doing it.

A man’s common obsession with success is his desperate attempt to win love in hopes of reducing his inner emotional pain and turmoil. A woman’s common obsession with being perfect is her desperate attempt to be worthy of love and reduce her emotional pain.

12 How to Ask for Support and Get It

If you want to G-E-T then you have to A-S-K.

Women make the mistake of thinking they dont have to ask for support. Because they intuitively feel the needs of others and give whatever they can, they mistakenly expect men to do the same.

This approach to relationships with men doesn’t work. Men are from Mars, and on Mars if you want support you simply have to ask for it.

Some women will resent a man simply because they have to ask for his support. Then, when they do ask, even if he says yes and gives her some support, she will still resent that she had to ask. She feels “If I have to ask, it doesn’t count.”

(1) Practice asking correctly for what you’re already getting; (2) Practice asking for more, even when you know he will say no, and accept his no; (3) Practice assertive asking.

STEP 1: ASKING CORRECTLY FOR WHAT YOU ARE ALREADY GETTING

In step 1, it is important not to ask for more than what he is used to giving. Focus on asking him to do little things that he normally does. Allow him to become used to hearing you ask for things in a nondemanding tone.

there’s another reason to start by asking him for what he’s already giving. You need to be sure you’re asking in a way he can hear you and respond. That’s what I mean when I say “asking correctly.”

Tips for Motivating a Man There are five secrets of how to correctly ask a Martian for support. If they are not observed, he may be easily turned off. They are: appropriate timing, nondemanding attitude, be brief, be direct, and use correct wording. Let’s look at each more closely:

1. Appropriate Timing. Be careful not to ask him to do something that he is obviously just planning to do. For example, if he is about to empty the trash, don’t say “Could you empty the trash?” He will feel you are telling him what to do. Timing is crucial.

Nondemanding Attitude. Remember, a request is not a demand.

Be Brief. Avoid giving him a list of reasons why he should help you.

4. Be Direct.

When she needs support, a woman may present the problem but not directly ask for his support.

What she should say (brief and direct): “Would you empty the trash?” What she should not say (indirect): “I can’t fit anything else in the trash can.” What he hears when she is indirect: “You haven’t emptied the trash. You shouldn’t wait so long” (criticism).

5. Use Correct Wording. One of the most common mistakes in asking for support is the use of could and can in place of would and will. “Could you empty the trash?” is merely a question gathering information. “Would you empty the trash?” is a request.

8. When I say “Yes, I could do that” I am not committing myself to doing it. I am just saying that I could do it. I have not promised to do it. If she gets upset with me I feel like she doesn’t have a right. If I say I will do it, then I can understand why she is upset if I don’t do it.

One way women are sure to relate to the significant difference between would and could is to reflect for a moment on this romantic scene. Imagine a man proposing marriage to a woman. His heart is full, like the moon shining above. Kneeling before her, he reaches out to hold her hands. Then he gazes up into her eyes and gently says, “Could you marry me?” Immediately the romance is gone. Using the c word he appears weak and unworthy. In that moment, he reeks of insecurity and low self-esteem. If instead he said “Would you marry me?” then both his strength and vulnerability are present. That is the way to propose. Similarly, a man requires that a woman propose her requests in this manner. Use the w words. The c words sound too untrusting, indirect, weak, and manipulative.

To ask a man for support: Be direct. Be brief. Use “would you” or “will you” phrases.

Question. A woman may feel, If he loves me he should just offer his support, I shouldn’t have to ask. Answer: Remember men are from Mars; they are different. Men wait to be asked. Instead of thinking, If he loves me he will offer his support, consider this thought, If he were a Venusian he would offer his support, but he’s not, he’s a Martian. By accepting this difference, he will be much more willing to support you, and gradually he will begin to offer his support.

STEP 2: PRACTICE ASKING FOR MORE (EVEN WHEN YOU KNOW HE MAY SAY NO)

When he is used to hearing you ask for his support without wanting more, he feels loved in your presence. He feels he doesn’t have to change to get your love. At this point he will be willing to change and stretch his ability to support you. At this point you can risk asking for more without giving him the message that he is not good enough.

It’s important that women learn both how to ask and how to accept no for an answer. Women usually intuitively feel what their partner’s response will be even before they ask. If they sense that he will resist their request, they won’t even bother asking. Instead, they will feel rejected. He, of course, will have no idea what happened—all this has gone on in her head. In step 2, practice asking for support in all those situations where you would want to ask but don’t because you feel his resistance. Go ahead and ask for support even if you sense his resistance; even if you know he will say no.

I first learned this from a woman employee years ago. We were working on a nonprofit project and needed volunteers. She was about to call Tom, who was a friend of mine. I told her not to bother because I already knew he would not be able to help this time. She said she would call anyway. I asked her why, and she said, “When I call I will ask for his support, and when he says no I will be very gracious and understanding. Then next time, when I call for a future project, he will be more willing to say yes. He will have a positive memory of me.” She was right.