Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus: The Classic Guide to Understanding the Opposite Sex

by John Gray

You cannot, nor should you ever try to, change your partner.

You can think of this book as a primer for understanding and communicating with the opposite sex.

Mars and Venus on a Date.

Mars and Venus Together Forever.

Mars and Venus in the Bedroom.

Mars and Venus Starting Over.

Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus Book of Days,

For couples experiencing more challenging problems like infidelity, violence, and addictions, I wrote Mars and Venus in Love.

How to Get What You Want at Work.

Practical Miracles for Mars and Venus.

For those seeking greater personal success, I wrote How to Get What You Want and Want What You Have.

Mars and Venus Diet and Exercise Solution.

We too easily blame our problems on our partners rather than our own approach.

Gender differences show up the most after getting involved in an intimate relationship, having children together, or when we are under a lot of stress.

Men would often complain: She is making a big deal out of nothing; she is over-reacting; she is withholding sex; or she is unreasonable. And then when a man was considering divorce his common statement was: “No matter what I do it is not enough to make her happy.” Rarely did I hear women say this. Instead women would often complain: He doesn’t listen; he is inattentive; he is no longer romantic; he doesn’t complement me; he is less affectionate; or he is self-centered. When considering divorce, a woman would say, “I give and give, but I don’t get back. I have nothing left to give.”

Use this book to let yourself or your partner ease up on each other, and you will be using it to create more love in your life. Above all else, love is giving, compassionate, and forgiving. If these insights help you to keep your heart open, then they have served their purpose.

Relationships do not have to be such a struggle. Only when we do not understand one another is there tension, resentment, or conflict.

In this book I do not directly address the question of why men and women are different. This is a complex question to which there are many answers, ranging from biological differences, parental influence, education, and birth order to cultural conditioning by society, the media, and history. (These issues are explored in great depth in my book Men, Women and Relationships: Making Peace with the Opposite Sex.)

REMEMBERING OUR DIFFERENCES

Men mistakenly expect women to think, communicate, and react the way men do; women mistakenly expect men to feel, communicate, and respond the way women do.

men mistakenly offer solutions and invalidate feelings while women offer unsolicited advice and direction.

While Martians tend to pull away and silently think about what’s bothering them, Venusians feel an instinctive need to talk about what’s bothering them.

Men are motivated when they feel needed while women are motivated when they feel cherished.

men and women commonly misunderstand each other because they speak different languages.

men and women have different needs for intimacy.

woman’s loving attitudes rise and fall rhythmically in a wave motion.

Men primarily need a kind of love that is trusting, accepting, and appreciative. Women primarily need a kind of love that is caring, understanding, and respectful.

Men will learn that by acting as if they are always right they may invalidate a woman’s feelings. Women will learn how they unknowingly send messages of disapproval instead of disagreement, thus igniting a man’s defenses.

men and women keep score differently.

The different ways men and women hide feelings are discussed along with the importance of sharing feelings.

Venusians have a more difficult time asking for support in chapter 12, as well as why Martians commonly resist requests.

the four seasons of love.

secrets for creating loving and lasting relationships.

When men and women are able to respect and accept their differences then love has a chance to blossom.

She wants empathy, but he thinks she wants solutions.

She thinks she’s nurturing him, while he feels he’s being controlled. Instead, he wants her acceptance.

A man’s sense of self is defined through his ability to achieve results.

To offer a man unsolicited advice is to presume that he doesn’t know what to do or that he can’t do it on his own.

He reasons: “Why involve someone else when I can do it by myself?” He keeps his problems to himself unless he requires help from another to find a solution. Asking for help when you can do it yourself is perceived as a sign of weakness.

He does not know that on Venus talking about problems is not an invitation to offer a solution.

They experience fulfillment through sharing and relating.

When a woman tries to improve a man, he feels she is trying to fix him. He receives the message that he is broken. She doesn’t realize her caring attempts to help him may humiliate him. She mistakenly thinks she is just helping him to grow.

GIVE UP GIVING ADVICE

A way of honoring another Martian is always to assume he can solve his problem unless he is asking for help.

LEARNING TO LISTEN

Without knowing about life on Venus, Tom didn’t understand how important it was just to listen without offering solutions. His solutions only made things worse. You see, Venusians never offer solutions when someone is talking. A way of honoring another Venusian is to listen patiently with empathy, seeking truly to understand the other’s feelings.

To summarize the two most common mistakes we make in relationships: 1. A man tries to change a woman’s feelings when she is upset by becoming Mr. Fix-It and offering solutions to her problems that invalidate her feelings. 2. A woman tries to change a man’s behavior when he makes mistakes by becoming the home-improvement committee and offering unsolicited advice or criticism.

When our partner resists us it is probably because we have made a mistake in our timing or approach.

If you are a man, I suggest that for the next week you practice listening whenever a woman speaks, with the sole intention of respectfully understanding what she is going through. Practice biting your tongue whenever you get the urge to offer a solution or change how she is feeling. You will be surprised when you experience how much she appreciates you.

COPING WITH STRESS ON MARS AND VENUS