Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus: The Classic Guide to Understanding the Opposite Sex

by John Gray

When a Martian gets upset he never talks about what is bothering him. He would never burden another Martian with his problem unless his friend’s assistance was necessary to solve the problem.

To feel better Martians go to their caves to solve problems alone.

To feel better Venusians get together and openly talk about their problems.

To expect a man who is in his cave instantly to become open, responsive, and loving is as unrealistic as expecting a woman who is upset immediately to calm down and make complete sense.

Men generally don’t realize how extremely and quickly they may shift from being warm and feeling to being unresponsive and distant. In his cave a man is preoccupied with solving his problem and is unaware of how his indifferent attitude might feel to others.

This is when it is important for the man to validate her feelings. He needs to understand that she has a right to talk about her feelings of being ignored and unsupported just as he has a right to withdraw into his cave and not talk. If she does not feel understood then it is difficult for her to release her hurt.

To forget her own painful feelings a woman may become emotionally involved in the problems of others.

When women talk about problems, men usually resist. A man assumes she is talking with him about her problems because she is holding him responsible. The more problems, the more he feels blamed. He does not realize that she is talking to feel better. A man doesn’t know that she will appreciate it if he just listens.

In addition, listening is difficult for a man because he mistakenly assumes there is a logical order when she randomly changes from one problem to another. After she has shared three or four problems he becomes extremely frustrated and confused trying logically to relate these problems.

HOW THE MARTIANS AND VENUSIANS FOUND PEACE The Martians and Venusians lived together in peace because they were able to respect their differences. The Martians learned to respect that Venusians needed to talk to feel better. Even if he didn’t have much to say, he learned that by listening he could be very supportive. The Venusians learned to respect that Martians needed to withdraw to cope with stress. The cave was no longer a great mystery or cause for alarm.

Men are motivated and empowered when they feel needed…. Women are motivated and empowered when they feel cherished.

Martians have a win/lose philosophy—I want to win, and I don’t care if you lose. As long as each Martian took care of himself this formula worked fine. It worked for centuries, but now it needed to be changed.

When his relationships fail he finds himself depressed and stuck in his cave. He stops caring and doesn’t know why he is so depressed. At such times he withdraws from relationships or intimacy and remains stuck in his cave. He asks himself what it is all for, and why he should bother. He doesn’t know that he has stopped caring because he doesn’t feel needed. He does not realize that by finding someone who needs him, he can shake off his depression and be motivated again.

Not to be needed is a slow death for a man.

Women are happy when they believe their needs will be met. When a woman is upset, overwhelmed, confused, exhausted, or hopeless what she needs most is simple companionship. She needs to feel she is not alone. She needs to feel loved and cherished.

In her younger years, a woman is much more willing to sacrifice and mold herself to fulfill her partner’s needs. In a man’s younger years, he is much more self-absorbed and unaware of the needs of others. As a woman matures she realizes how she may have been giving up herself in order to please her partner. As a man matures he realizes how he can better serve and respect others.

When a woman realizes she has been giving too much, she tends to blame her partner for their unhappiness.

Although she has not received what she deserved, to improve her relationships she needs to recognize how she contributed to the problem. When a woman gives too much she should not blame her partner. Similarly, a man who gives less should not blame his partner for being negative or unreceptive to him. In both cases, blaming does not work.

the three steps for healing a relationship.

Step 1: Motivation

Step 2: Responsibility

Step 3: Practice

Susan’s most difficult task was to practice asking for what she wanted. She said to me, “Why should I have to ask, after all I have done for him?” I explained that making him responsible for knowing her wants was not only unrealistic but a big part of her problem. She needed to be responsible for getting her needs fulfilled.

Without recognizing that men need to be trusted, it is difficult and confusing for women to understand the difference between needing and neediness.

When a woman realizes that she truly deserves to be loved, she is opening the door for a man to give to her. But when it takes her ten years of overgiving in a marriage to realize that she deserves more, ironically, she feels like closing the door and not giving him the chance. She may feel something like this: “I have given to you and you have ignored me. You had your chance. I deserve better. I can’t trust you. I am too tired, I have nothing left to give. I will not let you hurt me again.”

A man’s deepest fear is that he is not good enough or that he is incompetent.

It is difficult for a man to listen to a woman when she is unhappy or disappointed because he feels like a failure.

To fully express their feelings, women assume poetic license and use various superlatives, metaphors, and generalizations. Men mistakenly take these expressions literally.

Or just listen, and occasionally when I pause make one of these reassuring sounds: ‘oh,’ ‘humph,’ ‘uh-huh,’ and ‘hmmm.’ ” (Note: Martians had never heard of these sounds before arriving on Venus.)

Women need to understand that when he is silent, he is saying “I don’t know what to say yet, but I am thinking about it.” Instead what they hear is “I am not responding to you because I don’t care about you and I am going to ignore you. What you have said to me is not important and therefore I am not responding.”

Understanding the Cave

Women have a lot to learn about men before their relationships can be really fulfilling. They need to learn that when a man is upset or stressed he will automatically stop talking and go to his “cave” to work things out. They need to learn that no one is allowed in that cave, not even the man’s best friends. This was the way it was on Mars. Women should not become scared that they have done something terribly wrong. They need gradually to learn that if you just let men go into their caves, after a while they will come out and everything will be fine.

Never go into a man’s cave or you will be burned by the dragon!

Women need to know that when a man says “I am OK” it is an abbreviated version of what he really means, which is “I am OK because I can deal with this alone. I do not need any help. Please support me by not worrying about me. Trust that I can deal with it all by myself.”

How to Support a Man in His Cave Don’t disapprove of his need for withdrawing. Don’t try to help him solve his problem by offering solutions. Don’t try to nurture him by asking questions about his feelings. Don’t sit next to the door of the cave and wait for him to come out. Don’t worry about him or feel sorry for him. Do something that makes you happy.

In addition to patiently trusting her partner to grow and change, if a woman is not getting what she needs and wants, she can and should share her feelings and make requests (but again without giving advice or criticism).

These are four possible approaches:

A woman can tell a man that she doesn’t like the way he dresses without giving him a lecture on how to dress. She could say casually as he is getting dressed “I don’t like that shirt on you. Would you wear another one tonight?” If he is annoyed by that comment, then she should respect his sensitivities and apologize. She could say “I’m sorry—I didn’t mean to tell you how to dress.”

If he is that sensitive—and some men are—then she could try talking about it at another time. She could say “Remember that blue shirt you wore with the green slacks? I didn’t like that combination. Would you try wearing it with your gray slacks?”

She could directly ask “Would you let me take you shopping one day? I would love to pick out an outfit for you.” If he says no, then she can be sure that he doesn’t want any more mothering. If he says yes, be sure...

She could say “There is something I want to talk about but I don’t know how to say it. [Pause.] I don’t want to offend you, but I also really want to say it. Would you listen and then suggest to me a better way I could say it?” This helps him to prepare himself for ...

A man looks for advice or help only after he has done what he can do alone. If he receives too much assistance or receives it too soon, he will lose his sense of power and strength. He becomes either lazy or insecure. Instinctively men support one another by not offering advice or help unless specifically approached and asked.

When a man says to a woman “What’s the matter, honey?” with a concerned look on his face, she feels comforted by his caring. When a woman in a similar caring and concerned way says to a man “What’s the matter, honey?” he may feel insulted or repulsed. He feels as though she doesn’t trust him to handle things.

One day I noticed that when my children asked me to do things I would always say “no problem.” It was my way of saying I would be happy to do that. My stepdaughter Julie asked me one day, “Why do you always say ‘no problem’?” I didn’t actually know right away. After a while I realized that it was another of those deeply ingrained Martian habits. With this new awareness I started saying “I would be happy to do that.” This phrase expressed my implied message and certainly felt more loving to my Venusian daughter.

A man often blames a woman for being blaming when she is innocently talking about problems. This is very destructive to the relationship because it blocks communication.

The Art of Listening

As a man learns to listen and interpret a woman’s feelings correctly, communication becomes easier. As with any art, listening requires practice. Each day when I get home, I will generally seek out Bonnie and ask her about her day, thus practicing this art of listening. If she is upset or has had a stressful day, at first I will feel that she is saying I am somehow responsible and thus to blame. My greatest challenge is to not take it personally, to not misunderstand her. I do this by constantly reminding myself that we speak different languages. As I continue to ask “What else happened?” I find that there are many other things bothering her. Gradually I start to see that I am not solely responsible for her upset. After a while, when she begins to appreciate me for listening, then, even if I was partially responsible for her discomfort, she becomes very grateful, accepting, and loving.

When misunderstandings arise, remember that we speak different languages; take the time necessary to translate what your partner really means or wants to say. This definitely takes practice, but it is well worth it.

Men Are Like Rubber Bands

This cycle involves getting close, pulling away, and then getting close again.