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Kindle Notes & Highlights
by
John Gray
Read between
September 10 - October 27, 2020
Men instinctively feel this urge to pull away. It is not a decision or choice. It just happens. It is neither his fault nor her fault. It is a natural cycle.
A man pulls away to fulfill his need for independence or autonomy. When he has fully stretched away, then instantly he will come springing back.
Men also need to understand this difference. When a man springs back, before a woman can open up again to him she generally wants and needs time and conversation to reconnect. This transition can be more graceful if a man understands a woman may need more time to regain the same level of intimacy—especially if she felt hurt when he pulled away.
A man automatically alternates between needing intimacy and autonomy.
It is not what she says that triggers his departure but when she says it.
It is hard for a man when a woman demands that he talk. She unknowingly turns him off by interrogating him. Especially when he doesn’t feel the need to talk. A woman mistakenly assumes that a man “needs to talk” and therefore “should.” She forgets that he is from Mars and doesn’t feel the need to talk as much.
Without appreciation and encouragement, a man may lose interest because he feels as though his “listening” is “doing nothing.” He doesn’t realize how valuable his listening is to her. Most women, however, instinctively know how important listening is. To expect a man to know this without some training is to expect him to be like a woman. Fortunately, after being appreciated for listening to a woman, a man does learn to respect the value of talking.
One-Sided Conversations
Sandra’s conversations were generally one-sided. She would try to get him to talk first by asking him a string of questions. Then, before she could share what she wanted to talk about, she would become upset with his short answers. When she finally did share her feelings, they were always the same. She was upset that he was not open, loving, and sharing. A one-sided conversation might go like this: SANDRA: How was your day? LARRY: OK. SANDRA: What happened? LARRY: The usual. SANDRA: What do you feel like doing this weekend? LARRY: I don’t care. What do you want to do? SANDRA: Do you want to
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When a man gets too close and doesn’t pull away, common symptoms are increased moodiness, irritability, passiveness, and defensiveness.
OBSTRUCTING THE INTIMACY CYCLE
There are two ways a woman may unknowingly obstruct her male partner’s natural intimacy cycle. They are: (1) chasing him when he pulls away; and (2) punishing him for pulling away.
While some men don’t know how to pull away, others don’t know how to get close. The macho man has no problem pulling away. He just can’t come back and open up. Deep inside he may be afraid he is unworthy of love. He is afraid of being close and caring a lot. He does not have a picture of how welcomed he would be if he got closer. Both the sensitive male and the macho male are missing a positive picture or experience of their natural intimacy cycle.
Whenever he is not needing to pull away, the wise man takes the time to initiate conversation by asking his female partner how she is feeling. He grows to understand his own cycles and reassures her when he pulls away that he will be back. He might say “I need some time to be alone and then we will have some special time together with no distractions.”
Women Are Like Waves
When she feels loved her self-esteem rises and falls in a wave motion. When she is feeling really good, she will reach a peak, but then suddenly her mood may change and her wave crashes down.
But soon after she reaches the bottom, if she feels loved and supported, she will automatically start to feel better.
Life is filled with rhythms—day and night, hot and cold, summer and winter, spring and fall, cloudy and clear. Likewise in a relationship, men and women have their own rhythms and cycles. Men pull back and then get close, while women rise and fall in their ability to love themselves and others.
Don’t Try to Fix It
When his wife, Mary, started to crash, her first symptom was to feel overwhelmed. Instead of listening to her with caring, warmth, and empathy, he would try to bring her back up with explanations of why she shouldn’t be so upset.
The last thing a woman needs when she is on her way down is someone telling her why she shouldn’t be down. What she needs is someone to be with her as she goes down, to listen to her while she shares her feelings, and to empathize with what she is going through. Even if a man can’t fully understand why a woman feels overwhelmed, he can offer his love, attention, and support.
To genuinely come up she first needs to hit bottom. That is the cycle.
A man’s love and support cannot instantly resolve a woman’s issues. His love, however, can make it safe for her to go deeper into her well. It is naïve to expect a woman to be perfectly loving all the time. He can expect these issues to come up again and again. Each time, however, he can get better at supporting her.
A woman going into her well is not a man’s fault or his failure. By being more supportive he cannot prevent it from happening, but he can help her through these difficult times.
A woman has within herself the ability to spontaneously rise up after she has hit bottom. A man does not have to fix her. She is not broken but just ne...
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You probably know stories of couples who never fight or argue and then suddenly to everyone’s surprise they decide to get a divorce. In many of these cases, the woman has suppressed her negative feelings to avoid having fights. As a result she becomes numb and unable to feel her love.
Telling a woman she shouldn’t feel hurt is about the worst thing a man can say. It hurts her even more, like poking a stick into an open wound.
Men argue for the right to be free while women argue for the right to be upset. Men want space while women want understanding.
When a man needs to pull away and a woman needs to talk, his trying to listen only makes matters worse. After a short time he either will be judging her and possibly explode with anger or he will become incredibly tired or distracted, and she will become more upset. When he is not capable of listening attentively with caring, understanding, and respect, these three actions can help:
Accept Your Limitations The first thing you need to do is accept that you need to pull away and have nothing to give. No matter how loving you want to be, you cannot listen attentively. Don’t try to listen when you can’t.
Understand Her Pain Next, you need to understand that she needs more than you can give at this moment. Her pain is valid. Don’t make her wrong for needing more or for being hurt. It hurts to be abandoned when she needs your love. You are not wrong for needing space, and she is not wrong for wanting to be close. You may be afraid that she will not forgive you or trust. She can be more trusting and forgiving if you are caring and understanding of her hurt.
Avoid Arguing and Give Reassurance By understanding her hurt you won’t make her wrong for being upset and in pain. Although you can’t give the support she wants and needs, you can avoid making it worse by arguing. Reassure her that you will be back, and then you will be able to give her the support she deserves.
As a woman’s financial needs are fulfilled she becomes more aware of her emotional needs.
A woman with money is expected to be fulfilled all the time because her life could be so much worse without this financial abundance. This expectation is not only impractical but disrespectful. Regardless of wealth, status, privilege, or circumstances, a woman needs permission to be upset and allow her wave to crash.
Discovering Our Different Emotional Needs
Men typically give in relationships what men want, while women give what women want. Each mistakenly assumes that the other has the same needs and desires. As a result they both end up dissatisfied and resentful.
THE TWELVE KINDS OF LOVE
Men primarily need trust, acceptance, appreciation, admiration, approval, and encouragement.
Women primarily need caring, understanding, respect, devotion, validation, and reassurance.
Women need to receive: 1. Caring Men need to receive: 1. Trust Women need to receive: 2. Understanding Men need to receive: 2. Acceptance Women need to receive: 3. Respect Men need to receive: 3. Appreciation Women need to receive: 4.
1. She Needs Caring and He Needs Trust
2. She Needs Understanding and He Needs Acceptance
3. She Needs Respect and He Needs Appreciation
4. She Needs Devotion and He Needs Admiration
5. She Needs Validation and He Needs Approval
6. She Needs Reassurance and He Needs Encouragement
A man commonly makes the mistake of thinking that once he has met all of a woman’s primary love needs, and she feels happy and secure, that she should know from then on that she is loved. This is not the case. To fulfill her sixth primary love need he must remember to reassure her again and again.
Remembering that within every man is a knight in shining armor is a powerful metaphor to help you remember a man’s primary needs. Although a man may appreciate caring and assistance sometimes, too much of it will lessen his confidence or turn him off.
HOW YOU MAY BE UNKNOWINGLY TURNING OFF YOUR PARTNER
1. She tries to improve his behavior or help him by offering unsolicited advice. Why he doesn’t feel loved: 1. He feels unloved because she doesn’t trust him anymore.
